Okay, who wants to rip apart my poem?

[arienette]

Tzara left a comment on a poem of mine I did for annaswirls' 30 poems in 30 days on Dante's Inferno. To quote exactly, she said:

I meant to comment about this one the other day. I think this is remarkable. It has flaws, of course--what poem doesn't have flaws--but I think it's really good in a way that I can't really comment on it. You need someone better than me to analyze it.

I think there are flaws--don't get me wrong--but I am not the person to point them out.

You have, in my opinion, tremendous talent. You should send your stuff into the real world. Submit to, at least, online journals. You are very good.

Ah, well, and, you know. Carry on.

So now I am in search of that someone better to analyze and am offering my poem up for disection. The only thing that I would like to say first and foremost (and of course not to offend anyone!) is that I am not what I have to come to call a minimalist. I am not looking to say what I have said in a lesser amount of words ending up being a half a stanza of what some would call literary, but what I would call bare or unfinished. It's just my style to go out with long, maybe sometimes exaggerated metaphores and I like that about my writing; so please do not say that I am wasting words only because it may look a bit long for your taste.

I am seeking constructive criticism and would definitely appreciate any feedback any of you may have for this poem. Thank you tons!

And the poem...

A Shift Under Sheets

We inhale each other every third night,
which turns into every other and into every day.
We exhale orgasms and mid-stroke tremblings
just after the candle's wick runs out and smoke
starts to fill the room; mixing with the
smell of two lovers and sweat.

Tomorrow we'll go back
to our normal lives.

But we'll keep pulling each other
back onto the bed, under the rustling
of warm sheets. And we fit perfectly
into the crevices of each other, but
will disregard our feelings for just
a little while when the thought that
we're perfect for each other
makes its way through our minds.

Lets keep everything stagnant
for just a little while.

Lets allow things to stand still
so we can keep our heads clear.

But we'll keep up with the midnight meetings
until the sun comes up,
until we are able to finally close our eyes.
And you'll awake in a few hours
at most,
and start gathering your things and
running for the door.

And tomorrow we'll come back to this.

 

[TheRainMan]

Tzara left a comment on a poem of mine I did for annaswirls' 30 poems in 30 days on Dante's Inferno. To quote exactly, she said:

I meant to comment about this one the other day. I think this is remarkable. It has flaws, of course--what poem doesn't have flaws--but I think it's really good in a way that I can't really comment on it. You need someone better than me to analyze it.

I think there are flaws--don't get me wrong--but I am not the person to point them out.

You have, in my opinion, tremendous talent. You should send your stuff into the real world. Submit to, at least, online journals. You are very good.

Ah, well, and, you know. Carry on.

So now I am in search of that someone better to analyze and am offering my poem up for disection. The only thing that I would like to say first and foremost (and of course not to offend anyone!) is that I am not what I have to come to call a minimalist. I am not looking to say what I have said in a lesser amount of words ending up being a half a stanza of what some would call literary, but what I would call bare or unfinished. It's just my style to go out with long, maybe sometimes exaggerated metaphores and I like that about my writing; so please do not say that I am wasting words only because it may look a bit long for your taste.

I am seeking constructive criticism and would definitely appreciate any feedback any of you may have for this poem. Thank you tons!

And the poem...

A Shift Under Sheets

We inhale each other every third night,
which turns into every other and into every day.
We exhale orgasms and mid-stroke tremblings
just after the candle's wick runs out and smoke
starts to fill the room; mixing with the
smell of two lovers and sweat.

Tomorrow we'll go back
to our normal lives.

But we'll keep pulling each other
back onto the bed, under the rustling
of warm sheets. And we fit perfectly
into the crevices of each other, but
will disregard our feelings for just
a little while when the thought that
we're perfect for each other
makes its way through our minds.

Lets keep everything stagnant
for just a little while.

Lets allow things to stand still
so we can keep our heads clear.

But we'll keep up with the midnight meetings
until the sun comes up,
until we are able to finally close our eyes.
And you'll awake in a few hours
at most,
and start gathering your things and
running for the door.

And tomorrow we'll come back to this.

