once burned....

[myinnerslut]

as many of you know, i was in a D/s relationship (at least we'll call it this to avoid getting into the abusive intricacies) for many years with somebody who we will refer to as A. after three years of systematic abuses, both physical and emotional, and often under the guise of BDSM, this ended. i left him for the man who is now my Master.

the problems that arose from the severing of the old relationship were many, mostly dealing with abusive residue. after seeing a therapist i was diagnosed as suffering from PTSD. ive had flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, and have been left with lingering issues, both conscious and subconscious.

i am currently a slave in a 24/7 M/s relationship, and happier then i have ever been. my problem is, issues from the abusive relationship with A keep popping up.

Master deserves all of my trust, all of me, and i want to be able to give it to him.and almost always, i feel like i do, without doubt. every once in a while i get cuaght up in a flashback moment. i am still recovering from the past relationship, and my doctor has said this recovery process will take multiple years. Master and i have both accepted that i am in recovery mode, but i feel like its been four months already, i want to be healed.(i know thats silly but i cant help but feel this is taking forever)

is there anybody else who went from a "bad" PYL to a "good" one? did you have any issues trusting the new PYL after experiencing abuse or mistreatment at the hands of the old one. i know there are some who have recovered from abusive relationships and marriages. is there anything you did to make recovering from the abusive easier?

i cant be the only one who has gone through this, and if there is anybody that has any tips, tools, techniques, or suggestions on dealing with the lingering trust issues and flashbacks left from PTSD, please share them.

thank you

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think it differs from person to person but the most successful way I have known for being able to step away from the past abuse is to develop a healthy trust in yourself, prove to yourself that you are able to survive and direct your own life, work on the basis of the problems, and establish a strong sense of self. It isn't easy, but it frees you from feeling fearful and unable to trust, and in turn frees you to trust another. The reasoning behind it basically is that if you know you are capable of trusting yourself, being independent and surviving, you do not fall into fearing what will happen if you are alone, are caught in another bad situation, and in turn gives you something to offer without attached conditions.

It is complicated to put into words, especially with my head the way it is at the moment, but I know my own life was often controlled by fear until I began to work on me and making sure I knew I could trust and rely on me to cope no matter what. Though it is nice to have a supportive partner and/or friends and family, they can only do so much, the rest has to rest with the person recovering...sort of like many say in that if a person is unhappy with themselves, they cannot find guaranteed happiness through another...with happiness and trust both, if it is reliant totally on another providing what is needed, at some point it is likely to falter and send everything back to square one, especially if for some reason that person is no longer able to provide as before. It isn't a quick fix, as your therapist has already told you, but it is worth the time and effort to get there and then be able to hand over that trust to another if you so choose.

Catalina

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

I think it differs from person to person but the most successful way I have known for being able to step away from the past abuse is to develop a healthy trust in yourself, prove to yourself that you are able to survive and direct your own life, work on the basis of the problems, and establish a strong sense of self. It isn't easy, but it frees you from feeling fearful and unable to trust, and in turn frees you to trust another. The reasoning behind it basically is that if you know you are capable of trusting yourself, being independent and surviving, you do not fall into fearing what will happen if you are alone, are caught in another bad situation, and in turn gives you something to offer without attached conditions.


Catalina

I agree.

You need to love yourself and be happy with who you are, before you can love and be happy with someone else. As corny as it may sound, its true.

I've learned that myself over the past few months. Of course it's not easy but over time and with patience you will succeed.

The fear of abandonment and the trust issues need to be worked on from the inside out. If you can somehow learn over time that you can survive anywhere or any adversity and trust in yourself you can do it, then it makes trusting others that much easier.

 

[myinnerslut]

the issues that most concern me now are the flashbacks and the subconscious reactions i have. i hope it didnt come off as if i lacked trust for Master. i trust him with every part of me. it is the subconscious that causes me issues, the dreams, the fear of abandonment.

i am hoping that people who lived through something similiar will be able to voice a few suggestions on healing.

