Obsessed!

[Needssome]

Hello hello! Okay, my friend broke up with her boyfriend in March in part because he was too clingy amongst other reasons. Now, almost 4 months later he's still calling her. It was pretty much always a long distance relationship and they still live several hours apart but he's constantly calling her, so much so that she's turned the ringer off the phone. Now he just calls and leaves hang ups on her voice mail. Basically, she just finds it annoying that he won't stop calling but she's not worried that he'll do anything more. He hasn't shown up in town or threatened her. The most is he's talked about how depressed he is without her.

On the other hand, I'm worried. Just over a year ago a girl I went to high school with was stabbed to death by her ex-boyfriend in his car. From what the story is, he told her he just wanted to "talk" and then stabbed her several times in his car and then put her body in her own car and left her to bleed to death in a parking garage. He was a local celebrity and it shocked a lot of people. I doubt anyone thought he was capable of doing anything like this which is why I'm worried about her.

The question I'm asking, is what can she do about his phone calls? They could be completely innocent, just a lonely guy wanting his girlfriend back but taking the wrong measures. She cares about him, they dated for nearly 2 years but he was suffocating her in the relationship and now it isn't stopping. The only thing I can think of to get the phone calls to stop is to ask my boyfriend to record her voice mail message in the hopes that a male voice might discourage him. However, I'm also afraid that it could backfire and lead to something more serious happening. Like I said, she isn't worried anything will happen but I think she deserves to have the right to turn the ringer on her phone back on!

 

[Noor]

Your friend knows her ex best and she needs to deal with him. You never know what is between two people. She is dealing with it by turning the ringer off for right now, that is her choice.

I understand your concern, I too know of someone who was killed in a similiar manner. If she doesn't feel threatened there isn't alot you can do except talk to her.

She can get his number blocked or get something on her phone that only allows certain people with codes to call her. I think having a man record her message is a bad idea, esp if he is likely to turn violent. He may recognize the voice and go after the man, also her rejection of him is one thing, her replacing him could be quite another in his mind.

You could explain to your friend that most women who are murdered in the US are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends, often the exs.

Good Luck, hopefully he just is sad and wants her back.

 

[Abraxas Winterlight]

ok, 1) she needs to tell him that his calls are unwanted, & that he should stop calling. Record this conversation if you can.
2) if he calls back, you may want to seek a restraining order. Listen, statistically, as Noor said, most murders are done by people who KNOW the person they kill. You can break up & be friends, but if he hit obsession, she needs to do something to get rid of this guy, & for God's sake be careful & protect herself. If this means filing a restraining order, then do it. Some states have stalker laws, & this I would say qualifies as stalking, & it needs to be stopped, NOW!

 

[Lust Engine]

Boy, this does sound spooky!

I'd almost be inclined to have your friend pick up the phone just once and explain to the guy in a very calm & re-assuring voice that he needs to find some help to deal with his loneliness and to stop bothering her by leaving voice mails. She can't be there for him anymore. Tell him to accept this fate & move on.

As far as the voice on her answering machine, I'd almost consider letting the mechanical voice do the talking. The guy might actually "enjoy" hearing her voice, even if it's to say leave a message.

I agree there is a slight bit of concern here for both parties involved.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Sounds like you need to 1) tell your ex you no longer wish to have any contact with him (in a calm voice) and 2) if he still persists contact your phone company and tell them what's going on; they in turn can do something like trace his number, put it on file while the authorities are notified.

I don't know what your ex is like but you need to take the first step fearful as it may be and you have to let the phone company know what's going on. They will help you out and recommend the proper people/authorities to speak to (they sure helped me a lot with my ex).

 

[sheath]

From stalkinghelp.org: "What is stalking?

Stalking is an abnormal or long-term pattern of threat or harassment that: (a) is directed repeatedly toward a specific individual; (b) is experienced as unwelcome or intrusive; and (c) is reported to trigger fear or concern.

Examples of stalking include: following, loitering nearby, maintaining surveillance, and sending unwanted gifts or messages. Stalking may escalate to physical assault, sexual assault, or even murder."


I don't think there is much question that he meets the requirements of this brief missive, but in reviewing stalking laws in various states, the phone calls would seem to go beyond harrassment.

