O.K.- Here is my new one-

[Chantal Marchon]

It is not even on the new board yet.

Feed back appreciated.

Opps, guess you need the link.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=63301

 

[damppanties]

Feedback is here!

Hiya,

Writing this as I read your story. Words from your story are in bold.

I was in a rut and I resented it.

Wonder why this had to be a separate paragraph.

...saw a girl I had never noticed before; tall with loads of dark brown curly hair...

comma needed after tall.

Jay, the other cook at our station, elbowed me in the ribs and said, "I think she likes you, dude."

"Maybe, we'll see. She is hot though."

The response of the main character sounds odd. What will they 'see'?

...what she was wearing under her clothed...

'clothed' should be 'clothes'

I daydreamed about what she was wearing under her clothed and possible ways to get her out of them until Jay called me back to reality.

Maybe its just me, but this sentence seems complicated to me. Perhaps - 'I daydreamed about what she was wearing under her clothes and possible ways to get her out of them; until Jay called me back to reality.' ( a - would also work instead of ; )

"Hot, sexy girls never ask me out." I thought to myself mystified. "This is really strange."

Usually thoughts are in 'single quotes' and dialogue in "double quotes".

Middle of the story - I think you use too many paragraphs. I don't think you need them. For example - paragraphs starting Gathering up my courage... and Lydia answered the door ... shouldn't have been separated.

...her body; reveling in the feel of ...

spelling - revelling

Quickly compiling, I buried my face ...

spelling - complying

She tasted like a ripe peach.

She did??

I thrust into her hot, tight sheath wanting to savor the moment but her urgency spurred me on. I could feel her body tighten into another burning climax and my own rushed to meet her.

We collapsed together hanging in a mutual euphoria.

can be same paragraph.

looked like a little. Dowdy mouse, ....

Period in by mistake?

OK, finished reading. Overall impression is good. I think that the story is a little low on the feeling side. You're just informing us what happened and not what the characters are feeling most of the time. It gives the story a rather flat feeling. Hope this helps.

Happy writing.

 

[the_bragis]

Feedback

Hello Chantal,

This is what I noted as I read your story:

The opening paragraph was good.

I was in a rut and I resented it.

Unlike DP, I thought this single lined paragraph was good, and had a nice impact.

I daydreamed about what she was wearing under her clothed and possible ways to get her out of them until Jay called me back to reality.

Again I can't agree with DP on this one. Sorry DP, I'm not trying to be totally disagreeable here. I think it simply needs to be:

I began to daydream about what she was wearing under her clothes, and the possible ways to get her out of them, until Jay called me back to reality.

I do agree with DP, it does have a slightly 'flat' feel. It's a good story, but unfortunately, I saw what I believed to be simply many missed opportunities to spice it up. Here are a couple of examples:

Maybe, we'll see. She is hot though." That look of hers had my mind creating some wild pictures. The girl definitely appealed to my sex-starved body.

'Maybe, we'll see. She is hot thought' sounds kind of weak. How about "We'll see," I said, my mind racing with thoughts about what I would love to do with a girl like that. "She's hot!"

The girl appealed to your sex-starved body? Oh really? Exactly how ? What exactly was your body's reaction? You can tell us, we won't blush.

the girl was sitting in the dining room near the long wall...

Just 'sitting' isn't really all that exciting. Unless... Her lovely long legs were crossed? Her tight little mini skirt had crept up her thighs? You could now see her stocking tops?

Readers love getting all the juicy details. It draws them in.

I was biting my bottom lip and chasing down the sudden panic in the pit of my stomach.

This is a good description, but would read better like this I think. I bit my bottom lip, chasing down the sudden panic in the pit of my stomach.

After a few moments, I propped up my head with my hand and asked the question that had been on my mind all evening; "So why me?

This line is good also, only I would have left it at that, I don't believe more dialog was needed.

Spelling and grammar? Well DP has pointed out the bumps and humps, which is good since I'm pretty darned hopeless with that.

From my point of view, I would have enjoyed you (Frank) to have been portrayed as a more inexperienced lover. You know, nervous college boy, seduced by over sexed class mate, but that's just me, I guess I'm a sick little bunny aren't I?

It's difficult to write from the point of view of the opposite sex, however, you have done well. You only made one slip.

I was ignoring my body's own demands, losing myself in pleasuring her.

Come on Chantal, we both know men just aren't like that! ('just kidding.)

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex (female variety)

 

[Chantal Marchon]

Thank you for the critiques. It is easy to overlook stuff sometimes and I have to add about 700 words and another sex scene before I can submit it for publication.

I think in the paragraph were he starts daydreaming about her I can add a whole scene. Maybe.

