Open Marriage - how to have the conversation?

[DDBustyBrit]

So I think I am at this point or about to be and am looking for advice from those who may have already dealt with this.

It is something I have thrown out there in a few heated and calm discussions in the recent past. The reaction has not been more than 'a look'.

I don't need the advice to try counseling, I've done it, I pushed for it and he went along with it for 6 months but that's about all he did and he did not enjoy it.

I don't need a divorce, we are actually completely happy in every other way and I cannot imagine not being in this otherwise great life.

He is just not at all fussed about sex, has no sex drive and would probably live without it if he could. He is also 10 years older than me (60's), so it's not going to improve. There is no physical issue, he finds me attractive and loves me, he is just not sexual as a person.

I am in my prime in my 50's, healthy, super fit, confident, and desire is more than ever. I have told him I am otherwise perfectly content and love him, but I cannot and will not live sexless for the next 30 years. His reaction has been silence, no comment and that look!

Our last heated discussion was over a month ago, and I was as plain as I could be, and apart from a tiny bit more affection (which is nice) I have seen no change or effort. I spent Friday night floating around the house in stockings and hot VS underwear, literally no reaction at all! I walked through the kitchen naked last night, that got me a slap on the butt, but nothing more. And if I am completely honest, even though I have a great looking fit hubby, I have lost all desire for him because we live like friends.

So I think it's safe to say, it's time to face facts. But I'd like to do it in the best possible way, without inflicting too much hurt, or creating anger between us.

Have you dealt with this?

If so how did you do it?

Have you made it work?

If so how?

I am not looking for "try harder" comments, or get him to a Dr, or there's a pill for that.

I am also not looking to get hit on and my pm's are closed, the 3rd person slot is already taken thanks.

But I really could do with some personal experience advice and wisdom.....

 

[DevlinSide]

I always thought asking for a ski vacation instead of the beach was a tough conversation to start with a lady.

You win.

 

[OpenBlouse]

.................

 

[FreddWI]

What a difficult situation. I find myself in a somewhat similar spot, as my wife is not at all sexually oriented. She will go along with basic activity, but has not initiated anything physical since our eldest was born 30 years ago, and any sex is rather tame and vanilla.

I do love her, do not want to hurt her, but feel something is missing. Not sure what to do, either.

 

[occasional_lovers]

I think the real question is not on how to have the conversation. You have already discussed, you have told him that you aren't willing to live sexless any more, but nothing has eventually changed.
My experience: I live in an open marriage, because it was open from the very beginning. I travel a lot, I spend on average five months per year away from home, and the hubby knew that I wasn't going to repress my female nature or restrict myself to only masturbation just to be someone's wife.
To speak the truth, I don't know what would have happened, if my marriage (even with the same man) had begun as monogamous and due to some reason that should later change. I believe it would be impossible, because the other part would treat the situation as treachery.
So the question is: Are you willing to risk your marriage for your sexual needs? If I were you, I would.

 

[DDBustyBrit]

Thank you for the responses, they are thought-to provoking.

 

[Scareltt]

I have like 10 cents...

Sometimes a woman just needs more.

As we grow up we’re told find your match. Your Soul Mate, the love of your life. Your great love. Whatever...

Ill be honest, one person didn’t complete me. We tried for 13 years, longer really. It didn’t work. Well it works on every level except sexual. Sex got to a point where it was a total chore, like laundry level. Something I did even day because no one else would do it. I wasn’t satisfied. (I want to keep this on a just sex level. The whole FLR thing really dosent have to do with sex. Sorry guys)

The truth is, for me new person sex is the hottest, the best, the most exciting. Remember the crazy sex you had with your partner before. Before you had to deal with real life, before Everuday life was just that. The uninhabited sex... the sort of stranger or getting to know you sex. When you would let the explore you and you got to explore them. What a rush..

When I was a kid I loved one of the roller coaster at Six Flags. We would go once a summer. What a rush to ride it! Then I got older and got a season pass. Over the summer it became mundane. It was not the roller coasters fault. It wasn’t mine either. So over the summer I stopped ridding it. I rode new roller coasters and other rides. At the end of the summer I road my old favorite one last time. It was my last ride of the summer. It wasent as exciting as some of the others. It was just what I expected, and I found enjoyment in that.

