OK I need help spiceing this one up HELP!

[grumpymann]

There is more to it but here is where it feels off


Tossing them over my shoulder I slid off the bed, my knees on the floor I begin to lick my way up her left leg, swirling little circles as I skulked my way up to the place where I can smell the musky odor of her pussy. I can see the glistening juices drip from her pussy onto the bed soaking it. I retrace my route back down the other leg to her toes. I suck them in to my mouth. I greedily, hungrily I devoured them.

Her hips arch off the bed as she humps and grinds her ravenous mound against the bed. It’s almost too much for my lust addled mind. My hands grip the thin material of my shirt and pull it off, next the pants and finally the boxers. I’m standing there in the suit that God gave me on my birth.

Laura stares at me with a look of famished passion, her hair partiality covering her face.

I stalk my way back to the bed and skulk my way back up her body. Slowly purposefully, relentlessly, I know that there is no way I can keep the look of craving from my face how can I? Craving for her is all there is in my heart.

I plant my lips on hers, a kiss that takes my breath away. I feel my dick brush against her slippery pussy and a thrill runs from the tip of my shaft to up my spine and into my brain. I press myself to her again. Her breathing is full in my face as we kiss like starving animals. Grunts and groans rush from both of our lips and intermingle in the air. I’m heady with her presence.

I slide along her and she turns with her back to me I lay with my shaft in the cress of her ass I can feel the juice has migrated across her body. Our mouths still pressed together, tongues twining about each other. My hand comes to rest on her tit the nipple falls between my fingers. I close my fingers in it as I grasp the fleshy loveliness. Undulate my body on hers, I use my leg to part hers. I snake my hand down her body enjoying the smoothness of her skin as I move my way to her sopping wet sex. I trail my fingers to her shaven lips as I tickle and tease my way in side.

First my middle finger running it across the upper part of her hidden sex, as I slip in and out slowly. I keep it up as I continue to hump her from behind, In and out slowly and relentlessly. Pumping in and out as I cress her engorged clit. In no time at all another finger joins it. I quicken my pace as I increase the pressure.

Faster and faster till my hand is a blur and the sound of the motion fills the air.

Her breath in coming quicker, her body is beginning to shake, I can feel the small tremors as they begin to build and build, her grunting is growing in pace with my motions, her hips buck I can feel it like a freight train unstoppable, undeniable, inevitable, unavoidable. Her mouth rips away from mine; she presses her face into the pillow as she explodes.

I hold her tight but it is hard she rides a tilde wave of pure lust. Her body convulses, her hips buck uncontrollably as she screams into the pillow! Not a soft mewing or even a series of satisfied grunts, but a throat ripping roar that shakes the walls around us!

I kiss her neck as the wave subsides and her breath slowly regulates it’s self.

When she seems calm I brush the hair from her face with her wetness still clinging to my fingers. She sucks them cleaning the juice from my fingers, the sound is at once sloppy and exciting.

I make room for her and turn her to face me, first I think it is her own sweat and love juice that coats her face, but it its tears.

Weather it is from joy or ecstasy I don’t know. I kiss them away; the taste of salt on my lips is refreshing.

I roll my self onto her. Her legs spread seemingly of their own accord. My hands stray to her hair. Once again my mouth meets hers. She wraps her arms about me, holding my close. My member jumps when it comes in contact with her again. I press myself up on one arm as my other hand snakes its way between us. I brush the moisture in search of myself. I sit back on my knees her legs bend at their own knees and fly open.

I take the tip and rub it lightly up and down her slit. She thrusts her hips up at me trying to swallow me. But I keep up my teaseling. At every attempt I thwart her and keep teasing. I’m drawing out the ardor she has kept deep inside for me for all this time.

Eventually I give her a bit more pressure. Only a bit at a time, her hips begin to bounce off of the bed in a vain attempt entreat me to enter her. Her face is covered in sweat and love juices, those green eyes that I love so much are wild like a feral thing.

I lay on her again my mouth going to her nipple I suck it in and my member falls so close to her sex. I lick suck and bite the little button escalating, fanning the fire with in her. I press myself just outside of her lips, slowly, inch by inch with aching unhurriedness I begin to slip in. she moans loud and long. Not all the way I take my time continuing the tease, the dance. Inching closer, closer, till in an instant of pure pleasure that she has been seeking for so long.

I’m all the way in. Again she begins to cry but I can see from the look on her face it is from joy, maybe even triumph. She begins to shake and shudder again but only for a moment. The orgasm she has is a small one compared with the ear splitting one she had only a few moments ago. But some how I think this one is so much more satisfying. I know it is for me.

Again I move slowly, almost slightly, barely in and out of her. My arms meander so that I hold her under her shoulders. I bury my face in her neck. Breathing in her scent mixed with the smell of sex cum and her perfume I begin amplify my movements.

But I realize what I’m doing.

I’m not here for a scene, to have sex, or even to fuck. I’m here to make Love to the woman I Love.

