Ok my turn
- Thread starter Fairytat
- Start date
KatPurrs
Literotica Guru
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- Jul 24, 2001
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Fairytat
Hello Fairytat,
.
Thank you for sharing your poem. I have a few things to say about it. Please keep in mind that I am a novice, so consider the source.
First off.....DON'T DO IT!!!!!!! lol.....but I mean it. (just in case)
I loved the imagery. The line "reaching out to caress your naked flesh and encounter cold sheets instead" really spoke to me. Actually, the entire poem spoke to me. I think we all understand how bitterness can blot out the good times...the reason we were attracted in the first place. Nice job!
I would have done some of the line breaks differently, ending them more with a complete thought but I'm not so sure I do them to their best advantage anyway.
The final thing, and I know this is steering you in the right direction, is that you need to change "then" to "than" in the last line.
Thanks for sharing!
KatPurrs~
Hello Fairytat,
.
Thank you for sharing your poem. I have a few things to say about it. Please keep in mind that I am a novice, so consider the source.
First off.....DON'T DO IT!!!!!!! lol.....but I mean it. (just in case)
I loved the imagery. The line "reaching out to caress your naked flesh and encounter cold sheets instead" really spoke to me. Actually, the entire poem spoke to me. I think we all understand how bitterness can blot out the good times...the reason we were attracted in the first place. Nice job!
I would have done some of the line breaks differently, ending them more with a complete thought but I'm not so sure I do them to their best advantage anyway.
The final thing, and I know this is steering you in the right direction, is that you need to change "then" to "than" in the last line.
Thanks for sharing!
KatPurrs~
Fairytat
Really Experienced
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- Mar 15, 2002
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- 233
Dear Katpurrs,
Hehe don't worry Im not thinking of suicide. When I wrote this a year ago I put the last line in there for spite (petty I know). My then boyfriend (the "you" of the poem) was reading it and I was punishing him for some imagined slight. Yes, extremely stupid of me. My behavior around him was one of the reasons I finally had enough; I wasn't acting my age but more like a 12-year-old. I've pared it down since then and tried tightening it more but I've yet to come to a satisfactory resolution. I suppose I should write a totally new poem for my class but this is something I still think about (except for slitting my wrists--I hate the sight of blood heh). Thanks for your feedback
Hehe don't worry Im not thinking of suicide. When I wrote this a year ago I put the last line in there for spite (petty I know). My then boyfriend (the "you" of the poem) was reading it and I was punishing him for some imagined slight. Yes, extremely stupid of me. My behavior around him was one of the reasons I finally had enough; I wasn't acting my age but more like a 12-year-old. I've pared it down since then and tried tightening it more but I've yet to come to a satisfactory resolution. I suppose I should write a totally new poem for my class but this is something I still think about (except for slitting my wrists--I hate the sight of blood heh). Thanks for your feedback
Raven Wilde
Experienced
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- Mar 10, 2002
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I really liked the your poem, it sends a very powerful message that reminds me much of myself. Many of the fears expressed are shared by myself, especially the stanza about not feeling good enough for anothers expectations.
About the only problem I had with it was the switch from forgetting why I love you to talking about slitting your wrists. The rest of the poem seems to flow but there it is kind of choppy. There again, If you added it afterwards, it is understandable.
All in all, a great poem. (by the way I am also glad to hear you are not thinking of suicide)
About the only problem I had with it was the switch from forgetting why I love you to talking about slitting your wrists. The rest of the poem seems to flow but there it is kind of choppy. There again, If you added it afterwards, it is understandable.
All in all, a great poem. (by the way I am also glad to hear you are not thinking of suicide)
christcat69
Supergrrrl
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- Feb 19, 2002
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Where should I begin?
Very enlightening. A poem you could probably write infinitely. Mortality has always been my greatest fear but more, perhaps the morality of the ones I care for. It's very empowering for having such a dark subject. It definitely opens ones eyes to their own mortality. Reality is often bleak and shallow until you change it.