Maybe an open relationship would be good for you both. Or maybe you should date. I know my husband looks at me totally different now that he knows other men do to. Another plus is and I didn’t realize I did it but I did. I had stopped going out of my way to be pretty for my husband. A pair of yoga pants and a sweatshirt became my uniform. On a rare night out I didn’t do much better. However now I feel sexy and that comes through in my dress, my walk, and attitude.

It’s a long way from that conversation to doing it but having the conversation even it it’s to say. I’m doing this, I love you but our sex life is awful. I don’t want to do this behind your back so I’m telling you to your face.

Well I’m out of time.. gotta go.. if you like you can PM me.. we can talk more..

 

[Runnerwrites]

So I think I am at this point or about to be and am looking for advice from those who may have already dealt with this.

It is something I have thrown out there in a few heated and calm discussions in the recent past. The reaction has not been more than 'a look'.

I don't need the advice to try counseling, I've done it, I pushed for it and he went along with it for 6 months but that's about all he did and he did not enjoy it.

I don't need a divorce, we are actually completely happy in every other way and I cannot imagine not being in this otherwise great life.

He is just not at all fussed about sex, has no sex drive and would probably live without it if he could. He is also 10 years older than me (60's), so it's not going to improve. There is no physical issue, he finds me attractive and loves me, he is just not sexual as a person.

I am in my prime in my 50's, healthy, super fit, confident, and desire is more than ever. I have told him I am otherwise perfectly content and love him, but I cannot and will not live sexless for the next 30 years. His reaction has been silence, no comment and that look!

Our last heated discussion was over a month ago, and I was as plain as I could be, and apart from a tiny bit more affection (which is nice) I have seen no change or effort. I spent Friday night floating around the house in stockings and hot VS underwear, literally no reaction at all! I walked through the kitchen naked last night, that got me a slap on the butt, but nothing more. And if I am completely honest, even though I have a great looking fit hubby, I have lost all desire for him because we live like friends.

So I think it's safe to say, it's time to face facts. But I'd like to do it in the best possible way, without inflicting too much hurt, or creating anger between us.

Have you dealt with this?

If so how did you do it?

Have you made it work?

If so how?

I am not looking for "try harder" comments, or get him to a Dr, or there's a pill for that.

I am also not looking to get hit on and my pm's are closed, the 3rd person slot is already taken thanks.

But I really could do with some personal experience advice and wisdom.....

This is an incredibly difficult and unfortunately all too common situation. Whatever approach you take, I wish you and your husband (and your Dom) the very best.

 

[AbsintheFather]

Sometimes a woman just needs more.

....

When I was a kid I loved one of the roller coaster at Six Flags. We would go once a summer. What a rush to ride it! Then I got older and got a season pass. Over the summer it became mundane. It was not the roller coasters fault. It wasn’t mine either. So over the summer I stopped ridding it. I rode new roller coasters and other rides. At the end of the summer I road my old favorite one last time. It was my last ride of the summer. It wasent as exciting as some of the others. It was just what I expected, and I found enjoyment in that.

....

Well I’m out of time.. gotta go.. if you like you can PM me.. we can talk more..

I absolutely love the roller coaster analogy

I brought up open marriage during one of our state-of-the-marriage discussions not too long ago. She asked me what that meant. In my mind, this just exemplifies the problem. She has no interest in sex, having it, learning about it, talking about it or communicating and working on making it or our marriage better.

Anyway, when I explained it, she gave me a 'look' and I laughed about it a little and backed off. But, the concept has been broached and I guarantee it will be coming up again in a future conversation. When that happens, she'll know what it is and will have had some time to ponder it.

 

[SissySalina]

Maybe the conversation should be both ways.
What would each of you do to make the other happy?
Is he the type person that would allow the outside indulgence to make you happy?
What would you give him in return for allowing this outside influence?

