now what?

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[spankdmom]

My Recommendation

I was in a relationship like that once, I cannot say if it's BDSM, because i think the term means different things to different people. But, I gave up on a relationship once where I wanted the guy to be dominant,especially in the bedroom, and I thought he didn't like it. It turned out that he did like it, but it was so foreign and new to him that it really took him some time to get into it. I would recommend taking your time and introducing it to him in bits and pieces. If he truly isn't interested or, even worse, things it's revolting or something, then you may want to consider if you can be happy in that circumstance. Ultimately, no one can truly tell you what to do, I think, it's really up to you and what you think you can live with.

 

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[brioche]

BDSM has many areas:

SM is sadism and masochism. The are also areas involving bondage...
DS is Dominance and submission - sounds like that's what you like.

 

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[graceanne]

Yes, that must be it.
I am only submissive sexually though, I think. Is it common for people to have that difference?
Or is it possible that I am submissive in daily life as well, but since I have not been exposed to that side, it is kind of "asleep"?

Yes their are people who are only submissive in the bedroom. Nothing wrong with it, as long as your SO doesn't care.

And it's also possible that if you try to be submissive all the time you might like it. *shrugs*

 

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[Evil_Geoff]

When one likes to be dominated, but does not like pain, is that also considered a part of BDSM?
I would love being told what to do (sexually), given assignments, shown off, loaned, etc.
I am in a long term relationship with someone who does not share that part of my sexuality, any suggestions? I mean this site has been great, but it also made me realize that I am missing something even more.

My first long term BDSM relationship was kind of the flip side of this. My girl was married (they're poly) but she could not submit very well in the relationship. 50/50 marriage was just too deeply ingrained in her. But being poly, she was able to have that outside relationship where she could submit to me. Her husband knew about it, was cool with it, even helped me out with punishments from time to time.

But being poly in a relationship requires great security and deep trust. It requires patience and commitment. heyokah was not my primary romantic/erotic relationship, and I was not hers. But in the D/s realm I was her master, she was my slave. I scened with her, used her as I saw fit. I learned a LOT about myself and this lifestyle with her and I am eternally grateful for that experience.

I don't know if your SO (or you for that matter) has the trust, patience, commitment and security in your relationship to consider or try a poly relationship. I do not advocate poly as a lifestyle unless ALL parties concerned are ready to accept the consequences if it works, or even more importantly, if it fails.

It appears that you have an open, communicating relationship with your SO. That's a GOOD thing! It's just that if your submission was more for the masochistic side of SM rather than sexual submission, it might be easier. I know a lot of people who are much quicker to accept their partner getting SM play on the side than having sex outside the relationship.

I don't have any easy or quick answers. Have your SO read "When Someone You Love Is Kinky", or maybe "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns". Drag him to one of your local munches a few times. A lot of men will blossom into budding Dominants when they find out that they are NOT alone in their feelings, and that their partner is SERIOUS when she says "I want you to take charge, dominate me, let me be your fuck-toy"... It takes time, effort and patience to overcome a lifetime of social program.

Stick with it, and good luck!

 

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[Evil_Geoff]

Thank you Geoff for your thoughtful reply, I appreciate it very much.

We do have some experience outside of "normal" sex. For example, we have been to a few couples clubs and sometimes I bring over some girls too.

You are very welcome!

I take it that by "couples clubs" you are refering to places where swingers (at least thats what we called partner swapping back in the day... ) gather together?

How did you get to know that couple? And what do you mean when you write "local munches?"

kah and I were introduced through online chat in Yahoo's adult forums. I had gotten to know her Master (not her husband) and was very much fascinated by their relationship. After he released her, I spent quite a bit of time getting to know her before proceeding with the relationship. I was aware from the start that she was otherwise attached, and what the limits of our relationship would be. I spoke with her husband (at that time fiance), we corresponded, and pretty much all three of us became friends.

Munches = BDSM group meetings = contraction of "Meeting for lunch". The term was coined by a BDSM group that met at a restaurant for lunch, and the name stuck... and spread. And spread. Typically a munch takes place in a private room of a restaurant, with a meal/social period, then a BDSM topic discussion session. Meetings are no longer restricted to lunch hours but can take place as breakfast or more commonly, dinner.

Some groups will have play parties (SM play) AFTER the munch, at another location, some groups will have their munches in a meeting or conference room while everyone does "pot luck" for food, some munches are held in private homes.

To find groups in your local area, I suggest going to SceneUSA, the grandad of all BDSM group lists: http://www.darkheart.com/sceneusa.html

Hope that helps!

 

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[Richard49]

When one likes to be dominated, but does not like pain, is that also considered a part of BDSM?
I would love being told what to do (sexually), given assignments, shown off, loaned, etc.
I am in a long term relationship with someone who does not share that part of my sexuality, any suggestions? I mean this site has been great, but it also made me realize that I am missing something even more.

I have read the other replies
and here I see a problem with proper defintions

DS in BDSM does NOT stand for domination and submission

but Domination and submission
are states of being and can exist without
bdsm

Sounds like you are niether a bottom or pain slut
but you are a submissive
possible even a slave

As to what to do with your SO
that's a tough call
but from my personal experence if you truly are a submissive or slave
you will always feel incomplete and at lest partially empty
with in the type of relationship you are in

 

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[Richard49]

Good morning Richard,
Okay, now I am truly confused, you are saying that DS does NOT stand for dominance and submission? Then what does it stand for?
I hope that you are wrong about the "void" part, but feel that you are right, grrrr.
Thank you as well for replying to my post.