 

[catalina_francisco]

MIS, the subconscious is usually more damaging and difficult to deal with than the conscious simply because it does bubble away beneath the surface and emerge at the most unexpected and often inappropriate times, and resist control for the longest time. One of the biggest steps in the process is being able to acknowledge that it is real, not feel guilty for it, and not feel you need to apologise or make excuses for and/or to yourself or anyone else. Getting past issues is difficult enough, being able to do it without any pressure can make it easier and more successful long term. Sometimes it can remain there to a degree forever no matter how hard you try...it takes time and patience.

Catalina

 

[Homburg]

I want to make one thing very clear.

I do not feel like MIS in any way mistrusts me, nor have I felt limited insofar as trust is concerned.

She trusts me implicitly, and has gone so incredibly far past her previous limits that the phrase "trust issue" is, prima faciae, virtually irrelevant. She trusts me to do things to her that A was never even remotely allowed to go near, so I do not feel like she has trust issues with me.

The problem lies in the PTSD type of symptoms, the flashbacks, panic attacks, and nightmares, all of which generally happen when she is not around me. It is her trust itself that is damaged, as the person she should have been able to trust most was the one that she should have trusted least. Oddly enough, her therapist said almost the same words to her, in that the person she should have trusted most was the source of the most danger in her life.

 

[nh23]

*hugs* I don't really have an good advice that I can offer. I've suffered from chronic nightmares since I was a child. I also have flashbacks on occasion. I've not talked to a professional about them since I was first diagnosed. Long story and a bunch of bullshit. I just do what I have to do to get through the day. And I know saying that isn't very helpful at all. I have two beautiful children who take up a lot of my time, and I have Master here with me 24/7, so I stay pretty busy. That tends to take my mind off things I don't want to think about.

I have pretty much figured out what triggers the flashbacks. I found out most of these triggers in previous relationships and was able to tell Master what is best to avoid. Age play is a huge one for me. I can't do it. Master tried it once and it ended up with me curled in a ball on the bed in hysterical tears. It took him forever to calm me down.

Master does some light hypnosis and relaxation techniques with me at times and that helps a lot. He did one for me once where I took all the memories that were hurting me and separated them, then put them in red boxes in my head. Basically separating the bad memories so that I could enjoy the good. I probably didn't explain that well at all..LOL. But it has helped some.

Other than that chickie I can't offer much..except that I know how you feel. My PTSD wasn't caused by a previous PYL, but from three years of my childhood that I'd love to forget, but I would imagine the way we feel at times is similar. I hope things get better for you!

 

[Kajira Callista]

the issues that most concern me now are the flashbacks and the subconscious reactions i have. i hope it didn't come off as if i lacked trust for Master. i trust him with every part of me. it is the subconscious that causes me issues, the dreams, the fear of abandonment.

i am hoping that people who lived through something similar will be able to voice a few suggestions on healing.

PTSD symptoms never go away. The panic attacks etc unfortunately will be a part of your life forever. Maybe not a major part, but always there.
Flashbacks panic attacks and nightmares are your body's way of warning or protecting you when something is or can go wrong. I know from personal experience that when I am in a situation in any way similar to the one that caused me PTSD, no matter how hard I have tried to avoid it i have these issues. I have found for myself, understanding and accepting the reactions can lessen the severity and make my life much easier.

 

[intothewoods]

as many of you know, i was in a D/s relationship (at least we'll call it this to avoid getting into the abusive intricacies) for many years with somebody who we will refer to as A. after three years of systematic abuses, both physical and emotional, and often under the guise of BDSM, this ended. i left him for the man who is now my Master.

the problems that arose from the severing of the old relationship were many, mostly dealing with abusive residue. after seeing a therapist i was diagnosed as suffering from PTSD. ive had flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, and have been left with lingering issues, both conscious and subconscious.

i am currently a slave in a 24/7 M/s relationship, and happier then i have ever been. my problem is, issues from the abusive relationship with A keep popping up.