And that is just what I do. I rise from my reclining position so that I can see her face, onto one hand and stare into those eyes of green. First there I see hunger behind the tears, but I keep on searching. Next I’m met by a slight bewilderment at what it is I want. Then another tear slides from the edge of her eye, and slowly I see it, what I was searching for I see understanding and agreement.

We begin to move as one. Up slowly, then down, up slowly, then down again. No need for that slight awkwardness that happens before you get into a rhythm. We are in time.

A little faster now as if our hearts are setting the tempo.

I slide in, and the feeling of being inside of her, is unlike it has ever been with any other woman.

Warm, Close, Wet, Safe. As of nothing can touch me… us here. Not the rain outside, the millions of people, who envy us at this moment not even the look.

I come out again, her hands stray along my back up to my neck. The feeling of her fingers on my skin thrills me like never before. I keep retreating till I’m almost out.

I hold there I feel the cold, like the absence of her in my life. She doesn’t rise to meet me she too sits still almost as if she understands.

I’m sure she dose.

My fingers tangle in her hair again.

Then back down and in. So slow, so deep, so satisfying, so… right.

I hear a heart beat it’s not mine it’s too slow, too slow for hers as well I can feel it through my chest. Then I realize it is the music again. And old song “Somebody” by Depeche Mode. Share my innermost thoughts / Know my intimate details. And I realize I have just that.

We keep it up, building the pace of our bodied, out hearts. I kiss her again.

Most likely the sweetest kiss I have or ever will have. We begin to circle my hips. I’m not sure but I think we both decided it would feel good at the same time, and it dose.

In and out round and round we move as one the pace the passion climbing higher. We kiss we smile.

We make love. Time stands still. Time slips by. Time flies when you’re having fun. An hour, a day, a life time, an instant, it doesn’t matter.

This is what I wanted.

This, to make love to her, all those months ago when I walked up to her door to get that CD, not the music of the CD but the music of her soul.

Thinking of music strangely my mind floats to what is playing.

When I hear the opening notes of what is playing I begin to cry.

Her legs are wrapped around my waist my hands on her hips. I use strength that I rarely show. I pull us to a sitting position. Pistoning in and out of her I begin to sing.


Love, I get so lost, sometimes
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
When I want to run away
I drive off in my car
But whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

My heart is racing; I can’t find the air to breath. As we speed towards heaven. But some where I can still find the breath to sing.

And all my instincts, they return
And the grand facade, so soon will burn
Without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

A sigh comes from her. Faster she forces her self down on to me; her head is laying on my shoulder her face in my neck kissing me.


In your eyes
The light the heat
In your eyes
I am complete
In your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
In your eyes
The resolution of all the fruitless searches
In your eyes
I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
The heat I see in your eyes

Her face meets mine I look into her eyes, green and deep, so full of love and I can see that she is close. I can feel it in her body as she begins to stiffen. I kiss her again. I want to keep kissing her but there is something I have to tell her.

I brake the kiss and I see that she is crying, I don’t seem to care I have to tell her.

“I Love you.” I whisper my face only a hairs breath from hers.

But she can’t answer she is moaning now, close so close.

I sing on.

Love, I don't like to see so much pain
So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away


She stops me, her mouth on mine, her breath mixing with mine her moans echoing in side of my lips, inside of my soul.

Her grip tightens around my waist and squeezes my chest making it even harder for me to breath. I can feel it mounting; it starts in the back of my head. It zips to my chest.

She tosses her head back her hair flies every witch way. Her neck is right there I can’t help myself I bite it taking the soft flesh in my teeth. My hands move of their own accord and grasp her hair. A throaty gurgle erupts from her, I can feel it as much as I can hear it.

Tighter she squeezes my chest with her arms, tighter she squeezes my waist with her legs. And finally tighter she squeezes me with the walls of her gripping pussy. I’m compressed. There is no way I can breath. Where did she get the strength? I don’t care.

I pump even harder, using my arms on her sides to press her even closer to me, to get even deeper in to her.

She starts to shake… no that is too tame she convulses her hips bucking, neck jerking so hard I’m forced to let go of her hair. Every time a wave hits her another wordless screech discharges from between her gnashing teeth past her curling lips and blasts me in the face. But I can barely hear her from the blood in my own ears. Laura shimmies so hard I can’t hold her up right she jolts from my grasp and onto the bed where she continues to quake.

And I continue to drive myself into her. I can’t stop now. I too am close. No not close.

There.

I flop onto her eyes shut tight so tight I see colors. But they are nothing compared to the sparks I see and feel.

I still can’t seem to stop, on and on I go pressing the boundaries of pleasure. My skin feels like I’m on fire. I’m burning I’m burning where ever she touches me. Every nerve in my skin is bare. The very air is electric.

She’s holding my now tighter that before I didn’t think it was possible but some how she dose.

Then there is silence. At least in my head in my body, in the air are the last notes of Peter Gariel’s “In Your Eyes”.

The African like beat, the wailing, and his oh so European voice seem to be a perfect fit with the mingling of my black skin on her white body.

I hear her talking from some where.

“I love you too” she says as the last shudders leave her body and voice.