IMO, even if a writer does not want to be more minimalist when they write, a poet should keep in mind that anything that does not add, subtracts. passages that do not move the poem along do not keep the status quo, they just make for poorer reading. i also enjoyed this poem, but it does not strike me as one i would praise for any reason. i think there are many parts that do nothing for it, hence, they make it worse.

i also think, to be a good poem, the phrasing needs to be improved. it is quite ordinary in spots, so as not to shape the poem into anything i would think about reading a second time. there are many spots where the word grouping strikes me as pedestrian and, if the poem were mine, i would freshen up or reword.



rather than do a line by line, which i do not have time for, i'll do this very quickly -- i have highlighted in red the groups of words that add nothing, for me, to the poem . . . the ones i think should be removed, or somehow improved – by subtraction, or addition, or simply restating them in better ways.

editing is an art, not a science . . . you just have to do it, and see how it reads when you’re done, and do it again, and again, until you’re satisfied.

those are my quick thoughts, as i'm running out the door . . . excuse any technical errors. rushing does that.

hope this helps at least a little.




A Shift Under Sheets

We inhale each other every third night,
which turns into every other and into every day.
We exhale orgasms and mid-stroke tremblings
just after the candle's wick runs out and smoke here, i think 'just after' and 'runs out' need to be altered
starts to fill the room; mixing with the <-- poor line break . . . also incorrect use of semi-colon
smell of two lovers and sweat . . . (perhaps the simple word "us" would work better after "smell of" . . .

Tomorrow we'll go back
to our normal lives.

But we'll keep pulling each other
back onto the bed, under the rustling
of warm sheets. And we fit perfectly <-- tense problem
into the crevices of each other, but
will disregard our feelings for just
a little while when the thought that
we're perfect for each other
makes its way through our minds.

Lets keep everything stagnant Let's (also, in the next strophe)
for just a little while.

Lets allow things to stand still
so we can keep our heads clear.

But we'll keep up with the midnight meetings the 3rd repeat of the word "keep" does not work well at all, imo
until the sun comes up,
until we are able to finally close our eyes.
And you'll awake in a few hours
at most,
and start gathering your things and
running for the door.

And tomorrow we'll come back to this.

 

[arienette]

IMO, even if a writer does not want to be more minimalist when they write, a poet should keep in mind that anything that does not add, subtracts. passages that do not move the poem along do not keep the status quo, they just make for poorer reading. i also enjoyed this poem, but it does not strike me as one i would praise for any reason. i think there are many parts that do nothing for it, hence, they make it worse.

i also think, to be a good poem, the phrasing needs to be improved. it is quite ordinary in spots, so as not to shape the poem into anything i would think about reading a second time. there are many spots where the word grouping strikes me as pedestrian and, if the poem were mine, i would freshen up or reword.



rather than do a line by line, which i do not have time for, i'll do this very quickly -- i have highlighted in red the groups of words that add nothing, for me, to the poem . . . the ones i think should be removed, or somehow improved – by subtraction, or addition, or simply restating them in better ways.

editing is an art, not a science . . . you just have to do it, and see how it reads when you’re done, and do it again, and again, until you’re satisfied.

those are my quick thoughts, as i'm running out the door . . . excuse any technical errors. rushing does that.

hope this helps at least a little.




A Shift Under Sheets

We inhale each other every third night,
which turns into every other and into every day.
We exhale orgasms and mid-stroke tremblings
just after the candle's wick runs out and smoke here, i think 'just after' and 'runs out' need to be altered
starts to fill the room; mixing with the <-- poor line break . . . also incorrect use of semi-colon
smell of two lovers and sweat . . . (perhaps the simple word "us" would work better after "smell of" . . .

Tomorrow we'll go back
to our normal lives.

But we'll keep pulling each other
back onto the bed, under the rustling
of warm sheets. And we fit perfectly <-- tense problem
into the crevices of each other, but
will disregard our feelings for just
a little while when the thought that
we're perfect for each other
makes its way through our minds.

Lets keep everything stagnant Let's (also, in the next strophe)
for just a little while.

Lets allow things to stand still
so we can keep our heads clear.

But we'll keep up with the midnight meetings the 3rd repeat of the word "keep" does not work well at all, imo
until the sun comes up,
until we are able to finally close our eyes.
And you'll awake in a few hours
at most,
and start gathering your things and
running for the door.

