Nuts over punctuation

[CeriseNoire]

This is currently driving me crazy. I have the following:

"As he climaxed, he gazed at his lover. A smile graced her lips, and tears...[still toying with the end of this sentence]"

What do you think?

a) keep the period
b) change the period to a colon
c) change the period to a semi-colon

Thanks in advance

 

[drksideofthemoon]

This is currently driving me crazy. I have the following:

"As he climaxed, he gazed at his lover. A smile graced her lips, and tears...[still toying with the end of this sentence]"

What do you think?

a) keep the period
b) change the period to a colon
c) change the period to a semi-colon

Thanks in advance

I'd keep the period. I don't know about the gazing while climaxing. I usually associate gazing as being quiet, contemplative. It's not something I equate with how I feel at the moment of orgasm.

Maybe 'After he climaxed, he gazed at his lover.'

 

[glynndah]

For what it's worth, I vote A. I like the KISS philosophy most of the time.

 

[Tom Collins]

I'm with the other two. KISSing it will make sure you're not glaringly in error.

I also agree with Moony about the gazing thing. Personally, my eyes usually feel like they're almost spinning in their sockets, and I ain't much concerned about focusing on anything but what's going on inside.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

I'm with the other two. KISSing it will make sure you're not glaringly in error.

I also agree with Moony about the gazing thing. Personally, my eyes usually feel like they're almost spinning in their sockets, and I ain't much concerned about focusing on anything but what's going on inside.

Roger that on all points. I third the motions (although I am a fan of creative use of colons and semicolons, but when in doubt, KISS.)

 

[TE999]

Keep the period, but not the gaze.

His eyes should be shut or crossed or unfocused or somethin'.

He is cumming after all.

 

[Pure]

as i read it, HE's coming, his *lover* is smiling; i see no problem.
he's coming and gazing. surely that's possible (how do guys drive while getting bj?).

period is simplest. colon inappropriate.

 

[Tom Collins]

I absolutely love the way all she asks about is one point of punctuation, but we can't keep ourselves from spouting our opinions about the rest of what we see.

 

[Liar]

Semi-colons may sometimes be the correct way to write things, but that doesn't stop them from being godawfully ugly.

So yeah, first version.

 

[Huckleman2000]

I like the idea of looking into your lover's eyes while climaxing - talk about a window into the soul! I don't know if I'd call it a "gaze" though.

 

[floweringquince]

This is currently driving me crazy. I have the following:

"As he climaxed, he gazed at his lover. A smile graced her lips, and tears...[still toying with the end of this sentence]"

What do you think?

a) keep the period
b) change the period to a colon
c) change the period to a semi-colon

Thanks in advance

I gotta do it the hard way:

"As he climaxed, he gazed at his lover. A smile graced her lips, and tears..."

"As he climaxed, he gazed at his lover: a smile graced her lips, and tears..."

"As he climaxed, he gazed at his lover; a smile graced her lips, and tears..."


In my extremely humble opinion, the semi-colon is just not right. You're changing focus, from him to her; and a semi-colon would imply a continuation of the previous idea.

Unless I'm wrong, the semi-colon in this sentence (about a woman trying to figure out how to get a very large penis into her mouth) is used correctly:
"I wondered how snakes did it; and then I remembered how snakes do it, and hoped I wouldn't actually dislocate my jaw."


The colon may be right depending on how the sentence ends, specifically whether her smile and tears are somehow subsets or components of his gaze (which, since I can't seem to write that so that it makes sense, they probably aren't

The classic use of colons is to designate lists:
"She bought what she needed at the grocery store: bread, milk, margarine, bananas, and condoms."

The more literary use is when the ideas in a second clause are somehow a subset or components of the ideas in the first clause:
"That put me over into a second orgasm, or perhaps back into the first: I shook helplessly with the sheer joy of being so fully filled and fulfilled."


The period is correct no matter how the sentence(s) end(s): I'd go with that


- Quince


PS. I believe all the colons and semi-colons in my text above are placed correctly - at least, I sure hope they are

 

[Vermilion]

Personally I'd say the first comma was unnecessary.

"As he climaxed he gazed at his lover, a smile graced her lips, and tears..."

Alternatively juggle it a little...

He gazed at his lover as he climaxed, a smile graced her lips and tears...

I overuse commas so I always keep an eye out for extraneous commas, I'd say that these qualify


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[Trinique_Fire]

Ask yourself: Have you ever gazed while climaxing? If so, perhaps you are a special case...then keep the gaze if you wish.

On the other hand...if you're submitting the story to Lit and want to write for an audience, you might want to rethink that sentence.

 

[Vermilion]

Ask yourself: Have you ever gazed while climaxing? If so, perhaps you are a special case...then keep the gaze if you wish.

On the other hand...if you're submitting the story to Lit and want to write for an audience, you might want to rethink that sentence.

Yeah, maybe go for "After he climaxed..."
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[pop_54]

surely that's possible (how do guys drive while getting bj?).

.

Into trees quite often I understand.

(I agree colons/semi colons are ugly distractions. Better the rearrange the sentence and use a comma as V commented.)

 

[CeriseNoire]

Thanks for the help. So it looks like my first thought was correct with the period. BTW, perhaps is a newbie (or foreigner) thing, but though my first impulse is always to end with a period, I have no idea what you mean by all the KISS references.

It's pretty important that for him to see her smiling and crying, though originally it said "looked" in my first or second draft (I changed it to "gazed" right before posting my question).

I don't know how much he'd feel like looking at anything once he came. Climax sends a lot of guys I've known right into Sleepyland. Oh well, guess I'll just rewrite that paragraph and come up with something. Maybe she'll just have to be the only one who knows she's crying.

Thanks again.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

V is right. Change the As to After and keep the period. Most ladies on Lit perfer to keep their periods anyway

 

[Vermilion]

Thanks for the help. So it looks like my first thought was correct with the period. BTW, perhaps is a newbie (or foreigner) thing, but though my first impulse is always to end with a period, I have no idea what you mean by all the KISS references.

It's pretty important that for him to see her smiling and crying, though originally it said "looked" in my first or second draft (I changed it to "gazed" right before posting my question).

I don't know how much he'd feel like looking at anything once he came. Climax sends a lot of guys I've known right into Sleepyland. Oh well, guess I'll just rewrite that paragraph and come up with something. Maybe she'll just have to be the only one who knows she's crying.

Thanks again.

KISS is a business acronym.
Keep It Simple Stupid.
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