Food for thought from a sissy,

 

[With_David_Bowie]

You have the conversation before you agree to get married. After that is just wanting to get out, but not so much, and it causes pain.

I know a couple who have survived, but, as to the level they were involved in the first place, who Knows.

 

[Scareltt]

My thoughts on married men dating..

I absolutely love the roller coaster analogy

I brought up open marriage during one of our state-of-the-marriage discussions not too long ago. She asked me what that meant. In my mind, this just exemplifies the problem. She has no interest in sex, having it, learning about it, talking about it or communicating and working on making it or our marriage better.

Anyway, when I explained it, she gave me a 'look' and I laughed about it a little and backed off. But, the concept has been broached and I guarantee it will be coming up again in a future conversation. When that happens, she'll know what it is and will have had some time to ponder it.

My thoughts on married men dating are well documented. I’ll leave it at that.

 

[CandiCame]

My first thought was that you needed a pool boy.

But honestly... I feel like if I was in this situation, it would be a whole Thing(tm). Like it would be a "We need to sit down and have a long, boring conversation about our relationship" kind of thing.

Because physical intimacy is a big thing for me, as a person. I know it's not for all people, but for me, bad sex or long dry spells like that have a deeper meaning because I'm so physical. It means that something that is very important to me isn't important to my partner, and any time that happens, any time you don't feel like a priority to someone who is supposed to love you, that really hurts me.

It doesn't have to be sex, it's them being lukewarm about anything that you like. Like, I also love the Legend of Zelda video game series. When a new game, like BOTW comes out, that's all I'll talk about for about a year. For months leading up, I go over every trailer, ever new piece of information that's released. If you care about me, you'll talk Zelda with me, even if you don't give a single fuck.

My boyfriend loves the shit out of Transformers- the cartoon, the games, the figures, the comics, etc. I have never even seen that shit before we got together (I'm too young to have seen the cartoon that sparked his love for it; we've got a similar age gap to you and your man) but I'll be goddamned if I don't know EVERYTHING from obscure characters to Cybertronian politics, reproduction, and how the all-spark works and what that means for religion in-universe. Not because I like transformers, but because I care about him, and I like seeing him nerd out, like experiencing something with him.

Sex is another thing that I really like, like that. It's a big part of my life. So if you don't like it, don't express an interest in something that's important to me, then we might not be compatible, because you're not making an effort. Like, I'm not going to pressure anybody into sex, that's not what I mean, I just mean that we need to talk about it, and how I feel neglected, ignored, and... honestly straight up unloved. It's not going to just be a physical thing for me, because sex is a big part of my life and always has been. That's just how I am, and when you enter into a relationship with me, that's not like... hidden in any way. People know that. And when you want me to deny an aspect of myself to stay monogamous, which is kind of what this sounds like, it's going to hurt, like... it would make me feel unloved if we had that conversation and the take-away was that my desire, my interest, just didn't matter to him.

I don't know that the relationship would survive it, because it's like... an actual deep hurt. It's not a sex thing, really, it's a relationship thing.

 

[Scareltt]

I really like how you said all of that..

If I were anyone reading this, I would take her advice...

It’s really good..

My first thought was that you needed a pool boy.

But honestly... I feel like if I was in this situation, it would be a whole Thing(tm). Like it would be a "We need to sit down and have a long, boring conversation about our relationship" kind of thing.

Because physical intimacy is a big thing for me, as a person. I know it's not for all people, but for me, bad sex or long dry spells like that have a deeper meaning because I'm so physical. It means that something that is very important to me isn't important to my partner, and any time that happens, any time you don't feel like a priority to someone who is supposed to love you, that really hurts me.

It doesn't have to be sex, it's them being lukewarm about anything that you like. Like, I also love the Legend of Zelda video game series. When a new game, like BOTW comes out, that's all I'll talk about for about a year. For months leading up, I go over every trailer, ever new piece of information that's released. If you care about me, you'll talk Zelda with me, even if you don't give a single fuck.

