Older men & young ladies - what's wrong with us?

[cddweller]

I was interested in the Freudian approach to it, but I found out that there's something that goes way deeper than that (pardon the pun). I am 19 years old and am incapable of having a regular, comfortable relationship with another male under the age of 50. I notice that all of my stories involve older men, my first real crush was 41 years old (I was 12), and my current boyfriend is 55.

Any explanations/thoughts/helpful commentary would be greatly appreciated. It might just help straighten out the material in my books, so it's not a situation of being misty and confused, but clear and determined (I need that to get a good romance story going).

 

[Guest]

Yes.

You are suffering from an acute beer-gut fetish.

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

... I am 19 years old and am incapable of having a regular, comfortable relationship with another male under the age of 50.... my first real crush was 41 years old (I was 12) ... my current boyfriend is 55 ...

Other than having to listen to other people’s theories that you are looking for a surrogate father, or that you are some dirty old man’s trophy, and he’s your meal ticket — the best trick you ever encountered — there is nothing drastically wrong with it, now.

The 42-year-old boyfriend when you were only twelve was pushing the envelope more than a bit too far, if the relationship went beyond a mere crush — platonic only. Otherwise, that relationship could best be described as statutory rape, unlawful carnal knowledge of a minor, and probable child abuse.

 

[amicus]

Cddweller....


What is so wrong with that? Good question.


I have three stories posted on Lit that feature older man, younger woman relationships but for me the issue is simple, I am an older man who enjoys the company of younger women.

I am about to delete those stories as they will be included in a book being published in about six weeks so if you want to read them without buying the book, now would be a good time.

Annie, Susan, and Tiffany are the story titles.

As far as why a younger woman would be drawn to an older man, aside from the already mentioned possiblities, one can only speculate.

I could more easily explain my attraction to a younger woman from my point of view, but part of the joy of writing is to try to get into the head of characters of different gender, age and abilities.

Are you speaking of a 'love' relationship? Of being 'in love' and loving an older man? Or is it perhaps an intellectual matter or one of security?

Some of the younger women that have tagged along in my life time have been those who are interested in learning about, hearing of, my travels and experiences. They usually don't hang around too long before they are off on their own adventures and it turns out to be a good thing for both.

Some have just been looking for a shelter away from the confusion of a competive life style that has drained them emotionally and spiritually and they need a safe haven to recover without being challenged. Older men can sometimes provide that without being fatherly.

Some have been disappointed and hurt by previous relationships with men their own age, some have been sexually unfullfilled for a variety of reasons. Older men, once again can sometimes take the time to discover what a younger woman wants or needs while placing his own desires in second place.

While I have no absolute answers, I do have a bit of a question based on my perception of what nature intends in a relationship. Nature provides that pleasure accompanies the process of procreation; that is to say, it is kinda fun making a baby.

That being said and implying that male/female relationships exist mainly to produce children, the question of the older male, younger female becomes problematical.

The female, by nature, will choose the father of her children according to a fairly obvious set of rules intended to secure her well being during pregnancy and the well being of her children until the children are grown.

Depending on the age and health of the older male, this may raise a question as to the suitability of the older male, younger female relationship.

Of course if progeny is not the issue, then companionship, sexual availability or compatibility for whatever reason, simply denotes a lifestyle and becomes just an individual matter of choice.

I find younger women attractive because they are often more spontaneous and light hearted about life in general. They sing and dance around naked and go running in the rain and doing silly things that lighten my somewhat dour outlook on most things.

Hope something in that ramble was helpful.

(ahem, send me a photo)

amicus grins...(only kidding)

regards...amicus the dirty old man...

 

[CharleyH]

I don't think I've ever dated anyone who wasn't 21, not when in highschool, and not now. I seem to have a number fetish. Don't know what that says about me, but I'm sure some Freudian shit would chalk it up to fear of aging. However I, having taken Dr. Seuss 101, (and still can't spell it)suggest that it's more an international 'of age' number.

