Number of posts vs BDSM Advert and Psychological Dominance

[SunlitAsrai18]

I am unsure and nervous about posting this since I do not have many posts and I am new. To be honest, the idea of playing word/number games on the boards just to increase post count for the sake of appearing genuine is dreary to me. I am in a loving relationship with my boyfriend and he knows of my recent presence here. I believe I am a submissive at heart and he abhors the idea of dominance.
I realise this forum is for those into the BDSM lifestyle and I do not really fit requirement. However, the reason why I post here and not in the BDSM personals is because I need advice. While my boyfriend knows of my presence, his approval extends only to PMs. Hence, my interaction would only be limited to PMs and no pictures. My question then is, is it possible to find an online Dom who is happy to purely limit his/her dominance to the psychological realm? Does that even work? I have seen the advertisements on the BDSM personals sections and I don't want my experience to be about talking smut. I want to truly understand that if my submissive side is strong enough for me to make decisions regarding a change of lifestyle.
I am grateful for any insight offered.

 

[SpunThings]

I am unsure and nervous about posting this since I do not have many posts and I am new. To be honest, the idea of playing word/number games on the boards just to increase post count for the sake of appearing genuine is dreary to me. I am in a loving relationship with my boyfriend and he knows of my recent presence here. I believe I am a submissive at heart and he abhors the idea of dominance.
I realise this forum is for those into the BDSM lifestyle and I do not really fit requirement. However, the reason why I post here and not in the BDSM personals is because I need advice. While my boyfriend knows of my presence, his approval extends only to PMs. Hence, my interaction would only be limited to PMs and no pictures. My question then is, is it possible to find an online Dom who is happy to purely limit his/her dominance to the psychological realm? Does that even work? I have seen the advertisements on the BDSM personals sections and I don't want my experience to be about talking smut. I want to truly understand that if my submissive side is strong enough for me to make decisions regarding a change of lifestyle.
I am grateful for any insight offered.

I've heard of people doing this. I imagine it will take just as much time and effort to find the right partner as it would to find a long term boyfriend. You could get lucky or it could take a while. What you describe is something that would require a pretty good getting to know you phase before you're where you want to be, as well.

 

[CutieMouse]

There are people who's entire D/s arrangement is online. Some people have multi-year situations that never move beyond email, PMs and phone calls.

However...

I suspect those online arrangements do involve the physical, in that subjects discussed become sexual in nature, "tasks" (involving arousal) are often assigned, some people may add a mentoring element which facilitates life-changes, etc. some may be willing to do such things without ever exchanging pictures, but I suspect that's rare (what with concerns of cat fishing being so common).

An online D/s arrangement can easily become intimate, pictures or not, and emotions often invade despite ones best intentions. Are you and your boyfriend prepared for that?

 

[cookiecat]

I'm just going to respond to one part of your post because I need time to think about the other part.

The thing you say about posting in word games feels dreary to you in order to appear genuine is super fair. If that's not you, you shouldn't do it.

That being said, there are a ton of places that aren't necessarily games where you can post to get to know people. And they can get to know you.

I commented on someone's BDSM personal "ad" - just an off-hand comment about his post and we struck up a really nice friendship. That's happened in several places. I'll be posting in the most random of places, with no expectations about making a connection and then bam! A connection is made!!

Hope all that makes sense. Certainly if you're only here to find that online Dom and have no desire to post anywhere else, then everything I just said is moot.

 

[SunlitAsrai18]

Thank you spunthings

In response to cutieMouse
While I hadn't considered it, but I suppose now that you mention it, it makes sense since it involves two actual people. I think this is certainly something that needs to be discussed. My main reason to be here is because, I feel loved but a part of me feels unfulfilled .

In response to cookiecat
I am certainly looking to build up connections but I am still figuring y way around the various boards and my initial post was met with suggestions to be on the playground. I understand that the other boards take time to integrate into. Hence, my question about the number of posts. I wasn't sure if I could post an advert and still be considered genuine.

 

[Farawyn]

Hi, and welcome!

Like cookie, from your post, I'm not quite sure if you want to be part of the boards or find a Dom.

I want to ask if you have ever had a sexual or romantic online relationship, ever? They can be pretty intense. My online platonic friendships are intense...imagine adding in lust, excitement, longing, new experiences...tenderness? Things missing in your current relationship?

