Opinions on voice

[EveC]

Hello, bibliophiles! I just posted my second-ever story on literotica—a sequel to my first. My first story is written with a strong second person deuteragonist in an effort to make the reader feel like they’re central to the narrative. I questioned the choice… it’s rather unconventional, and some thoughtful feedback I received also suggested that I consider pulling the second person into the third. So, in my sequel, I wrote the character in the 3rd person. I’d love feedback and opinions on the voice so I can align the whole series!

Of course, I’d also really welcome any and all other thoughts and feedback… and votes!

Links below. Thanks in advance!

Ch. 01
https://www.literotica.com/s/pull-over-1

Ch. 02
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-dare-25

 

[Chaste_Down]

Hello, bibliophiles! I just posted my second-ever story on literotica—a sequel to my first. My first story is written with a strong second person deuteragonist in an effort to make the reader feel like they’re central to the narrative. I questioned the choice… it’s rather unconventional, and some thoughtful feedback I received also suggested that I consider pulling the second person into the third. So, in my sequel, I wrote the character in the 3rd person. I’d love feedback and opinions on the voice so I can align the whole series!

Of course, I’d also really welcome any and all other thoughts and feedback… and votes!

Links below. Thanks in advance!

Ch. 01
https://www.literotica.com/s/pull-over-1

Ch. 02
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-dare-25

2nd person is an unusual choice but can be popular (Jemisin's Fifth Season has done well in fantasy).

I'd not really considered it for an erotic story but actually it could work really well, especially in a BDSM or forced feminisation story - really making the reader lose themselves in the text. It could add a level of helplessness/compulsion: you do this, you do that. Present tense would work well with it.

I'll check yours out.

I submitted my first here yesterday. It's been fun!

 

[SimonDoom]

The first story isn't in 2d-person POV; it's a form of first-person POV in which the narrator/character addresses another person. It's a less common form of first-person POV than you use in the second story, which is told in conventional first-person POV where all persons other than the narrator/character are referred to in the third person.

There's nothing wrong with the POV in the first story, although it is less conventional and some readers may not like it as a result of lack of familiarity. I think this version of 1st-person POV can work well with erotica in particular, because the reader puts himself/herself in the role of the person being addressed, and that can be very erotic for some readers. It's up to you. I'm curious what sort of reaction you get to the second story compared with the first.

 

[Lifestyle66]

As SimonDoom pointed out your first story is first person, with the narrator saying 'I saw...', 'I laughed', 'I said...'

I write the same way, because I can better feel the flow of the conversations and situation descriptions.

The probable problem I have with readership views and ratings would come from the reader not identifying with that POV. A 20-something female can't read and feel what a 50-Y.O. geek guy is thinking. A 30-Y.O. Alpha male who believes he owns his wife/GF can't relate to the geek sharing his wife as he fucks another woman.

So, it's only a selective audience who relates to the first person POV. Apparently most readers prefer the story to be told objectively, allowing them to judge objectively from their own POV. But there are guys who would like a female POV when it's leading toward hot sex.

 

[windar]

Yes, second person would be: "You walk unto the room and see her standing there. You ask her name..."

It's done very occasionally in fiction

https://www.thebalancecareers.com/the-second-person-point-of-view-in-fiction-writing-1277131

 

[KeithD]

This was double-posted to the Feedback forum and I read it there first--and, as has been done here, pointed out there before seeing this thread that the first story was first person (with bastardized second person interjected), not second person.

 

[SimonDoom]

You know it's 1st person POV, not 2d person POV, when the following are true:

1. The narrator uses the pronoun "I" in the story, and the story is told from I's point of view.

2. Whether or not the story includes the pronoun "you," the narrator does not get inside "you"'s head. Only "I"'s thoughts are revealed.

Example of 1st person:

I walked with you to the park. You seemed lost in thought, and I wondered if you were thinking about the hockey game earlier in the day. We bought ice cream and you stared into the distance. I was frustrated.

Example of 2d person:

You walked to the park with Tiffany. You were lost in thought, wondering who had won the hockey game earlier in the day. You and Tiffany bought ice cream and you stared into the distance, aware that Tiffany seemed frustrated with your behavior.

 

[JayJams78]

There's two sides to my answer here, one a broad rule, the other more focused.

As a general rule, because of the way our minds and ears process narrative, the third person tends to ring best. Not much of an objective, concerned reason I can give here except to say that it's simply true. There's a good reason most books and stories from the best authors tend to be in that voice. That's the broad principle.

That said, the other voices, I would argue most effectively in the short story form, have been used to great advantage. But only if it's honest to the character. Don't overthink it. Learn to just let whoever the character in your head is telling the story... let them tell it the way they want to in the voice most natural to them. You are simply their scribe. You do that, I believe questions of voice or style, along with several other questions, just go away. They cease to matter. Your character is talking.