observation/question for BDSM folks...

[buckminsterfutt]

I'm not part of your community but I know a few people that are into the scene. Thare are parts of the BDSM culture I can sort of understand. Like my ex-wife was very into dom-sub sex behavior. It was "liberating" to her. It freed her from some feelings of responsibilty or something. I certainly enjoyed doing what my ex-wife wanted me to do - what ever floats your boat. Produced awesome sex for both of us and our threesome partner. I'd do it again no problem.

OK, I am really curious about something I observed...

You seem to have so many rules governing your social role behavior.

Why? Do you need these strict rules to define how you are supposed to behave?

Do you find these rules comforting? Having a rigid, well defined role can make social interactions easier. ..

Is it ritual behavior? You don't why something is the way it is but that is how its done ...

Is it for some other reason?

This aspect of your culture is very hard for me to grasp - I'm not comfortable with artificial constraints and having to behave arbitrary way like I'm expected.

Please don't misunderstand my curiosity. I'm not trying to be judgemental or critiical. Just want to better understand the underpinnings and motivations.

Thnx in advance for helping to educate me.

best regards,

buckminster futt

 

[Titania1616]

having ryles and safewords are what keeps everyone safe. they insure safe sane and consenual, my motto regarding the subject. with the rules out of way, not that there are that many, you are free to play and have fun without worrying.

 

[Titania1616]

sorry, rules not ryles!




bad typist!

 

[cymbidia]

OK, I am really curious about something I observed...

You seem to have so many rules governing your social role behavior.

Hmmm. Can you give me an example or two of what you mean?

I'm not sure i understand what rules you're talking about. In online chat rooms, certainly, there's rules up the yahoo, but in regular, real-people situations - and certainly within the embrace of casual munches - i just don't see these rules to which you're referring.

We focus on "real life", skin-to-skin BDSM encounters here, buckminsterfutt, not the stuff one finds in online chat rooms. Much (not all) of that kinda stuff is mostly just a game anyway - and like all games, has a plethora of rules.

Welcome to Lit, btw.

 

[Rooster]

Yes, can you please examples?

I would answer, but not quite sure of the context.

But I will say this. Established ground rules between couples is how we open up to each other, to tell what we like and don't like. What we are willing to do and what are our pre-defined limits.

Without speculating much, some are for our protection. Some of us have to limit public knowledgement of our lifestyle due to persicution of all types.

Depending on the couples involved personally, the lifestyle can be as rigid or fluid as they feel comfortable with and what works for them.

 

[WriterDom]

Can you be more specific?

There are rules, or guidelines, for meeting people. And that's a good thing.

There are rules for munches because we don't want to scare the villagers.

There is the creed of safe, sane, and consentual, and that sets bdsm apart from abuse.

There are chatroom and boards of roleplay like Gor, and the have many rules but most games do.

Public play places have rules for the safety of everyone.

At the couple level, every relationship is different. There are no cookie cutter set of rules.

 

[buckminsterfutt]

observation/question for BDSM folks

I'm sorry I wasn't specific.

Thnx for bearing with me.

I fully realize that,

I know so little,

I don't even know,

what I don't know...

I was refering to "social roles" and what I'm told are a large number of behavioral expectations. There are totally arbitrary rules that everyone just "naturally" follows. Why? Because that is what you are "supposed to do." in your community.
After all, how else would one behave? You'd be seen as a weird social deviant to do otherwise.

I'm sure there is some fancy authropology term that describes the following of intrinsic cultural norms all communities of people develop over time specific just to that community or subculture..

Like I understand it is somehow inappropriate for a dom to wear some clothing items - certain kind of collar or whatever. And they gotta carry some specific sorta of bag for their "tools" and stuff.

And submissive people are not supposed to make eye contact with some people. Submissive types must ask permission for some categories of behavior - like talking or going to the restroom. And "bottoms" have to be "trained" to behave correctly. ( Isn't that 'gay' terminology? Did I mix that up?)

Now doesn't that "training" really consist of learning a bunch of rules about what you are allowed to do or not do? And don't some restrictions apply to doms but not submissives and viceversa?

It sounded similar to the US military academies rules for lower classman. For example, when they eat meals, their backs are not allowed to touch the rear of the chair. They must sit perfectly straight up, eyes forward and they must be able to answer certain types of questions. If they make an error they are subject to punishment. That all may have been military discipline related 100 years ago but have become just ritualized behavior.

