O-Kay

[brightlyiburn]

All right, this is the first time I've ever post a poem on Lit. It's non-erotic, but I'm curious about what people think.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=183465

 

[WickedEve]

All right, this is the first time I've ever post a poem on Lit. It's non-erotic, but I'm curious about what people think.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=183465

Hi and welcome to the board. Is this a new poem posted today? I haven't read all the new ones yet. I'll try to definitely check out your poem tonight.

 

[WickedEve]

I didn't wait for tonight. I read it.

I really think this is your strongest stanza. It has the most interesting images.
So in the dark I close my eyes
Allowing just a spark
Sending up a signal
To dark corners of my mind

Also, this section caught my eye:
"Show me imperfections."
Perfect love is boring

You're first stanza, which really needs to be strong, is weakened by a bit of unoriginality: a thousand points of light.
In the grace of night unfettered
A thousand points of light
Burning across my vision
A thousand, thousand points

Basically, a good poem. I feel that a revision of the first stanza would improve it. This is my opinion only, and I'm sure you'll receive more suggestions from the others.

 

[Guest]

I always look for a killer ending.

Quote:
For the one waiting out there
This will be our secret
Bring your imperfections
And come lay beside me in the dark <--excellent!

In this stanza:
Lying quiet, I begin to think
There's no I in "alone"- I probably would have wrote ..There is no 'I' in alone.

Thanks for sharing. I very much enjoyed the read.

 

[seranade]

nibble

A clip from the poem

For the one waiting out there
This will be our secret
Bring your imperfections
And come lay beside me in the dark

Do you bite? Nibble?
Pick me, hell that was a fabulous poem.

 

[brightlyiburn]

Re: nibble

A clip from the poem

For the one waiting out there
This will be our secret
Bring your imperfections
And come lay beside me in the dark

Do you bite? Nibble?
Pick me, hell that was a fabulous poem.

Oh, I bite.

 

[My Erotic Tale]

Hey alby (seranade)
hey wicked~

brightly~

I thought your poem 'rocked'
nice flow and easily read.
Excellent topic and delivery
and it even had a feel to it
that was obviously your 'spice'
that touched it up and made
superb literay Art and a natural
poetic flare...

okay I liked it too! (~_*)

how did this poem get by me...must have
posted on class day, tuesday or a monday?

 

[sack]

I thought it was generally excellent for your first poem and left a comment to that effect.....


Sack

 

[brightlyiburn]

I've actually got two new ones up now:

This one is self-definative:

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=184501

And this one is rather abstract:

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=184499

 

[sack]

Ok, now I have read them both....

The beginning of the "abstract" one was quite striking!

Sack

 

[My Erotic Tale]

Don't fret the grammar police comments
your poems were very good.

 

[brightlyiburn]

As far as I know, I haven't gotten grammar police comments. But then, my PCs aren't showing up, so who knows.

Argh, that's frustrating.

 

[seranade]

brightlyiburn quote: oh, I bite

cool!

I think art meant this, which I saw when commenting on your lovely poem!

02/06/05 by sack in USA
There are couple of lines where you could have taken out superfluous words to better effect. ("and" for example) Otherwise, a joy to read!

Sack


He didn't mean to make you feel LESSER it is just his nature!
What is (superfluous) ANYWAY, Sack man! Sack: there are couple =you meant (there are "A" couple ... and to better effect would be? to make a better effect. Really sack when you critic make it at least look like you know what your doing. Don't be an Art to criticizing, he has an excuse, but you, I am disappointed.

Great poem bright, bite me anytime!
Alby-checking it out!

 

[sack]

actually...

Actually Sera, I have been extremely supportive of Brightly's poems/stories from the very beginning. Don't think she is "lesser" at all. But, this poem might benefit from being pared down a little..worth experimenting with anyway.


Sack

 

[brightlyiburn]

Re: actually...

Actually Sera, I have been extremely supportive of Brightly's poems/stories from the very beginning. Don't think she is "lesser" at all. But, this poem might benefit from being pared down a little..worth experimenting with anyway.


Sack

Oh, I appreciate the advice. Those are quirks of my style, though. Cause see, I can hear it in my head, so I know what it's supposed to sound like, but I know others have to find the rhythm for themselves, so of course it's different. Perhaps I should invest in a microphone so I can better express my poetry. Hmm...