 

[Whispersecret]

Perhaps DP lives in another country, but in the U.S. I don't see thoughts in single quotes.

Here are the "rules" for internal monologue as I understand them:

Thoughts can be italicized.

Fred looked her over. God, what I wouldn't give to have me some of that.

Or they can just be marked with a phrase, like this:

Fred looked her over. God, he thought, what I wouldn't give to have me some of that.

Keep in mind when delving directly into character's thoughts, the thoughts should be written in first person, present tense. And there's no need to say "he thought to himself," because thoughts are always to yourself.

However, none of this applies when you're writing something like this:

George thought about fucking her in the parking lot.

 

[Madame Manga]

Haven't made up my mind

Sometimes I've used italics for direct thoughts, sometimes I've used those single quotes, despite being an American. ;-) (I stay consistent within a single story!) IMO, they're functionally identical. However, I think your second option:

God, he thought, what I wouldn't give to have me some of that.

is the best one in general, since it doesn't use any distinguishing punctuation or emphasis. All of the other methods take the reader out of the flow a little too much. The only problem with it is the speech attribution, because sometimes "he thought" doesn't fit in the sentence, just as "he said" is often better avoided.

MM

 

[damppanties]

thoughts...

Italics for thoughts is fine. I was just trying to distinguish dialogue from thoughts. I did add a 'usually' before giving my opinion because there is no real agreement on the thoughts issue. I dunno, double quotes just seem wrong.

-DP.

 

[unskilled]

the story went too fast..

slow down with the sections (from eating her out, to the quick sex, then.. that was it)..

where was the oral for the male?

 

[sirhugs]

contrary to most feedback, I like the " I was in a rut ..." line. I thought, though that you ought to have started the story there, to set the tone right off. the first paragraph then follows it.

I found the many short paragraphs choppy- I stated scanning, not reading.

you say : "silhouetted against the sensual fabric of her robe"

I think you mean silhoutted in her robe- she is silhouttted against the light from the window , or whatever.

The pace of the seduction is too fast- unbelievable so, destroying the credibility of the story. Then it ends too quickly. I wanted more.

 

[Cooksie]

A few more comments...

I had attended two classes that morning and then had to go straight to the dining hall to work.

Try to avoid passive voice if possible. It's appropriate here because it conveys the sense of boredom, but what got me was the repitition of words in the sentence (had, had and to, to, to) which makes the sentence awkward. Maybe: I had attended two classes that morning and thent went straight to work at the dining hall.

As a general rule, I try to avoid word repitition like the plague because it can be so noticeable (especially when the same word describes the same thing such as "a hot, knowing look" soon followed by "She is hot" and then again later with "Hot, sexy girls never ask me out") and anything that is noticeable about the writing will take the reader out of the story.


I snatched it up quickly so that Jay wouldn't grab it

Does anyone snatch slowly? Quickly is an unneeded word and slows the sentence down. Another example of unnecessary words is with "I stammered out" which is easier to read as just 'I stammered.'


"Or something, but definitely not news for this gossip mill. So if you don't mind, I am going to clean up my work area and get out of here."

My own bias perhaps, but this doesn't sound like something a guy would say or how he'd say it. A gossip mill doesn't seem like the first thing a guy would think about; and given the 'opportunity of lifetime' situation, it seemed strange not to see more excitement in his voice. The "so if you don't mind" phrase seemed obsequious and the rest of the sentence seemed too casual. I would think Frank's heart would be skipping about a bit, and it'd be nice to hear that in his voice, i.e. "Jay, you gotta clean up for me" or some such.

"heart-stopping body"

Much better descriptor than hot

"Lydia bucked gently against my fingers seeking more that the soft caress I was using on her delicate, sensitive flesh."

Odd juxtaposition of actions - bucking seems too energetic a verb given the rest of the description, perhaps writhed?

I was ignoring my body's own demands, losing myself in pleasuring her.

Actually (disagreeing with the_bragis), this rang especially true for me. Granted, there comes a point where there just ain't no denying, but until then, the lost in her body play is something only a fool would pass up (IMO). More important in terms of the story, I think it fits well with Frank's considerate nature - why Lydia graced him with her charms after all.

 

[Chantal Marchon]

Lots of good suggestions here. I still have to do a rewrite or two, I only spent about two or three hours writing the original before I submitted it. So I definitely know there are areas that need improvement.

 

[Whispersecret]

A few more comments...

I had attended two classes that morning and then had to go straight to the dining hall to work.

Try to avoid passive voice if possible. It's appropriate here because it conveys the sense of boredom, but what got me was the repitition of words in the sentence (had, had and to, to, to) which makes the sentence awkward. Maybe: I had attended two classes that morning and thent went straight to work at the dining hall.

