obligatory First Story thread!

[onlyfananas]

Please be gentle, it's my first time <3

Starting with a quickie but I have some longer-form ideas kicking around that I'd like to work on.

https://www.literotica.com/s/taking-the-plunge-16

 

[MiaBabe23]

(Partial spoiler alert)

Hi OF,
I’ve just had a glance at the opening.
It looks as if it will be an enjoyable read, though personally, I would really encourage rewriting the opening line
Yes, flight delays can feel very frustrating in the moment
But talking of a plane and screams immediately puts such high stakes fear into the reader’s - or this reader’s - mind, that once the context becomes clear, what’s actually happening feels so low stakes compared, that it’s kinda jarring
Could that opener be rewritten? If not, could you really commit to the bit and show, make us feel, why an hour and a half delay is that bad for her at the point?
Because of the opening line, I found the second person pov kinda jarring too; though that might simply be because of how my expectations were initially set
It’s a minor point though in what otherwise looks like a fun story

 

[onlyfananas]

(Partial spoiler alert)

Hi OF,
I’ve just had a glance at the opening.
It looks as if it will be an enjoyable read, though personally, I would really encourage rewriting the opening line
Yes, flight delays can feel very frustrating in the moment
But talking of a plane and screams immediately puts such high stakes fear into the reader’s - or this reader’s - mind, that once the context becomes clear, what’s actually happening feels so low stakes compared, that it’s kinda jarring
Could that opener be rewritten? If not, could you really commit to the bit and show, make us feel, why an hour and a half delay is that bad for her at the point?
Because of the opening line, I found the second person pov kinda jarring too; though that might simply be because of how my expectations were initially set
It’s a minor point though in what otherwise looks like a fun story

This is a good note and I think it would be a simple fix! I'll give it some thought, thanks for the advice <3

 

[TheRedLantern]

I haven't had a chance to read through it yet, but I wanted to tag @StillStunned who has spent a lot of time thinking about and working on 2nd person stories.

 

[MiaBabe23]

This is a good note and I think it would be a simple fix! I'll give it some thought, thanks for the advice <3

No problem, hope it helps! And whether you change it or not, hopefully it helps thinking through what feels right
And there’s a Story Announcements thread that I just noticed - could be worth mentioning it on there to stoke interest

 

[TheRedLantern]

So I read it. It's a nice, quick, fun read.

I found the opening line fine, but @MiaBabe23 brings up a good point in that having to deplane can happen for very alarming reasons as well as annoying ones. I also agree with her that it's up to you whether you want to change it or leave it.

All-in-all, it's something to be proud of and I hope it was fun enough for you to write that you continue!

 

[ArdanRoy]

It's nice! I can't really offer much in terms of writing adivce as I am new myself, but I would say that giving it a couple tags could help with viewership.

Maybe tags like "masturbation" and "pool sex" and such.

 

[Gamblnluck]

Was intending to try but saw it was told in 2nd person. That stopped me right there. Might have been a decent story if written in 1 st or even third, but I will never know.

 

[AlinaX]

Second person can feel heavy and intrusive. You need to find ways to distract. Also, embrace dialogue over exposition.

“Ladies. Gentlemen. This is your captain.”

It’s rare to hear an announcement from the captain while the plane’s still on the ground, and even rarer for such an announcement to be anything other than bad news.

“I have some bad news.” Of course. “It seems the traffic incident outside the airport has worsened and the copilot is still stuck.” The captain was a man, his accent Dutch, the tone friendly. “I’m sorry, but I have to ask you to deplane until we can confirm a departure time.”

You could scream. You really could. It's just not fair. After over a year of false starts, the two of you had finally made the leap and booked two weeks at a sun-drenched villa overlooking the Pacific, plus the plane tickets that would get both of you there at the same time, and now… this.

 

[StillStunned]

2P POV is a bold choice for your first story. I don't have the instant aversion to it that many people do - I just started writing my own second attempt at 2P - but I have to ask why.

The story itself is a good one, and you have a better command of English than many writers here do. I like how you keep the language plain, without trying to be all writery: just using the natural sounds and rhythms to tell your story. Good work.

I have a couple of suggestions. Take them or leave them for what they are: just one reader's thoughts. If you find something useful in them, take it on board, and feel free to disregard everything else. Nobody should tell you how to write your own stories after all.

