UnpublishedEroticaWriter
Overactive Sloth
- Joined
- Aug 6, 2020
- Posts
- 222
Atlantic Rim. A Pacific Rim Ripoff that was more than happy to let you know it's a ripoff. Where the made for DVD movie goes from the bargain bin to the trash bin. A quarter of the movie budget, and zero of the talent. Which was a low bar already.
It begins with an oil rig getting attacked by a CGI serpent from the 1990s. There goes the monster reveal in the first 5 minutes. And it somehow destroys a satellite so no one knows what happened. Because apparently there is only one satellite in the entire movie. Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket.
The so-called heroes start off the movie drinking and the hero 'Red' careless stumbles into a pothead during Mardi Gras. The pothead calls him a 'squid' while he is wearing army fatigues. Not Navy. So Red picks a fight for a problem he caused. What follows is a scene so uninspired you can pass out in boredom watching it. I've seen toldders put up more of a skirmish.
Afterwards, the female blonde 'hero' Tracy then says," Have a nice day, ladies." Which is both sexist and insulting. She does realize she is a woman, right? So there is a real kick to the groin for women empowerment.
They follow this with a drunken high five. That they both miss. A more believable result would have been a drunken high five that he misses, slips on some mardi beads, and falls head first into a nearby flithy trash can. The trash can tips over rows down the alleyway and off the pier with him inside. That's the amount of jackassery these guys embolden. It's like this movie was written by Johnny Knoxville. Roll credits. Nope. Only 10 minutes into the film.
The next big reveal is the generic Gobots. About 1/4 the size from the Pacific Rim ones and all identical. Just like the heroes.
They do a slow-motion walk of the good guys like they are The Avengers or something. When all they've done so far is get drunk, pick fights and delivery bad, cheesy one-liners.
They end up dropping the mini-me robots into the ocean (Where they should have left them) to go find what happened to the oil rig. Instead of.. IDK rescue vessels looking for survivors in that little underwater sub that vaished at the start of the movie. Because for some reason they think they need fighting robots. They reach the bottom where it looks like they ran out of money to show anything. You can see the robots and pretty much nothing else. "Look at the ship graveyard down here." If you say so. I can't see shit.
First fake scare turns out to be a whale because no one has ever seen one on a radar before.
These three Einstein ignore orders and chase the sea monster to shore. Where it starts to kill people in the ensuing combat. If Red is chasing the monster how does he end up at the beach first?
The hero tries to use the rail gun on the monster. It knocks it away and he destroys a building with it instead. Congrats! You just killed more people then the sea monster you chased onto the shore. Worst hero ever. Anyways, Top Gun wannabe flies out and kills the monster with a missle. Making the robots kinda pointless.
"I about to win the medal of honor,"says the pilot." And you're about to get the 'Sea Monster Slayer' Boy Scout Badge.
They send MP's to arrest Red not because he got a bunch of innocent people killed but because he disobeyed orders.
Somehow the streets are full of bodies laying everywhere. Not wounded, stunned, slightly injured just dead. With what I can only guess is Hunt's ketchup as the blood.
Don't worry he does meet up with his two other idiot friends and they all hug and high five each other. While surrounded by people he accidentally killed.
Red describes his monster battle like a surfer riding a killer wave. Well, he was on Baywatch. Some MPs come to arrest him and he asked if they want a autograph. Don't have a pen? Just write it in blood from one of the many bodies literally everywhere.
Tracy says,"He just saved the world.' With a straight face. He didn't even kill it. It took one fighter jet to finish it. This wasn't fricken Godzilla.
Then some guy comes running up and says his daughter is missing. Jim (the black guy.) goes off to find the daughter in a bar that's on fire. Because that's obviously the first thing they teach is to run into a burning building. In he goes looking for the girl with his gun out. So either he plans to shoot at the fire or the girl.
He reassures the girl he is part of a Super Hero Team. Only one of them caused the death of 100's of people so go with him. "If we don't get out of here real quick we are gonna burn to death," he tells her. Looks like Operation: 'Make a little girl piss herself' is going as planned.
