Online Romance - Would like your opinion

[Georgexnxx]

Here it is...

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=471756

Greg is living a ho hum existance when he meets the love of his life online, and it isn't necessarily whom he'd expected it to be.

It definately fits into the "Short" story catagory... and should add that it is under Romantic Couplings.

Let me know what you think Please...

 

[elfin_odalisque]

George, hi,

I think you summed it up with your 'ho hum existence'.

You have far too much unnecessary detail about movements, beers and cars and things that you don't concentrate on telling the story of the growing relationship between two scared warriors that wore their battle scars.

I don't think there's any etiquette yet for how to write chat as story, but personally I think I'd use dialogue whilst making clear it's messaging.

You need this because you don't build enough emotion to make sense of the beach house explosion into unbridled passion.

It's a neat story but I kept getting frustrated that you told me events rather than letting me in to the one-on-one relationship.

An erotic story should have a bit more of a positive take to get us wanting the relationship to work.

 

[Georgexnxx]

Thank you Elfin.. I appreciate your taking time to read it, and your feedback is wonderful...

Thanks again.

 

[Georgexnxx]

I hope everybody's not done... I'd hoped for a few opinions..

Any more ??

Thanks

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I hope everybody's not done... I'd hoped for a few opinions..

Any more ??

Thanks

Well, if no-one else is joining the party, can I have a comment about Pre Race Prep.

I really liked it. With the flame wars in the Loving Wives cat, we don't get many real loving wives stories and yours is certainly one.

Again, I think you pacing was a bit off. You spend a lot of time on the build-up and then rather rush the action. Fancy, a girl complaining there is too much foreplay!

Seriously, you lead nicely into the scene but I thought you could/should have developed the emotions more with dialogue - husband's surprise, wife's nervous excitement etc - and a bit more of the senses.

If they have been passing strangers recently with kids and tiredness, couldn't they be amazed at the flagrant coupling in the garage, entranced by the aroma of excitement that their bedroom hadn't had since the arrival of children, refinding their physical passion with sensations flowing through their bodies.

The storyline is good. You suggest she is going to find a lover then pull back to the married couple. Great, but you have built yourself up to a nirvana but don't quite let them experience it.

Don't thank me. I comment because I think you write well and if my two cents is of any help, you're more than welcome.

 

[Georgexnxx]

BONUS!!! I hadn't sought feedback on Pre Race prep, but it was definately welcome.

You are saying that I'm rushing through the action... I agree, to an extent, but with a story that was meant to be read in a few minutes. I didn't want to bore anyone. -->Now that's what I was thinking when I wrote it a few years ago.... After a more "eyes open re-read" I can see your point about the emotions. Perhaps I didn't take "His" point of view enough either.

Great Feedback and (even though you told me not to) Thanks for taking the time to do it...

 

[elfin_odalisque]

BONUS!!! I hadn't sought feedback on Pre Race prep, but it was definately welcome.

You are saying that I'm rushing through the action... I agree, to an extent, but with a story that was meant to be read in a few minutes. I didn't want to bore anyone. -->Now that's what I was thinking when I wrote it a few years ago.... After a more "eyes open re-read" I can see your point about the emotions. Perhaps I didn't take "His" point of view enough either.

Great Feedback and (even though you told me not to) Thanks for taking the time to do it...

Forget about boring people and think about your story. You've got a loving couple who've gone off the boil because of kids and everything, then she blows a fuse and says she wants more.

The build-up, the interreaction between the two, nervousness, hibernating passion, the previous inability to put thoughts into action explodes.

You don't necessarily need graphic sex but I think you should develop what's happening in their heads to explain your conclusion.

Hope the 'bump' helps.

 

[driphoney]

Okay. I took a look. Because I should be studying, but ain't.

Elfin pretty much summed it up, and probably better than I ever could. I'm just a hack, so most of my commentary comes from the stand-point of a reader rather than writer.

Most of the detail in the first five or so paragraphs could probably be trimmed down or that same info could be sprinkled throughout the interaction of the characters. It's a hard balance between moving the story along and keeping the reader engaged in active scenes.

I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out myself!

Good luck.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Drip

Get back to your books.

You summed it up well with the advice that the first 5 paras should be spread more to balance the story.

 

[Mandala40]

I read the opening paragraphs, and skimmed the rest. Your story attracted my interest, but id not hold it because I could not understand why the woman was attracted to your protagonist. After I got into the story I did not want to identify with your main character.

 

[D_K_Moon]

Howdy, I pretty agree with everything that Elle and DripHoney said.

I'm in the camp that says, show me, don't tell me. Have your characters tell the story, not you as the narrator. Why did George's marriage end? It seems like that's a fairly pertinent piece of information.

You got the ho-hum down, but that's part of the problem. You can make a character have a hum drum life, but at the same time make the reader feel something, like him, love him, hate him etc. I firmly believe that I can a story about anyone and make it interesting and just use the facts of that persons life.

I thought the conversation before they met was quite well written, and very believable.

Now this,

Greg made it through security without any problems, and was soon on the plane ready for takeoff. The flight was somewhat bumpy, and he was definitely ready to disembark when it landed.

Who cares? What's the point. Everything you write in a story should have a reason for being there. Try not to weigh the reader down with useless information that really has no bearing on the plot.

You need an editor to help you. There's a lot of typos, grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. Another set of eyes will help immensely. I don't want you to become discouraged. Keep writing and you will improve. And please, come back when you've got something else you would like looked at.