Oooohhh Please Take a Peep! ^_^

[DreamGrrl]

I know its a shameless plug.. But my first submission was just put up.

Since I intend to make it the first chapter in a series, I would really appreciate it if as many people as possible would read it and give me feedback - and don't be afraid to be brutal, I need it!

LOL

Thanks to anyone who is willing to help me out and give me feedback on this...

^_^

My first submission - Little Treasures Chapter 1

Thank you!

~Mai

 

[jon.hayworth]

Hi DreamGrrl,

I read your story, I thought overall it was quite a good account with a starting point, a build-up, and a conclusion.

Most importantly you had obviously taken the time to check for glaring spelling errors and typo's - something I always appreciate.

I will not comment on punctuation, as my own punctuation has a tendency to be somewhat eccentric.

Now to the problem areas.

The major problem was constant shifts of time frame between past tense - where you started to present tense and back to past and so on.

Near to the end you also shifted the POV from third person to first person. You did not fully explore the possibilities of the third person narrator. You concentrated upon telling her experiences in the third person. Whereas the third person narrator is like a god - all knowing, able to tell what the protagonists know and even what they do not know.

Some of your similies gave me problems, but then I also experience similar problems when I am writing.
eg you wrote. "but she still felt her heart hammering and tripping in her chest like some wild thing."
I think you should have started a new sentence and written something like this. "Like a trip-hammer her heart pounded against her ribs."

There were other things like "hearing the movement of near silent air."

You know what you mean to convey, but ask yourself will others, sometimes less is best.

I look forward to the next chapter.

jon.

if I could apply all I know to my work I'd be a genius.

 

[DreamGrrl]

^_^

Thanks jon -

Both for being brutally honest, and for taking the time to read the story and get back to me.

Since I intend for this to turn into a fairly major series, I really appreciate getting the advice now, while I still have time to improve each piece thats forthcoming.

Again, thank you for that - and I will definately take not of your advice!

^_^

~Mai

 

[DreamGrrl]

Ssshhh! ^_^

I know I shouldn't say anything, but I just can't help myself!!


Admittedly, I want to act all suave and nonchalant about my first submission being up - but pardon me I'm young and I really am very, very excited and enjoying the whole experience of seeing my work on Literotica - not to mention seeing people ENJOYING it!



*Bends over to whisper a little secret*

After not even two days my story made the BDSM tops list!


WOW!

Ok, I'm going to stop petting my own *cough* ego here and maybe run away from computers for a few weeks...

LOL!

~Mai


PS - Thanks to everyone who read, let alone made the previous possible... *Huggles n smooches to all the wonderful people of Literotica*

 

[superlittlegirl]

gently, gently.....

I had to take a deep breath before beginning to write this. OK, here goes.

I didn't read past the first paragraph because the tense changes were too glaring. I did skim down 5 or 6 paragraphs to see if the problem would fix itself, and because it didn't, I hit the back button. However, I would love to see it once you get the tense issue worked out.

Please forgive me for being blunt.

Best regards,
Freya

 

[DreamGrrl]

Errmm...

Thank you for the feedback Freya...

I do have to ask, however, what tense changes?

As far as jon's concern with moving from third person to first POV etc... I don't see that happening. The tale is told entirely from the slaves point of view - and any well-trained slave relates to themselves in third person.

A first person third POV .. make sense?

Does that explain the problems you had with the tenses maybe, Freya?

Sorry, its really, really late, and I'm posting half-coherent. Forgive me if I'm just being stupid lol...

 

[superlittlegirl]

hope this helps

I think you may be confusing tense and person. Your first paragraph remains consistently in third person, but the language tags for tense are erratic.

Tense has to do with time, as in past, present, and future tense.
Examples:
I licked her pussy until she begged for mercy. (past)
I lick her pussy as if my life depends on it. (present)
I will lick her pussy again next Thursday. (future)
The above examples are all in first person, but in different tenses.

