Oh Oh please, someone quick

[echoes_s]

Please tell me if this makes any sense, or am I losing my mind?

Just for a sec...serious

Okay guys,
I’m gonna do a checklist
and gasp I made a mistake
a common denunciation of
the English Language.

I expressed a lazy side of me
perhaps how it even sounds
when I say it sometimes.
I am human like
everyone else,
no matter how small the heart.

I am going to stop riding the waves
of joy you keep sending me on
constantly
throughout my life
since I have met you
and the complete
and utter love of
your life.

the joy
a brat
so sweet
and loveable
who reminds me of a
swan, singing in the lake
reflection all around her
a slight ripple flowing about
as she stretches her feathered soft wings
and straightens her neck
in one motion
and back down in the same ripple

How can I thank you.
That you have constantly kept
me so embraced
not pushing, but
yet…

and I am a duck…
awkward and noisy
but, almost contained wildness
just a hint
sometimes
when you look in her eyes
could turn mischievous
always loving
but the wildness is fear
anamilistic

you could be chasing her
she, scared
and hides
then you look
to see her frolicking in the field
after a butterfly
and she is off

do you like riding with her?

feel the wind
the freedom
this flare, so unpredictable
sometimes
but always loving
she grows up, and is just as beautiful
as you two?
That joy wave
simple

Serious, how can
I
thank you for this?

 

[thenry]

Please tell me if this makes any sense, or am I losing my mind?

I'm going to go ahead and cash out an opinion here, though I'm not sure what you may mean by "sense."

The poem begins many threads, none of which are satisfactorily concluded for me, however, there is enough in common with the progression of beginnings that some kind of narrative is conveyed. The gift of a child from someone you sometimes feel you've forgotten. It's a nice expression.

 

[echoes_s]

Thanks thenry!
The poem, then, needs more foundation and direction...
It is about an elderly couple who has taken me under their wing, adopted parents and are teaching me stability, direction, trust, friendship and caring.
He being a fountain of humor, knowledge and strength and honesty,
and her, grace, beauty of self, inner and outer, honesty and humor also,
and I am this clomping wild awkward duck.

Much work needed.
Again thank you for your response, my mind was really scatter and today I didnt know if it was even worth saving or if there was something in there.

 

[BooMerengue]

Echoes? Would you be offended if I rework this as if it were my own?

I like it... but I agree w/ Thenry... a little scattery!

 

[echoes_s]

Echoes? Would you be offended if I rework this as if it were my own?

I like it... but I agree w/ Thenry... a little scattery!

Not at all Boo, my concentration is way off...as if no one could tell

I see and feel the potential in this poem, but ...

 

[BooMerengue]

*shaking and stuttering here...

Critiqing(sp?) someones work is VERY tough. I don't mind doing the Stories here, but poetry is so much more delicate. And this wee, small voice keeps yelling "WTF do you think you are?!"

So...

Echoes- if I offend please tell me. And anyone else, also.

OK... Here it is...

Okay guys, I’m gonna do a checklist
and gasp! I made a mistake,
a common denunciation of the English Language.

I expressed a lazy side of me.
perhaps how it sounds when I say it sometimes.
I am human like everyone else,
no matter how small my heart.

I am going to stop riding the waves
of joy you send me on constantly
throughout my life since I met you and became
the complete and utter love of your life.


A brat so sweet and loveable
who reminds me of a swan, singing in the lake reflection.
All around me a slight ripple flowing about
as I stretch my feathered soft wings
and straightens my neck in one motion.


How can I thank you?
You have constantly kept me so embraced.
Not pushing, but yet…

I am a duck, awkward and noisy
My wildness almost contained.
Just a hint sometimes when you look in my eyes.
At once mischievous, yet always loving.
but the anamilistic wildness is fear.


You chase me and I hide, scared.
Then you see me frolicking in the field
after a butterfly! And I am off, again!

