On my knees begging for story feedback

[dawei]

I recently revised a story and tried to make it sound more colorful. So I would like to hear from all you wise or foolish readers to let me know what works and what doesn’t, etc. Does the ending satisfy enough? Do you find humor in the story?

Thanks in advance for giving up some of your time and commenting. Actually, I could use more comments on any of my stories, but the one below is newly revised. Please note, though, there is NO actual sex in this story. So I hope you don’t slap me me down for that. <smile>

www.literotica.com/s/a-flame-in-the-night-ch-04

 

[Framboise]

Not fetish familiar, but I tried...

...you may arise, Sir Dawei of Literotica, and get thee to your keyboard, and keep writing

 

[dawei]

...you may arise, Sir Dawei of Literotica, and get thee to your keyboard, and keep writing

Although, I didn't specifically try to write a fetish story, in my opinion there is enough yearning and craving involved in the story that I felt it could be considered fetish material. Also it should be pointed out that this story is the only one listed as fetish in my series. Unfortunately I mixed and will continue mixing romance and other genres story types together in the series.

Thank you for the encouragement. I will arise now and stand proud.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi, dawei

Sex is more than the grunt an' sweat and you have enough lascivious thoughts in your piece to make it erotic.

However, this is not a story, it is a download of thoughts without plot, dialogue or conclusion. To take several opening paragraphs to say 'I' goes to clubs alone invites readers to click back. You need to jump into the action and explain as you go along.

Without dialogue or names we just have a monologue of 'I's fantasies - quite interesting to 'I', but not the rest of us.

I seriously believe that using first person is difficult until you understand the strength and difficulties of the POV. I think you could have written a more gripping post if you had 'third-partied' 'I' and played on some idea of plot in the interreaction with his dance partners.

Perhaps I'm just a girly, but the description of a nerd on a dance-floor peering down women's cleavages and perving their butts is far from a turn-on as you describe it. You need some response from the women to make the tale hum.

 

[Framboise]

Although, I didn't specifically try to write a fetish story, in my opinion there is enough yearning and craving involved in the story that I felt it could be considered fetish material. Also it should be pointed out that this story is the only one listed as fetish in my series. Unfortunately I mixed and will continue mixing romance and other genres story types together in the series.

Thank you for the encouragement. I will arise now and stand proud.

I know the stories I have tried writing often do not fit neatly in a particular category - so you do the best you can with what you wrote, and if someone objects to where you placed it, too bad

 

[SydneyBlake]

I'm afraid I have to second Elfin's comments. You have a good enough grasp on spelling and proper grammar, but I think you could benefit from a creative writing course or the like, to learn how to make your stories pop.

 

[dawei]

Thanks elfin_odalisque. I appreciate your sincere analysis. I’ll try to have a tough skin and not be discouraged. I’m not sure what I’ll change but I’ll keep your comments in the back of my mind.

Hi, dawei

Sex is more than the grunt an' sweat and you have enough lascivious thoughts in your piece to make it erotic.

I've tried to show sex both ways: sex in the mind's eye and sex which is more basic and graphic.

However, this is not a story, it is a download of thoughts without plot, dialogue or conclusion. To take several opening paragraphs to say 'I' goes to clubs alone invites readers to click back. You need to jump into the action and explain as you go along.

I don't know how to respond to your statement that the writing is not a story. I may not have effectively presented the story, but I don't believe dialogue is necessary. And the conclusion is what it is. Unfortunetly I wrote this without POV using "I" and "you" charectors. Maybe one day I'll write stories differently, but I don't see a way of changing that for this story. And maybe I made the intro too long here while trying to describe the "I" personality.

I seriously believe that using first person is difficult until you understand the strength and difficulties of the POV. I think you could have written a more gripping post if you had 'third-partied' 'I' and played on some idea of plot in the interreaction with his dance partners.

Very good suggestion, but I don't see this series/story as being the same written in 'third-party'. Much of my "dialog" is in inner thoughts, hidden motives, and playing on gender differences.

Perhaps I'm just a girly, but the description of a nerd on a dance-floor peering down women's cleavages and perving their butts is far from a turn-on as you describe it. You need some response from the women to make the tale hum.

Oh dear, you broke my heart on that one! Another girly rejecting me. But seriously, while my series is directed at the female audience, this chapter may be more appreciated by the male audience. For the female it may provide a view into the male psyche, but I admit that really isn't sexy. For the guys, I hope they laugh at what is all to common. Checking out the ladies when there are all around you.

 

[dawei]

I'm afraid I have to second Elfin's comments. You have a good enough grasp on spelling and proper grammar, but I think you could benefit from a creative writing course or the like, to learn how to make your stories pop.

Hmm... If I want to make a story pop, I should take your advice. But honestly, I am writing to fulfill a creative need and usually I wish to tell a story that is very subtle and low keyed in the beginning until it catches the reader later. Unfortunately, I suspect I lose many readers by writing that way. But maybe I should be more creative in trying to change things around and pushing things forward occasionally. Thanks for your comments.

