Ok - I'll be your target

[Louise_Loves]

My first story is now posted.

A second installment is submitted. A third will be on the way soon.

 

[reignophelia]

Oh, ok the second installment is on it's way. *Ophelia watches the clock intensely.*

Great story. I left my comment when I voted.

 

[starrkers]

It's not so much a story as a scene.

I enjoyed the scene you painted.

But it jarred against the introduction.

The references to past ill treatment are stark and vivid but pointless. They are never again mentioned, elaborated on or explained.

I should have liked to hear her thoughts more, particularly after that intro para.

I look forward to seeing the continuation.

 

[yukonnights]

I liked it. It grabbed my interest quickly and kept me going to the end.

Like other's have said, it is just a scene, but I assume that is what you intended. It was a good hook. I think you were able to express that there were deeper emotions involved than just the sex, and that was done with a minimum of words. (I usually use too many words to say too little.) Looking forward to getting to know more about these two.

 

[MarshAlien]

If this is a first chapter, as your first post implies, I would let readers know that right up front. Call it "First Time with Maggie, Ch. 01." Because judged solely on its own merits, it does suffer from the problems that starrkers identified, namely, that the beginning has nothing to do with the rest of the piece. I liked the alliteration of the last line of the first paragraph, but I wanted to know more about the disorientation, and you didn't deliver here. You hinted at it a few more times early on (such as when Maggie understands Louise's remark about never having been called "sunshine"), but that just heightened my frustration.

I didn't like the second paragraph. The image of a grown woman rubbing her eyes before saying a loving "good morning" seemed wrong, and there should have been a period rather than a comma before the dialogue (because there's no attributive verb, like "said").

Once you get into the love-making, the story flows at a nice, gentle pace. Disclaiming any knowledge at all of the subject matter, I nonetheless felt that it was a very real description of lesbian love-making, with one exception. I didn't like "pressed against the rising humidity of my sex." I found myself stopping and thinking, "humidity? Can you really press something against humidity?" And although I understood what you meant, having a reader stop like that to wonder about your imagery, rather than merely accepting it, is perhaps not what you want.

The last line seemed like overkill. She slept peacefully for the first time in her life? For the last ten or twenty years, sure. But I think you overreached a little here, and it leaves the piece ending on a note of incredulity.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Yeah, Starrkers is correct. This is more a viginette than a story. I is quite well done though. Next time I'd like to see you spend a little more time on plot development.

 

[Louise_Loves]

Thanks for the comments

I wasn't sure if I'd be writing any follow-ups, so I didn't add the "Ch. 1". Is it possible to edit the title at this point?

LL

 

[starrkers]

Yes. You need to resubmit with the new title, everything else the same as it was (unless you want to fix any typos etc) and the word EDITED in the title field as well.
Make it clear in the notes section what you want changed. Laurel will do the rest and swap the new for the old. Your votes, comments and score will transfer to the new version.