Othello and the Whore of Venice

[sanchopanza]

It was just a quick run it through and post it on the net job. Just to see if I could write porn really. I've got mostly good feedback when I posted it elsewhere - the only criticism I got was that it wasn't vulgar enough - if anyone has the time and patience I'd appreciate a little criticism.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=111410

 

[jon.hayworth]

I am going to assume that you want absolute honesty, and not an ego massage.

You are either exceptionally brave or foolhardy to risk tampering with the Bard. There are 2 groups of readers you will have alienated. -
1. The Bardolators.
2. Those who had to do Shakespeare at school and as a result became Bardphobics.

I think the first and major error was to write it in the format of a playscript, the average person has never read a script and finds it difficult to visualise what is going on. Remember when someone wants to read an errotic story they want their baser senses to be stimulated, not some mental exercise. - I made the same error when I wrote "Talisman - Doctor Forman's Discoverie" - you will find it in Chain Stories.

Secondly as a parody of Shakespeare's wordsmithing it fails - when I spoke the words it lacked both rythem and rhyme. However if you had a company who wanted to perform this piece I am sure you could polish-up the iambic pentameters.

Third remember the International nature of your audience - some jokes don't work eg "this is Venice not Liverpool." A big laugh in the UK but the rest of the world - sorry and in context Venice had a reputation much the same as Liverpools both were major seaports at different times.

Out of interest try rewriting in a conventional story format and submitting it - give it a slightly different title and see how it performs. Look at the stage directions - fine for a play but too clinical to be erotic.

jon

 

[Guest]

SP, I don't understand your intent. It does not work as a parody or any special word-play; the contemporary lines aren't particularly funny or effective standing out as they do amidst what seems a Shakespeare-like text. You put in many borrowed phrases but seemingly without purpose and I daresay most Lit. readers won't get them.

I enjoy parodies and all sorts of adaptations of Sh're, but the bulk of your text seems only to serve as a long lead in to the gang bang, which in itself has some wit.

You write very well and know the original text and the characters but I simply don't find a substantial focus or intent in this piece. For Literotica I would suggest going more with the gang bang style.

regards, Perdita

 

[dr_mabeuse]

It doesn't work as parody, and it doesn't work as porn.

What else is there to say?


---dr.M.

 

[wornoutkeyboard]

SP...

I glanced... and I do say *glanced* at it out of morbid curiosity and I don't feel I can be objective in my review so I am refraining.

What I will offer is this:

I professionally write satire editorials for magazines and I have become extremely experienced in the area of parody and satire.

I don't think that you may realise that like any other area of writing there are "rules" and "guidelines" that exist that when followed will almost universally keep your story from completely falling flat. (I know...we writers are so egotistical that we even have to make rules about comedy...lol).

If you would like I can help you in this area. However, writing comedy is EXTREMELY...(note the rarely used caps)..difficult and not a challenge to be taken lightly. (Pardon my pun). If you want help with this I would be happy to give it but I don't want to waste my time with someone who is not terribly committed.

If you were just writing this to write it, then fine... it was done badly and you don't ever have to look back.

If you were writing this as an exercize to hone your comedy skills then it is very poor and a good indicator that you need some help to get on the right path.

Figure out which scenario fits your situation and let me know if you want some help.

~WOK

 

[Rainbow Skin]

There's too much Shakespeare in it. It basically comes across as the real play with a few interjections for the sake of using swear words: one line of wanting to fuck her, instead of three or four lines about her beauty.

If you want to make it contemporary, you have to revise a whole lot more. Give them shades and boom-boxes and fast cars, and mention Richard and Judy, Jerry Springer, the war on Iraq, and Tesco's: not just 'fuck off' and 'oi, cunt'.

With a well-known play you can count on the readers knowing the story and some of the original lines: less so with Othello than with Hamlet, but certainly things like 'making the beast with two backs'. (Readers who don't know it at all will just have got mystified or bored before this and given up.) So you don't need to tell them those. You can parody them, or twist them to your own purpose. Instead of talking about black rams topping white ewes, you can make this a contemporary reference and exploit rap music, big cars, gold jewellery, anything that resonates suitably in contemporary culture. The readers will pick up which scene or lines you're playing with.

 

[sanchopanza]

well thanks to those who are actually sensible in their reply and pragmatic in their suggestions. kiss my arse to those of you who keep trying to say that it is a parody. it was not meant as a parody it was written as a very private joke for someone who was about to study othello for her english lit. course - i e-mailed it to her first before uploading it to the net. it was meant as homage not parody, nowhere have i claimed it to be a parody but half the people who replied to my posting criticised me on the fact that it doesn't work as parody - well what a fucking surprise! i was under the assumption that people on here could take it at face value and not try to read into it my intentions, so i was wrong. everybody who read the story that i had personally showed it to said they liked it and the worst criticism i got for it was "oh it's got loads of dirty words in it" even the english faculty liked it. dr_mabeuse "It doesn't work as parody, and it doesn't work as porn." such good criticism for your next trick why don't you suck my balls.

 

[DarlingNikki]

it was not meant as a parody it was written as a very private joke for someone who was about to study othello for her english lit. course -

Parody: A literary or artistic work that imitates the characteristic style of an author or a work for comic effect or ridicule. (www.dictionary.com)

So... how is this not a parody, please? I'm sure you aren't implying it's not literary or artistic.

It came across "at face value" as parody to me too, without having to sit down and puzzle out your intentions. (Why would I bother?) If everyone's reading your work "wrong" maybe it's time for a second draft. I mean that to be helpful.

 

[sanchopanza]

oi. i claimed it wasn't a parody because it isn't - i didn't imitate the characteristic style of shakespeare for comic effect or ridicule - what i did was use the first act of othello to create a build up for the pneumatically climatic sex scene. i didn't try to use shakespeare's language for comic effect - i didn't see anyone laughing did you? anyway i don't want to get into semantics here (not again) all i'll say is that it wasn't meant as a parody of shakespeare - just a joke, i'm surprised how few people understand this. the first time i submit it to a newsgroup i asked for feedback - and only got positive feedback about how they had laughed all the way through it and now i post on here and get this crap about the definition of parody?

 

[DarlingNikki]

... i didn't try to use shakespeare's language for comic effect

...the first time i submit it to a newsgroup i asked for feedback - and only got positive feedback about how they had laughed all the way through it ...

I wonder what they were laughing at then, if not the use of language? I certainly don't want to argue semantics with you either! Yikes! Sorry we give the wrong kind of feedback around here! Good luck to you!

 

[sanchopanza]

i'm not trying to argue, i'm not ungrateful for the feedback im just annoyed that some people took it too seriously. it was only meant as a low-brow joke - guess some people didn't get it