Office Email Jokes

[BlackSnake]

This was the first email I got this morning:

THE HUSBAND AND THE FORGOTTEN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

 

[matriarch]

I just opened up this one:

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough, there was a small, recognisable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 0ral Sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran back into the room.

"What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure - maybe she choked."

 

[BlackSnake]

Some of them are funny

 

[NoJo]

Sorry about the SHOUTING, that's the way this email joke came:




A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WHO WAVES AT HIM AND SAYS HELLO. HE'S RATHER TAKEN BACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER FROM, SO HE SAYS, "DO YOU KNOW ME?" TO WHICH SHE REPLIES, "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS."



NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE AND SAYS, "MY GOODNESS, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I LAID ON THE POOL TABLE WITH, WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED ME WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT IN MY BUTT?"






SHE SAID, "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER".

 

[glynndah]

The Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered and put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing, "he said. "What's for dinner?"

His funeral will be held Thursday.

 

[Wildcard Ky]

For the ladies:

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "