Open Letter to Doms Looking for Subs

[dr_mabeuse]

After reading some of the horror stories related here by subs who've been contacted by ill-informed, ignorant, and just plain scary Doms, it's apparent that a huge number of these wannabe's have no idea what the lifestyle's all about. While it's probably hopeless to try and explain things to these people, I thought I would have a go at explaining a few basic facts.

(1) A sub is not going to hook up with someone because that person tries to intimidate or threaten them. The key to a D/s relationship is love and trust and if you have no idea what that means, then go learn.

(2) Your super-Dom posturings are ludicrous. Real Doms don't have to strut and beat their chests, and it's a law of nature that one's penis size in inversely proportional to one's macho posturing.

(3) Flash: subs are human beings first, foremost, and always. They need to be approached with respect and love. Even in a 24/7 eat-out-of-a-dog's-bowl relationship, the sub must know that these feelings exist.

(4) Flash number 2: When you contact a sub, try acting like a human being first, and then explore the D/s side. You can always get more Dom; you won't get a chance to show your human side if you've scared her off first.

It's good that we can laugh at some of their fumbling attempts to show us how bad they are, but the fact is these people damage us all. This kind of person scares off people who are just beginning to explore BDSM, confirming their worst fears that it's a world of misogynistic psychopaths, and they give all of us who are into it a bad name and reputaion.

---dr.M.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Interesting information. And well said.

Speaking for myself, I have had no horrific experiences with any Doms, although I admit to knowing only a limited number of them. LOL

 

[Ebonyfire]

Nice post, Dr. M

Also, do not forget Dom/me or sub, you do not check your brain at the door.

If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck.. it's a duck, ya'll.

Use you common sense folks when dealing with new people on or offline. Your instincts are probably very good.

Ebony

 

[Fierce]

Re: Nice post, Dr. M

If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck.. it's a duck, ya'll.

Good point Ebony. Even if it turns out to be a goose, it's close enough to run.

The people that Dr. Mabeuse speaks of is what has kept me lurking for so long, before registering/posting.

 

[lark sparrow]

This has some very valid points - good open letter.

The one thing I thought of is that there as many "submissives" out there that play the same way as these "Dominants", and in this sense there are some matches made in heaven to be found. With lots of role playing and masturbation, then hitting the wall and moving on to the next for another round.

We all have to learn the difference, and honestly know what we are looking for and who we are. Submission is not for the weak, brainless, impatient or those easily caught up in being slaves to their own fantasies. Nearly everyone has to go through these "growing experiences" to figure it out. D/s is never a reason to leave your brain at the door, or wear your heart on your sleeve, if you're seeking something real.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

A Note on Dommes

I intentionally omitted Dommes from my original post because, as far as I know, this problem is limited to males. I've never heard of a Domme emailing a sub and saying "Your ass is mine."

But I stand ready to be corrected. Even by subs.

---dr.M.

 

[lovetoread]

lol, heh been reading my emails?

Very well written.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I've been hearing about these pervy "false doms" for as long as I have been hanging around the periphery of the internet perv-0-verse. Everyone is always talking about how "scary", horny, pervy and desperate they are. Always willing to promise anything, or to strike any macho posture, in exchange for a blowjob, or maybe the chance to beat an ass.

I am reminded of something someone said on a weblog I follow....."I prefer the fucked-up type dominants to the "I've-got-it-all-under-control" dominants..."

Speaking as a pervert interested in perverts, I am mainly interested in the doings of horney desperados. Those of the false dom stripe and also those of the "Let every word I type be a black arrow through the heart of false domination" stripe.

rosco

 

[Ricckk]

After reading some of the horror stories related here by subs who've been contacted by ill-informed, ignorant, and just plain scary Doms, it's apparent that a huge number of these wannabe's have no idea what the lifestyle's all about. While it's probably hopeless to try and explain things to these people, I thought I would have a go at explaining a few basic facts.

Everything you said makes sense. It is the way many of us dominants conduct ourselves and the way we interact with each other, with submissives and with vanillas.

However, as Rosco & lark sparrows have said, many subs are attacted to the arrogant geeks who call themself "Master". It seems to me that these are not lasting relationships, but for many it is what they seek, healthy or not. D/s & BDSM comes in many flavors, not just the ones we personally respect or identify with.

The term Mistress, to me, has a different connotation, but males don't have a monopoly on arrogance or poor taste.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: A Note on Dommes

I intentionally omitted Dommes from my original post because, as far as I know, this problem is limited to males. I've never heard of a Domme emailing a sub and saying "Your ass is mine."

But I stand ready to be corrected. Even by subs.

---dr.M.

Well, I do not like strange subs calling me Mistress. I correct them early about that honorific shit.

And near as I can tell only online Dom/mes are interested in all that formal crap from strangers. I only require common good manners and courtesy.

I do not chat with subs who cannot articulate their needs. I want to hear what they want and crave straight from the horse's mouth.

Eb

 

[lark sparrow]

Re: A Note on Dommes

I intentionally omitted Dommes from my original post because, as far as I know, this problem is limited to males. I've never heard of a Domme emailing a sub and saying "Your ass is mine."

But I stand ready to be corrected. Even by subs.

---dr.M.

lol... I can tell you that there are quite a few "Dommes" online who turn out to have a penis, and I'm not talking about a strap-on. The lesbian/bi faction online is smaller and therefore some males find it easier (less competition) to get a cyber piece from a woman looking for another woman, and sometimes get very wrapped up in this identity. I have even seen sad relationships conducted without voice or r/l meetings for up to a year before the fasade crumbles. The irony is when the pretending male "bi fem sub" meets up with the pretending male "lesbian Domme".