Nothing wrong with that.

Martha Raye caught a lot of flack though. Seems one can only be a distinguished and dentured man with younger women, and not the other way around.

 

[cddweller]

"Are you speaking of a 'love' relationship? Of being 'in love' and loving an older man? Or is it perhaps an intellectual matter or one of security?"

It's a combination of those, for me personally. I actually am in love with the guy - he's everything to me. He and I have been through hard and good times, we've helped each other out and been honest to each other, and we've just been best friends for years. He's taught me responsibility in a manner that my parents never did - he put me IN the situation and let me sink or swim (knowing I'd swim, though I didn't have that advantage of comfort).

"That being said and implying that male/female relationships exist mainly to produce children, the question of the older male, younger female becomes problematical."

I agree totally. Chances are, if we marry, I won't ever have children with him (my daughter-in-law would three to four years older than myself, and he is not interested in having more children).

Thank you all for your comments, it's been very interesting.

 

[shereads]

I was in my twenties once, so I answered as I would have then.

My first tongue-kiss was from a high school boy my own age, and that kiss was so awful it made me think I was a lesbian. In college, my much older, married, experienced - and as it happens, bearded - professor kissed me when I had been overserved at a local tavern, and I found out for the first time than I craved men. Not boys my age, but men.

I don't think it's a daddy thing, this lust for older men. I do think it had, and maybe has, something to do with wanting a man who is stronger/more in control than I am. Like a lot of women in the corporate world, I've had to be a bit of a bitch to avoid being a doormat, and there aren't many men that leave me in awe.

Awe is definitely a component of sexual attraction for me. I've never been awed by a man that I considered my equal (or less) in experience and power. I don't mean "power" in the sense most people assume when they say women are drawn to powerful men; it's never been someone who has direct authority over me at a job, and in the case of my professor, I was no longer his student when that earth-shaking kiss took place. It's not about wealth or social position or a Mr. Universe steroid-build body. It's power of a kind that I don't fully understand myself, of which a man's intelligence, wit, and will to take the lead sexually are all components.

The older I get, the less important the age difference becomes. But a difference in maturity typically means more experience and confidence, too. That's important for me.

I can't explain my fetish for beards, though.



I just like them. A lot.

 

[sweetnpetite]

I don't think it's neccessarily a daddy thing either.

Maybe it's because men don't start to act like adults till around 40 or 50.

IF you read the personal ads, men over 40 or so have more *interesting* interests. I guess they are just more *developed* They are more likely to want some of the same things you are- or maybe they've just learned to *pretend* better. At any rate they seem to have a little more on there mind than beer, Hooters and Nascar.

they say girls mature faster than boys, but then claim that it evens out in our twenties. I don't believe it. Women are more likely to be interested in settling down, serious persuits and family in there twenties than men. Not to say *all* in either group. Just more likely.

***These observations all coming from a woman who finds herself inexplicably attracted to much *younger* men. Still, older man are more intersting, more individual.

 

[sincerely_helene]

For me, I think it's primarily the been-there-done that persona. I like to surround myself with people I can learn from, and I suppose to some degree that is arousing to me. I wouldn't say I have a daddy fetish, cause the thought of my father in that way makes me cringe and is everything but arousing.

I have always found older men fascinating in their immense widsom, (though the experiance in the bedroom certainly doesn't harm their appeal either.) I like that they are often willing to take charge of situations, and don't allow themselves to get caught up in the typical games the younger generation might play. Of course, I might be sterotyping a bit, because I have also met several physically mature chaps who were far from fully matured mentally.

In my fantasies though, the men are always older, and seem to have an indifferent aura about them. It is almost like we are amusingly transparent in their eyes.

 

[amicus]

"indifferent aura" "amusingly transparent"


I may have to abscond with those phrases...lovely choice of words...


amicus

 

[sincerely_helene]

"indifferent aura" "amusingly transparent"


I may have to abscond with those phrases...lovely choice of words...


amicus

Thanks. I used my thes-auras.