Or like the complex rules for "correct manners" for members of royal court society in 16th/17th century France. They spent months learning complex social rules - the dance steps you had to know, who leaves first, which hand must be used to pick one's teeth or one's nose. Which fork to use when you had a place setting with 30 pieces. And who could do stick their dicks in whom.. The real important stuff.

Since I don't know much about these, I can only cite a a couple of specific examples that I was told about like the dom and a collar.

OK, did I explain it better that time?Am I way off base? I could be totally out to lunch here... I have no baseline except my for what I was told by my ex-wife. ("Story of O" kinda stuff that she got into - Ouch!)

Thanx for your patience with this lowly, ignorant barabarian who is clueless about how you civilized folks behave. And for satisfying my perverted curiouslty.

( BTW, do you ever loan out subs to barbarians like me for "special service duty"? I really do miss the kinda activities we enjoyed so much with my very submissive ex-wife. And she enjoyed being well used by two, up to as many as a dozen of us barbarians at one time! =

 

[lilredwolph]

<snip>Like I understand it is somehow inappropriate for a dom to wear some clothing items - certain kind of collar or whatever. .<snip>

My Dom doesn't wear anything like your speaking of, but if he wanted to than he would. I wear a symbol of his collaring me but it is not a collar, it is a ring, I own collars because I like them not because some rule says so

<snip>And they gotta carry some specific sorta of bag for their "tools" and stuff<snip>

I am a submissive and have WAY more tools than my Dom does, and I carry them in what ever they will fit in, I would look rather silly walking down the street carrying my toys in a grocery sack, 36" spreader bar sticking out oneside, 33" flogger with a dildo handle hanging out the other.

<snip>And submissive people are not supposed to make eye contact with some people.<snip>

I may make eye contact with whom ever I am speaking to, I have never been told that I could not.

<snip>Submissive types must ask permission for some categories of behavior - like talking or going to the restroom. <snip>

Not true in my world maybe is others this happens but not mine

It kind of sounds to me like you were told a whole lot of myth's or maybe somebody's fantasy world

 

[Titania1616]

oh i see what you mean by rules now. every relationship is different, which means every situation is different, just like every vanilla relationship is different. i think you've been fed too many broad stereotypes, but its ok, everyone has to start learning somewhere and lit is a great place to do that.

 

[SpectreT]

Hm.

That does read like somebody's personal laundry list of preferences; kinda spartan list, too.

<shrug>

Realtime, skin-to-skin we're all pretty different. There are some widely (mis)understood conventions of behaviour that are in the public's eye. The eye contact thing, for example, is part of an often dramatized discipline scenario. And some of us don't like making eye contact with anyone. But in reality, it's personal and individual tastes.

 

[MLadyPain]

Protocol

I think maybe your referring to "Protocol" which is derived from the "Old Guard" gay leather scene.

Protocol has strict rules of behavior to be followed. Examples off the top of my head are... subs are always one step behind and to the left of their Dom; you had to earn your leather, you could not just buy it; anybody entering the scene, whether top or bottom, had to be mentored; a sub never spoke directly to a Dom with another sub, but spoke to the sub....there are many, many aspects of protocol. It is where one finds freedom within its restrictions.

I'm not leather, but I admire the society. This is just bits & pieces I've picked up here & there.

MLP

 

[MLadyPain]

ohh duh

of course I thought of this as soon as I hit the "submit" button LOL

LeatherFolk - a really good book that explains alot of the gay leather community, which as trickled down into the het crowd.

MLP

 

[Quint]

Story of O is neat for inspiration and such (although hardly light reading), but ultimately it is one girl's story. Emulation is one thing. It is not the standard by which we live. As a sub, I respect myself as an individual much more than O did. I would not kill myself if Hunny left me. I would not blindly submit to everything she did, especially without a safeword.

Do we all get branded by our masters? No.

Must we wear collars or rings to show the world who we belong to? No. Many couples enjoy this, but it is pride as well as servitude. Self-respect is something O was a little lacking in.

In public, are we any different than a nilla couple? Again, this depends on the D/s couple in question. Some live in the lifestyle 24/7 and it shows. Some, like Hunny and I, play in the bedroom and OCCASIONALLY outside, but unless he is feeling frisky I can do whatever I want outside. I enjoy when he commands me to behave in ways unlike my norm. Some couples do not. Are you getting the point? Classification doesn't apply.