I do not post
in fact I do not read
the boards often
partly because of the shit I ge for my stands on things like this
and partly because of the sad ass info that is passed around

The idea that DS in BDSM is Domination and submission
has been going around to far and to often

He who does not learn from history etc

The S stand for sadism
the D does stand for domination
but not in the sence of D/s

some say historically DS stands for dominate sadist

I can not speak specficaly for you
but from my personal experence and the experence of other
D/s folks ... when they are not able to function from there D or S being
they/I have felt a void .... a painful deep void

For me I just do not particpate in realtionships
and the void become numb

 

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[chris9]

For me I just do not particpate in realtionships
and the void become numb

That just made me incredibly sad.

I don't know anything about you or your relationship, about what sort of commitment we're talking, so take what I say as it might fit, or leave it if it doesn't.
I live together with my boyfriend. We have been together for more than six years. I'm mostly masochistic in my submissiveness. My honey is neither very sadistic nor very dominant. It took me five years to tell him in plain words, so he understood, what I really want. We've been working on it since then. Now sex often includes some (mostly) little pain stimulations for me, sometimes a bit domincance/play punishment. It seems to be working at the moment.
I understand you're feeling more empty since you found this forum. I actually thought my fantasies were only that, fiction, until I came here. And I found out that there are 'real' dominants. There are tough times when I struggle. There are good times when I'm happy. I believe him and I can work it out together to our mutual satisfaction.

As for the term BDSM, despite what Richard feels it means, I still find that for me Dominance and Submission are in there. Then again I see my own submissiveness as sexual only, so it seems right to put it into a term that to me has sexual connotation only. In my book it stands for Bondage, Discipline/Dominance, Sadism/Submission, Masochism. I don't think Dominance and Submission were in there originally, but they fit in nicely for me.

 

[Richard49]

As for the term BDSM, despite what Richard feels it means, I still find that for me Dominance and Submission are in there. Then again I see my own submissiveness as sexual only, so it seems right to put it into a term that to me has sexual connotation only. In my book it stands for Bondage, Discipline/Dominance, Sadism/Submission, Masochism. I don't think Dominance and Submission were in there originally, but they fit in nicely for me.

it is not what Richard feels.
Richard does feel and believe that those who twist the definations
to meet there standards are either
1) historically off base
2) could care less what langauage means ... unless it effects them personally...
3) twist the lanage so they can be happy
4) twist the language so they get what they want no matter how much it hurts others
5) they are just lazy

It is not your book or my book
it is what the defintions that have been selected and agreed on

See we have had to add some words because some felt that D/s should be a wide open door/umbralla ... words like sensulist .. they are not D or S ... they use some part of BDSM just for the physical sensation ....

D/s is about the mind .. it is about the "willing" exchange of power ...
it is about surrender and command ... it is about feeling reward from just surrendering and commanding ...

oh well this is proable a waste of time
cause most here do not want to hear and learn
they want justifcation for there behavor

 

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[Kajira Callista]

I don't know anything about you or your relationship, about what sort of commitment we're talking, so take what I say as it might fit, or leave it if it doesn't.
I live together with my boyfriend. We have been together for more than six years. I'm mostly masochistic in my submissiveness. My honey is neither very sadistic nor very dominant. It took me five years to tell him in plain words, so he understood, what I really want. We've been working on it since then. Now sex often includes some (mostly) little pain stimulations for me, sometimes a bit domincance/play punishment. It seems to be working at the moment.
I understand you're feeling more empty since you found this forum. I actually thought my fantasies were only that, fiction, until I came here. And I found out that there are 'real' dominants. There are tough times when I struggle. There are good times when I'm happy. I believe him and I can work it out together to our mutual satisfaction.

As for the term BDSM, despite what Richard feels it means, I still find that for me Dominance and Submission are in there. Then again I see my own submissiveness as sexual only, so it seems right to put it into a term that to me has sexual connotation only. In my book it stands for Bondage, Discipline/Dominance, Sadism/Submission, Masochism. I don't think Dominance and Submission were in there originally, but they fit in nicely for me.

i dont know if the internet and the need for shortening everything added in the dominance and submission but in my book which is sadly almost 20 years old it meant bondage discipline sadism masochism. I think Richard has the same book where D/s is something different and can exist without the other stuff. To me they are separate, and if im not mistaken they are to Richard also.

 

[Richard49]

i dont know if the internet and the need for shortening everything added in the dominance and submission but in my book which is sadly almost 20 years old it meant bondage discipline sadism masochism. I think Richard has the same book where D/s is something different and can exist without the other stuff. To me they are separate, and if im not mistaken they are to Richard also.

kc
you got the same book <smile>
and I am pleased to not have the only copy

 

[Kajira Callista]

kc
you got the same book <smile>
and I am pleased to not have the only copy

 

[FurryFury]

I think you are asking a oft repeated question around here. How to get your lover to go from nilla to what you feel a deep desire for. Is that right? You are feeling very frustrated because he won't try the things you want him to?

If so you might try some of these threads which were in the library above.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=78920

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=79708

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=83298

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=86734

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=102826

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=102892

I hope this helps.

Fury

 

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[FurryFury]

FurryFury, yes, what you say has a lot to do with what it is that I want, need, long for, am curious about, absolutely gotta have in order for me to feel fulfilled.

But at this point, I am rather doubtful that my SO will ever go "there". Actually, no that is a lie, I don't want it from him. Not like this, and not anymore.

I am not sure if this makes any sense,but if you would hypnotize me and ask me what I want, it would be him, Vanilla, and then some other person for my other darkest desires and needs. But only without hurting him.
What it probably comes down to is my having to choose between what I think I want, and what I know is good.
Anyone seen a chicken around, cause I smell some shit.

I think you need to take a deep breath or many and try to be patient with yourself. You aren't sure yet. You have understandable fears. Give yourself time.

*hugs*

Fury

 

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