Also, I'm not being picky, but you mentioned "smut". Not wanting to talk smut.
Can you define smut?

What you think you may not want, you may end up wanting.

 

[SunlitAsrai18]

Hi, and welcome!

Like cookie, from your post, I'm not quite sure if you want to be part of the boards or find a Dom.

I want to ask if you have ever had a sexual or romantic online relationship, ever? They can be pretty intense. My online platonic friendships are intense...imagine adding in lust, excitement, longing, new experiences...tenderness? Things missing in your current relationship?

Also, I'm not being picky, but you mentioned "smut". Not wanting to talk smut.
Can you define smut?

What you think you may not want, you may end up wanting.

I definitely want to be on the boards, I am just not sure which ones yet. I am still looking around. But yes, I most definitely want to find an online Dom. I haven't had any kind of online relationship and I agree with you in that I am not sure I know what I want.
What I mean by smut is that it seems on the BDSM personals adverts, it's mostly people looking to get off for the evening . Well perhaps mostly is the wrong word. But many. I wanted it to go beyond that, into something as bordering to realistic as possible in the constraints i am working with.

 

[Farawyn]

I definitely want to be on the boards, I am just not sure which ones yet. I am still looking around. But yes, I most definitely want to find an online Dom. I haven't had any kind of online relationship and I agree with you in that I am not sure I know what I want.
What I mean by smut is that it seems on the BDSM personals adverts, it's mostly people looking to get off for the evening . Well perhaps mostly is the wrong word. But many. I wanted it to go beyond that, into something as bordering to realistic as possible in the constraints i am working with.

Keep in mind that when you are talking with someone sexually, or in a D/s way ONLINE only there are no screaming kids, bad hair days, mortgages due. Your best self is often presented. Words are the medium, so you are sharing your thoughts.
It can be very intoxicating and very real.

In order to be in a relationship like the one it sounds you want, there has to be trust. You have to built trust with your Dom or else it will not work. Which involves, again, closeness.

I'm not advising anything, as I am new here myself, but I don't want you to UNDERESTIMATE an online relationship.
It may enhance your relationship with your BF, or it may tear it apart.

 

[_Necrosomantic_]

I am unsure and nervous about posting this since I do not have many posts and I am new. To be honest, the idea of playing word/number games on the boards just to increase post count for the sake of appearing genuine is dreary to me. I am in a loving relationship with my boyfriend and he knows of my recent presence here. I believe I am a submissive at heart and he abhors the idea of dominance.
I realise this forum is for those into the BDSM lifestyle and I do not really fit requirement. However, the reason why I post here and not in the BDSM personals is because I need advice. While my boyfriend knows of my presence, his approval extends only to PMs. Hence, my interaction would only be limited to PMs and no pictures. My question then is, is it possible to find an online Dom who is happy to purely limit his/her dominance to the psychological realm? Does that even work? I have seen the advertisements on the BDSM personals sections and I don't want my experience to be about talking smut. I want to truly understand that if my submissive side is strong enough for me to make decisions regarding a change of lifestyle.
I am grateful for any insight offered.

I've altered the bold part of your post to reflect not only something others have stated previously, but also to point out that you've sort of answered your own question.

What you appear to be after would be best obtained by just interacting with others via joining in on discussions initially. There is no magic bullet answer, rather you should further your own understanding of both the type of experience you are looking for and the extent of your own predilections. With the exceptions of belligerent rudeness or malicious stupidity, no one is going to condemn you for asking questions or for something like how many posts you have/new you are. You can worry about meeting the right type of person after you've got the rest of these things sorted so, unless there is some previously unmentioned time limit, what's the rush? Take it slow and enjoy it, there are a lot of wonderful and insightful people here ( as demonstrated by the previous posters ).

Welcome.

 

[CutieMouse]

What I mean by smut is that it seems on the BDSM personals adverts, it's mostly people looking to get off for the evening . Well perhaps mostly is the wrong word. But many.

Two thoughts -

The entire bit quoted above is why I asked if you and your boyfriend are prepared for the Pandora's box you might be unpacking. He's said he's okay with you getting to know someone on this site through the PM system. Have y'all laid out that "getting to know someone" = an online D/s relationship? Or is he thinking online friendship to bounce questions off of, and you're thinking D/s? From what you've written, I'm not sure.