One of my dearest friends here, DrXBlue, joked yesterday about a "Handbook" for subs, Doms, and switches. It was just that: a joke. Much of what we do is instinctive, a fantasy made life by our determination to do so. Some ideas originated elsewhere; we learned of them, were intrigued, and tried them. But nowhere is it said "You must behave in this way or you are not a true BDSM devotee." The ONE possible exception to that rule is that of SSC: Safe, Sane, and Consensual. By this we make sure that when our play gets rough and pushes limits, we are never failing to be equal, legal, and rational. Nobody should get hurt more than they want. It's logic, it isn't a forced commandment. We are lovers, not rapists.

We are all unique in our desires and our expressions of them. I'm very happy that you came by here with an open mind to clear up what you recognized as misconceptions. I can't help you with the obtaining of a sub, and we tend to frown upon personals here--this is NOT a BDSM rule but rather a forum guideline. Plenty of other places to cast your line, m'dear. I hope that this helped you in your quest for understanding something new but not nearly as scary as it seems.

 

[Ebonyfire]

At the couple level or one-on-one...

which is the only level I deal with, it all depends on who I am dominating. The relationship I have with my part-time sub is different than the one with my SO/slave.

Each of us are individuals, and as such how we exhibit our dominant or submissive roles or behaviour reflects that individuality.

Ebony <tavish's Queen>

 

[monster666]

Re: observation/question for BDSM folks

See, none of this stuff is hard and fast and there is no real standard for it. Before a relationship begins, a dialog should be opened between the Dominate and the submissive to determine what the desires of the other are and if there is a match. If so, activities are often discussed and limits set. It's all about communication, and in that respect a BDSM relationship is very much like a non-BDSM relationship.

There are some stereotypical scenes and behaviors that get a lot of attention. But these scenes aren't required BDSM behavior, although they are what some folks are into. There is no community-wide script for BDSM behavior. There is no standard costume, despite whatever hollywood and the mass marketeers would have you believe. And we are all different, every one of us, and have very different twists.

Like I understand it is somehow inappropriate for a dom to wear some clothing items - certain kind of collar or whatever. And they gotta carry some specific sorta of bag for their "tools" and stuff.

And submissive people are not supposed to make eye contact with some people. Submissive types must ask permission for some categories of behavior - like talking or going to the restroom. And "bottoms" have to be "trained" to behave correctly. ( Isn't that 'gay' terminology? Did I mix that up?)

Now doesn't that "training" really consist of learning a bunch of rules about what you are allowed to do or not do? And don't some restrictions apply to doms but not submissives and viceversa?

 

[Trainerman]

look at it another way.....

As others have mentioned, the way each couple interacts...whether 'vanilla' or not, will have some differences between themselves and other couples on the planet. Largely, taking note of, and hopefully respecting, the other's preferences in everything from food to holidays to which supermarket to shop at etc etc etc. If you were to write those down though...wouldn't it just seem like a long list of rules??? It's just that people are not conditioned to think of it that way...oh except of course when looking at/talking about a different group of society....frightening (or whatever label fits)...just because they are different.

And yet...and yet my contention is that, if anything, the good BDSM relationship works well BECAUSE we have rules of a sort. BECAUSE we HAVE to communicate we actually find out more and take more care. BECAUSE we have communicated so well and in such depth, I know exactly what my lady likes most and least etc. Therefore when in an intimate situation I contend that the pleasures are enhanced because of that knowledge and care and I don't have to worry at the time....I can just DO. In a way, those rules therefore give me greater freedom.
Think about it.
The rituals vary from couple to couple....just as in any vanilla or other relationship

 

[Revan]

hmmmm

From what I can gather from the "rules" that you are referring to, they seem to go along the lines of the paradigms of any society. As soon as you have a group of people with similar interests coming together, they begin to learn and adapt to each other. I am not talking together in a gang bang sense or living in direct contact, but in essence all throughout the world there are people with similar interest, yet very much different in personality and perspective. They are writers and teachers etc. that interact with others, who write posts on internet bulletin boards , write for magazines etc etc etc. Their views and perceptions are being passed along through others that share their interests. Just as mine are here. So suddenly you have one persons ideas entering into anothers head where they process it and confirm or neggate their belief in the statement. If they believe they carry it forward and in time perhaps pass it on.

I guess the long winded message that I am truly trying to get across here is simply that these things that you speak of are not "rules", but opinions/beliefs/perceptions of the people/social structure tha you have chosen to involve yourself with.

Always keep in mind that the world of bdsm is not governed or enforced by a governing body. The "rules" that exist within, should through communication, be open to negotiation.

Just my unasked for opinion.