 

[amicus]

You are about to become a Literotica Guru....Congratulations!

amicus....

 

[Just-Legal]

When I was seventeen I dated a twenty six year old for nearly a year. Why? Because I needed someone on my level intellectually and maturitiy-wise.

WHY would I want to date immature boys who got drunk and bitched about football? *sighs* I wanted someone I could discuss my college courses (Sociology, Psychology, Government and Politics) with, and someone who wouldn't look at me like I was stupid. Someone who would consider taking me to dinner a date rather than getting pissed down the pub.

Why did it fail?

One night out with the girls when he was coming home. Not the night he was due home, the night BEFORE.

He was an asshole anyway.

 

[shereads]

I wouldn't say I have a daddy fetish, cause the thought of my father in that way makes me cringe and is everything but arousing.

Glad you pointed that out. I've always had a thing for more experienced men, but never for men who weremy dad's age, with or without the Sans-A-Belt slacks worn with Hushpuppies bedroom slippers and Aqua Velva.

Also: It may be worth pointing out that age alone does not qualify anyone as an "older man" in a sexual sense. Collecting G.I. Joe dolls to display at the office, staying up all night to watch a Doctor Who marathon, wearing a Tommy Hilfiger cap backwards, and certain other behaviors can replace those sexy Older-Man Power Points with 12-Year-Old-Nephew Power Demerits.

 

[cddweller]

"My first tongue-kiss was from a high school boy my own age, and that kiss was so awful it made me think I was a lesbian. In college, my much older, married, experienced - and as it happens, bearded - professor kissed me when I had been overserved at a local tavern, and I found out for the first time than I craved men. "

Exactly the same as with me.

"I've had to be a bit of a bitch to avoid being a doormat, and there aren't many men that leave me in awe."

Same here.

"I've never been awed by a man that I considered my equal (or less) in experience and power[...] It's power of a kind that I don't fully understand myself, of which a man's intelligence, wit, and will to take the lead sexually are all components. "

Verily, verily, she has shown me the light! I'm drawing parallels to what I've been going through, and it is so enlightening.

"I can't explain my fetish for beards, though. "

No need to, I know exactly where you're coming from.

The 42-year-old boyfriend when you were only twelve was pushing the envelope more than a bit too far, if the relationship went beyond a mere crush — platonic only. Otherwise, that relationship could best be described as statutory rape, unlawful carnal knowledge of a minor, and probable child abuse.

Sorry if I miscommunicated this - he wasn't a boyfriend, just somebody I fell madly in love with. He sort of egged me on, now that I think about it, but at the time, he didn't do anything outright physically, just emotionally and erotically. I think it was this that effected me for the rest of my years, up until now.

 

[sweetnpetite]

When I was seventeen I dated a twenty six year old for nearly a year. Why? Because I needed someone on my level intellectually and maturitiy-wise.

WHY would I want to date immature boys who got drunk and bitched about football? *sighs* I wanted someone I could discuss my college courses (Sociology, Psychology, Government and Politics) with, and someone who wouldn't look at me like I was stupid. Someone who would consider taking me to dinner a date rather than getting pissed down the pub.

Why did it fail?

One night out with the girls when he was coming home. Not the night he was due home, the night BEFORE.

He was an asshole anyway.

Yeah, that's kind of what I was saying. The only problem with guys that much older, is that the ones who are attracted to girls that much *younger* tend to be assholes in that way. It's a conumdrum. I look a lot younger, and I sometimes used to worry about the type of guys *my own age* who would be attracted to me, let alone the older ones. But then a man is always more attractive when he doesn't like you back right?

 

[Liar]

they say girls mature faster than boys, but then claim that it evens out in our twenties. I don't believe it. Women are more likely to be interested in settling down, serious persuits and family in there twenties than men. Not to say *all* in either group. Just more likely.

