Onomatopoeia

[wishfulthinking]

Lauren, really loved it! Definitely not redundant. Sort of (but sort of not) reminds me of that matrix scene where they are all dancing, and the drum beats, and the whole place is going off.

 

[MathGirl]

Re: Never have yet

I just cannot imagine being able to write in kapow's and thwack's with a straight face. Fuck it I'd be doing the, Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Yesssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thing next.

Dear Pop,
Are you making fun of my literary style?
Harumph,
MG

 

[shereads]

One of the first NO< NO's I learned about writing fiction is to never be redundent.

Then why two "NO"s?

 

[dr_mabeuse]

From my ongoing story:

***

Dozens, hundreds of entangled, lithe bodies, dancing, tormenting, slithering all around him, undulating, as perfectly synchronized as if it were a single sexual entity trapped between two gigantic mirrors, multiplied to infinity, an ocean of carnal pleasure overloading his senses, slow- but steadily submerging, drowning, trapping him inside a vortex of lust, until all he could hear was the beat of his own heart, faster and faster, louder. Louder. Thump. Thump. Thump.

***

Witness the fitness, the cruffiton liveth...

He turned around, still holding both drinks, and immediately saw a young model-type black-haired woman flashing an intense smile at him. High on adrenaline, he scurried over to her, right through the middle of the dancing throng.

Witness the fitness--

Wham! Out of nowhere, a rogue elbow slammed against his chest, projecting his body backwards through the air.

I like the "Thump. Thump. Thump." It's a perfect climax to that crescendo of prose; very musical, very rhythmic.

The "Wham" is fine too, but I'd italicize it. Not sure why. Maybe because it's exterior to him and it's less of an acceptable word than "thump". I usually italicize my external sound effects.

I really like your style. I'm a little uneasy by the use of "tormenting" as an intransitive verb in that first paragraph though. Wouldn't "tormented" be better?

---dr.M.

 

[pop_54]

Re: Re: Never have yet

Dear Pop,
Are you making fun of my literary style?
Harumph,
MG

Dear MG, sorry dear

 

[shereads]

The great thing about SMACKS and WHACKS is that some of you lovely writers use them to establish and sustain the rhythm of a scene.

You can't do that with a description of the sound.

 

[MR. Gibson]

actually using words like "Kapow!' and "BAM!" and "POW!" in a story is not too bad depending on the story. like if I was writing a super-hero story here it would fit perfectly huh? Sometimes I use the word "Boing!' to describe a cock jumping up like a spring. like when a man see's a hot looking lady walk into a room. this sort of thing though happens to me in real life too, not just literature!




MR. Gibson' erotic tales! turn me on here!

 

[McKenna]

.

 

[MR. Gibson]

yes, your right mckenna, me using the word "BOING!" is just like using the word "SCHWING!" in a story. And your right using these words are appropriate if they fit what is happenning in the story. I like using both words from time to time. I am one horny


my sexy tales! turm me on here!

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Lauren, I love this! I don't think many people have a good enough grasp of the language to pull it off, but you sure do. Your use of onomatopoeic words enhances the whole thing, it really helps to paint a picture of the scene and adds to the intensity of it. That 'Wham!' works very well just as it is. The first paragraph is amazing and I became quite breathless reading it. Your skills at poetry really show through in that, I'd love to read the whole piece.

Lou

I agree with Tatelou Lauren...those paragraphs work really well with the onomatopoeia in them

Lauren

Having added to my education by looking up 'onomatopoeic', (I knew I was here on some greater calling), I can only concur with the views posted above.

Now get the thing finished as we call all enjoy more of your wordcraft. I am sooo envious, my Portuguese will never be as good as your English, even if I had been born Portuguese.

Will's

Okay, I wasn't gonna bother, but as this seems important to you I'll try to explain. One of the first NO< NO's I learned about writing fiction is to never be redundent. Saying the same thing twice only differently is taking up wasted space. So what you have to ask yourself in this case is: "Am I being redundent?" Does adding "Thump, Thump, Thump!" add to what you have said, or doesn't it? Am I just being redundent to focus the reader's attention on something specific just so that they get what I mean? In the Judy Garland song: "Thump, thump, thump, went my heart beat. Ring, ring, ring went the bell." There is no redundancy. The writer is using the sound worlds with a modifier following to explain what went Thump, and what rang. So they weren't repeating themselves except that this is the chorus of the song, and sung over and over in it as was the norm then, and now in songs with a chorus. But you are not writing a chorus here, and so you as the author have to determine whether you are A.) being redundant, or B.) Emphasizing a moment to make it stand out. And if you answer is B, then you better have a hell of a damn good reason for doing so.

As Always
I Am the
Dirt Man

Lauren, really loved it! Definitely not redundant. Sort of (but sort of not) reminds me of that matrix scene where they are all dancing, and the drum beats, and the whole place is going off.

I like the "Thump. Thump. Thump." It's a perfect climax to that crescendo of prose; very musical, very rhythmic.

The "Wham" is fine too, but I'd italicize it. Not sure why. Maybe because it's exterior to him and it's less of an acceptable word than "thump". I usually italicize my external sound effects.

I really like your style. I'm a little uneasy by the use of "tormenting" as an intransitive verb in that first paragraph though. Wouldn't "tormented" be better?

---dr.M.

Thanks a bunch, you guys. I'll take all your comments into account.

D-Man
If I ever learned anything is that the one absolute truth about writing fiction is there are no NO-NO's. The minute you mention one, someone will come up with ten examples of how it can be done well.

I know what you're trying to say, though. Thanks. They serve a purpose.

dr.M.
Thanks for the heads up. I figure I still have some two thousand words before this baby's done, and also a bit of rewriting.

 

[The_Fool]

I figure I still have some two thousand words before this baby's done, and also a bit of rewriting.

Dammit! Get Busy... Crack! Next lash is on your heinie....

I am such a turd....

Foolish

 

[Black Tulip]

And while I'm on the topic, has anyone ever looked at any foreign erotic comic art and noticed the kinds of sounds they use? I've seen some great stuff. In Manga, I've seen wild sex described with sounds like "sloosha! sloosha!" while in a Dutch strip by the artist Noe I've seen "flubba flubba" for the sounds bodies make striking against each other.

It's weird to think that, in the Maga at least, someone had to translate the sounds from the orginal Japanese. How do you do that with a non-phonetic language like Japanese?

---dr.M.

dr. M,

I agree with you about the Manga's, they have some terrific sounds. Makes me laugh a lot.
The rest is already said by others.

I have to comment on the "flubba flubba" though.
That is definitely not Dutch. The only word that comes to mind is somethig like "flubber". That would describe the sound the skin of your belly moving about would make after having carried triplets and loosing about 40 kg of fat. Yuk!

Oops, seems I do use onomatopeia after all.

 

[McKenna]

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