Master deserves all of my trust, all of me, and i want to be able to give it to him.and almost always, i feel like i do, without doubt. every once in a while i get cuaght up in a flashback moment. i am still recovering from the past relationship, and my doctor has said this recovery process will take multiple years. Master and i have both accepted that i am in recovery mode, but i feel like its been four months already, i want to be healed.(i know thats silly but i cant help but feel this is taking forever)

is there anybody else who went from a "bad" PYL to a "good" one? did you have any issues trusting the new PYL after experiencing abuse or mistreatment at the hands of the old one. i know there are some who have recovered from abusive relationships and marriages. is there anything you did to make recovering from the abusive easier?

i cant be the only one who has gone through this, and if there is anybody that has any tips, tools, techniques, or suggestions on dealing with the lingering trust issues and flashbacks left from PTSD, please share them.

thank you

What does your current therapist say about this? There are many techniques for addressing PTSD, panic attacks, anxiety, etc. I have used a combination of cognitive therapy and medication to address anxiety with a lot of success. I also use yoga, knitting and a number of other things to manage my anxiety. Of course, anxiety is very different from PTSD and I'm not pretending to understand PTSD, but my advice would be to follow the advice and treatment set out by your therapist.

 

[JMohegan]

i cant be the only one who has gone through this, and if there is anybody that has any tips, tools, techniques, or suggestions on dealing with the lingering trust issues and flashbacks left from PTSD, please share them.

NIMH reports that: "PTSD can be treated. A doctor or mental health professional who has experience in treating people with PTSD can help you. Treatment may include talk therapy, medication, or both. Treatment might take 6 to 12 weeks. For some people, it takes longer. Treatment is not the same for everyone. What works for you might not work for someone else."

I assume that your therapist knows you have entered into a new BDSM relationship. Perhaps joint counseling with Homburg would be appropriate at times. Not because your trust for him is lacking, but because of the potential for unintentional triggers and such.

 

[myinnerslut]

I want to make one thing very clear.

I do not feel like MIS in any way mistrusts me, nor have I felt limited insofar as trust is concerned.

thanks Master

Master does some light hypnosis and relaxation techniques with me at times and that helps a lot. He did one for me once where I took all the memories that were hurting me and separated them, then put them in red boxes in my head. Basically separating the bad memories so that I could enjoy the good. I probably didn't explain that well at all..LOL. But it has helped some.

Master sings to me every night untill i fall asleep. lately he has been talking to me once i was out, telling me things to help me with my nightmares.

I assume that your therapist knows you have entered into a new BDSM relationship. Perhaps joint counseling with Homburg would be appropriate at times. Not because your trust for him is lacking, but because of the potential for unintentional triggers and such.

yes, she knows. i refused to hide it from my therapist because of the fiasco that was my previous therapist and her reaction when she found out. she has met Master once when he came up to visit me and while he offered to do a joint counseling, she felt it was better to work just with me as it was only our second session. since Master is in virginia and i am in new york, joint counseling isnt much of an option at the moment. in the future, it is a possibility.

 

[Homburg]

she has met Master once when he came up to visit me and while he offered to do a joint counseling, she felt it was better to work just with me as it was only our second session.

I personally considered that a wise decision on her part. So far, she's impressed me.

And, yes, joint counseling is certainly a possibility.

 

[BiBunny]

The only advice I have for you is to focus on how far you've come rather than how far you still have left to go. Getting frustrated at yourself will only hold you back on your journey toward healing.

 

[YourCaptor]

You can try closure, prosecute.

I know it sounds off topic, but once you burry that body it really does just feel better.

 

[myinnerslut]

You can try closure, prosecute.

I know it sounds off topic, but once you burry that body it really does just feel better.

if i knew what would bring closure to the issue id jump at the chance. my brother is convinced that killing A in a horrible and painful way would bring me closure, but i think it would only bring him closure.

 

[Homburg]

You can try closure, prosecute.

I know it sounds off topic, but once you burry that body it really does just feel better.

Prosecution produces court records, which puts her kink life in the public record. Not a good idea.

--

if i knew what would bring closure to the issue id jump at the chance. my brother is convinced that killing A in a horrible and painful way would bring me closure, but i think it would only bring him closure.

I got so yelled at when I offered her brother a standing alibi.

