sophia jane
Decked Out
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 15,225
A few months back, I asked for opinions on average sex because I was working on a scene where the sex was supposed to be not so great. I've written the first draft of the scene now, and it feels off to me, like I've made it too bad instead of merely average. So...I'd really like to hear some opinions on the scene and your impressions of the characters. I don't normally post little pieces of a WIP, but this story is going to be my longest thus far and getting it right is kinda important to me. Any thoughts, opinions, criticisms are very welcome. Of course, so is saying job well done, but it doesn't feel well done yet. Thanks bunches! (oh! keep in mind this scene is in the middle of the story between a major character and a minor character).
So here it is:
She unlocked her door and walked inside, looking over her shoulder at him before saying, “Are you coming?”
He hesitated, recognizing her invitation for what it was. He had really liked Sophie, still really liked her, but one date certainly didn’t equal a commitment, and they hadn’t even slept together. And Alicia…Alicia was gorgeous with a body that would make almost any mouth water. No way could he walk away from the opportunity, so he followed her inside, and he shut the door behind him.
Alicia walked down the hall, and Marcus continued to follow her. At her bedroom door he paused, watching as she began to undress. She hadn’t looked at him again, but was simply removing her clothing and tossing each piece aside. Her breasts were high and firm, and perfectly round; a dim part of his mind knew that such perfection had to have been purchased, but seeing her toned and tan body in all its glory, he didn’t much care whether they were natural or not. He crossed the room to her, and only then did she look at him.
“You’re overdressed,” she said, reclining across her bed and watching him, almost passively.
He removed his clothes, even as his mind disengaged fractionally. Why was she just laying there? Did this seem almost too cold?
He climbed onto the bed and leaned over her, his face inches from hers. Her eyes seemed mildly interested, but there was no spark, no passion. He wondered why she had invited him in. He leaned down further and kissed her; she kissed him back, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him toward her. Still, part of his mind knew her actions were not as much from desire as from practice. His body, however, didn’t care. Marcus’ mouth roamed down her neck and to her breasts, to her small pink nipples, down her taut stomach and eventually between her thighs. Alicia moaned appropriately then, when his tongue caressed her clit and his fingers pushed into her. It took several minutes of intense focus on her clitoris before she came, sighing and moaning, but it was worth it to see her finally lose control, even for a few seconds.
Marcus rose and reached for a condom from his pants; he moved between her legs, pushing his cock inside her. Alicia adjusted her legs to give him room to move, and put her hands on his ass, but looking down at her, he could see that she just wasn’t involved. Sure, she moving with him and she was moaning, but again, he felt no passion. Was it him or her, he wondered? She tightened around him, and despite his mind’s questioning, he came in a final thrust.
Neither of them moved for several minutes, but both knew he wouldn’t stay the night. Gradually, they disengaged and Marcus gathered his clothes and dressed. He made apologies for needing to leave that she eagerly accepted, kissed her on the forehead and left. Why, he wondered, did he feel like he should leave money on her nightstand?
So here it is:
She unlocked her door and walked inside, looking over her shoulder at him before saying, “Are you coming?”
He hesitated, recognizing her invitation for what it was. He had really liked Sophie, still really liked her, but one date certainly didn’t equal a commitment, and they hadn’t even slept together. And Alicia…Alicia was gorgeous with a body that would make almost any mouth water. No way could he walk away from the opportunity, so he followed her inside, and he shut the door behind him.
Alicia walked down the hall, and Marcus continued to follow her. At her bedroom door he paused, watching as she began to undress. She hadn’t looked at him again, but was simply removing her clothing and tossing each piece aside. Her breasts were high and firm, and perfectly round; a dim part of his mind knew that such perfection had to have been purchased, but seeing her toned and tan body in all its glory, he didn’t much care whether they were natural or not. He crossed the room to her, and only then did she look at him.
“You’re overdressed,” she said, reclining across her bed and watching him, almost passively.
He removed his clothes, even as his mind disengaged fractionally. Why was she just laying there? Did this seem almost too cold?
He climbed onto the bed and leaned over her, his face inches from hers. Her eyes seemed mildly interested, but there was no spark, no passion. He wondered why she had invited him in. He leaned down further and kissed her; she kissed him back, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him toward her. Still, part of his mind knew her actions were not as much from desire as from practice. His body, however, didn’t care. Marcus’ mouth roamed down her neck and to her breasts, to her small pink nipples, down her taut stomach and eventually between her thighs. Alicia moaned appropriately then, when his tongue caressed her clit and his fingers pushed into her. It took several minutes of intense focus on her clitoris before she came, sighing and moaning, but it was worth it to see her finally lose control, even for a few seconds.
Marcus rose and reached for a condom from his pants; he moved between her legs, pushing his cock inside her. Alicia adjusted her legs to give him room to move, and put her hands on his ass, but looking down at her, he could see that she just wasn’t involved. Sure, she moving with him and she was moaning, but again, he felt no passion. Was it him or her, he wondered? She tightened around him, and despite his mind’s questioning, he came in a final thrust.
Neither of them moved for several minutes, but both knew he wouldn’t stay the night. Gradually, they disengaged and Marcus gathered his clothes and dressed. He made apologies for needing to leave that she eagerly accepted, kissed her on the forehead and left. Why, he wondered, did he feel like he should leave money on her nightstand?