Opinions welcome: "The Suicide Sun"

[Affirmation]

Hello!

I was wondering if any kind souls could possibly cast a critical eye over my story "The Suicide Sun" ?

It's (hopefully!) a dark comedy about suicidal depression, hosted in the 'non-erotic' section of Literotica, and it's a test chapter -- I'm not sure how succesful it is, and I'm undecided as to whether there is mileage in continuing. As it stands, it could almost be a short story that stands alone.

Any and all criticism is welcome, so please feel free to savage me!

With many thanks,

--Affirmation

 

[Affirmation]

Anybody?

All opinions welcome.

 

[kbate]

I quite like it, although it feels unfinished.

The names are a little too "direct" perhaps but they fit the characters well enough. I think you should have used fewer 'knackereds' and perhaps changed the words up a little more.

Over use of the contraction - it's, I know it's difficult to replace, but it's also annoying to read it's 30 times in a few paragraphs. Unless intentionally redundant to help set the dark mood.

I'm not dogging you, it is one of the better written stories I have read lately and I did enjoy it.

 

[CopyCarver]

Hello!

I was wondering if any kind souls could possibly cast a critical eye over my story "The Suicide Sun" ?

It's (hopefully!) a dark comedy about suicidal depression, hosted in the 'non-erotic' section of Literotica, and it's a test chapter -- I'm not sure how succesful it is, and I'm undecided as to whether there is mileage in continuing. As it stands, it could almost be a short story that stands alone.

Any and all criticism is welcome, so please feel free to savage me!

With many thanks,

--Affirmation

It's definitely successful. There are a few rough spots, as noted by kbate, that could benefit from a bit of buffing but these are all quick fixes. The story itself is there.

I also noticed a certain "unfinished" quality, but I tend to interpret this--rightly or wrongly--as a metaphor for the inherently unfinished nature of any human life.

Good job!