 

[minx1]

the issues that most concern me now are the flashbacks and the subconscious reactions i have. i hope it didnt come off as if i lacked trust for Master. i trust him with every part of me. it is the subconscious that causes me issues, the dreams, the fear of abandonment.

i am hoping that people who lived through something similiar will be able to voice a few suggestions on healing.

*hugs*

My abusive relationships were vanilla ones. For me the problem was never not liking myself enough, I do like me. A lot as it happens *smiles* I am strong and made a very conscious effort to recover and mend, and I have done, so much so, but the reality is its an ongoing process and I do still carry the legacy with me (albeit a small one), in one case 12 years later.

You know what can take months or years to zap away at your confidence, to knock your trust and create fear and panic and vulnerability, can take years to repair, but it can be done.

We have been conditioned by abuse. Our behaviour and reactions are ones we have learnt during those abusive episodes. Learned behaviour can be unlearned but it is gonna take time.
Baby steps. Take your time and you will see positive changes in your reactions and outlook. Take these 'wins'' and feel proud and happy that you are mending. They will provide you with the motivation to carry on when the your confidence or your resolve is challenged, or when there is a setback.

I haven't done it. I'm not there yet, but I'm not far off either. Its hard to say exactly what makes a person manage their aftermath or to recommend a course of action as it will greatly depend on the person or situation.
For me it was as I said to make a conscious decision that I would be strong enough to get through. I even said it out loud to myself at times. I remember saying ''thats enough, no more'' and at that point I let it go.

I guess I stopped living with it, or rather living it. I decided it was part of my past, it was gone. Not only was I different now and I could see clearly the person that I wanted to be in the future.

And finally I guess I understand and accept. I understand that I have been effected and I understand that it was nothing to do with me in either case. It was their issue, not mine. And I accept that I have been effected and I recognise it when it arrives.

*laugh* this sounds so silly, or it did until I recognised it in a book I am reading and realised others do it too lol,
but I guess at some stage I made friends with it. I kinda thought ok legacy, you are here for the long ride and thats ok. Just sit over there and keep quiet ok, and you and I will get along fine.

There's not many things we can make real choices about in our lives. They are often dictated by opportunity, finances, time etc. But here, well this was something I could choose.

I had a choice, I could make my peace with it or keep fighting myself which was exhausting and destructive. I was losing the battle because for me, my approach had been wrong. And it took me a long time to realise that. I didn't start coping overnight. For a long time I chose to keep it subdued and pretend it didn't happen. After that I fought hard, internally against it until I reached a point where I almost imploded. I'm not saying don't fight. DO Fight, but remember, as I just said to someone, there is more than one way to skin a cat. More ways to diffuse a volatile situation whether its inside you or out.

Know it. Understand it. Make peace.

For me knowing, understanding and accepting it, helps to stop the angst. It keeps it in perspective and enables me to put it in the ''past'' box in my head *smile*

I wish you all the strength and resolve MIS that you can muster and that strikes me as alot.

 

[Noor]

a few things.

Joint counseling can be done in conference calls.

Gil T has a thread on helping people get over abuse that you might want to read, if you haven't.

From my experience you don't really ever "get over" PTS. It will come back whenever something calls it up but it gets easier to recognize and calm yourself. On the plus side, I think it comes up because one is in a safe place where it can come up.

Being sung to is great! A friend used give me an image to sleep on, it gave me a safe space and helped a lot. When things are very dark, I try to call up those feelings, it doesnt always work though.

 

[cullen9]

PTSD symptoms never go away. The panic attacks etc unfortunately will be a part of your life forever. Maybe not a major part, but always there.
Flashbacks panic attacks and nightmares are your body's way of warning or protecting you when something is or can go wrong. I know from personal experience that when I am in a situation in any way similar to the one that caused me PTSD, no matter how hard I have tried to avoid it i have these issues. I have found for myself, understanding and accepting the reactions can lessen the severity and make my life much easier.

PTSD can go away if treated, some people can even move past it on their own but it can go away. At least for the guys i know, while not similar to what happened to her, a year getting shot at and blown up cause PTSD in a lot of people.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I want to make one thing very clear.

I do not feel like MIS in any way mistrusts me, nor have I felt limited insofar as trust is concerned.