And tomorrow we'll come back to this.

I knew the minimalist stuff was going to spark something, hence the parenthesis. But yes, I do know what you mean. Thank you for this, I noticed some stuff that I should have before but didn't until you highlighted them in red, such as me being a redundant fuck.

And as you said...
and, if the poem were mine, i would freshen up or reword.

Well that's what I'm trying to do.

 

[clutching_calliope]

.....

 

[arienette]

I'm still chuckling at Tzara being a 'she'.... (must have been that Grace Slick avatar)

Eep...woops!

Mo Willems' books are hilarious, I love them!

 

[TheRainMan]

. . . Thank you for this . . .

you're welcome.

i also think, as has been pointed out by more than one, that you're loaded with talent.

 

[arienette]

you're welcome.

i also think, as has been pointed out by more than one, that you're loaded with talent.

Nah, you have to say that.

 

[Tzara]

I'm still chuckling at Tzara being a 'she'....

I so shouldn't wear heels and nylons with a too short skirt.

 

[Sara Crewe]

I so shouldn't wear heels and nylons with a too short skirt.

Just skip the skirt. Cut to the chase, so to speak.

(Please excuse thread jacking, Ari)

 

[Maria2394]

Tzara left a comment on a poem of mine I did for annaswirls' 30 poems in 30 days on Dante's Inferno. To quote exactly, she said:

I meant to comment about this one the other day. I think this is remarkable. It has flaws, of course--what poem doesn't have flaws--but I think it's really good in a way that I can't really comment on it. You need someone better than me to analyze it.

I think there are flaws--don't get me wrong--but I am not the person to point them out.

You have, in my opinion, tremendous talent. You should send your stuff into the real world. Submit to, at least, online journals. You are very good.

Ah, well, and, you know. Carry on.

So now I am in search of that someone better to analyze and am offering my poem up for disection. The only thing that I would like to say first and foremost (and of course not to offend anyone!) is that I am not what I have to come to call a minimalist. I am not looking to say what I have said in a lesser amount of words ending up being a half a stanza of what some would call literary, but what I would call bare or unfinished. It's just my style to go out with long, maybe sometimes exaggerated metaphores and I like that about my writing; so please do not say that I am wasting words only because it may look a bit long for your taste.

I am seeking constructive criticism and would definitely appreciate any feedback any of you may have for this poem. Thank you tons!

And the poem...

A Shift Under Sheets

We inhale each other every third night,
which turns into every other and into every day.
We exhale orgasms and mid-stroke tremblings
just after the candle's wick runs out and smoke
starts to fill the room; mixing with the
smell of two lovers and sweat.

Tomorrow we'll go back
to our normal lives.

But we'll keep pulling each other
back onto the bed, under the rustling
of warm sheets. And we fit perfectly
into the crevices of each other, but
will disregard our feelings for just
a little while when the thought that
we're perfect for each other
makes its way through our minds.

Lets keep everything stagnant
for just a little while.

Lets allow things to stand still
so we can keep our heads clear.

But we'll keep up with the midnight meetings
until the sun comes up,
until we are able to finally close our eyes.
And you'll awake in a few hours
at most,
and start gathering your things and
running for the door.

And tomorrow we'll come back to this.

Hi Arienette

I just read your poem and cant for the life o f me figure out why you think anyone would rip it to shreds!! It is very good, you have some excellent images and fresh wording in there. I havent read much of you, but plan on doing so soon. If I ever get any time off work

Glad you posted it in a thread!!!!



maria

 

[arienette]

Just skip the skirt. Cut to the chase, so to speak.

(Please excuse thread jacking, Ari)

Thread jacking? Where!? That's always excusable.

 

[MyNecroticSnail]

Try writing it as a Triolet.
You have the beginning of a basis for threes.
Inhale
still
Exhale
past
present
future
Pulling
Not there (pushing)
again standing still
Center on the moment of the present.

anything that does not add, subtracts: has a tendency to, amend, sometimes it multiplies, sometimes divides.
but you are right about keep, not much play. Present may be good as an example, it can be used as either a noun, verb or gasp an adjective.


Is this making sense or is it too oblique?
Feel free to ignore, it is not bad as it is.