I have never been in this situation, but I do keep VERY tight security around me and my family. I have always been advised to follow these procedures if something doesn't seem right:

1. Trace everything. Write down everything. Date, time, all of it. Keep a detailed record. Even if you think that a silly little detail is not something to be concerned about, write it down anyway. Make copies of it on a regular basis and put them in a safe place. The police might need to use it if the harrassment escalates.

2. Clue your friends in on the problem. Make sure that the people close to you know what is happening. Keep a cell phone with you. Give someone you trust a copy of your itinerary, including the license number and description of the car you are using. Make sure that someone knows where you are, at any given time. It is essential to track you if something bad happens.

3. Carry some form of protection with you. Whether it be a weapon, a deterrent spray, even a hand-held alarm with a high-decibel siren, keep it with you AT ALL TIMES. This includes keeping it within easy reach at your home. You never know what could happen, and many victims of stalking that become murder victims are often attacked in their own homes. Secure yourself. An alarm is a good idea. Is that going overboard? Ask someone who has seen a friend killed by an overzealous ex-boyfriend. And if you install an alarm, keep that thing armed.

4. Report the calls. Anything suspicious around you? Report it. Have a record! That is so important. Without a record, you have very little to back up a pattern, and you need to establish his pattern for the court, if it comes to that. A consistent record can mean the difference between bail and no bail in the case of assault...and THAT can mean the difference between life and death.

5. Most importantly? Trust your instincts. If you feel that something is wrong, it probably is. It seems that we SENSE danger before our minds catch up with the logic, so always listen to that gut instinct. If it feels wrong? It is.

Maybe all this sounds a little overboard for a simple posting...but if you had that gut feeling about something being wrong, and it was strong enough to make you ask for advice? Then something is wrong. Your friend is lucky to have you in her life...you just might save it one day.

S.

 

[Abraxas Winterlight]

what she said in spades.
TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY!!!

 

[Native Alien]

Take this very seriously.

She needs to first call the cops, and file a report.

Get the report number so that she can then call her phone provider company and report the phone calls to them.

They will put a trap on the phone and then she will need to log the date and the time of each of his calls. It is best if she can actually get him to talk a little even if it is to a machine or a voice mail.

The phone company will likely leave the trap on for 20 days and then forward the information to the local police or prosecuting attorney.

At that point she will have to sign a complaint and they will do the rest.

 

[SexyGiggles]

This sounds oddly similar to a friend of mine recently...she broke up with her bf back in december, he kept calling her cell and emailing her....she sent him a message in march telling him they were through and to never contact her again, and this deterred him for a few weeks, and then he continued on...it's now july and he still calls her cell, leaves messages with the sounds of her favorite movies, and sends emails regularly asking "why don't you love me anymore?"

The advice I gave to her back in march was a) don't return any of his messages anymore, b) track how often he calls/writes, c) check with the phone company about blocking the number or changing your number, d) file a complaint with the police, and e) under no circumstances should you go see him, call him, etc....

Last week she forwarded an email from him to me, and I replied to him informing him that if he did not respect her wishes and stop contacting her or else he would hear from an attorney next.

Good luck!

 

[SexyGiggles]

Oh btw, I wouldn't necessarily recommend getting a friend involved...I did so in this case only because she didn't want to open the can of worms that would be caused by her writing to him...

 

[DuckLover]

Important caveat--

SexyGiggles didn't clarify that her friend explicitly agreed to SG making contact with the ex. It would be highly inappropriate for you to contact your friend's ex without at least her permission.

My understanding of the law is that for continued contact to officially constitute stalking or harassment, you must explicitly inform the other person that their continued contact is unwanted and that you want it to stop. Abraxas was absolutely correct that you should record yourself telling him to stop. (Technically, you should also record yourself telling him that you are recording the conversation.)

Good luck.

 

[SexyGiggles]

Re: Important caveat--

SexyGiggles didn't clarify that her friend explicitly agreed to SG making contact with the ex. It would be highly inappropriate for you to contact your friend's ex without at least her permission.

Yes, and this wasn't a "hey, i can write him" "ok" kinda conversation...it was something i mentioned once months ago, and each time she would vent her frustrations, i'd offer my support in whatever way i could, but never specifically mentioning it again. Last week she sent me an email from him asking me what she could do to get him to stop. I sent her an email stating "if this were me, I'd say this...." and let her know that if she wanted it sent from me so that she didn't have to get re-involved then I would do that.