From what I've experienced and seen around me, many these days want to be 20 until they're 40. One difference between men and women though seems to be how they react when they, somewhere in the age of 17 to 27, are given a nine month deadline to get their act together. Many more men than women does not grow up and take responsibility when unplanned parenthood ensues. If this is because the women have physically harder to neglect the issue, or some deeper psychological aspect, I have no idea.

Personally, I have at age 27 no other ambition than settling down, but finding a single and female humanoid with the same goal on my age group sure ain't easy. If you see any, please point them in my direction.

An observation re: age differencies. I have always found people at my age (give or take 2 years) to generally be the most physically attractive. When I was fifteen, fifteen year old girls was da bomb. I didn't find the 20 to 25 yo movie stars, models and whatnot that my friends drooled over pretty at all. Now, fifteen year old girls scare me. Regardless of how mature they dress or act, they look so small that I fear that they'll flutter away if I happen to sneeze.

So a question for cddweller; have your ideal man gotten older at the same rate you have? Or is he still the same age as always?

#L

 

[EmeraldKitten]

Very interesting subject.
I'm not sure why I am attracted to older guys.
The first 'older man' I had a crush on was my best friend's stepdad, LOL. Yes, that's twisted. He was so sweet and so nice and freakin hot on top of it all. He was 40, I was 18.
At his 40th b-day party, he was smashed. I knew he was a drinker, but it was ridiculous. He was dancing with everyone, including myself, and proceeded to grab my ass in front of all the guests and his wife.
A little while later, outside, he came up behind me and scared me- and then nibbled my neck. It totally freaked me out- but because we were in 'public' basically, and he was married. To my friends mom, lol.

Now, there's a guy that I've been talking to online for about 2 years. I'm 21, he's 51. We talk on the phone, and have somewhat of a 'relationship', and wants to meet me. The reason I hesitate- his kids are older than I am, and he's already got grandchildren.

As far as in real life goes- really, the only guys that will do a double take are older men. I'd have to beat a 20-something year old guy over the head with a baseball bat to get them to look. Now why is that?
Oh, and also, I've noticed, that probably 75% of those 'dirty old men' (lol) are wearing wedding rings. Just my luck, lol.


So anyhow, I don't know why I'm fascinated by older guys.. maybe because they're the only ones that seem interested?? Who knows. Good topic though!

~K

 

[sincerely_helene]

Very interesting subject.
I'm not sure why I am attracted to older guys.
The first 'older man' I had a crush on was my best friend's stepdad, LOL. Yes, that's twisted. He was so sweet and so nice and freakin hot on top of it all. He was 40, I was 18.
At his 40th b-day party, he was smashed. I knew he was a drinker, but it was ridiculous. He was dancing with everyone, including myself, and proceeded to grab my ass in front of all the guests and his wife.
A little while later, outside, he came up behind me and scared me- and then nibbled my neck. It totally freaked me out- but because we were in 'public' basically, and he was married. To my friends mom, lol.

Now, there's a guy that I've been talking to online for about 2 years. I'm 21, he's 51. We talk on the phone, and have somewhat of a 'relationship', and wants to meet me. The reason I hesitate- his kids are older than I am, and he's already got grandchildren.

As far as in real life goes- really, the only guys that will do a double take are older men. I'd have to beat a 20-something year old guy over the head with a baseball bat to get them to look. Now why is that?
Oh, and also, I've noticed, that probably 75% of those 'dirty old men' (lol) are wearing wedding rings. Just my luck, lol.


So anyhow, I don't know why I'm fascinated by older guys.. maybe because they're the only ones that seem interested?? Who knows. Good topic though!

~K

I have the opposite problem these days, Emerald. The younger ones seem to want me to "be their girl,", but the older ones just keep looking at me like I'm ~ahem~ amusingly transparent.

... Or maybe I'm just not young enough to appeal to their tastes anymore, and the 20 year olds see me as some sort of older lady conquest.

 

[rgraham666]

Speaking for myself, I generally, very generally prefer women close to my own age.

I find women much younger than me to be too immature for me to have great interest in them.

There are exceptions to this. I have and do know some younger women I find very attractive.

On the other hand, many women my age carry a lot of emotional baggage that I end up on the receiving end of. I end up being compared to all the other jerks that have been in their lives.

Sigh. Can't win for losing.

 

[shereads]

The only problem with guys that much older, is that the ones who are attracted to girls that much *younger* tend to be assholes in that way. It's a conumdrum.

Yep. Men whose definition of "younger woman" never ages past girls in their late teens and twenties sometimes give the impression that they're afraid their sexual skills won't impress an experienced woman, and that fear is the opposite of power. It's not that I don't understand their attraction to the physical perfection of youth; it's just that I can't respect a man who sees women from such a shallow perspective.

Maybe the age difference as a stimulant isn't so much about age, but about the politically hyper-incorrect (but sooo much fun) imbalance of power that is the primitive essence of Male/female, Tarzan/Jane, and their big, mean brother D/s. For a man who has confidence in his power as a, um, bedroom companion, and whose nature in the bedroom is to be in command of the situation, being older than his partner isn't as important as knowing the ropes. So to speak.

 

[amicus]

"Yep. Men whose definition of "younger woman" never ages past girls in their late teens and twenties sometimes give the impression that they're afraid their sexual skills won't impress an experienced woman, and that fear is the opposite of power. It's not that I don't understand their attraction to the physical perfection of youth; it's just that I can't respect a man who sees women from such a shallow perspective."

"...it's just that I can't respect a man who sees women from such a shallow perspective."

Not to pick a fight dear Shereads.....but over the years, I have discovered that the attraction of opposites does not just apply to magnets.


There was a commercial running on television a few months ago, of a gorgeous fashion model, beautiful but smart as a rock, being ran into on the street by this nerdy looking guy who was a computer expert.

They married and had a child....happy ending....but....was she 'shallow' in your terms?

I find, in general, not always of course, that intelligent women, who are also physically atrractive in a symmetrical sense, seem to marry men who are much more 'shallow' and, basically boring.

And it seems...again, just my observation, that intellegent men seem to marry attractive bimbos.

After years of consternation, I finally acquiesced to accept that opposites do attract, as a 'compliment' to each other, each one supplying what the other didn't have. Not always true, of course, but from my experience, it is more the rule than the exception.

And again, after many years, I finally admitted that had I found a woman of equal intelligence and verve, we probably would have killed each other in exertion or competition.

Sighs...such is life...look forward to your response....


amicus

 

[shereads]

Not to pick a fight dear Shereads.....but over the years, I have discovered that the attraction of opposites does not just apply to magnets.

There was a commercial running on television a few months ago, of a gorgeous fashion model, beautiful but smart as a rock, being ran into on the street by this nerdy looking guy who was a computer expert.

They married and had a child....happy ending....but....was she 'shallow' in your terms?

Amicus, honey, you and I don't have to pick fights with each other. We just fall into them naturally. Isn't it nice knowing there is at least one thing we can each rely on?

Except this time, because this isn't a fight. Just a slight misunderstanding on your part about my post.

I would never assume that the woman in your commercial is shallow, just because she's beautiful. In fact, her choice of an intelligent but less than handsome man would indicate that she has some depth and complexity. Like most women, she is able to find a man sexy because of other things, like his brillaince and wit and trust fund. (Proof? Woody Allen. Would a female Woody Allen have been able to seduce all of her leaading men? Ha.)

As for the man in your commercial...He might be shallow, but it's not fair to assume that until we know more. Maybe he sees beyond her beauty and youth, and appreciates her in other ways. Who knows?

The only things we know for sure about this commercial are that a man wrote it or paid for it, and that there was never a script under consideration that had a 22-year-old lifeguard named Sven falling in love with a geeky woman with Bill Gates' complexion as well as his brain.



