Opening paragraphs

[TadOverdon]

I should add that the Velociraptor teeshirt is a nice bit of subtle characterization for the younger sister. The joke is a clever and elaborate nerd pun, a smart in-joke, which maybe tells the reader a thing about her.

 

[8letters]

We were interrupted by a knock at my dorm room door. "Come in!" I hoped it wasn't who I thought it was.

I liked that for the reasons you gave. I changed it to "Come in!" I yelled." as it would no longer be clear who said "Come in!".

As for the "my voice full of annoyance", it's important to me that Eli shows his sister that he's annoyed that she's interrupted his study session. It's not a great phrasing, but to express more exactly what Eli's is saying and feeling would take a very long sentence, and I really want to get into the next paragraph where I show why he's annoyed at his sister's visit.

This was the one thing that read to me as unclear. I already knew the joke, so I got it from the description. But I had to read it twice (maybe I skim too much).

I'm way too wordy, but I might write something like:

I'm describing a different shirt, which would have Landon's eyes stay on Z's bust as they work form left to right. Your shirt would have Landon's eyes moving downwards, not spending a lot of time on Z's bust.

Another of my beta-readers said my description wasn't clear, so the wording does need to be improved. I changed it to:

“I could never be a pre-med major,” Z said as she twisted her body slightly back and forth. “I could never learn all the stuff you have to learn.” Z's movement drew Landon's attention to the silly mathematical formula on her t-shirt. The formula was Distance Raptor divided by Time Raptor equals Veloci Raptor. The last two words were printed over a black velociraptor that covered most of Z’s left breast. Landon was quiet for a moment as he read the shirt.

I should add that the Velociraptor teeshirt is a nice bit of subtle characterization for the younger sister. The joke is a clever and elaborate nerd pun, a smart in-joke, which maybe tells the reader a thing about her.

Thanks!

 

[TadOverdon]

“I could never be a pre-med major,” Z said as she twisted her body slightly back and forth. “I could never learn all the stuff you have to learn.” Z's movement drew Landon's attention to the silly mathematical formula on her t-shirt. The formula was Distance Raptor divided by Time Raptor equals Veloci Raptor. The last two words were printed over a black velociraptor that covered most of Z’s left breast. Landon was quiet for a moment as he read the shirt.

This is much, much better IMHO than either your original or mine. To describe the formula as a formula rather than trying to recreate the gag image in prose is a clearer, better solution. And it emphasizes the most important aspect of the shirt, from Landon's POV, the girl who's wearing it.

Thanks