Opinions on voice?

[EveC]

Hello, bibliophiles! I just posted my second-ever story on literotica—a sequel to my first. My first story is written with a strong second person deuteragonist in an effort to make the reader feel like they’re central to the narrative. I questioned the choice… it’s rather unconventional, and some thoughtful feedback I received also suggested that I consider pulling the second person into the third. So, in my sequel, I wrote the character in the 3rd person. I’d love feedback and opinions on the voice so I can align the whole series!

Of course, I’d also really welcome any and all other thoughts and feedback… and votes!

Links below. Thanks in advance!

Ch. 01
https://www.literotica.com/s/pull-over-1

Ch. 02
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-dare-25

 

[purplishy]

I personally have a great deal of trouble with stories written in the second person. It feels like the author is ascribing intents and emotions to me that aren't mine, to the point where the character feels alien to me and it pulls me out of the story. That said though, it was well written and I know a lot of people are into second person!

The second chapter was much easier for me to read. I struggled here for a different reason though... it came across to me as dub-con: the hand around the neck, the speakeasy-style secret back room, the two men, and the narrator having little agency and hardly anything at all to say in the latter third of the story. The narrator was certainly into it though, and particularly trusting with someone she'd seemingly just met. I did like the ending though

Kudos to you, and from a fellow new author, keep up the good work!

 

[KeithD]

Your first story isn't in second person, as denoted in the first phrase in the story, "It's our third date." The story is told from the perspective of "I" (first person) not "you" although you mix in some internalization of the "you." You establish first person from the get-go and you proceed to mix it first person and second person up. So, your first story is in a bastardized voice. Just noting that this wasn't a matter of moving from real second person voice to third.

So, yes, perhaps it's best for you to use first or third person.

 

[HectorBidon]

The use of the third person for referring to Travis in the second story works quite well. The story still has the first-person intimacy and the present-tense immediacy that made the first story so compelling. But having Travis referred to in the third person rather than the second person makes it easier to picture him as a character in the story.

It was always clear to me that the "you" in the first story referred to Travis, not to me personally. But that set up in my mind from the very beginning the idea that there was a you-the-author who had already been through the events of the evening and a Travis-to-whom-you-are-writing who had already been through them as well. That awareness took the edge off the twists and turns of the evening. Why are you telling him that, I kept asking myself. He was there. He knows that already.

You're a very good writer. Your stories have a fun, almost breathless sense of adventure and excitement. "Oh my god. It's a front." That sense comes through with more immediacy—even, I would say, with more intimacy—with the third person deuteragonist. You're not writing to him any more, you're writing to me: you the in-the-moment narrator to me the right-there-breathlessly-with-you reader. Your deuteragonist is just a made up character, but your feelings, your wit, your sensibility, they're real, and you're sharing them with me. That's the way I see it at least, and that, in my mind, is what writing is all about.

 

[Nylonian]

Echoing some of the other comments here. Playing around with voice is nice but I think a good immersive first person narrative is the best thing for intimacy and immersion. Whereas I think third-person works the best for group scenarios and BDSM. It's hard to write in the second person but if it works for you and doesn't feel contrived. Go for it!