My boyfriend loves the shit out of Transformers- the cartoon, the games, the figures, the comics, etc. I have never even seen that shit before we got together (I'm too young to have seen the cartoon that sparked his love for it; we've got a similar age gap to you and your man) but I'll be goddamned if I don't know EVERYTHING from obscure characters to Cybertronian politics, reproduction, and how the all-spark works and what that means for religion in-universe. Not because I like transformers, but because I care about him, and I like seeing him nerd out, like experiencing something with him.

Sex is another thing that I really like, like that. It's a big part of my life. So if you don't like it, don't express an interest in something that's important to me, then we might not be compatible, because you're not making an effort. Like, I'm not going to pressure anybody into sex, that's not what I mean, I just mean that we need to talk about it, and how I feel neglected, ignored, and... honestly straight up unloved. It's not going to just be a physical thing for me, because sex is a big part of my life and always has been. That's just how I am, and when you enter into a relationship with me, that's not like... hidden in any way. People know that. And when you want me to deny an aspect of myself to stay monogamous, which is kind of what this sounds like, it's going to hurt, like... it would make me feel unloved if we had that conversation and the take-away was that my desire, my interest, just didn't matter to him.

I don't know that the relationship would survive it, because it's like... an actual deep hurt. It's not a sex thing, really, it's a relationship thing.

 

[Libsam]

The next time you are parading around the house in your sexy underthings; walk up to him, firmly handle his jock, and tell him to take off his pants because you want to suck his cock.

Take him to the edge, don't let him cum, it should drive him to fuck the shit out of you.

Let us know how it goes, and we'll help you problem shoot.

 

[DDBustyBrit]

Thank you to those of you with carefully thought out responses, I have much appreciate your thoughts and advice.

Right now it’s gone on the back burner, but at some point it’s going to come up again. So I’m taking notes

 

[Scareltt]

Ruined..

The next time you are parading around the house in your sexy underthings; walk up to him, firmly handle his jock, and tell him to take off his pants because you want to suck his cock.

Take him to the edge, don't let him cum, it should drive him to fuck the shit out of you.

Let us know how it goes, and we'll help you problem shoot.

A ruined orgasm would be so much better.

 

[IrezumiKiss]

A ruined orgasm would be so much better.

Y'know, this "No Nut November" thing going 'round is getting a little out of hand now...

https://media.tenor.com/images/0b80ec3c638aa5feb7e0b9564a0bf080/tenor.gif

 

[navytime09]

Lots of great suggestions here and I might add you could possibly try some literature on the subject. Maybe order or borrow some books, you'll surprised to find out how often communication is discussed and talked about in depth. Some of these points might be just what you are looking for. You might also try leaving these out where your SO will find them as a way to get them at least discussing the topic.

It my not be ethical but you would be surprised at how well the seed grows when someone else is the one planting it. "So and So at work was talking about it and I thought I would read more on it so we can discuss it together." You'd be amazed at how fast the follow up questions flow after the SO thinks someone else is involved.

 

[thør]

Just sit down with her, tell her you wanna fuck around, and see what happens.

Maybe, have a last will, first.

 

[CandiCame]

If I were anyone reading this, I would take her advice...

It’s really good..

Also though, like... good communication is important, and you might find out that your partner is sex-averse. Just to follow up.

There's a lot of stuff that our society does that tries to condition us for serial monogamy and that's just not the best way to live for a lot of reasons. It's a fairly recent development, but a lot of people see it as the ONLY way. Which is why I talked about the idea of sacrificing sex for monogamy.

I... don't really do that. Because of my specific situation, I can't. But if the monogamy and having that particular life partner AS a life partner is more important than the sex, you need to figure that out. If it really is just that you're physically incompatible, but you still think that person is your straight up soul mate, then somebody somewhere is gonna have to make a sacrifice. I would never force someone into sex, so if I was in that situation, I foresee a lot of just jacking off in the shower and accepting that that's a sacrifice I have to make to not be a rapist and get to stay monogamous with my soul mate.

Honestly, it kind of seems like having sex with someone who doesn't really want to would be worse than jacking off. The same way talking about your interests with someone who doesn't care is worse than just not talking about it at all.