Second thought re: smutty things -

People have great (and not so great) erotic conversations by PM. Sometimes those conversations happen organically as friendships develop; sometimes those conversations are what I classify as "people to cheap to pay for their porn". You have to sort out your boundaries on that.

... I wanted it to go beyond that, into something as bordering to realistic as possible in the constraints I am working with.

When you say this, what do you envision? And what do you currently believe day to day life in a D/s relationship looks like? What does your boyfriend believe that looks like? I'm seeing you want to submit, he wants nothing to do with dominance, y'all are tentatively okay with an online relationship "as close to realistic as possible", but are uncomfortable with it being a sexualized online relationship.

What do you think a normal, healthy, realistic D/s relationship looks like, that makes you want to recreate that (even if only online)?

 

[NoeMasks]

Short answer yes, you can, and like any relationship, you get out of it what you put into it, you may have to kiss a lot of frog to find your prince, but it is doable. If your serious about keeping your BF do not neglect him in favor of your explorations. Be up front and honest with whom ever you communicate with, as well as your BF.

I am unsure and nervous about posting this since I do not have many posts and I am new. To be honest, the idea of playing word/number games on the boards just to increase post count for the sake of appearing genuine is dreary to me. I am in a loving relationship with my boyfriend and he knows of my recent presence here. I believe I am a submissive at heart and he abhors the idea of dominance.
I realise this forum is for those into the BDSM lifestyle and I do not really fit requirement. However, the reason why I post here and not in the BDSM personals is because I need advice. While my boyfriend knows of my presence, his approval extends only to PMs. Hence, my interaction would only be limited to PMs and no pictures. My question then is, is it possible to find an online Dom who is happy to purely limit his/her dominance to the psychological realm? Does that even work? I have seen the advertisements on the BDSM personals sections and I don't want my experience to be about talking smut. I want to truly understand that if my submissive side is strong enough for me to make decisions regarding a change of lifestyle.
I am grateful for any insight offered.

 

[Blue]

_____

 

[SunlitAsrai18]

I am still not sure how to reply to multiple people together, so I shall just do it here. First let me say, I am blown away by the number of responses I have got and how well thought out they are. Thank you. You have given me much food for thought.s one of you have raised important questions, some that I did not even think of and I shall attempt to answer it.

1. Farawyn: I honestly did not think online relationships can spill into your daily life. Thank you for making that clear. This is something I need to consider.

2. CutieMouse: the second point you mention and the questions you raise are hard. I shall try to address this as honestly as I am able. In my rather poor understanding of D/S but in terms of what I want regardless of what the correct term would be: I want to feel a dryness in my throat when I hear his voice, even if it is telling me what dress to wear. I want to be spanked till my ass is red. Somedays, not always, I don't want to be the one making every single decisions but simply following orders unquestioningly. I want to be tied down and taken. Somedays, I simply want to be fucked, not made love to. Somedays, I do not want to be asked if I want to have sex, I don't want to be given the choice. But, I dont want it always. It's not something I can see myself doing 24X7, but I have needs for a more rougher handling from time to time. Yes my boyfriend understands this need. I have talked about it with him but he finds the idea repulsive. In terms of my online presence, yes we understand that the PM shall turn to sexualized topics and I intend to discuss this experience with him if it gets beyond what we agreed upon. Just to clarify, what we agreed upon is: he would be okay with me talking and exploring amd being told what to do, by someone online, as long as we both maintain absolute anonymity.

3. Consilience: you were quite clear thank you. By a change of lifestyle, I mean a decision whether my desire to submit is strong enough to want to bring it to my life, I haven't thought about what that means. But, I felt it is important to atleast see whether it is a passing fancy or if I really do have a submissive side in me to warrant this real world decision.

Also, as pointed out by NeoMask and Necrosomantic, as well as all you other posters, I shall then try to engage, read more and see.

I really appreciate everything everyone of said. In terms of the PMs I have received, I haven't really got any that did not give a vibe of what CutieMouse mentioned as a cheap way to get porn. Yes some were nice and friendly but most offers of dominance seemed like a quick way to spend an evening talking dirty.

