OT: A totally random question about "exploring the possibilities"

[marieR19]

RANT WARNING
I'm going to try not to make this too long, and I know this forum is for bdsm-related topics and this isn't, and I don't know how lieniant you all are about that, but gosh I need advice. And since I don't have any real-life friends at all, I figure you all know me well enough, and yeah.
My girlfriend and I broke up a few weeks ago, it's a long story that I'm going to try not to get into. Since then I have cried every single night, cut a lot, had two very suicidal days, and have just been very very depressed and feeling totally helpless. When this break-up first happened, it was more of a "on a break because that's what needs to happen right now, but we still love each other very much and want to be together". About a week ago I talked to Beth (girlfriend) and asked her back (I was the one that broke up with her), and she mainly said that she wasn't sure she wanted to get back together right now, maybe not ever. It completely threw me for a loop. I had noooo idea that she was feeling any of the things she eventually told me she was (trapped, I'm too dependant, she wants someone closer, etc). I was very upset about her not wanting to be together anymore, so we didn't talk for awhile... Tonight is the first time in I think three days that we've talked.
Anyways, that's the background. The thing is, she told me that one of the big reasons she doesn't really want to be with me is because she wants to "explore".... She wants to go to clubs and see what other women are out there and explore her options. But she also is saying that she loves me the same as she always has and she still really wants me, and she can't imagine not being with me just to explore. I am so confused about all of this. On one hand I want her to explore, because I do not want to get back into a relationship with her and have her be constantly thinking "what if" and stuff, and I don't want her to be with me when she wants more.... On the other hand I'm really scared that if we agree to take a break for awhile so she can explore, she'll end up finding someone else that she wants to be with more then me (even tho she says that won't happen). With everything that she has told me, the reasons that she says she wasn't sure about getting back together (wanting someone more independant who lives closer to her, wanting to explore, not being sure what she wants, etc), I am worried that if she came back it wouldn't be with her whole heart, and I don't want to be with her if she doesn't truly totally want it. But she is saying that she wants to be with me and loves me... That she is a better person because of me and she can't imagine being without me for good. I just don't know what to do, about any of this.
My question starting this post was mainly, how do you all feel about needing to "explore"? If someone (my girlfriend, or even me) just has serious relationships and never is actually on the "dating scene" never "explores", will it come back to haunt them, will they be losing out on something, etc? If you truly love someone, is that need to explore still there, or does that love for that one person and that wanting to be with them make you not want to explore? I just.... I'm just looking for opinions and support, I guess.
Thank you in advance.


Heather

 

[Miss Trickery]

Hello there.

I have been in a very similar situation as yourself. In fact it's like deja vu reading through your post. I know the feeling of loving someone so much and have them seek out some distance, saying that we could be together again - but as every day passes, it seems that we are only growing farther apart. I have often wondered if the reason for that was because my love did not want to flat out tell me that we were over. In your case, your significant other wanted to explore other people, mine just wanted space - not to date, or perhaps I was just told that. Regardless, I cannot imagine a person telling you how much you mean to them and how good you are for them while saying that they want to be with other people as well.

The need for exploration can go both ways. That person seeking exploration could eventually figure out that they do want to be with someone else rather than you - on the other hand, they may realize that you are what they wanted afterall, but are they worth taking back after leaving you in the first place? If you truly love that person, then perhaps they will be taken back - though as for it being the right thing to do, is solely up to you. In my experience, the distance between my love and I only made it easier for her to accept being without me and perhaps allowed her to get over the break up easier. In your case, you should wonder if she is putting you on the back-burner as a fail-safe. Just in case she doesnt find what she's looking for, she could always go back to you. I dont know your relationship, so I'm at no position to judge anything.

Perhaps you too, should move on and explore. After weeks of crying my eyes out and not wanting to move on because of the possibility that she may come back - I eventually managed to find someone else. Actually, this person sort of bumped into me. I confided in this person and now perhaps I have found someone else that I could love. The love part of the whole thing is the hard part. But don't waste your time waiting for something that may never come back - if they wanted you as much as you wanted them, they wouldnt have left in the first place.

my 2 pennies worth.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Like MissTrickery, I don't know you or your relationship, and I really can't answer any questions except from my own viewpoint as a Dominant het male...

For what it's worth, relationships come and go. Some come back, some don't. My ex-wife and I originally went together for about 18 months or so, split up for a while, got back together and were married for about 14 years. And I discovered the BDSM community and finally figured out why I had been feeling so incomplete in a relationship with someone I deeply and truly loved.

When I wanted to "explore" this part of myself, she couldn't accept it, even though I wanted to explore it with her. She asked for a divorce. Broke my heart but I let her go. I could continue to live a lie, now knowing and understanding what that lie was (to pretend to be vanilla), all the while becoming more and more depressed, or I could let her go and "explore" this part of myself, accepting my thirst for sadism and dominance, to grow into who and what I really am. Funny (or sad depending on how you look at it) thing is... I still love her.

I do not know what the future holds for you or your ex, but I do know this: You, and only you, can define who and what you are. You and only you can live your life. You and only you can give your life meaning and worth. Others can add to your life, others can influence and nudge and color... But you define those additions, those influences, those colors, you control how much impact you permit them to have. And only you have to live with yourself, no one else has to.