Do you like riding with me? Feeling the wind,
the freedom. This flare, so unpredictable
sometimes but always loving.
I grow up, and am just as beautiful as you two!

Seriously, how can I thank you for this?

 

[echoes_s]

Dearest, sweetest Boo,
You didnt offend me at all.

I still question the first two stanza's...they almost seem irrelevant to the poem, perhaps another poem, and how can I say I am a swan and a duck...?
To grow up to be one would be a dream...

You did a magnificant and beautiful job on this, much more than I have, with everything from painting it to expression.

How can I thank you?
psst don't sell yourself short on writing poetry hon, I have read yours

 

[Linbido]

I'd say it works pretty well. I didn't read the exact reality into the poem that you have forst hand. I thought it was about somehow mixed feeling you have for a past love and his newfound one. Either way, you portray a good mix of humble pie, gratitude and affection. Maybe some more clarifying lines?

I think it was the word "brat" that set me off in that direction. I perhaps read it with more negative connotation than you do, and I got the impression that you didn't quite like, or envy that "brat".

 

[BooMerengue]

Dearest, sweetest Boo,
You didnt offend me at all.

I still question the first two stanza's...they almost seem irrelevant to the poem, perhaps another poem, and how can I say I am a swan and a duck...?
To grow up to be one would be a dream...

You did a magnificant and beautiful job on this, much more than I have, with everything from painting it to expression.

How can I thank you?
psst don't sell yourself short on writing poetry hon, I have read yours

Aww Echoes- you're too kind!

I think you might lose the 1st 2 stanzas also, but I didn't feel it was my place to tell you how to express your feelings. All I did was lose some extra words, add some punctuation and sort of pull it in tighter. I like it! Had I not I wouldn't have responded. I'm glad I didn't tick you off.

My own poetry font has dried up. I cant think of a single thing to say. My parents would freak- I was 'The Lil Chatterbox' at one time.

Keep writing- I love reading yours.

 

[echoes_s]

I'd say it works pretty well. I didn't read the exact reality into the poem that you have forst hand. I thought it was about somehow mixed feeling you have for a past love and his newfound one. Either way, you portray a good mix of humble pie, gratitude and affection. Maybe some more clarifying lines?

I think it was the word "brat" that set me off in that direction. I perhaps read it with more negative connotation than you do, and I got the impression that you didn't quite like, or envy that "brat".

Hi Lin!

Yes it definately needs a few more clarifying lines.
Oh my! Brat meant in a devilish, cherub, michievious, loving way.
She is such a loving person...I always tell her brat was not a word for her, but she insists. How can one fit this personality in with a swan is the question...for everything she does reminds me of this. It definately needs more of something...
Thank you

 

[echoes_s]

Aww Echoes- you're too kind!

I think you might lose the 1st 2 stanzas also, but I didn't feel it was my place to tell you how to express your feelings. All I did was lose some extra words, add some punctuation and sort of pull it in tighter. I like it! Had I not I wouldn't have responded. I'm glad I didn't tick you off.

My own poetry font has dried up. I cant think of a single thing to say. My parents would freak- I was 'The Lil Chatterbox' at one time.

Keep writing- I love reading yours.

Thank you Boo

Any suggestions are always welcome and listened too with open mind!
I still need to work on this, but my concentration is zapped. There is just a little thing missing that I am not sure what.


Your poetry font will refill sweetie, it always does and I can't wait.

 

[Kundalinguini]

Echoes?

Why a duck? Why not a duckling to hint at the ugly duckling transformation?

 

[echoes_s]

Echoes?

Why a duck? Why not a duckling to hint at the ugly duckling transformation?

That was the first feeling and image that came to mind when I tried starting this, but that might give off a hope there is more of a future to this, instead of the just here and now.

 

[BooMerengue]

That was the first feeling and image that came to mind when I tried starting this, but that might give off a hope there is more of a future to this, instead of the just here and now.

Darling... don't you remember? The Ugly Duckling turned out to be the most beautiful swan on the pond?