Old School Poetry

[Machiavellian]

Now I was told recently that most of my poems - which 90% rhyme in one way or another ..ok make it 99% is too old school..

What do you think? I'd like to hope one day some of my poems end up as lyrics on the top charts of music - I don't do my poems as so but ironically they end up that way most times.


Whats your thoughts on it?

Example of one of my poems:

Reoccuring Dream

The reoccurring dreams,
The better than it seems,
The want for more,
Like we had before.

The skip of a heart beat,
The ache to have your heat.
The passion exceeding my soul.
The need to become whole.

The shiver and the shake,
The need, and the ache.
The loss of breath,
With every movement I take,
I want to have that feeling again inside;
the feeling of what we had - once upon a time

 

[eagleyez]

revise

got melody?

 

[thenry]

There is a difference between admittedly old school poetry, modern lyrric, and modern poetry. Modern poetry tends to be defined as breaking most of the old school rules. You exemplified poetry seems to match lyrics more than any of the others.

 

[Senna Jawa]

What old school? Forget old/new school. It doesn't apply to your text. Your "Reoccuring Dream" is simply junk and there is no need to go into any sophistications.

 

[Icingsugar]

old school new school
you school me school
too cool for school

Really, I don't see how anything can be too anything school. If it swings, it swings.

Besides, like thenry said, this is not old school poetry. For instance, the meter is too unstuctured for that. It rhymes, but that's about all that would make it traditional.

I think calling it pop-lyrics is quite right on the money. But even as such, it doesn't really distinguish itself from the mass of similar lyrics out there. The first thing I think you need is an interresting, unique perspective to write about, or to try other, less cliché ways to say your stuff.

best of luck,
/Ice

 

[Celedriel]

Pour these unabashedly shopworn bromides

into unmetered regurgitated gruel?

The children are starving.

 

[Machiavellian]

Gee with the feedback from some , you really know how to make a new member feel comfortable!
thanx!

 

[eagleyez]

Gee with the feedback from some , you really know how to make a new member feel comfortable!
thanx!

write and post and dont worry about it Mach. I, as a musician, just wondered if you had a melodic line to go with the words.

Senna Jibberish is not worth paying attention to. He's the resident Prick around here. And in my opinion a halfwit poet to boot.

 

[Machiavellian]

write and post and dont worry about it Mach. I, as a musician, just wondered if you had a melodic line to go with the words.

Senna Jibberish is not worth paying attention to. He's the resident Prick around here. And in my opinion a halfwit poet to boot.

Tyvm Eyez.

 

[Celedriel]

Tyvm Eyez.

When they start tossing out Pulitzer Prizes for illiterate netspeak, you will be the winner.

"u cant icnore me - im like a virus - i make u curious & needy - yet u gotta luv me cause i get in your system & expore vulnerbility & leaving u open 2 eposure with lil resistance ... "

That kind of abuse of the language is a felony in 14 states.

 

[Guest]

Talking in riddles is the way.

 

[Celedriel]

Talking in riddles is the way.

Yeah. But cameltoe has a languid language of its own.

 

[denis hale]

!!!!!

Catfight!

 

[Guest]

Re: !!!!!

Catfight!

You wish.

 

[Celedriel]

Meeeeroooowrrr.

 

[denis hale]

Yeowww!!

(Sylvester lisp)

That ith Thtupendith!!

 

[Machiavellian]

Yeah. But cameltoe has a languid language of its own.

wtf is your problem -- perhaps you need to change the batteries in your vibe?? and then well - go... fill in the blanks. Just because someone isn't getting any doesn't give them a right to be a bitch.

 

[Machiavellian]

When they start tossing out Pulitzer Prizes for illiterate netspeak, you will be the winner.

"u cant icnore me - im like a virus - i make u curious & needy - yet u gotta luv me cause i get in your system & expore vulnerbility & leaving u open 2 eposure with lil resistance ... "

That kind of abuse of the language is a felony in 14 states.

FYI - I am not in the states so it dosen't apply to me..

 

[grumpymann]

Now I was told recently that most of my poems - which 90% rhyme in one way or another ..ok make it 99% is too old school..

What do you think? I'd like to hope one day some of my poems end up as lyrics on the top charts of music - I don't do my poems as so but ironically they end up that way most times.


Whats your thoughts on it?

Example of one of my poems:

Reoccuring Dream

The reoccurring dreams,
The better than it seems,
The want for more,
Like we had before.

The skip of a heart beat,
The ache to have your heat.
The passion exceeding my soul.
The need to become whole.

The shiver and the shake,
The need, and the ache.
The loss of breath,
With every movement I take,
I want to have that feeling again inside;
the feeling of what we had - once upon a time

Like it. I guess I have a thing for rhyme I can't seem to write with out doing it




The Mist between You and me

When I look into the mirror,
I can only see your face.

A smile so angelic and so sincere,
It makes my downed heart ache.

I hear your voice lilting,
When I hear your joyous laugh.

In your presence, I feel whole,
When your absence, my soul is half.

But we let it come between us,
It’s just the mist between you and me.

Because our hearts beat the same,
We’re in love and it’s plain.

But we let it separate us,
Afraid to let our hearts free.

Like smoke it’s between us,
The mist between you and me.

Afraid it’s icy fire,
Weakened by its cutting caress.

Knowing how the other feels,
Feeling it’s surely for the best.

Now it stands between us,
That misty devil’s breath.

I want so much to touch you,
My name whispered on you lips.

You feel it all the same there,
On the other side of the mist.

You stand there so damn strongly,
Indifferent to our pain.

I see myself there so plainly,
I know that you do the same.

I move to wipe the mist away,
And see a twitching of your arm.

There is hope just for a second,
But shared panic has done its harm.

It’s lost now, our nirvana,
Drowned in that hopeless sea.

In all that’s here between us,
That mist between you and me.



Well Ok I TRY to write!

 

[Machiavellian]

Grump, you and me both - I can't often write without doing it.

 

[grumpymann]

Grump, you and me both - I can't often write without doing it.

Yeah, sometimes I wish I could do it with out the rhyme. Once I had to write a 150 or more line for a class. Everyone but me did a free form kind of thing but me.

It’s a crutch, for me, I guess I need the structure!

…..Maybe that means I’m not creative….