The classes were attended by me.

That's a passive sentence.

 

[Cooksie]

hmmm... I thought it was also passive if you used any helping verbs and/or infinitives. It's been a long time since I was in any grammar class, though :b What is the correct term for those types of constructions?

Whatever it's called, I just feel that it dilutes the action and distances both the narrator and reader - bad juju for any story, so I think it should be avoided whenever possible. Yes?

 

[Whispersecret]

Yes, bad juju if you're not careful, but sometimes, it's necessary. The trick is (and there's always a trick, isn't there!) to know when it's necessary and how to eliminate it when it's not.

I don't know what the heck using hads is called either, but I'm pretty sure it has to do with verb tense.

 

[Never]

Madame Manga:
“All of the other methods take the reader out of the flow a little too much. The only problem with it is the speech attribution, because sometimes "he thought" doesn't fit in the sentence, just as "he said" is often better avoided.”

How do you mean?
Without a ‘he thought’ or ‘he said’ a reader can often become lost or confused. They cost nothing and help point your reader in the right direction.

 

[Whispersecret]

Madame Manga:
“All of the other methods take the reader out of the flow a little too much. The only problem with it is the speech attribution, because sometimes "he thought" doesn't fit in the sentence, just as "he said" is often better avoided.”

How do you mean?
Without a ‘he thought’ or ‘he said’ a reader can often become lost or confused. They cost nothing and help point your reader in the right direction.

I think there are several schools of thought on dialogue attribution. Some people avoid using "he said" as much as possible. Some authors think they need to tag every line a character says. Some people believe the "best" way to identify speakers is through action.

Actually, I think the ideal is to achieve a balance. Mix and match, everything in moderation. Feel the flow of the story, of the sentences, and let that be your guide.

Here's what Rennie Browne and Dave King say in their book Self Editing for Fiction Writers, an excellent resource.

We're all in favor of choosing exactly the right verb for the action, but when you're writing speaker attributions the right verb is nearly always "said." The reason those well-intentioned attempts at variety don't work is that verbs other than "said" tend to draw attention away from the dialogue. They jump out at a reader, making the reader aware, if only for a second, of the mechanics of writing. They draw attention to your technique...

"Said," on the other hand, isn't even read the way other verbs are read. It is, and should be, an almost purely mechanical device--more like a punctuation mark than a verb. It's absolutely transparent, and so is graceful and elegant. Which, actually, is another reason to avoid exclamations and adverbs. Even when you use them with "said" (we said sternly), they tend to entable your readers in your technique rather than leaving them free to concentrate on the dialogue.

Stephen King in On Writing said,

Some writers try to evade the no-adverb rule by shooting the attribution verb full of steroids. The result is familiar to any reader of pulp fiction or paperback originals:

"Put down the gun, Utterson!" Jekyll grated.
"Never stop kissing me!" Shayna gasped.
"You damned tease!" Bill jerked out.

Don't do these things. PLease oh please.

The best form of dialogue attribution is said...

 

[sirhugs]

I think there are several schools of thought on dialogue attribution. Some people avoid using "he said" as much as possible. Some authors think they need to tag every line a character says. Some people believe the "best" way to identify speakers is through action.

Actually, I think the ideal is to achieve a balance. Mix and match, everything in moderation. Feel the flow of the story, of the sentences, and let that be your guide.

Here's what Rennie Browne and Dave King say in their book Self Editing for Fiction Writers, an excellent resource.

We're all in favor of choosing exactly the right verb for the action, but when you're writing speaker attributions the right verb is nearly always "said." The reason those well-intentioned attempts at variety don't work is that verbs other than "said" tend to draw attention away from the dialogue. They jump out at a reader, making the reader aware, if only for a second, of the mechanics of writing. They draw attention to your technique...

"Said," on the other hand, isn't even read the way other verbs are read. It is, and should be, an almost purely mechanical device--more like a punctuation mark than a verb. It's absolutely transparent, and so is graceful and elegant. Which, actually, is another reason to avoid exclamations and adverbs. Even when you use them with "said" (we said sternly), they tend to entable your readers in your technique rather than leaving them free to concentrate on the dialogue.

Stephen King in On Writing said,

Some writers try to evade the no-adverb rule by shooting the attribution verb full of steroids. The result is familiar to any reader of pulp fiction or paperback originals:

"Put down the gun, Utterson!" Jekyll grated.
"Never stop kissing me!" Shayna gasped.
"You damned tease!" Bill jerked out.

Don't do these things. PLease oh please.

The best form of dialogue attribution is said...

" Well said", I whispered.

 

[Whispersecret]

" Well said", I whispered.

Psst. The comma goes inside the quotes.