What I said in my post was not that beautiful young women are shallow, but that I can't respect a man (sufficiently to find him attractive) who retains a boyish, shallow perspective on women's sexuality as he otherwise matures. Thank God there are men who are able to appreciate not ony the simplicity and freshness of girls, but the complexity of women.

It may be unfair that the older man/younger woman bit doesn't work the other way very often; on the other hand, we women have a deeper pool of sexually attractive partners, simply because we find sexiness in such a diverse set of features.

About opposites attracting, you're absolutely, chemically right - according to a university study about sexual attraction that has come to be called "the t-shirt test." I think I first read about it at salon.com, and later in a women's magazine where it was presented as a cautionary tale for women choosing a lifemate while taking birth control pills.

The gist of the test was this: women were asked to rate the sexuality of a number of men, based on nothing more than handling/smelling/fondling the men's unlaundered white T-shirts. (Pheromones, I guess.) Women overwhelmingly selected as sexually attractive the men whose DNA was least like their own. Opposites attracted.

With one scary exception: Women who were either pregnant or were taking birth control pills - which duplicate some symptoms of pregnancy - were sexually attracted to men whose DNA was more like their own. Opposites repelled.




The implication was that women who are taking the pill while dating Mr. Right, and who then marry him and go off of the pill to start a family, may find themselves waking up with Mr. What-The-Hell-Did-I-Ever-See-In-This-Man. Conversely, women who fall in love before they start taking the pill may fall out of it when they do.

There seems to be an easy solution, which is:

~ if she's on the pill when she falls in lust with Smoove B, and she can't stand his touch after she stops taking the pill and has his babies, she should go back on it and stay on it once the spawning is over with.

~ if she's not on the pill when she falls for Smoove, and plans to be, she should try it for a while before tying the knot. She might find him less attractive.

The T-Shirt Test researchers theorized that nature, to protect the world from the birth of inbred knuckle-draggers, causes women who are in a mating mood to be attracted to men who are in no way like their dads, their brothers, or Cousin Clem from the trailer next-door.

What no one tried to explain is why, once women are pregnant (or in the similar hormonal state induced by birth control pills) the babydaddy is no longer Mr. Right; Cousin Clem is.

Nature is the world's biggest practical joker, isn't she?

 

[amicus]

Yes, my friend, I think 'he' is. I saw that program on some nerd channel...about the white t-shirts...but it did not include the aftermath you described...that was new to me.

I have always known that women are more clever, socially, than men, more facile with the tongue and often quicker of wit than the mere male.

However, my experience still suggests that smart men marry less smart women and smart women marry less smart men. Of course, my experience did not cover the entire world nor the span of human existence, so it is surely subject to error.

That being said, as we merrily scribble our fiction and non fiction, do we create heterosexual mates of equal verve and intelligence as a matter of faith and hope or do we create characters the way they appear in real life?

Along with what you said about nature resisting incest by odor, also applies to saliva, so that kissing your sister/brother/mother/father really can be an unpleasant experience.

Ain't father nature great?

amicably amicus

 

[shereads]

Smart women don't marry at all...Well, maybe once. But not again.

Yes, my friend, I think 'he' is. I saw that program on some nerd channel...about the white t-shirts...but it did not include the aftermath you described...that was new to me.

I have always known that women are more clever, socially, than men, more facile with the tongue and often quicker of wit than the mere male.

However, my experience still suggests that smart men marry less smart women and smart women marry less smart men. Of course, my experience did not cover the entire world nor the span of human existence, so it is surely subject to error.

That being said, as we merrily scribble our fiction and non fiction, do we create heterosexual mates of equal verve and intelligence as a matter of faith and hope or do we create characters the way they appear in real life?

Along with what you said about nature resisting incest by odor, also applies to saliva, so that kissing your sister/brother/mother/father really can be an unpleasant experience.

Ain't father nature great?

amicably amicus