The first is the length. I don't know whether you've done any writing before this - your style and fluency seem to suggest it - but I remember writing my first story and feeling that 2.5k words was like the Collected Works of Charles Dickens. But here on Lit it's nothing. Readers here expect longer stories. They expect a long, slow build-up, they want to get to know your characters and share their experiences. That's a generalisation, of course, and there's a readership for shorter stories too. But overall, if you're looking for consistently high ratings you might want to aim for 6-10k words. Don't worry, it's easier than you might think. Just slow down, paint each scene with your words until it's a complete picture that your readers can see and feel with all their senses.

Second, I'd have delved into the masturbation scene. This is Literotica, after all. I was a bit disappointed that you glossed over it. You could have written a story about that scene alone. It would also have made the rush to the gate for departure more thrilling, with the character (and the reader) feeling conflicted emotions like excitement at what she's just done, relief that she's finally leaving, guilt for making everyone wait, worry that she might not make it after all, and just because she was playing with herself...

The third is your choice of 2P. I think some POVs are better suited to specific purposes, and I think this story would have worked better with 1P or a very close 3P. Something that would let you get into the character's mind, explore her frustration at the delays, her concern about not being to update her lover, her secret excitement at masturbating in the toilets, her anticipation on the ride to the villa. That's the kind of thing that will get your readers caught up in the events until you reach the final climactic scene.

I think 2P would have worked better if you'd leaned more heavily into a particular emotion. Anxiety about the delay. Guilt about playing with herself. Eagerness about what's to come. Something like that. 2P tends to imply an inner monologue, and for that to work your character needs to be preoccupied with something. As it is, in your story it came across like that feeling when you're wearing noise-cancelling headphones: a detachment from the world around you, like nothing really matters, nothing affects the character.

Like I said above, these are just the thoughts of one reader. Please don't let them take anything away from your enjoyment of your own story, or from your accomplishment in writing it and publishing it here. We all remember taking that scary leap. But I hope they're useful, and the kind of feedback you were looking for.

Keep writing, and have fun!

 

[onlyfananas]

Thanks for the replies! Weirdly enough, 2nd person is probably my least favorite to read, so I get that that's not everyone's cup of tea. Not sure why this story wanted to be told in 2p but that's what felt right for some reason.

Lots of great stuff to think about in here! Yall are the best <3

 

[annabellebrito]

Please be gentle, it's my first time <3

Starting with a quickie but I have some longer-form ideas kicking around that I'd like to work on.

https://www.literotica.com/s/taking-the-plunge-16

I'll leave a review there on the story later on. Hopefully it's a short story

 

[joy_of_cooking]

@StillStunned already covered most of my thoughts (and more) so I'll add only this:

This last line felt a bit unearned.

And somehow you know for a fact, as inevitable as tomorrow's sunrise, that you won't have to let him go ever again.

I went looking back afterward to see if it'd been established that this was their reunion after a period of long-distance or something but didn't find anything like that. (I found myself skimming a little because of the 2nd person, but others have covered that already.)

Maybe "After over a year of false starts" and "his flight left right on time" are meant to imply that they're in a long-distance relationship? But even on second read I couldn't figure out why they'd never be separated again.

(I'll note that I'm really bizarrely fixated on plausibility and plot mechanics. Dragons are no problem, but stuff like this really un-suspends my disbelief. Others may have no trouble at all.)

 

[onlyfananas]

@StillStunned already covered most of my thoughts (and more) so I'll add only this:

This last line felt a bit unearned.

And somehow you know for a fact, as inevitable as tomorrow's sunrise, that you won't have to let him go ever again.

I went looking back afterward to see if it'd been established that this was their reunion after a period of long-distance or something but didn't find anything like that. (I found myself skimming a little because of the 2nd person, but others have covered that already.)

Maybe "After over a year of false starts" and "his flight left right on time" are meant to imply that they're in a long-distance relationship? But even on second read I couldn't figure out why they'd never be separated again.

(I'll note that I'm really bizarrely fixated on plausibility and plot mechanics. Dragons are no problem, but stuff like this really un-suspends my disbelief. Others may have no trouble at all.)

You're right! The unearned ending bothered me while I was writing it and I (clearly) didn't come up with a reasonable solution...

I was being deliberately vague, but apparently I overdid it!

Thanks for the feedback <3