Accept with joy when someone chooses to share their path with you for a time, and with grace and thanks let them go when their path diverges. Yes it hurts, yes it leaves an emptiness and loneliness behind. But that loneliness and emptiness are a great opportunity to renew our friendship and love with our own selves, and allow us to grow with what we learned in the sharing if we accept the opportunity.

Now is the time to take care of YOU.

Safe journeys, wherever life may take you.

 

[brioche]

Hmmm....

Well, i did do some vanilla dating, but most of it left me cold. i knew there was something out there that was what i was looking for, but i had no idea what it was. Now that i am slowly getting involved into this area i have a sense of rightness that i didn't have before.

Perhaps she felt the same as i did - that there was something more out there for her and she needed to explore and find it. i do know that if i hadn't gotten involved here, i would still be feeling that something was missing in a big way. So, perhaps this is a good thing. Perhaps it's something she needs to do, whether or not she's meant for you.

Hang tight!

brioche

 

[h_i_s]

Based on my own personal experiences, and other's experiences that i have witnessed .......
Sometimes, when one person of the relationship has decided, and stated that they need time to explore, the person has decided that they are not ready to settle down, or be involved in, or committed to a one-on-one relationship.
Sometimes, the person who needs to explore will state that it's just a temporary thing that they need to get out of their system, while attempts are made on their part to keep that committed relationship going to some extent .... in case the exploration:

1. doesn't go as planned/isn't as enjoyable as they thought it may be
2. leaves them with no one to cuddle/kiss/fondle etc ect during times when they are not out there actively exploring
3. finds them wanting to 'go back', IE: It allows them to keep one foot in the door of that committed relationship ... should they suddenly decide there is nothing better out there worth keeping

marieR19, only you can know what path to take at this point, & which possibilities, and/or solutions may apply to the situation. Regardless, the best advice i could offer either way: 'Try' not to dwell on it constantly. Of course you need to deal with it, as well as the feelings involved ... but, too much all at once is not so good for you. Get out with others if you can, focus on things you enjoy (hobbies, etc), pamper yourself (bubble baths? chocolate? more chocolate? indulge in a manicure? a haircut --easy there though, nothing to dramamtic during a time of depression or it may be regretted?)

Regardless, hope all turns out well & for the best for you.

 

[landcruisergal]

only you can live your life. You and only you can give your life meaning and worth. Others can add to your life, others can influence and nudge and color... But you define those additions, those influences, those colors, you control how much impact you permit them to have. And only you have to live with yourself, no one else has to.

Accept with joy when someone chooses to share their path with you for a time, and with grace and thanks let them go when their path diverges. Yes it hurts, yes it leaves an emptiness and loneliness behind. But that loneliness and emptiness are a great opportunity to renew our friendship and love with our own selves, and allow us to grow with what we learned in the sharing if we accept the opportunity.

Now is the time to take care of YOU.

Safe journeys, wherever life may take you.

Gee. This is exactly how I look at my life, but couldnt express it so clearly. Its a philosophy that puts your life in perspective***** is dynamic not static.
Not only breakups, but death too, is easier to accept when seen in this light.
(a friend died last week after a long illness, and my dog the week before.I focus on the happiness, courage and lessons they both taught me, and consider my life richer for knowing them)
Thanks Geoff
MarieR19, take your time. Be good to yourself. The past is behind you, tomorrow hasnt happened yet, you only have the here and now. Dont waste it being unhappy.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

(a friend died last week after a long illness, and my dog the week before.I focus on the happiness, courage and lessons they both taught me, and consider my life richer for knowing them)
Thanks Geoff

I'm sorry to hear about your losses landcruisergal, my condolences. And thank you so much for the kind words!

{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}

May joyful memories bring you peace and comfort.

 

[marieR19]

Just want to extend a heartfelt thank-you to everyone who replied. I'm doing a bit better now, and as I expected your comments and kind words helped my spirits tremendously. Thank you!

Heather
ps: landcruisergal, I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. *hugs*

 

[catalina_francisco]

Don't waste your time waiting for something that is not happening. As that great book says '(s)he's just not that into you ', and as cruel as it sounds, when I look back at past relationships and experiences and weigh what is said in that book, it is actually a kind message in saving a person wasting themselves hoping someone who is not with them by choice, may decide to change their mind and come back (and as Greg has said, it works when talking of women as well0. While you spend time waiting and hoping and wondering, not only are they out living a great life, but that person who really would want to be with you and value what you have to offer is likely to pass by unseen..and you still will be sitting there alone wondering when your turn for love is going to happen. Try not to see it as rejection, as it isn't....not everyone is right for you and vv....but recognise it is not a good place for you to be sitting waiting when life is too short.

Catalina

 

[landcruisergal]

I didnt mean to hijack, but thank you for your kind words.
I just wanted to highlight Geoff's statement.
Loss and separation is a time of change,and often a turning point in our lives.
Its how we react to it that matters.
(my other dog seems to enjoy being the centre of attention for a change)