 

[WriterDom]

I think it cuts both ways. There are just as many subs who are scared away by the human side as there scary Doms who don't have one. In the online world at least. Perhaps they find each other.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: A Note on Dommes

I have even seen sad relationships conducted without voice or r/l meetings for up to a year before the fasade crumbles. The irony is when the pretending male "bi fem sub" meets up with the pretending male "lesbian Domme".

See that is why I make it plain that I am interested in skin-to-skin, and that I will only chat so long. After a certain about of time, I cut off communication with a potential sub who I believe is a fake. I define who is fake. Fake is any potential sub who does not do what I require. They may be well intentioned, but they will be well intentioned with someone else.

Eb

 

[lark sparrow]

Re: Re: Re: A Note on Dommes

See that is why I make it plain that I am interested in skin-to-skin, and that I will only chat so long. After a certain about of time, I cut off communication with a potential sub who I believe is a fake. I define who is fake. Fake is any potential sub who does not do what I require. They may be well intentioned, but they will be well intentioned with someone else.

Eb

I agree... if you happen to meet online, or are looking online, after time and desire to explore a relationship has been established, speaking on the telephone (or through voice chat even earlier) is a must for me. Typing to, as opposed to speaking with, can be radically different when getting to know somone well. If you can't trust them with your phone number, you might want to reconsider getting deeply involved with them online.

 

[Richard49]

My bad experences have been with submissives
To many
to damaging

 

[bunny bondage]

yeah, part of me feels like apologizing to all those who have encountered these pseudo-bdsm'ers and recieved the impression that we're all that way. i mean, just look around! almost all of us are normal well adjusted people with brains and hearts and just want a really loving fufilling relationship that happens to involve bondage, pain, and tears!

 

[Artina Heartflash]

Bunny wrote:
yeah, part of me feels like apologizing to all those who have encountered these pseudo-bdsm'ers and recieved the impression that we're all that way. i mean, just look around! almost all of us are normal well adjusted people with brains and hearts and just want a really loving fufilling relationship that happens to involve bondage, pain, and tears!

I guess that just put me in the category of a velcro sub, because I am interested in bondage and certain activites of the BDSM kind, but I am NOT desirous of PAIN!!! No electro-shock or porcupine quill boobs on me!! Heck, I can't even suffer static cling without muttering a curse. LOL!!! I am very much attracted to the power exchange though. (I can ride the pendulum both directions, preferring to be sub currently, but have been an aggressive bitch as well.)
AH

 

[thejamesuk]

it is extremely funny how most subs find bad experiences with so called Dom/mes! My own experience is definitely the other way around, although that is not surprising as I am a Male Dom!!

You are never really sure on-line until you have had voice and cam contact, but Ebony is right, the only true test is skin to skin!

Enjoy, be safe... and naughty

James

 

[bunny bondage]

I guess that just put me in the category of a velcro sub, because I am interested in bondage and certain activites of the BDSM kind, but I am NOT desirous of PAIN!!! No electro-shock or porcupine quill boobs on me!! Heck, I can't even suffer static cling without muttering a curse. LOL!!! I am very much attracted to the power exchange though. (I can ride the pendulum both directions, preferring to be sub currently, but have been an aggressive bitch as well.)
AH

ok, ok, i was over-generalizing. i know that every sub is different and we all want various things. sorry! hope i haven't offended anyone! ^_^

 

[WriterDom]

I guess that just put me in the category of a velcro sub, because I am interested in bondage and certain activites of the BDSM kind, but I am NOT desirous of PAIN!!! No electro-shock or porcupine quill boobs on me!! Heck, I can't even suffer static cling without muttering a curse. LOL!!! I am very much attracted to the power exchange though. (I can ride the pendulum both directions, preferring to be sub currently, but have been an aggressive bitch as well.)
AH

I think certain good "pains" can be acquired tastes.

 

[lovetoread]

I think certain good "pains" can be acquired tastes.

Only if you are open to it.

I think if you are convinced you cant/wont do it, nothing would make you like it.

 

[Caitlynne]

I think certain good "pains" can be acquired tastes.

As with everything it is a matter of willingness ..... with a willingness to experience and grow.. anything can be accomplished.

~ Cait

 

[bunny bondage]

personally, i find that my limits are always changing and expanding. these days i find myself doing things i would NEVER have done before i met Him. and it's not that i do it against my will or with distaste, i really want to push myself to please him and actually enjoy things that i previously thought of as something beyond my realm of "ok".

 

[Artina Heartflash]

Pain

WD wrote:
I think certain good "pains" can be acquired tastes.

I haven't had enough BDSM experience to "aquire" tastes for most pain. I have no will for the damaging kind EVER.
But I AM experimental. (That's how I learned where some of my "no fly" zones are.) I just prefer other kinds of stimulation instead of pain. I suffer enough of that in my back and joints just getting out of bed in the morning. <tired laugh > Why add to it? Yeh I know there's are "good" stings, burns, etc. But in those cases it's still the mental impact of the message that feels good to me moreso than the endorphine rush.

AH

 

[Artina Heartflash]

oh...mental impact

I wrote:
it's still the mental impact of the message that feels good moreso than the endorphine rush.

I meant the message that's being delivered during the act (that is instilling the "pain") is more powerful than the physical sensation.

Duh. Excuse me. It's early in the morning...
AH