You need to know what you both want out of a relationship and what's important to you, is all I'm saying. I feel like a lot of times I see shit with other people and I'm like, "Why aren't yhall just talking to each other?"

Because every partner I've ever had has been my best friend at the time. Like I get real ride or die pretty fast. You could murder someone, tell me, and I'd be like, "Ok so I know a real secluded spot and I think we could hide the body there but we're gonna have to come up with a cover story. God, babe, calm down, you're hyperventilating. Look, go take a shower and get this blood off of you, I'm gonna go get a steam cleaner so we can get it out of the carpet. Honestly, they need it anyway. I've been telling myself I was gonna clean these carpets for a year. God, babe, stop crying, go take a shower. Do NOT let anyone else see this until I get back, ok?"

So like... I just genuinely have a difficult time understanding why people don't just talk to each other but are in relationships. Like I don't get the point of the relationship when it's like that. I feel like most shit can be either solved or discovered the be unsolvable by sitting down and having a shitty, boring talk about whatever the issue is. If you really love each other, you'll figure something out, and if you can't figure something out, then... you probably don't really love each other.

I think a big part of it is that I can just be single and not care. Like I don't HAVE to have a romantic or sexual partner. I'm not financially dependent on anyone or anything like that. Until I had a kid, and was a guy in a family first state, therefore she could get full custody at pretty much any time and I HAD to start learning to compromise and shit, I just always had this thing in the back of my mind of, "Well if they don't love me, we can just break up."

But a lot of people aren't like that. The relationship, and the concept of being in a relationship, is really important to them.

So I guess my advice is 1: know your priorities, 2: know your partner's priorities, and 3: see if they match. If they don't, figure out why the hell you're even there and what the hell you're even doing.

Because even in the relationship I fell into solely because condoms aren't 100% effective, our main priority is our kid, providing a good environment for her and co-parenting effectively. Because that priority is so important, I can put up with a near infinite amount of bullshit to keep that one thing. If she never wanted to fuck me again, it'd be a non-issue. BUT, because we are both working toward the same goal, we're able to act as a team and do what's best FOR the team- and moral is a part of that.

I have a boyfriend. She's dating, as well, but like... that's a whole other thing. Straight guys around here are the worst. An open relationship works for us, but we never claimed to be soul mates or to be in love or anything, so our relationship and your relationship are going to be different. Everyone's is. But you pretty much have to have at least one big priority that is the same. If you don't, if you have completely different priorities, then maybe it's time to consider the single life?

I just don't understand why people stay in dysfunctional relationships as if they're preferable to just not having a relationship. If all a relationship is is extra bullshit, then get out.

I actually think that this is doubly true if you have children. I know a lot of guys who were in my situation, but DIDN'T have that priority to share. They wanted to be good dads, but their baby mama's first priority was something like her drug addiction. At that point, because you don't have the same priority, the best thing really is to break up and try to sue for custody. It'll be a long fight and you'll ALWAYS have to deal with your ex, but you and your kids will be better off in the long run. You can swap the genders on that, of course, and have an easier custody battle. Judges very rarely give a fuck about dads except to make sure they're paying their child support.

 

[Libsam]

A ruined orgasm would be so much better.

I'd love to hear the reasoning behind this.
_______

My advice was establishing a baseline. If her man turns down the blow job, then I'd suggest she tell him that she is going to find a man to suck'n'fuck.

 

[Saint Peter]

No Nut November?

 

[Scareltt]

Sure..

I'd love to hear the reasoning behind this.
_______

My advice was establishing a baseline. If her man turns down the blow job, then I'd suggest she tell him that she is going to find a man to suck'n'fuck.

Sorry I should have elaborated. We have a house full with Thanksgiving coming up. That lends me to not being as detailed..

The ruined orgasm, allows you to give some attention and also the prospect of full orgasm for your partner, that is until you ruin it. If you’re going to edge why not take it a step further.

 

[CandiCame]

No Nut November?

I totally thought that was a play on words on No shave November.
That can't be a real thing.
Why would you do that to yourself?