Okay! I admit I'm a hypocrite! Can I have my way now please?

[Chicklet]

My manhunt is not going as planned.

I think the part of me that wants to be all sophisticated and open about sex is finally doing more harm than good. Finally? Probably always I believe I'm secretly a prude deep down inside and my inner prudeness is showing it's old catholic wrinkled forhead and shaking a finger at me.

I have a major crush on this guy. We met through Collarme (okay, i meet a TON of guys *and* girls from collarme. mainly just as friends, which is how this started out) The angle we went on in was that I really want to go to the munches here in Portland (the wednesday ones, not the monday ones in vancouver) and he goes every week, and so the idea was that if we got to know each other i might be brave enough to go with him as my escort i'm sort of a coward and the idea appealed to me.

He's great! he's fun! he's also shy which is adorable, but he's opening up. We've been on a few 'dates' AND we spent all day Sunday together! And by all day I mean from 9am to 12am. And by spent the day together I mean he hogtied me for a good part of it, strung me up to a hook in his ceiling, left some fantastic marks on my backside (yes i got pictures) and although we didn't have intercourse we did just about everything else.

The thing is, he has a regular play partner in his life. They've been playing together for quite a while, and he's not planning to give her up... = \ so, when we first started talking, I thought about it, and since i didn't really have any feelings for him it was ever so easy to say "that's fine with me." - but, oh my, the jealous bitch in me is not accustomed to hiding. She's more used to showing her teeth and snarling and spitting and fighting for what she wants. And as soon as I felt a spark for this guy, I let him know that I'm maybe not as okay with the play partner thing as I thought I was.

Again with the guy being totally upfront about everything. And it's my own stupid emotions getting in my way. I wish I could be as open and lighthearted about a casual relationship as the sexually sophisticated young lady in my mind is... but, alas, I am so not.

In my defense, as soon as these issues came up, I made them clear to him. I won't sleep with someone who's sleeping with someone else. i've been waiting such a long time to feel special... i think i keep sabotaging my chances by not admitting to myself what i really want. but i can't seem to get around that block.

Thanks for noticing me.

 

[Yang4yin]

Sooooo... it's a case of enjoy what you have with him, not going any farther, and remaining "true to yourself," or cheating on yourself just to get the sex, is that about right?

Contrary to popular belief, there's nothing wrong with not being completely casual about sex.

 

[Chicklet]

Contrary to popular belief, there's nothing wrong with not being completely casual about sex.

see, i know, that's what the problem is. I KNOW there's no problem with it, but it's still just not part of my personality. I can't do it. I've tried before and it's just messed me up inside. I want someone to like me and date me and have sex with me as my boyfriend. argh.

 

[Yang4yin]

see, i know, that's what the problem is. I KNOW there's no problem with it, but it's still just not part of my personality. I can't do it. I've tried before and it's just messed me up inside. I want someone to like me and date me and have sex with me as my boyfriend. argh.

I understand what you're saying. I'm one of those old fashioned people who thinks it's a lot better when you have an emotional connection with your partner.

 

[BiBunny]

Well, I may not be the person to talk to about this, considering my own man drama at the moment, but....

B. and I started out as nothing more than casual play partners. Neither of us expected anything else from the other, especially when I found out that he had a girlfriend. It has been a crazy road for us, but somewhere along the line, we both developed feelings for one another. Of course, it's morphed into even more craziness at the moment, but if you wanna mosey on over to my "Turning Point" thread, you can see that it may finally be working out for the good of all involved.

Something to think about. Who knows what may develop?

 

[Chicklet]

well, one thing to note is that he mentioned that he would dump the play partner for a 'girlfriend' - but where do you draw the line to find out that you're the girlfriend? three dates? four dates? we've spent pretty much three days together leaving only to sleep because i don't want to have sex with someone who's sleeping with someone else and i know if i spent the night i wouldn't be able to keep my pants on

I spent two years trying to make the last guy i liked into my boyfriend... every time he walked all over my heart i'd say 'it's okay, he'll love me eventually...' - i'm scared of putting myself into that situation again.

ugh.

 

[PoeticMusings53]

well, one thing to note is that he mentioned that he would dump the play partner for a 'girlfriend' - but where do you draw the line to find out that you're the girlfriend? three dates? four dates? we've spent pretty much three days together leaving only to sleep because i don't want to have sex with someone who's sleeping with someone else and i know if i spent the night i wouldn't be able to keep my pants on

I spent two years trying to make the last guy i liked into my boyfriend... every time he walked all over my heart i'd say 'it's okay, he'll love me eventually...' - i'm scared of putting myself into that situation again.

ugh.

Common myth among women.

You're not a couple until its explicitly discussed.