 

[Noira]

Hmm... If I want to make a story pop, I should take your advice. But

Then why are you asking for feedback.

Feedback is intended, I feel, to make a story 'pop'. Why else would you want to improve your work, if not to hook more readers? A story doesn't have to begin "in-media-res" or even fast to pop; a story can be subtle and low-key to grab attention... because grabbing attention is more than plot-in-your-face. It can be well-crafted writing, characters the reader cares about...

You can't "catch a reader later", that's like catching a fish after it's already swam downstream. It's too late. You catch people at the beginning and keep them wanting more, whether or not that's by a fast-paced story or presenting a mystery or simply entrancing them with your writing. You want to hook first, keep them hungry, satisfy later... because you don't get a second chance to hook, they're already gone.

Honestly... I'd like to rewrite this from a different narratorial perspective. You write "I" as if "I" happens to be the narrator from a noir murder mystery and it doesn't grip the reader, because it's like a transcript of events. While I like the sex-free fetishization of dancing, while I like the concept... the narrator makes me feel detached from the events.

As someone else said, first person is hard. I used to feel like first person, when I wrote it, ended up being a series of I, I, I. I did this and I did that and then I ended up in a list and well, it wasn't very fun at all. That's how yours turned out, and that's why I wrote a lot of third person until I had third person limited my bitch, then all I had to do was make "name" into "I" and find a character that struck my fancy... and I ended up with a whole series of novels from "I" that worked in a way that "she" never could.

If you revisit this, detach yourself from the narrator's head. Your writing is good, and what's really holding this back is the gripping "I"... it's like reading a forum post.

You don't give yourself enough credit, really, when it comes to making things pop. It's not the sex that makes a story gripping. Though I hold that writing a good sex scene and writing a good action scene are ultimately the same thing, what makes these scenes functionally gripping is the emotion placed in them, and the same searing emotion and, therefore, grip can be poured into say... your fetish story with not a whit of sex, just the sensuality of existence.

Hooking a reader at the beginning is all about investing them in the character, and step one is probably not being self-depreciating and step two is not reminding people that this is just a story written by some writer. Invest them immediately and make them forget it's a story... here's how you could have begun.

"Going dancing alone isn't that bad, really, once you get used to it. Finding random dates, snagging women with flashy pickup lines—I don't have the aptitude for that. But I like dancing, so instead, I go alone."

There is no "I" in the first sentence, but it's in first person. There is no self-depreciation and no reminder that this is a story. More lines should be like that, without an "I" but a description of the world and the going-ons. Keep in mind third person--not every sentence is going to contain "Bob", and it should be exactly like that in first person, except more intimate. Lines like how he sinks into the music, feeling the flow... things like that are good, and in this sort of POV piece, what you want to encapsulate on. Make the reader feel like they are there, not just reading a blog post about what happened.

When you started describing the dancers, things picked up. Anyone who thinks erotica needs sex is wrong. Definitely a fetish story, but nice, heated and erotic.

Basically, you need to take the scissors to this piece! Your writing is good, your grammar is good, your characterization is good, but longer isn't always better. But I felt like I was writing a story from the point of view of the detective in a mystery novel, and maybe for erotica, that's not a good thing. I like the "familiarity" of your narrator, I just frankly, would rather see you writing mystery novels with this particular choice of voice.

No offense intended, of course. You're a decent writer, in that you make characters and words work. Definitely a step above a lot of wank-fodder writers! The next step is making them your bitch.

 

[dawei]

Then why are you asking for feedback.

Feedback is intended, I feel, to make a story 'pop'. Why else would you want to improve your work, if not to hook more readers? A story doesn't have to begin "in-media-res" or even fast to pop; a story can be subtle and low-key to grab attention... because grabbing attention is more than plot-in-your-face. It can be well-crafted writing, characters the reader cares about...

You can't "catch a reader later", that's like catching a fish after it's already swam downstream. It's too late. You catch people at the beginning and keep them wanting more, whether or not that's by a fast-paced story or presenting a mystery or simply entrancing them with your writing. You want to hook first, keep them hungry, satisfy later... because you don't get a second chance to hook, they're already gone.

Thanks Noira.

While I'd like to hook more readers and be popular, however, often I feel too content hanging my line out waiting to snag that straggling trout, which once in awhile might keep me feed and make me happy at supper. But quality is quality in whatever form and I see your point in trying to make a story have more 'pop' or 'punch'. And it can be helpful to know what is working and what is not so I guess that is partly what I'm seeking.

I think in the goal of re-writing this story I tried too hard to be overly descriptive at points, since original I felt the story was cold. I may have to take another look again at being somewhat more concise.

I admit that the "I" character is problematic, especially in this chapter since there are no other characters that speak. But the other chapters were written with "I" and "you" characters as well, so I don't see myself redoing it all. I think I'll have to go forward with it, best that I can, and complete the whole series. Then afterward I might take a stab at third person pov.

Thanks for the other advise on an introductory suggestion, and the evaluation on my strengths and weaknesses.