She trusts me implicitly, and has gone so incredibly far past her previous limits that the phrase "trust issue" is, prima faciae, virtually irrelevant. She trusts me to do things to her that A was never even remotely allowed to go near, so I do not feel like she has trust issues with me.

The problem lies in the PTSD type of symptoms, the flashbacks, panic attacks, and nightmares, all of which generally happen when she is not around me. It is her trust itself that is damaged, as the person she should have been able to trust most was the one that she should have trusted least. Oddly enough, her therapist said almost the same words to her, in that the person she should have trusted most was the source of the most danger in her life.

Exactly, which is why it is important to reach a place where she can trust her own judgment, emotions, actions again...this has nothing to do with you, or anyone else, as it is trust in oneself which creates the feeling of safety no matter what may happen, and over time can provide a means of exorcising the problems she is having to a point where they are manageable at least. I disagree with the therapist in that A was the one she should have been able to trust the most...IMO, it is about trusting oneself most in any situation as that is what it leaves you doubting when you look at what has happened to you. That trust extends to meaning you trust yourself to make good choices, to see danger, to be able to react safely, be able to do your best to survive, have the skills needed to do that irrespective of who is on your side and/or what is happening.

I think you have both made it clear it is not about trust of you, and I do not think anyone thought otherwise. As much as we want to fix it for those we love, sometimes they are the only one who can ultimately heal themselves. Support can be welcome, but moving on to a healthier place has to come from within the one struggling with the fallout from the past. It takes time, a long time usually.

Catalina

 

[SweetErika]

PTSD can go away if treated, some people can even move past it on their own but it can go away. At least for the guys i know, while not similar to what happened to her, a year getting shot at and blown up cause PTSD in a lot of people.

I think it's somewhere in between, and highly dependent on the person and trauma.

If I understand what you're saying, I agree that the symptoms will not be "part of your life forever" as KC asserted.

The symptoms can retreat and even go away with enough time and work, but the change will always be there.

mis, is your therapist (planning on) working through a 12-step PTSD CBT program with you? It addresses the twelve facets of our lives/selves that trauma affects (trust in self, others, self-esteem, power, control, etc.) and I found this to be the only type of therapy that significantly helped my symptoms and got me to function better. Exposure therapy was part of my program, and while it sucked at the time, it really did help in the end. I am forever changed--I will always think and act different than I did before the trauma--but my symptoms have mellowed A LOT and some of them have even gone away. I'm certainly not the mess I was from 1999-2004 or so.

I'm guessing you just need to give yourself a lot more time (years, not months; you may not see it clearly, but the progress will be there), good therapy and hard work. I know it's tempting to focus on your current relationship, but I'd suggest that now is the time to be focusing on yourself. It's easier and natural to avoid by focusing on other people, relationships and things (e.g. feeling bad, and being most concerned, about the impact this has on your partner/relationship; not making enough progress in four months) but the real answers and healing lie deep inside of us. I'm sure Homburg can help you with refocusing your thoughts, feelings and energy on yourself when you start to veer off course, too.

Good luck! Dealing with it completely is so hard, but so worth it. Keep taking steps in the right direction, recognizing even the smallest bits of progress, and know that it will get better.

 

[Bandit58]

*hugs*

My abusive relationships were vanilla ones. For me the problem was never not liking myself enough, I do like me. A lot as it happens *smiles* I am strong and made a very conscious effort to recover and mend, and I have done, so much so, but the reality is its an ongoing process and I do still carry the legacy with me (albeit a small one), in one case 12 years later.

You know what can take months or years to zap away at your confidence, to knock your trust and create fear and panic and vulnerability, can take years to repair, but it can be done.

We have been conditioned by abuse. Our behaviour and reactions are ones we have learnt during those abusive episodes. Learned behaviour can be unlearned but it is gonna take time.
Baby steps. Take your time and you will see positive changes in your reactions and outlook. Take these 'wins'' and feel proud and happy that you are mending. They will provide you with the motivation to carry on when the your confidence or your resolve is challenged, or when there is a setback.