I collapse next to her air heaving in and out of my lungs a buzzing in my ears and a joy in my heart.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

grumpymann,

Here's some very "off the top of my head" type ideas.

IMHO, you've fallen into the "insert tab a into slot b" syndrom. The passage tells a lot about what the guy is doing, but not so much what is happening between the couple.

In the first paragraph "I" appears eight times. That's always a problem with first person, but it can be overcome. The trick with first person is to tell the reader what is happening, not what the POV character is doing.

At the end of this I'm going to cut and paste one of my first person sex scenes. Not as an example of excellence or how it should be done but to show another way it might be done.

I'd also suggest you go to the Awards forum, and check out the Reader's Choice awards, especially the category for most innovative sex scene (I think). Check out all the nominees. I know Thesandman's is in first person. You can also look at winners and nominees of past contests. Do the same thing, look for stories in first person and see how those writers handled the situation.

Writing sex scenes (and fight scenes) are two of the hardest things in fiction (humor is the toughest). I first started hanging around here just hoping to improve my sex scene writing (my performance was/is beyond hope.)

Feel free to PM me or leave comments here.

Rumple Foreskin

==

Nurse Nailed
black orderly (POV), white nurse
after work in the back seat of his car

--

Like I’ve said, it’s important for a dude to maintain his cool, so I kept kissing her until I couldn’t wait any longer. Breaking the kiss, I raised up slightly, and slapped on my best smile. I wanted to watch her reaction when my big, black Johnson sliced fast and deep into that blonde-haired pussy.

To make sure I had a clear shot, I gently lifted and spread her legs. She didn’t object, just scooted around a little to get comfortable. We stayed in that position for a minute, body-on-body, hip-to-hip, motionless and expectant. I could see the lust in her eyes, smell the aroma of need mixed with her perfume, and feel her warm, pale skin shivering with excitement. This chick wanted it bad.

But so did I. And being a real gent, I didn’t want to keep her waiting. The moment old Roscoe plunged into her body I saw her face scrunch up and heard her gasp. When he hit the inner most recesses of her pussy, she shuddered, her head jerked back, her lips formed a small "O" and she moaned, “Oh, yes.” I’d been right about her body. There might not be much of it, but what she did have was prime and able to handle every inch I could give.

I paused while her pussy clutched around the entire length of my hard, dark meat. There was no rush and I wanted to savor it all: The sensation of her tight pussy squeezing my Johnson, The feel of her warm, agile little body under me, and maybe most of all, the sounds of her soft moans and quick breaths as she waited for me to start pounding into that smooth, creamy flesh.

But it was impossible to stay still so I didn’t keep her waiting for long. I began pumping old Roscoe in and out of that juicy, blonde snatch, listening as she let out a cries that sounded like pure passion. Wrapping her arms and legs around my body, she began matching my downward plunges with equally urgent, upward thrusts of her own. Within seconds, I could tell she was having a mind blowing orgasm.

I didn't slow down to let her savor the afterglow, just kept pounding my hammer into her. Before I knew what was happening, she started coming again. The feel of that dynamite little bod twisting and shaking under me was fucking fantastic. I never wanted to stop, just keep nailing her hard and fast until she either begged for mercy or I died in the saddle with a big grin on my face.

By now I could tell she’d lost track of everything but the feel of old Roscoe making like a jackhammer in and out of her silky snatch. I lifted my upper body off her and watched in amazement as she began having one quick orgasm after another. I’d never known any chick, black or white, who did that.

During one climax, she was moaning and tossing her head from side to side while her fingers dug at my back. The moment after that one peaked, she gasped and her body jerked hard. I couldn’t believe it. This chick was having another one. This time her pussy squeezed so hard, it nearly forced me out of that slippery little hole.

The feeling was so great it started me building toward my own orgasm. But this was such an incredible fuck, I wanted the enjoy it a little longer. So I changed my position, then began using long, slow strokes.

Maybe it was the new position, maybe the new pace, but suddenly her arms were wrapped around my neck and she was hugging me close, moaning, “Oh, yes. Oh, Leroy-yes!” while thrusting her hips up to met my every stroke.

Hearing her say my name like that was too much. It triggered a humongous surge of passion that made a joke out of my trying to keep from coming. For the first time ever, I could appreciate the old line about, "cracking your nuts." Mine seemed to explode and I felt my load surging down my shaft, then erupt deep inside her marvelous, clutching cunt.

Meanwhile, she must have been having her own mother of an orgasm. The pressure inside her pussy became unbelievable. When she shouted, “Oh, yes!” it sounded like she’d just won the lottery. Her hips sprang off the car seat as her body became a stiff bow. I grabbed her hips and with one final lunge, drilled old Roscoe in deep and hard as the last of my cum poured into her hot, churning pussy.

I’ve got no idea how long we stayed locked together like that. But finally she sighed and slumped back onto the car seat. A moment later, I lost all control over my body and collapsed on top of her. Like I said before, I’m a whole lot bigger but she didn’t complain. Instead, she slowly stroked my sweaty back while we both tried to recover.