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[hot4teacher1975]

where once we danced together

I hate everything about you.
I hate that you are so pretty.
I hate cuddling with you.
I hate your curly hair.
I hate talking to you.
I hate walking with you.
I hate traveling the world with you.
I hate it when you sing.
I hate it when you dance.
I hate it that you don't take the chance.
I hate romance.
I hate that you live in New York.
I hate having dinner with you.
I hate talking about politics with you.
I hate going to the movies with you.
I hate that you're fucking someone else.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when your cry.
I hate that you can't tell me why you ever loved me.
I hate it when you visit me.
I hate that you don't visit me.
I hate that you're not a good friend.
I hate your stupid fucking cell phone.
I hate that we ever met.
--------------------------------

Thoughts on how to cheer this one up a bit?
The repetition of the word hate is due to the utter despair of the narrator, i.e. he is REALLY in love, but unrequited love leads to self-loathing leads to hating her(sorta)

Is it interesting? Boring? Catchy?
It needs a good ending.

Cheers,
hot4teacher

---------------------------------

draft two:

I hate romance
And all the pain and bereaving
Where once we kissed by chance
Now we only kiss when leaving
.
I hate that you are so pretty.
I hate your curly hair.
I hate cuddling with you.
And knowing that you care.

I hate talking about your life with you.
I hate it when you sing.
I hate going to the movies with you
What about the happy Hollywood ending?

I hate walking with you.
I hate that you have another lover
I hate talking to you
While lying under the covers

I hate traveling the world with you.
I hate it when you dance.
I hate that you live in New York
I wish I had a chance

I hate it when you visit me.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you don't visit me.
I never want you to see me cry

I hate having dinner with you.
I hate your stupid fucking cell phone.
I hate every moment without you
Sitting here all alone

I hate that the song has ended
And the record is on the shelf
Now where once we danced together
You dance all by yourself.

 

[WickedEve]

I like parts of this poem. I think it's too much, though. But that's just my opinion. I'd keep some of the best lines and try an edit like this:

I hate everything about you.

I hate that you are so pretty.
I hate your curly hair.
I hate that you live in New York.
I hate having dinner with you.
I hate that you're fucking someone else.
I hate your stupid fucking cell phone.

I hate that we ever met.


I think these lines above are more interesting. You can start with a one line stanza about how you hate everything about "you." Then give a shorter list. I like having "fucking someone else" thrown in there between dinner and cell phone. And the line about never meeting is a great ending.
I know you have a longer hate list, but some of it may not be interesting enough to the reader to go through the whole list. A shorter poem can say more and grab a reader's attention.

 

[WickedEve]

I just realized that the last line says you hate we ever met instead of never met. Never met would have been a cool twist.

 

[hot4teacher1975]

Hmm...

So, this poem is mainly intended for an audience of one--the woman who the poem is about. Still, I think you're right that the list is too long and she may just get overwhelmed.

As writers we strive to find the perfect and different words to describe our thoughts in one piece. While repetition can be effective, it can also be boring. I see your point.

I like you're idea of a twist ending there.

Maybe the best format for this type of poem would be

Stanza 1- hating everything about you

Stanza 2- all of those things

Stanza 3- bring it all full circle, some kind of surprise ending maybe.

The main point I think I need to get across I think is that I hate all of these things because they no longer exist as they did when we were lovers, not that I hate her, of course. And, also, that she has had such an impact on me that while I'm lucid and calm in one moment, in another I'm angry and distraught.

Any further thoughts?

Thanks.
More to come.

 

[The Poets]

Oh, if it's for an audience of one, then list it all.

 

[WickedEve]

oops, the above post is mine.
Anyway, I think it's different when you're writing for someone in particular than when you're writing for a general audience.

 

[hot4teacher1975]

Are you having an identity crisis?

I agree I think. Since it is for her each item will have special meaning. But, still, I have always been a fan of short and sweet so I'll try to keep it concise.

Just got to work, I love getting paid to write poetry!

Here goes.

p.s. I checked out that Turbo poem that you like. I like it, too. Gave me an idea for another poem.