At this point, I think I shall try an advert on BDSM personals as a last resort, keeping in mind all that you say and then, if I don't get what I think I am looking for, I shall simply stop searching and try to figure my interests out by interacting here.

I am sorry about how long my post became. Thank you all so much.

 

[Farawyn]

I am still not sure how to reply to multiple people together, so I shall just do it here. First let me say, I am blown away by the number of responses I have got and how well thought out they are. Thank you. You have given me much food for thought.s one of you have raised important questions, some that I did not even think of and I shall attempt to answer it.

1. Farawyn: I honestly did not think online relationships can spill into your daily life. Thank you for making that clear. This is something I need to consider.

2. CutieMouse: the second point you mention and the questions you raise are hard. I shall try to address this as honestly as I am able. In my rather poor understanding of D/S but in terms of what I want regardless of what the correct term would be: I want to feel a dryness in my throat when I hear his voice, even if it is telling me what dress to wear. I want to be spanked till my ass is red. Somedays, not always, I don't want to be the one making every single decisions but simply following orders unquestioningly. I want to be tied down and taken. Somedays, I simply want to be fucked, not made love to. Somedays, I do not want to be asked if I want to have sex, I don't want to be given the choice. But, I dont want it always. It's not something I can see myself doing 24X7, but I have needs for a more rougher handling from time to time. Yes my boyfriend understands this need. I have talked about it with him but he finds the idea repulsive. In terms of my online presence, yes we understand that the PM shall turn to sexualized topics and I intend to discuss this experience with him if it gets beyond what we agreed upon. Just to clarify, what we agreed upon is: he would be okay with me talking and exploring amd being told what to do, by someone online, as long as we both maintain absolute anonymity.

3. Consilience: you were quite clear thank you. By a change of lifestyle, I mean a decision whether my desire to submit is strong enough to want to bring it to my life, I haven't thought about what that means. But, I felt it is important to atleast see whether it is a passing fancy or if I really do have a submissive side in me to warrant this real world decision.

Also, as pointed out by NeoMask and Necrosomantic, as well as all you other posters, I shall then try to engage, read more and see.

I really appreciate everything everyone of said. In terms of the PMs I have received, I haven't really got any that did not give a vibe of what CutieMouse mentioned as a cheap way to get porn. Yes some were nice and friendly but most offers of dominance seemed like a quick way to spend an evening talking dirty.

At this point, I think I shall try an advert on BDSM personals as a last resort, keeping in mind all that you say and then, if I don't get what I think I am looking for, I shall simply stop searching and try to figure my interests out by interacting here.

I am sorry about how long my post became. Thank you all so much.

You're welcome, and no apologies.
We like posting give and take like this.
It distracts us from spanking each other.

 

[CutieMouse]

I am still not sure how to reply to multiple people together, so I shall just do it here. First let me say, I am blown away by the number of responses I have got and how well thought out they are. Thank you. You have given me much food for thought.s one of you have raised important questions, some that I did not even think of and I shall attempt to answer it.

1. Farawyn: I honestly did not think online relationships can spill into your daily life. Thank you for making that clear. This is something I need to consider.

Online can become as real life as you let it... Letting pixels on a screen decide what you wear is pretty fucking real, IMO. Once upon a time I (gradually) changed my entire wardrobe at the suggestion/request of someone I never even met face to face. At the time it was comforting, erotic, controlling, etc. in hindsight it was somewhat idiotic of me to give that much control to pixels on a screen/a voice on the phone.

2. CutieMouse: the second point you mention and the questions you raise are hard. I shall try to address this as honestly as I am able. In my rather poor understanding of D/S but in terms of what I want regardless of what the correct term would be: I want to feel a dryness in my throat when I hear his voice, even if it is telling me what dress to wear. I want to be spanked till my ass is red. Somedays, not always, I don't want to be the one making every single decisions but simply following orders unquestioningly. I want to be tied down and taken. Somedays, I simply want to be fucked, not made love to. Somedays, I do not want to be asked if I want to have sex, I don't want to be given the choice. But, I dont want it always. It's not something I can see myself doing 24X7, but I have needs for a more rougher handling from time to time. Yes my boyfriend understands this need. I have talked about it with him but he finds the idea repulsive. In terms of my online presence, yes we understand that the PM shall turn to sexualized topics and I intend to discuss this experience with him if it gets beyond what we agreed upon. Just to clarify, what we agreed upon is: he would be okay with me talking and exploring amd being told what to do, by someone online, as long as we both maintain absolute anonymity.