 

[BiBunny]

well, one thing to note is that he mentioned that he would dump the play partner for a 'girlfriend' - but where do you draw the line to find out that you're the girlfriend? three dates? four dates? we've spent pretty much three days together leaving only to sleep because i don't want to have sex with someone who's sleeping with someone else and i know if i spent the night i wouldn't be able to keep my pants on

I spent two years trying to make the last guy i liked into my boyfriend... every time he walked all over my heart i'd say 'it's okay, he'll love me eventually...' - i'm scared of putting myself into that situation again.

ugh.

Talk to him. Not in a "Hey, are you my boyfriend yet?" kind of way, but in a "I'm trying to get a feel for the situation" kind of way. Once again, I'm probably not the person to be asking about this, LOL. Good luck to you, Chicklet.

 

[caela]

Not being casual about sex doesn't make you a hypocrite. Being jealous doesn't make you a hypocrite. You did the right thing in bringing up the issues you have with him as soon as they registered on your own radar.

I could be wrong but I basically see you as having three choices:

1) Talk to him, find out if he sees you as possible gf material or just friend/play partner material. If he can't see you as a gf anyway then you're winding yourself up over nothing because it's all a moot point. If he does then discuss actually dating exclusively.

2) Try to accept him as just a friend/play partner with no sex involved and deal with the other play partner still being a part of his life as well as the fact that you'll both likely get dumped when he does find a gf.

3) Stop talking to him altogether and don't see him again.

It's just my opinion but I'd opt for option 1. From your post it sounds like this guy has some potential and it just might be worth the conversation even if it doesn't work the way you'd like at least you'd know.

 

[catalina_francisco]

All I can add to the discussion is be careful...most mistakes we make in life (the ones which hurt or damage) are a result of repeating patterns we know exist in us, but which we keep telling ourselves 'this time it will be OK'. You can already see this could be a similar situation to the last one, so be careful with your heart and try not to fall into the same ring of fire.

Catalina

 

[Hisbabydoll26]

My manhunt is not going as planned.

I think the part of me that wants to be all sophisticated and open about sex is finally doing more harm than good. Finally? Probably always I believe I'm secretly a prude deep down inside and my inner prudeness is showing it's old catholic wrinkled forhead and shaking a finger at me.

I have a major crush on this guy. We met through Collarme (okay, i meet a TON of guys *and* girls from collarme. mainly just as friends, which is how this started out) The angle we went on in was that I really want to go to the munches here in Portland (the wednesday ones, not the monday ones in vancouver) and he goes every week, and so the idea was that if we got to know each other i might be brave enough to go with him as my escort i'm sort of a coward and the idea appealed to me.

He's great! he's fun! he's also shy which is adorable, but he's opening up. We've been on a few 'dates' AND we spent all day Sunday together! And by all day I mean from 9am to 12am. And by spent the day together I mean he hogtied me for a good part of it, strung me up to a hook in his ceiling, left some fantastic marks on my backside (yes i got pictures) and although we didn't have intercourse we did just about everything else.

The thing is, he has a regular play partner in his life. They've been playing together for quite a while, and he's not planning to give her up... = \ so, when we first started talking, I thought about it, and since i didn't really have any feelings for him it was ever so easy to say "that's fine with me." - but, oh my, the jealous bitch in me is not accustomed to hiding. She's more used to showing her teeth and snarling and spitting and fighting for what she wants. And as soon as I felt a spark for this guy, I let him know that I'm maybe not as okay with the play partner thing as I thought I was.

Again with the guy being totally upfront about everything. And it's my own stupid emotions getting in my way. I wish I could be as open and lighthearted about a casual relationship as the sexually sophisticated young lady in my mind is... but, alas, I am so not.

In my defense, as soon as these issues came up, I made them clear to him. I won't sleep with someone who's sleeping with someone else. i've been waiting such a long time to feel special... i think i keep sabotaging my chances by not admitting to myself what i really want. but i can't seem to get around that block.

Thanks for noticing me.

On a high note, at least you know yourself well enough to recognize all of this. As for stupid emotions..no such thing...you feel them so give them recognition and move on.

 

[Chicklet]

You can already see this could be a similar situation to the last one, so be careful with your heart and try not to fall into the same ring of fire.

yeah.

thanks everybody for the thoughts.

 

[Alexandra1979]

My manhunt is not going as planned.

I think the part of me that wants to be all sophisticated and open about sex is finally doing more harm than good. Finally? Probably always I believe I'm secretly a prude deep down inside and my inner prudeness is showing it's old catholic wrinkled forhead and shaking a finger at me.

I have a major crush on this guy. We met through Collarme (okay, i meet a TON of guys *and* girls from collarme. mainly just as friends, which is how this started out) The angle we went on in was that I really want to go to the munches here in Portland (the wednesday ones, not the monday ones in vancouver) and he goes every week, and so the idea was that if we got to know each other i might be brave enough to go with him as my escort i'm sort of a coward and the idea appealed to me.

He's great! he's fun! he's also shy which is adorable, but he's opening up. We've been on a few 'dates' AND we spent all day Sunday together! And by all day I mean from 9am to 12am. And by spent the day together I mean he hogtied me for a good part of it, strung me up to a hook in his ceiling, left some fantastic marks on my backside (yes i got pictures) and although we didn't have intercourse we did just about everything else.