 

[hot4teacher1975]

oops, the above post is mine.
Anyway, I think it's different when you're writing for someone in particular than when you're writing for a general audience.

draft two:

I hate romance
And all the pain and bereaving
Where once we kissed by chance
Now we only kiss when leaving
.
I hate that you are so pretty.
I hate your curly hair.
I hate cuddling with you.
And knowing that you care.

I hate talking about your life with you.
I hate it when you sing.
I hate going to the movies with you
What about the happy Hollywood ending?

I hate walking with you.
I hate that you have another lover
I hate talking to you
While lying under the covers

I hate traveling the world with you.
I hate it when you dance.
I hate that you live in New York
I wish I had a chance

I hate it when you visit me.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you don't visit me.
I never want you to see me cry

I hate having dinner with you.
I hate your stupid fucking cell phone.
I hate every moment without you
Sitting here all alone

I hate that the song has ended
And the record is on the shelf
Now where once we danced together
You dance all by yourself.

 

[hot4teacher1975]

bump

Love some thoughts on the 2nd draft before I start the 3rd...Thanks, all.

 

[WickedEve]

Since you said it was for one person, then I'm sure that when this person reads it that... he/she?... will understand where you're coming from.

I like the new last stanza:
I hate that the song has ended
And the record is on the shelf
Now where once we danced together
You dance all by yourself.

It's an interesting image but you need to fix line 3. Change "where once we" to "where we once."

 

[hot4teacher1975]

Need to work on my rhyme scheme; I've labeled each line below.

Also, you'll notice that in the first and last stanzas only the first line begins with "I hate..." where as in the middle ones all except the last line do. Not sure if this has much of an effect, but I'd like it to.

Thanks so much with yoiur help, Eve, I'm pretty happywith it now if I can just work out these last few kinks. (no pun intended ;-)

I hate romance a
Like that fateful evening b
Where once we kissed by chance a
Now we only kiss when leaving b

I hate that you are so pretty c
I hate your curly hair d
I hate cuddling with you in the City c
And knowing that you care d

I hate talking about your life with you e
I hate it when you sing b
I hate going to the movies with you e
What about the happy Hollywood ending? b

I hate walking with you e
I hate that you have another lover f
I hate talking to you e
While lying under the covers f

I hate traveling the world with you, airport to airport e
I hate it when you dance g
I hate that you live in New York e
I wish I had a chance g

I hate it when you visit me h
I hate it when you lie i
I hate it when you don't visit me h
I never want you to see me cry i

I hate having dinner with you e
I hate your stupid fucking cell phone j
I hate every moment without you e
Sitting here all alone j

I hate that our song lasts not forever k
That the record is now on the shelf l
And where we once danced together k
You dance all by yourself l

 

[hot4teacher1975]

1. Changed the content a bit in trying to workout the rhyme scheme.
-abab cdcd efef cgcg hihi cjcj klkl mcmc abab
-First and Last stanzas both abab
-middle stanzas are unique except that in every other one the 2nd and last lines end with you, or a like sounding word (c)

2. Need to condense 1st stanza while keeping same rhyme scheme

I hate romance, forever an ever a
Like that fateful November night as you took away my breath b
Once we kissed by chance and chose to endeavor a
Now it feels like the kiss of death b

I hate talking about your life with you c
I hate it when you sing d
I hate going to the movies with you c
What about the happy fucking Hollywood ending? d

I hate that you are so pretty e
I hate your curly hair f
I hate cuddling with you in the City e
And knowing that you care f

I hate walking with you c
I hate that you have another lover g
I hate talking to you c
While lying under the covers g

I hate traveling the world with you, airport to airport h
I hate it when you dance i
I hate that you live in New York h
I wish I had a chance i

I hate having dinner with you c
I hate your stupid fucking cell phone j
I hate every moment without you c
Sitting here all alone j

I hate it when you visit me k
I hate it when you lie l
I hate it when you don't visit me k
I never want you to see me cry l

I hate that my heart is full of love m
I hate having no one to give it to c
I hate that you fit me like a glove m
I only have eyes for you c

I hate that our song lasts not forever a
That the record is now on the shelf b
And where we once danced together a
You dance all by yourself b