Novice seeks opinions

[GeorgieH]

Hi Literoticans,

I love to come here and read all your wonderful (and not so wonderful) stories and finally decided that maybe I could contribute something of worth. Of course, now that I have managed to scribble down a few words I'm sure that it must be terrible, but I've decided to post anyway.

Obviously, I'm a novice but I do know that the only way to improve what I do is by opening myself up to criticism and suggestions - so please help!


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=386949

 

[Guest]

Hi Literoticans,

I love to come here and read all your wonderful (and not so wonderful) stories and finally decided that maybe I could contribute something of worth. Of course, now that I have managed to scribble down a few words I'm sure that it must be terrible, but I've decided to post anyway.

Obviously, I'm a novice but I do know that the only way to improve what I do is by opening myself up to criticism and suggestions - so please help!


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=386949

Assuming that you're not being self-deprecating to deflect criticism, your assessment of your story is dead wrong--it's a very creditable effort for a first submission.

I'm a bit too tired for a lengthy critique tonight, but here are a few points to ponder:

I guessing that you didn't work with an editor before submitting this piece; that would help, particularly in terms of punctuation, pacing, and character development. Yours are not terrible by any means but could be much better.

The ending is weak, in my opinion, and I'd lose the very lame come-on at the end soliciting feedback, but that's just me.

Keep writing--you show potential.

 

[GeorgieH]

Thank you Gnome - I really was genuinely unsure about whether the story was any good, but the encouragement I have received from you and so many others has made this a very pleasurable experience.

Thanks also for your feedback, and your observations are spot-on. I'm already working on my next story and I'm being far more careful with the development, and have already called upon the services of an editor to help tidy things up.

A final thank you must go to all the lovely people who have sent me such wonderful comments, and to know I have brought some of you such pleasure is extremely rewarding (and not a little bit exciting!).

Georgie

 

[JohnBous]

A welcome addition

Hi Literoticans,

I love to come here and read all your wonderful (and not so wonderful) stories and finally decided that maybe I could contribute something of worth. Of course, now that I have managed to scribble down a few words I'm sure that it must be terrible, but I've decided to post anyway.

Obviously, I'm a novice but I do know that the only way to improve what I do is by opening myself up to criticism and suggestions - so please help!


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=386949

Thank you, Georgie, for 'opening yourself up' and you are a very welcome addition to the Lit-author ranks.

I have to agree with Gnome's comments but imagine that the sequel will be even better! The sense of innocence and daring that you bring to your character is both delightful and effective - her excitement is palpable.

Keep up the great work!

 

[GeorgieH]

Thank you, Georgie, for 'opening yourself up' and you are a very welcome addition to the Lit-author ranks.

I have to agree with Gnome's comments but imagine that the sequel will be even better! The sense of innocence and daring that you bring to your character is both delightful and effective - her excitement is palpable.

Keep up the great work!

Thanks for the feedback and your pm. I'm not sure whether this is the ideal place to mention this, but what I have written so far is pure fiction. There may be an element of wish-fulfilment or 'what-if' going on, but the ideas and concept are still well within my comfort zone. Following on from some of the feedback, however, I'm wondering whether anyone can advise me whether it would be wise to step out of that zone this early in my writing efforts? I'm full of enthusiasm right now, so any guidance or opions would be much appreciated.

Georgie

 

[txstanford]

Thanks for the feedback and your pm. I'm not sure whether this is the ideal place to mention this, but what I have written so far is pure fiction. There may be an element of wish-fulfilment or 'what-if' going on, but the ideas and concept are still well within my comfort zone. Following on from some of the feedback, however, I'm wondering whether anyone can advise me whether it would be wise to step out of that zone this early in my writing efforts? I'm full of enthusiasm right now, so any guidance or opions would be much appreciated.

Georgie

Hi Georgie: yes, I quite liked it, too. It's not visceral stuff but then any narrative with a guy called 'Dave' in it isn't going to be -- it's just me, I guess, but names in stories have an impact, just as the characters do (or should.)

As I'm never happy with names -- here's a fascinating woman character, for example, bright, sexy, gloriously unhibited. . . and then it turns out the author's called her 'Doris' -- I try to avoid using 'em, which is OK with a two-hander but problemmatical with a group.

Anyway. Re your 'comfort zone'. Fiction is fiction, if you want to 'push the envelope', as it were, then you need to push yourself. If that means using a wilder fantasy as a basis for a story, then that's OK.