The thing is, he has a regular play partner in his life. They've been playing together for quite a while, and he's not planning to give her up... = \ so, when we first started talking, I thought about it, and since i didn't really have any feelings for him it was ever so easy to say "that's fine with me." - but, oh my, the jealous bitch in me is not accustomed to hiding. She's more used to showing her teeth and snarling and spitting and fighting for what she wants. And as soon as I felt a spark for this guy, I let him know that I'm maybe not as okay with the play partner thing as I thought I was.

Again with the guy being totally upfront about everything. And it's my own stupid emotions getting in my way. I wish I could be as open and lighthearted about a casual relationship as the sexually sophisticated young lady in my mind is... but, alas, I am so not.

In my defense, as soon as these issues came up, I made them clear to him. I won't sleep with someone who's sleeping with someone else. i've been waiting such a long time to feel special... i think i keep sabotaging my chances by not admitting to myself what i really want. but i can't seem to get around that block.

Thanks for noticing me.

Don't worry. Just be yourself. Some people are monogamous, apparently including you. Some are not, apparently including me. That's okay. Do your own thing, sweetie. Own up to it and don't feel bad about it.

 

[graceanne]

Ok, the house finally got quiet enough for me to give your thread the attention it deserves. First off I wanna give you a *hug* and say this sucks.

Second . . ok. It seems to me . . . Ok, there are some women who can have play partners/fuck buddies/friends with benefits and it's not an issue. That's all that person will ever be. Their are other people, like me, who get emotionally attached to people they're having sex/playing with. They might not start there, but they end up there. Their's nothing wrong with either type of person, that's just the way that you are.

From what I've seen, and read of you (and I could be wrong, I know) but you are the type that gets emotionally attached to people you have sex with.

If this is true, you need to aknowledge that about yourself, and make yourself some rules with that knowledge in mind. In other words - don't play with men who you know aren't looking for a girlfriend/sub. You know what you're looking for, now don't settle for less - not even as a play partner.

As for the munches - me and K (God and babysitter willing) are going to go to the may munch. Would you like to come with us?

 

[Chicklet]

As for the munches - me and K (God and babysitter willing) are going to go to the may munch. Would you like to come with us?

which one's a monthly munch?

 

[graceanne]

which one's a monthly munch?

Um the rose city discussion club? Let me find you a link, just a sec . . .

http://www.rcdc.org/splashpage/splash.html

I have a friend who went to their last munch and he said it was great.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Okay! I admit I'm a hypocrite! Can I have my way now please?

Nooooo.... But I'll let you enjoy my having my way!

 

[MaiHy]

Aww... I've been in your bind, with the How Do I Know I'm Not Repeating Past Mistakes Here? vicious cycle wheel going in the head. I wish you luck, dear! Mismatched/unclear expectations always suck.

 

[Chicklet]

it's saturday night, i'm alone, and i'm frustrated >< and my crush is having sex with someone else right now.

 

[FurryFury]

it's saturday night, i'm alone, and i'm frustrated >< and my crush is having sex with someone else right now.

Wow that sux!

*HUGS*

Fury

 

[midwestyankee]

it's saturday night, i'm alone, and i'm frustrated >< and my crush is having sex with someone else right now.

This sucketh big time.

 

[Chicklet]

*bangs head on desk a bit*

 

[Alexandra1979]

it's saturday night, i'm alone, and i'm frustrated >< and my crush is having sex with someone else right now.

Belated hugs and kisses.

 

[SweetGigi]

Is this the same guy you're 'primping' for in the other thread?


how are things going with him??

 

[Chicklet]

well, basically, we're head over heels for each other.

he is reluctant to drop this other chick on her head because they've been 'together' so long - and since they've basically discovered the bdsm community here together, all their kinky friends are mutual friends. so he doesn't want to have a big break up thing that results in either of them getting blackballed from certain events, or splits up their friendships.

but yeah he's crazy about me. so he had 'the talk' with her monday: told her it's coming to an end, he's found someone he likes and they can't be together anymore. she's sad, but accepting it. he's promised that she will not be in the picture in two weeks, but he's not just going to drop her right away. easing her out of it, or something. he says easing her, but i know he's having to ease himself as well. they're close. i hate breaking them up, but i'm not sticking around for half of someone i like. he's unhappy that he has to hurt her, which makes it hard for him to give me the affirmation i need pretty much constantly about the situation - it's hard for someone who's going to be sad about one thing or another to comfort the person who's also feeling bad but for different reasons. same reason i can't really comfort him for ditching her.

basically, their friendship is REALLY going to change, and he's sort of mourning what he's losing. but he also acknowledges that it was probably inevitable. change just pretty much sucks.

i'm really excited about him. he seems really excited about me. and i went out and bought a 2 inch wide really thick plastic ruler for when i get my new white socks