I haven't done it. I'm not there yet, but I'm not far off either. Its hard to say exactly what makes a person manage their aftermath or to recommend a course of action as it will greatly depend on the person or situation.
For me it was as I said to make a conscious decision that I would be strong enough to get through. I even said it out loud to myself at times. I remember saying ''thats enough, no more'' and at that point I let it go.

I guess I stopped living with it, or rather living it. I decided it was part of my past, it was gone. Not only was I different now and I could see clearly the person that I wanted to be in the future.

And finally I guess I understand and accept. I understand that I have been effected and I understand that it was nothing to do with me in either case. It was their issue, not mine. And I accept that I have been effected and I recognise it when it arrives.

*laugh* this sounds so silly, or it did until I recognised it in a book I am reading and realised others do it too lol,
but I guess at some stage I made friends with it. I kinda thought ok legacy, you are here for the long ride and thats ok. Just sit over there and keep quiet ok, and you and I will get along fine.

There's not many things we can make real choices about in our lives. They are often dictated by opportunity, finances, time etc. But here, well this was something I could choose.

I had a choice, I could make my peace with it or keep fighting myself which was exhausting and destructive. I was losing the battle because for me, my approach had been wrong. And it took me a long time to realise that. I didn't start coping overnight. For a long time I chose to keep it subdued and pretend it didn't happen. After that I fought hard, internally against it until I reached a point where I almost imploded. I'm not saying don't fight. DO Fight, but remember, as I just said to someone, there is more than one way to skin a cat. More ways to diffuse a volatile situation whether its inside you or out.

Know it. Understand it. Make peace.

For me knowing, understanding and accepting it, helps to stop the angst. It keeps it in perspective and enables me to put it in the ''past'' box in my head *smile*

I wish you all the strength and resolve MIS that you can muster and that strikes me as alot.

minx you said it for me
I have been out of my emotionally abusive marriage for over six years now. It has left me with a serious lack of self confidence and the occasional nightmare/flashback. When I first moved in with Sir I did have nightmares and would wake in fear but over time they have eased considerably. The dreams I do have of my ex, I am finding more often than not that I am angry rather than afraid. The self confidence is having to be worked on on a daily basis, but I have often surprised myself though with what I have been able to achieve, although I believe that I am always going to be a "work in progress".

Hopefully things will get better for you mis when you finally move in with Homburg and you will have him right there to help and comfort you.

Link to Sir's abuse thread on How To:

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=119289

 

[minx1]

I am always going to be a "work in progress".

*smile* I like that. After all everyone is a work in progress

 

[intothewoods]

PTSD can go away if treated, some people can even move past it on their own but it can go away. At least for the guys i know, while not similar to what happened to her, a year getting shot at and blown up cause PTSD in a lot of people.

I also know people who have been successfully treated for PTSD and panic attacks. For many many pscyhological conditions, a combination of meds and cognitive therapy is hugely effective.

 

[rida]

{{{HUGS }}}

You got a lot of good advices but I would like to quote the one below as I think it hit spot on on the fact that you need to give yourself time and also you need to focus on yourself the most.

The only thing I would like to add is: try to learn what the triggers are, and why they trigger nightmares/panic attack or other PTSD symptoms. Knowing why we feel certain way, why we react certain way is half the battle in understanding and overcoming learned patterns of behaviors.

And never forget that both your Master and your sister slave love you no matter what. They are there for you and will be there for you. You are a cherished and important member of their family.

The symptoms can retreat and even go away with enough time and work, but the change will always be there.

....

I'm guessing you just need to give yourself a lot more time (years, not months; you may not see it clearly, but the progress will be there), good therapy and hard work. I know it's tempting to focus on your current relationship, but I'd suggest that now is the time to be focusing on yourself. It's easier and natural to avoid by focusing on other people, relationships and things (e.g. feeling bad, and being most concerned, about the impact this has on your partner/relationship; not making enough progress in four months) but the real answers and healing lie deep inside of us. I'm sure Homburg can help you with refocusing your thoughts, feelings and energy on yourself when you start to veer off course, too.

Good luck! Dealing with it completely is so hard, but so worth it. Keep taking steps in the right direction, recognizing even the smallest bits of progress, and know that it will get better.