Revan

 

[~*sunkyssed_kym*~]

HMMMMM, if I may add to MY-Sir's response;

MY-Sir- and I talked for some time before we actually had skin to skin. In that time; we discussed what each one liked and thought they would like to try. Once we were able to be together in the flesh, we started out slow, and tried different things. Some were phenomenal, some so, so. BUT!!!!, we discussed what we felt! No rules. Well...... maybe the safe words. But generally; we came to the agreement that if one of us wishes to experience something, we'd discuss it and go from there.
MY-Sir doesn't treat me as a second class citizen, HE is very considerate of my needs and passions. HE gives me the sensations that I've craved for so many years and never had anyone until HE came into my life to fill those needs. Because of HIS love for me, I am able to enjoy submitting fully to HIM. I truly WANT to please HIM, and will do whatever HE asks of me. I do this not because HE demands it, but because I WANT it!!


Good luck in your search for knowledge. This is a wonderful place to learn and grow. The understanding and support of like minded people is a great plus too!

Things are neither good nor bad; But how WE perceive them to be!

's to MY-Sir-

 

[SubbieHubbie]

Heh, just to back them up - everyone IS different, in degree as well as in practice. I know if I went to one of my wife's business functions and tried half that shit you mentioned (not meeting people's eyes etc) it would at LEAST get her in trouble. No, public, private, social, sexual, every one of us is different.

 

[buckminsterfutt]

I can't help you with the obtaining of a sub, and we tend to frown upon personals here--this is NOT a BDSM rule but rather a forum guidelineon per

I'm very sorry. That part was only intended to be humorous - ya know kinda like "rent-a-sub".

Ok, so it was a bad joke... I'm new here.

I just hope I didn't offend any one. I do respect that this is your virtual turf. I'm trying to be on my best behavior and stiffle myself. I honestly don't wanna be considered an asshole. If you guys feel I'm sticking my nose in your business where it don't belong, I will of course honor your limits.

I'm also starting to realize that you folks take your activities and lifestyle very seriously. I'm not exactly serious about much of anything so my usual luscivious remarks and flippant humor might not sit well with all of you.


Thnx for such a great response to my query. Let me get my thoughts together on what I've seen and I follow up with some initial observations. Maybe another question to ponder. I have to admit I'm more curious now than I was before.

-- Sometimes the more ya learn, the less ya understand. Works the same way with quantum physics ...

 

[SpectreT]

I'm very sorry. That part was only intended to be humorous - ya know kinda like "rent-a-sub".

Ok, so it was a bad joke... I'm new here.

I just hope I didn't offend any one. I do respect that this is your virtual turf. I'm trying to be on my best behavior and stiffle myself. I honestly don't wanna be considered an asshole. If you guys feel I'm sticking my nose in your business where it don't belong, I will of course honor your limits.

I'm also starting to realize that you folks take your activities and lifestyle very seriously. I'm not exactly serious about much of anything so my usual luscivious remarks and flippant humor might not sit well with all of you.


Thnx for such a great response to my query. Let me get my thoughts together on what I've seen and I follow up with some initial observations. Maybe another question to ponder. I have to admit I'm more curious now than I was before.

-- Sometimes the more ya learn, the less ya understand. Works the same way with quantum physics ...

And Zen.

We've got senses of humor; but we've also just recently started going through the growing pains of suddenly having a whole forum here. This thing stared off as a Q&A thread, and evolved into so much more. We still focus primarily on information, for those who seek it, but we're people, too. A few situations here had gotten rough just recently, so we're a little touchy, not to mention the crap the Real World throws at us. Do a search on either me or DRxBlue some time and you'll see quite a bit of humor. Heck, we all get goofy from time to time. Just get to know us, and let us get to know you. Then we'll know your jokes and humor, and we'll be laughing right with you.

If you plan on sticking around now that you've gotten a few folks' opinions on your question, and learned that in this case, the only answer is opinion.

 

[~*sunkyssed_kym*~]

Hiya Buck-

I'm new here as well and have seen some negative thoughts written. All in all, I find this a wonderful place to be with people who have answers to my questions, and yes, some are a bit wacked in the sanity department. I find the humour here refreshing and the wisdom infinite. Oh sure, some of it is pure bollocks, but by and far I find myself visiting more often than not.


Yes, I take my desires seriously, having denied their expression for so many years. But do I take myself seriously? HELL NO!! LOL, life's too short for that! Life is not a dress rehearsal, so embrace it as fully as possible. Humour is a wonderful tool in dealing with the curve balls we are thrown on a daily basis.
You have not offended me! In fact, you gave me a chuckle with your question. Thanks!