Very enlightening. A poem you could probably write infinitely. Mortality has always been my greatest fear but more, perhaps the morality of the ones I care for. It's very empowering for having such a dark subject. It definitely opens ones eyes to their own mortality. Reality is often bleak and shallow until you change it.
daughter
Dreamer
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2001
- Posts
- 1,561
critique
fairytat--
There's a lot I like here. The imagery and language is strongest beginning with S3. You have some obvious, minor errors with punctuation. There are places where you sound like 12 and I dislike that most given the skill I recognize in your writing. The last strophe is melodrama. The boy is gone, and I hope you lose this strophe, too.
Some thoughts below for you to toss or use. Hope you find something useful in my comments. () add [] delete
Im afraid of many things:
Like going to sleep without
you curled around me, surrounding
my body with your heated touch.
***'heated' is overused and ordinary. Consider a better way to express this feeling.
I lie awake at night reaching out
to caress your naked flesh [and] encounter
cold sheets instead.
***Are you having a ufo experience--'encounter' ? You're heavy with the gerrunds. Make up your mind, verbs or adjectives. Gerrunds are chameleons.
I am afraid that my next lover will find
fault with my hair --- shorn six inches
too short ---
my white breasts with nipples
***What about your breasts? what's wrong with their color? You describe them. Is the reader to infer that the contrast is undesireable?
colored brown by foreign ancestors,
and, curls I cant quite seem to keep inside the
recommended bikini line.
***Again you give an image. What if he doesn't mind picture perfect lines? Detail the issue here.
I am afraid that my belly will swell with
a stranger's seed, the names of our
unborn children(will) stain[ing] the pages of
a forgotten notebook at the bottom
of my wicker hope chest.
****kickass strophe. You come off mature. The image and sentiment is interesting.
I am afraid that the bitterness of our last
fight will remain with me, blotting out
the good times and giving me the excuse
to forget why I love you.
***Good. Sap without throwing me into a diabetic coma.
Yet(,) I am most afraid of knowing you must
slit your wrists the length of the vein rather
then across it.
***Ick. Adds nothing but unnecessary drama. Detracts. Balaced drama was in the proceeding S, don't throw this into overdrive. The title is weak. There's where you could use some drama. The title should support the text. This isn't about not being touched. It's about loss, fear, breach in a relationship. The title should say that.
Thanks for the read.
Peace,
daughter
fairytat--
There's a lot I like here. The imagery and language is strongest beginning with S3. You have some obvious, minor errors with punctuation. There are places where you sound like 12 and I dislike that most given the skill I recognize in your writing. The last strophe is melodrama. The boy is gone, and I hope you lose this strophe, too.
Some thoughts below for you to toss or use. Hope you find something useful in my comments. () add [] delete
Im afraid of many things:
Like going to sleep without
you curled around me, surrounding
my body with your heated touch.
***'heated' is overused and ordinary. Consider a better way to express this feeling.
I lie awake at night
to caress your naked flesh [and] encounter
cold sheets instead.
***Are you having a ufo experience--'encounter' ? You're heavy with the gerrunds. Make up your mind, verbs or adjectives. Gerrunds are chameleons.
I am afraid that my next lover will find
fault with my hair --- shorn six inches
too short ---
my white breasts with nipples
***What about your breasts? what's wrong with their color? You describe them. Is the reader to infer that the contrast is undesireable?
colored brown by foreign ancestors,
and, curls I cant quite seem to keep inside the
recommended bikini line.
***Again you give an image. What if he doesn't mind picture perfect lines? Detail the issue here.
I am afraid that my belly will swell with
a stranger's seed, the names of our
unborn children(will) stain[ing] the pages of
a forgotten notebook at the bottom
of my wicker hope chest.
****kickass strophe. You come off mature. The image and sentiment is interesting.
I am afraid that the bitterness of our last
fight will remain with me, blotting out
the good times and giving me the excuse
to forget why I love you.
***Good. Sap without throwing me into a diabetic coma.
Yet(,) I am most afraid of knowing you must
slit your wrists the length of the vein rather
then across it.
