One liners

[Ambrosious]

What are some of the best one liners out there? Some of the funniest comedy is delivered in one liners. Unfortunately, you won't find any in this post, but here goes.

I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.

A flashlight is a case used for holding dead batteries.

I didn't used to finish sentences, but now I

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I intend to live forever. So far so good.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.

The early bird gets the worm but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

DNA: National Dyslexic Association

Never answer an anonymous letter.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to eat lettuce.

We are born wet, naked, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Out of my mind, back in five minutes.

Now it's your turn. Sorry if there are repeats from the bumper sticker thread. Couldn't edit myself on the fly.

 

[Ravenloft]

If you were to shoot a mime would you use a silencer?

 

[KillerMuffin]

I heard this on the radio, one of those morning DJ, sorry, on air personality, blurbs that get repeated through the day so that listeners are tempted to tune in during the AM. I never do, these people have no grasp of the concept of playing music in the morning. Where was I? Oh yeah. It went something like this.

"It was one of those circuses you find off the beaten path, like in a Gibson's parking lot. The ring announcer came out and said, no kidding guys, 'Welcome to BlaBla Circus, the only circus to feature the world's largest midgets! We have giant midgets that are nearly six feet tall! We have the world's only speaking mimes! We have the world's most exotic zebra, the only stripeless zebra in existence!'"

Or something like that.

 

[Guest]

New Proverbs

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

 

[Cheyenne]

In a battle of wits, you're unarmed.

 

[Weird Harold]

I tried to save a whale....

But he wouldn't fit in the ATM.

 

[naudiz]

I live the way I type: fast and with a lot of mistakes.

If I wanted your opinion, I would read it in your entrails.

Video games teach you important things about life; they teach you that life is short, and then you explode.

 

[XXplorher]

Know where you stand

Hi... I'm not wearing pants.
(Reccommend being bare when using........ or not.)

 

[naudiz]

Hi... I'm not wearing pants.

I think I'm going to start answering the phone with that line.

 

[JadedHeart]

Not exactly one lines, but amusing anyway.

Why do men always pay more for car insurance?
Women don't get blow jobs while they're behind the wheel.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without a boner, make him a sandwich!

Why do men fall asleep immediately after sex?
So women can masturbate and finish the job off properly!

If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end... some man would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

Question: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
Answer: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off!

 

[Cheyenne]

Hi... I'm not wearing pants.

I think I'm going to start answering the phone with that line.

I love that idea! Might have to warn my family and friends first though.....

 

[silverfox_66]

Hi... I'm not wearing pants.

I think I'm going to start answering the phone with that line.

I love that idea! Might have to warn my family and friends first though.....

It would sure throw off some of those sweet tele-marketers though! They may be speechless for the first time in their career...

 

[forgetunome]

My contribution...

This guy is so narrow-minded, he only has one eyebrow.

She lost her bikini while swimming at the beach. Several people tried to retrieve it, but it was eaten by a shrimp.

The reason we subject people to roasts is because stoning is illegal.

She's suing the state because on her driver's license, they gave her an "F" in "Sex."

The entire female population seems to be lusting after Brad Pitt, and as a result the tabloids are full of Pitt bull.

I bought some of that "Gingkori" that’s supposed to improve your memory, but I forgot where I put it.

You know you’re getting older when you bend over in the morning to tie your shoes and realize you didn’t take them off the night before.

Make sure your wife is wearing pantyhose before telling her they are wrinkled.

I don't like to do things now that I did 20 years ago–like look in the mirror.

I'm middle-age, middle-class, and middle-of-the-road. I feel like that white stuff in the middle of an Oreo.

I'm suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. I go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

My neighbors have been married for 60 years. They look like identical twins. One of them wears a dress. I don't know which one.

 

[Skibum]

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Parachute for sale: only used once, never opened, small stain.

These premises guarded by armed guard three nights a week. You pick the night.

 

[LustyWench]

Why do we drive on a PARKWAY and park on a DRIVEWAY?

Do you think vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If progress is to move forward then what is Congress?

 

[Latina]

I still miss my ex, but my aim is improving.

Car license-plate frame: "I'm not a brat, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!"

Car bumper sticker: "Keep honking, I'm reloading."

Billboard advertising a locally-popular brand of honey in a jar: "Eat your honey!" (THINK about that one--cracks me up whenever I see it--I think most Literotican LOVE to eat their honey--SLLURRRP!)

-- Latina

 

[FlamingoBlue]

I really like......

Fuck you, and the horse you rode in on.

blue

 

[coach]

"Thats a work of art". If you ever find that ART guy give him a pat on the back.

"The more I drink the smarter I get"

 

[Expertise]

"I've been trying to find my self ... oh look, there I go now"

The best answer i've ever heard when posed the question "so whattya been up to?" by someone you really don't want to talk to.

 

[Gaucho]

You're an asshalf; it takes two of you to make an asshole.

 

[Jeff726]

Take my wife, please.
Free gift.
Atheists: all dressed up with nowhere to go.
24 hours a day service department.

blah


Jeff
daybreak at the bottom of a lake it's 100 degrees i can't breathe.

 

[Nobody Special's wife]

Well I would have to say the oneliner is "DO YOU KNOW YOUR FUCKABLE!!!!

 

[Juliangel]

My cousin had a tee shirt that said "Life's a bitch and then you marry one."

 

[Samuari]

Money doesn’t grow on chickens before they’re hatched.

The early bird gets a job worth doing well.

Two wrongs don’t make a penny earned.

Everything I said goes in one ear and walked a mile in your shoes.

Cows have no concept of aging, and that as much as anything else, is why we eat them.

 

[Miss_E]

My cousin had a tee shirt that said "Life's a bitch and then you marry one."

I have a bumper sticker that says:

Life's a bitch, then it has puppies.

A t-shirt that says:

0 to Full Bitch in 3.2 seconds (I like that one )

Also so a bumper sticker that says:

I'm a try-sexual, I'll try anything once!

and

The only safe sex is in the palm of your hand.

E