 

[buckminsterfutt]

only answer is opinion - I don't agree

SpectreT spoketh and the words sayth thus:

you've gotten a few folks' opinions on your question, and learned that in this case, the only answer is opinion

I have to disagree with you. There are observable facts that aren't derived just from the words you guys wrote. Many of the responses say in effect "we don't have a fixed set of rules. everyone and every relationship is different. Your observation is incorrect".

Well, although every relationship is different, all of your relationships are governed by rules. Lots of little implicit and explicit rules. Alot more than most people. Your rules might all vary somewhat but your most basic common expectation is: "there must be rules in a relationship for it to work." My question was why did you have so many rules. It is kinda the opposite of what I want in a relationship.

<sarcasm mode="on" level="very mild">
This may seem shocking to you folks and I don't wanna upset anyone's view of reality. Some of you should stop reading right now and not go any further because what follows might damage your relationship, ruin your day or possibly ruin your life. This will probably seem impossible and beyond belief but:

There are people that actually have satisfactory relationships that are NOT based on a complex set of rules and expectations, mutual or otherwise.

OK, for those brave souls that made it this far, relax, please take a deep breath. Everything is the same as it was. Everything is OK. I hope that this didn't harm anyone's mental state or damage anyone's relationship. That was not my intention. I just thought that some of you might find it incredible that something so bizarre might actually exist.
</sarcasm>
Sorry, I could not resist the temptation. Forgive me...

Your shared culture defines a relationship as something governed by rules and expectations. This is deemed as being perfectly normal. Desirable. Everyone does it this way. They must. Or how would you know how to behave? Or what to expect from your partner? Or what they expect from me? The lack of rules would not be right or desirable. How would one know where one stands in a relationship? A relationship without rules would not be possible or acceptable. It would be frightening. This cannot be true. This guy is insane. He is evil. ( Sorry, I went too far again. )


I'm not just trying to generate "flame bait". And please understand I am not saying anything negative about how your relationships work. Or your lifestyle. I'm just very curious about how you view this idea that relationships aren't always based on rules.

Don't believe it is possible to have a relationship like that? I disagree. My relationship with this outraqeously beautiful, fun sexy woman that began about six months after leaving my 22 year marriage. What I really like about our relationship, what makes it good for me and her, is the lack of the very thing you guys require. Rules. She is a most unusual woman. You'd be nutz about her like I am. And she would drive most of you nutz, too. She does that to me sometimes but that is part of what is cool about her. And yes, sometimes I do wish there were some rules imposed. I'll tell ya how it operates if ya wanna know. It was exactly what I needed after my 22 year marriage ended. The last thing I was looking for was another structured, rule-driven relationship.

(Another basic motivation - My fragile little male ego was bashed up badly, too. Lisa might of been sent from heaven but you would never ever think she was an angel. Alot of you would view our four year relationship as pathological. Perverted. Or at least very weird. That's Ok, so do I ...( And if you guys think you get real kinky, geez , just kidding , we're real 'nilla, boring even by your standards. big sigh.. ) ... )

I know you'll respond with some interesting comment of your own now. It's your turn to have a good wack (ouch) at my precepts, assumptions, etc. I did poke at your motivations for wanting rules in your relationship. I hope you took it as being all in fun. I gave you some detail about my motivations in a relationship . Now you have a bunch of ammunition to poke fun at me and my attitudes, Hey, I did it to you guys, I would not want or expect to be treated any different. The Golden Rule, right?

I just hope you aren't going to lynch me, have me burned at the stake or stoned to death. (Getting a little stoned might work OK) No, you guys would come up with something alot more inventive, creative, more painful, kinky .. anyway. In a lot of cultures, my ridiculous statements would label me as criminally insane, a corruptor of youth, a destroyer of all that is good and rightous. Well, maybe I am. Hey, somebody has to do it and it's alot of fun.