***Ick. Adds nothing but unnecessary drama. Detracts. Balaced drama was in the proceeding S, don't throw this into overdrive. The title is weak. There's where you could use some drama. The title should support the text. This isn't about not being touched. It's about loss, fear, breach in a relationship. The title should say that.
Thanks for the read.
Peace,
daughter
Fairytat
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2002
- Posts
- 233
daughter--
See, that's why I posted. I'm not very objective when it comes to my own work (who really can be) and many of the things you pointed out are things that I thought about but couldn't bring myself to cut. Some of the language difference here is due, in a large part, that I cut it down temendously and kept in my favorite parts or lines that I thought worked. Obviously, I didn't tighten as much as I had hoped but that's what roughdrafts are for. Yes, Im fully aware the ending is horrible and overdramatic. I left it in when I posted even though I have since cut it from my (even more) edited assignment version. You have also pointed out things I hadn't even noticed -- such as missing punctuation lol. Thank you for giving me a lot of food for thought and helping me see even more possiblities.
See, that's why I posted. I'm not very objective when it comes to my own work (who really can be) and many of the things you pointed out are things that I thought about but couldn't bring myself to cut. Some of the language difference here is due, in a large part, that I cut it down temendously and kept in my favorite parts or lines that I thought worked. Obviously, I didn't tighten as much as I had hoped but that's what roughdrafts are for. Yes, Im fully aware the ending is horrible and overdramatic. I left it in when I posted even though I have since cut it from my (even more) edited assignment version. You have also pointed out things I hadn't even noticed -- such as missing punctuation lol. Thank you for giving me a lot of food for thought and helping me see even more possiblities.
christcat69
Supergrrrl
- Joined
- Feb 19, 2002
- Posts
- 1,458
Fairytat
I think you benefit from not using the word slick. You use "cool" or "cold" very well to set the imagery. It makes you feel cold inside and I think the word slick takes away from the mood. Too much.
"I am afraid the bitterness of our last fight will blot out the good times and give me the excuse to forget why I love you."
I like this line but I think that instead of blot you should utilize a word more suiting the mood of the poem. I personally like the word void. Otherwise, beautifully put. Overall, I like it. I especially like the "hope(less) chest". The mood is a bit darker now, feeling more real.
I think you benefit from not using the word slick. You use "cool" or "cold" very well to set the imagery. It makes you feel cold inside and I think the word slick takes away from the mood. Too much.
"I am afraid the bitterness of our last fight will blot out the good times and give me the excuse to forget why I love you."
I like this line but I think that instead of blot you should utilize a word more suiting the mood of the poem. I personally like the word void. Otherwise, beautifully put. Overall, I like it. I especially like the "hope(less) chest". The mood is a bit darker now, feeling more real.
Fairytat
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2002
- Posts
- 233
Thank you.
The "wicker hope(less) chest" came from when I nearly burned it because I was so hurt and frustrated over my relationship (the lengths men drive us to sometimes.) Yes, I was wishy-washy about the "blot" portion but couldn't really think of a word that I wanted to use. I used "slick cool" just 'cause I like the way it sounded.
On the other hand, I also want to get rid of any unnecessary words or phrases that detract from the overall piece. Im glad it is much darker because I feel this tone almost matches the feelings/hell I was going through at the time I originally penned it. I've been editing it on and off for nearly one and a half years so I hope to eventually be able to put it behind me.
The "wicker hope(less) chest" came from when I nearly burned it because I was so hurt and frustrated over my relationship (the lengths men drive us to sometimes
.) Yes, I was wishy-washy about the "blot" portion but couldn't really think of a word that I wanted to use. I used "slick cool" just 'cause I like the way it sounded. On the other hand, I also want to get rid of any unnecessary words or phrases that detract from the overall piece. Im glad it is much darker because I feel this tone almost matches the feelings/hell I was going through at the time I originally penned it. I've been editing it on and off for nearly one and a half years so I hope to eventually be able to put it behind me.
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