Person has to do with narrative voice, as in first, second and third person. Examples:
I truly love to lick pussy. (first person)
You love to lick pussy even more. (second person)
She loves to lick pussy more than anything in the world. (third person)
The above examples are all in present tense, but different person.

Then, to add more complexity, there is passive voice versus active voice. If any of the more experienced lit authors want to help me unravel this, I welcome the assistance, but I'll try to explain. Passive voice 'tells' what a character is doing, (rather than showing) and it can sound a lot like past tense even if you are writing in the present. A good way to spot passive voice is to look for 'ing' and 'ed' within your present tense writing. Active voice is what you use to 'show' rather than 'tell'. Active voice is generally considered more desirable.

Now, here's all that stuff applied to your piece. (I snipped from your story)

<snip>
In the echoing silence of the darkness around her, she could hear the soft, rhythmic pulsing of bass from the living room. Her own breath seemed to be caught in the low, throbbing sounds, turning her staccatoed and choppy breathing into slow, even heaves of her chest.
</snip>

It's really hard to tell what tense this is in. I re-read it four times before I realized it was in passive voice, not past tense. Passive voice can really confuse your reader. It's kind of awkward to use past tense words to describe the present.

How 'bout a rewrite? OK--

Through the darkness, she hears the soft rhythmic pulse of bass from the living room. Her breath catches in the low throbbing sounds. Staccatto choppy breaths become slow, even heaves of her chest.

The next sentences launch into active voice, present tense. They work very well-- they are more concrete, more evocative, and not at all confusing.

<snip>
The darkness is absolute - she can sense it both beneath the blindfold and lying heavy across her skin in the room. Its ominous pressure causes her body to stiffen and to strain unconsciously.
</snip>

Then you go back to passive voice-- notice the nefarious partnership of 'ing' and 'ed'? grasping...feeling...stretched...pulled..... It gives the false impression of being past tense.

<snip>
Her hands tug at the broad leather cuffs that have drawn her arms high over her head, her toes grasping at the nap of the carpet as her calves stretch faintly, the arches in her feet feeling stretched and pulled by the merest breath.
</snip>

Here's the rewrite--

Arms high overhead, she tugs at the broad leather cuffs that hold her there. Her toes grasp at the carpet, her calves stretch faintly, and the arches of her feet stretch and pull with the merest breath.

I'm definitely not writing great sentences here, but the small changes are enough to give the piece uniformity. I apologize for initially (and incorrectly) saying it was a problem with tense when it was actually a problem with voice. I didn't even realize it myself until I worked through this reply-- I just knew something wasn't right. I don't know if you are in the habit of reading out loud, but that can really be a great help in spotting inconsistencies in the way your work reads. Better yet, read into a tape recorder and get your editing pen ready to mark through the playback. If something "just doesn't sound right" you'll be more likely to catch it when you read it aloud.

And now I have to apologize for the chaotic nature of this reply. It's 5:55 am here, and I think fatigue is affecting my brain. If I really fucked up this explanation, and if it's blatantly wrong, I implore some responsible person to drag me out back and beat me soundly. I tried....

--Freya

 

[DreamGrrl]

Ah!

Freya!

THANK YOU for clarifying that!

My sincerest apologies for making an inane response last night, but like you it was WAAAY past my bedtime!

However -

Thank you for clarifying the problems you found with that piece. Its hard to write as a 'slave' in a long piece like that because slaves speak in passive voice.

HOWEVER.

Since that is only the first piece out of what I hope to make a long, climbing series of, I will most DEFINATELY watch my next piece for that same tendency.

Its obvious you're quite the technical english junkie here... LOL Do you mind maybe helping me edit/proofread my next piece? I will be certain to give you credit - and you can help me alter what is apparently far more abysmal an effort on my part then I first thought.

LOL

Thanks again Freya - you're honesty and bluntness (without telling me I suck horribly) makes me extremely grateful.

*Huggles*

~Mai

 

[superlittlegirl]

*grin*

Sure, I'll have a look. Thanks for taking that so well....

--Freya