I want you silly kids to play nice and no fighting. Please be safe. That's an order. Do it. Now, damn it... (did I do that good? just thought I'd try that out. Not very intimidating, am I? )

Have a cool weekend,

buckminster
__________________________________________

"She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night."- Proverbs 31:18

 

[Trainerman]

I suspect a deliberate wind-up here...

but I will respond anyway . You say that you disagree with SpectreT in that "the only answer is opinion". This also implies a disagreement with my earlier post. Thats fine, disagree away. Debate is a healthy thing, however, you then say :- (quote) Well, although every relationship is different, all of your relationships are governed by rules. Lots of little implicit and explicit rules. Alot more than most people. generally.(end quote)

Oh really !!! (sarcasm mode on) and just how the hell do you know? You have had responses from people who really live this....yet you, an onlooker, know more !! No doubt from your so called "observable facts ". You have actually observed this lifestyle in operation have you?? even IF you have, that observation was not carried out on the rest of us. I expect that your "observation" is from poor porno videos, or "wank material" writings. (err, am I allowed to say "wank" , please moderators?)

In any case Logic says that for you to make that (quoted) statement it is implicit within that sentence that you accept that most relationships do have rules...whether they be formal or tacit.

Logic also says that your oh so lauded relationship does in fact have rules. They are simply rules by default. Simply put, "DONT expect me to......" is a rule. "I won't........" is a rule, " I will...." is a rule. It is just that the balances of expectation, consideration etc etc are different

Sorry to rattle your " I am so cool and different" image, but there you are.


Having said that, you also state that you would like more rules in your relationship !! So something is not totally satisfactory is it ? Sounds like there are rules ...its just not you that makes them . Of course, thats the giveaway. You are sub really arn't you. ? Don't worry, we know how to cope with them !

Oh...and whilst I suspect this was a wind up or 'flamer' anyway, please don't think I am upset.>>>wry smile on face<<<....I needed to get my number of posts up anyway.

 

[RisiaSkye]

Okay, kids, simmer down. Don't make me stop this car and come back there!

Risia, BDSM Forum Moderator.

~~~~
About your observations, buck:

I think you misunderstood some of the responses to your initial post. While there isn't one fixed set of rules, every BDSM relationship *DOES* follow rules. The specificity of those rules varies according to the relationship, and, in general, the newer the relationship and/or the closer one plays to the edge--the greater the risk that someone could be really damaged by a sexual or emotional adventure gone wrong, in other words--the more specific those rules tend to be.

So, I don't think anyone has really argued that there aren't rules. Just that there aren't universally uniform rules governing all BDSM relationships, with the exception of the Safe,Sane, Consensual ethos.

Why have rules? Well, first, for safety. Given that many of the things we do as a matter of course could be construed as abusive if they go beyond what the sub/bottom desires, or if they are done without full consent, it's necessary to set down ground rules on the order of limits. Further, in a society that views us as abusers and worse, it's necessary to protect the relationship from outside interference from parties who judge the relationship out of their own ignorance. Thus, people have pretty clear rules about public play, confidentiality, etc. Also, in a world of AIDS, many (or most) people have safe-sex rules about fluid-bonding, partner-sharing, and latex boundaries.

Those are the big pictures.

In the smaller view, BDSM is too complicated to isolate a single parameter of rules. For example: Bondage/discipline relationships have particular needs, some of which edge into the kinds of things you mention as military discipline. <--Hey, there's that word again; I wonder why they might look similar?

Each relationship of Dominance and submission, or between a Top and a bottom, may also include elements of discipline, of bondage, and/or of sadism and masochism. Dominants may set rules or define rituals that allow submissives to display their devotion and service--Ebony's morning service ritual, for example.

Also, discipline requires ritual, does it not? How else does one show that they are properly disciplined?

Further, if one is going to be tied up and/or allow and invite another person to strike them, burn them, or do other things that are potentially dangerous, established rules work to everyone's advantage. By establishing safewords/signals, the players set boundaries for everyone's protection--for the sub/bottom, protection from real damage; for the Dominant/Top, protection from self-doubt about how far to go, as well as protection against outsider claims of abuse. (Not that it always works when viewed by outsiders)

And, the clothing things that you mention? Well, it's all part of the mating dance. In public, at clubs, there's a greater need for relative anonymity, particularly in repressive areas. One cannot freely walk around with a singletail in hand, lashing out at passersby, can they--even at a BDSM event or play party. And, this kinda love has a wide, wide variety of different needs under its umbrella. If you have very specific desires, like you seek a bisexual male loving Dominant, you might look for specific things, like a teddy bear in the middle of a person's vest or jacket. If you seek a Domme, you might look for a woman in a leather corset and high heels. Does this always work? No, particularly as the community changes and expands. But, in many cases, the codes of dress (largely derived from the Leather crowd and gay community) help potential partners to identify each other's desires and thin the crowd down to those whose desires are most likely to mesh with their own.

Understanding better yet?
Oh, and welcome to the forum.

Risia, BDSM forum participant