pabloback
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2001
- Posts
- 8,255
A bird runs into a police station.
"Officer I've been graped."
"Don't you mean raped madam?"
"No, there was a whole bunch of them."
***************************************************************
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted
***************************************************************
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
don't
start anything."
***************************************************************
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve
food in
here."
***************************************************************
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
***************************************************************
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
***************************************************************
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony
was
rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
**************************************************************
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
***************************************************************
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
***************************************************************
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not
unusual."
****************************************************************
Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I
don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
********************************************************************
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
********************************************************************
Answer phone message,
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
********************************************************************
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog
up
and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm
going
to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?
"No, because he's really heavy"
************************************************************************
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
dad or
my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
think it's
Colin.
**************************************************************************
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the
steaks
are too high.'
*************************************************************************
My friend nearly drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
currant.
*************************************************************************
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
**************************************************************************
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
**************************************************************************
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
**************************************************************************
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
"Officer I've been graped."
"Don't you mean raped madam?"
"No, there was a whole bunch of them."
***************************************************************
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted
***************************************************************
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
don't
start anything."
***************************************************************
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve
food in
here."
***************************************************************
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
***************************************************************
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
***************************************************************
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony
was
rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
**************************************************************
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
***************************************************************
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
***************************************************************
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not
unusual."
****************************************************************
Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I
don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
********************************************************************
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
********************************************************************
Answer phone message,
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
********************************************************************
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog
up
and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm
going
to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?
"No, because he's really heavy"
************************************************************************
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
dad or
my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
think it's
Colin.
**************************************************************************
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the
steaks
are too high.'
*************************************************************************
My friend nearly drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
currant.
*************************************************************************
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
**************************************************************************
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
**************************************************************************
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
**************************************************************************
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