He is right next to the exit door holding the girl. Shifts to outside. 5 seconds later explosion on second floor. 5 seconds after that he exits. Was the door locked? I'm sure Jim will be killed off before the movie is over.
35 minutes into the movie. I'll write the rest later.
It begins with an oil rig getting attacked by a CGI serpent from the 1990s. There goes the monster reveal in the first 5 minutes. And it somehow destroys a satellite so no one knows what happened. Because apparently there is only one satellite in the entire movie. Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket.
The so-called heroes start off the movie drinking and the hero 'Red' careless stumbles into a pothead during Mardi Gras. The pothead calls him a 'squid' while he is wearing army fatigues. Not Navy. So Red picks a fight for a problem he caused. What follows is a scene so uninspired you can pass out in boredom watching it. I've seen toldders put up more of a skirmish.
Afterwards, the female blonde 'hero' Tracy then says," Have a nice day, ladies." Which is both sexist and insulting. She does realize she is a woman, right? So there is a real kick to the groin for women empowerment.
They follow this with a drunken high five. That they both miss. A more believable result would have been a drunken high five that he misses, slips on some mardi beads, and falls head first into a nearby flithy trash can. The trash can tips over rows down the alleyway and off the pier with him inside. That's the amount of jackassery these guys embolden. It's like this movie was written by Johnny Knoxville. Roll credits. Nope. Only 10 minutes into the film.
The next big reveal is the generic Gobots. About 1/4 the size from the Pacific Rim ones and all identical. Just like the heroes.
They do a slow-motion walk of the good guys like they are The Avengers or something. When all they've done so far is get drunk, pick fights and delivery bad, cheesy one-liners.
They end up dropping the mini-me robots into the ocean (Where they should have left them) to go find what happened to the oil rig. Instead of.. IDK rescue vessels looking for survivors in that little underwater sub that vaished at the start of the movie. Because for some reason they think they need fighting robots. They reach the bottom where it looks like they ran out of money to show anything. You can see the robots and pretty much nothing else. "Look at the ship graveyard down here." If you say so. I can't see shit.
First fake scare turns out to be a whale because no one has ever seen one on a radar before.
These three Einstein ignore orders and chase the sea monster to shore. Where it starts to kill people in the ensuing combat. If Red is chasing the monster how does he end up at the beach first?
The hero tries to use the rail gun on the monster. It knocks it away and he destroys a building with it instead. Congrats! You just killed more people then the sea monster you chased onto the shore. Worst hero ever. Anyways, Top Gun wannabe flies out and kills the monster with a missle. Making the robots kinda pointless.
"I about to win the medal of honor,"says the pilot." And you're about to get the 'Sea Monster Slayer' Boy Scout Badge.
They send MP's to arrest Red not because he got a bunch of innocent people killed but because he disobeyed orders.
Somehow the streets are full of bodies laying everywhere. Not wounded, stunned, slightly injured just dead. With what I can only guess is Hunt's ketchup as the blood.
Don't worry he does meet up with his two other idiot friends and they all hug and high five each other. While surrounded by people he accidentally killed.
Red describes his monster battle like a surfer riding a killer wave. Well, he was on Baywatch. Some MPs come to arrest him and he asked if they want a autograph. Don't have a pen? Just write it in blood from one of the many bodies literally everywhere.
Tracy says,"He just saved the world.' With a straight face. He didn't even kill it. It took one fighter jet to finish it. This wasn't fricken Godzilla.
Then some guy comes running up and says his daughter is missing. Jim (the black guy.) goes off to find the daughter in a bar that's on fire. Because that's obviously the first thing they teach is to run into a burning building. In he goes looking for the girl with his gun out. So either he plans to shoot at the fire or the girl.
He reassures the girl he is part of a Super Hero Team. Only one of them caused the death of 100's of people so go with him. "If we don't get out of here real quick we are gonna burn to death," he tells her. Looks like Operation: 'Make a little girl piss herself' is going as planned.
He is right next to the exit door holding the girl. Shifts to outside. 5 seconds later explosion on second floor. 5 seconds after that he exits. Was the door locked? I'm sure Jim will be killed off before the movie is over.
35 minutes into the movie. I'll write the rest later.