I'm having a difficult time seeing how those desires can be filled ONLINE. Most of what you describe needs the physical. Online fantasy is a pale comparison and not quite like the real thing (having done both).

I asked what you thought it might be like, because sometimes people let the lanuguage of kink (dominance/submission) get in the way. They only think whips & chains, without knowing any better.

My primal, dominant beast of a lover? He brings me coffee in bed, does dishes on occassion, loves hearing me voice my opinion, doesn't pick out my clothes (because he doesn't want to), and just happens to have free reign to fuck me silly whenever he likes - which he also doesn't do as much as I'd sometimes like, because at some point marathon sex = higher odds of hurting me than he likes.

It's a normal relationship, just like anybody else. The only difference is I'm more likely to defer to him than not, he's comfortable NOT exercising as much control as I'm willing to offer, and we are insanely compatible in bed. Off the charts. lol I retain a hell of a lot of autonomy; he gets what he wants; we both expect our needs to be met

3. Consilience: you were quite clear thank you. By a change of lifestyle, I mean a decision whether my desire to submit is strong enough to want to bring it to my life, I haven't thought about what that means. But, I felt it is important to atleast see whether it is a passing fancy or if I really do have a submissive side in me to warrant this real world decision.

IMO, if you're interested enough to be seeking out an online arrangement, knowing your boyfriend can't meet your sexual curiosity (with no interest in even attempting it)... I'd say it's probably not a passing fancy.

Also, as pointed out by NeoMask and Necrosomantic, as well as all you other posters, I shall then try to engage, read more and see.

I really appreciate everything everyone of said. In terms of the PMs I have received, I haven't really got any that did not give a vibe of what CutieMouse mentioned as a cheap way to get porn. Yes some were nice and friendly but most offers of dominance seemed like a quick way to spend an evening talking dirty.

At this point, I think I shall try an advert on BDSM personals as a last resort, keeping in mind all that you say and then, if I don't get what I think I am looking for, I shall simply stop searching and try to figure my interests out by interacting here.

I am sorry about how long my post became. Thank you all so much.

I usually suggest women turn OFF PMs for a month or three while working on themselves/"studying" kink for a bit until they are comfortable enough to set a few boundaries. The boards are safer than PMs - kinda like meeting for coffee instead of a hotel room. Oh, and go ahead and read up on sub frenzy. Just to get ahead of the curve.

 

[SunlitAsrai18]

Thank you. I have decided to turn PMs off.

 

[SunlitAsrai18]

You can always ask questions on the board... anything you want to know can be handled in a public arena where other people can learn too.

If you really want to exchange PM's with just one person, you can put them on your "buddy" list and then you can exchange PM's with just them - like one of the smart women around here - Cookie or CutieMouse, Farawyn, SpunThings or Elle to name just a few that commented on your thread here...

Welcome to Lit.

And if you haven't done so already - you may want to introduce yourself on the newbie sticky thread at the top of the page.

Additional resources are available in the stickie library also at the top of the page.
Poke around. You will find all kinds of good stuff and it will bring new questions to mind. The only stupid question is the one you do not ask.

(((hugs)))
cb

Thank you CB. I am slowly realizing there is no one magic answer. I did find a local meet and greet this weekend at a pub nearby. I am trying to see if my boyfriend will be atleast willing to attend.
Yes I shall build up a buddy list, thank you.

Well in that case I don't belong here either.

YAY! a fellow outsider to keep me company!

I jest. There is no requirement, though it helps to be interested in the lifestyle. Welcome to the board.




Probably for the best? (at least for now). You can set it to buddies only, and then PM people to let them know/ ask about being buddies, exchanging PMs from there.

I understand now how open this forum is, I didn't realize it will be so. Thank you.

 

[cookiecat]

Good for you for exploring real life stuff! When I started going to local events, I went by myself and I was so nervous. Everyone was great, it was fun. That was 8 years ago. I made some really good friends.

Hope you have fun!

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]