Paradoxically though, even the most fabulous fantasy needs to have some credibility for it to work: there's many a writer's masturbatory trip on Lit. which I can't get into because of the preposterous nature of the narrative proposition (and then, all too often, the deadweight of a narrative style that in contrast to the events described is about as pedestrian as it can get.)

Good luck.

 

[JackLuis]

Hi Literoticans,

I love to come here and read all your wonderful (and not so wonderful) stories and finally decided that maybe I could contribute something of worth. Of course, now that I have managed to scribble down a few words I'm sure that it must be terrible, but I've decided to post anyway.

Obviously, I'm a novice but I do know that the only way to improve what I do is by opening myself up to criticism and suggestions - so please help!


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=386949

First: A lovely story, nice pacing and enough emotion to be reaistic.

You should have reread the story several times to catch the few errors in it, but what the hell eh?

I think you should continue to write, you've a got good style.

I had a hard on before she dropped her drawers and actually like the fact that the twins didn't end up shareing like so many authors would have done.

Sort of a "naked love story" <he smiled and wiped his chin>

 

[GeorgieH]

First: A lovely story, nice pacing and enough emotion to be reaistic.

You should have reread the story several times to catch the few errors in it, but what the hell eh?

I think you should continue to write, you've a got good style.

I had a hard on before she dropped her drawers and actually like the fact that the twins didn't end up shareing like so many authors would have done.

Sort of a "naked love story" <he smiled and wiped his chin>

Thanks Jack - that's very encouraging feedback (and I'm going to be extra careful when I check over the next story!).

I was particularly delighted to read that you were glad there was no intimate sharing. It just didn't feel right to me, but I know that so many authors here would have had them swapping so I was a little nervous at the reaction I would get by being relatively restrained.

Also, I have to admit that I've also got a real kick out of the descriptions I've received of people's more... um, intimate(?) reactions to the story - so thanks for adding to that number! To know that I've given a little pleasure like that is very rewarding, and rather exciting. It's certainly spurring on my next little tale...

Thanks again, Jack.

Georgie

 

[JohnBous]

Thanks for the feedback and your pm. I'm not sure whether this is the ideal place to mention this, but what I have written so far is pure fiction. There may be an element of wish-fulfilment or 'what-if' going on, but the ideas and concept are still well within my comfort zone. Following on from some of the feedback, however, I'm wondering whether anyone can advise me whether it would be wise to step out of that zone this early in my writing efforts? I'm full of enthusiasm right now, so any guidance or opions would be much appreciated.

Georgie

Hey Georgie,

The comfort zone thing... Obviously there's no absolute rights or wrongs in anyone's approach to their writing but my advice would be to develop things gradually. Writing is like physical exercise - your writing 'muscles' will develop with practice, and you'll gradually find that you can write more convincingly about subjects and characters for whom you have less empathy.

I'd also advise you to read a lot of stories about those topics that you wish to explore - find out what you like and dislike about those tales and use those things as reference points when creating your own story.

Whatever else you do - just make sure you keep on writing. I, for one, am looking forward to your next submission.

John

 

[mjl2010]

I read the story once, went back and skimmed it again, which is unusual for me. I didn't even notice it was in E&V until went back and looked. I found it refreshing and enjoyable to read.

What makes this a great story and especially fitting for the E&V category is how it is presented. We've got the shy lady and her sister in law who supposedly isn't shy and turns out not to be quite as bold as she lets on.

You did especially well leading the reader onward, making them want to see how far things went and what came next. As they got to the bedroom, I was prepared for a letdown. So many would have had the twins swapping and sharing. I was glad and happy they didn't. Very nicely done and done well in the truest sense of exhibitionism.

I think you could have ended this better in one of two ways. If you are really planning a second story, you could have brought the story to a close after they had sex on the bed with the twins and then moved off on their own to the guest room to get it on for the next six hours. What happened when they woke up could be the next story. If there was no plan for a second story, then tell what happened after Dave called out to Tim and Wendy and let that be the grand finale.

All in all, a very well done piece. You need an editor, thats been pointed out. Even if you read something over ten times, you will still miss stuff. We all do. You've got a couple of instances where your paragraphs get long. Abandon the paragraph rules you learned in grade school and high school and keep your paragraphs under ten to twelve sentences and preferably eight or less. The reason why has been beaten to death but it has to do with the ease of reading things on a screen, rather than a page.

My only other suggestion would be to separate the request for feedback from the story. I have taken to adding a short thank you for reading and please let me know what you think, in italics, after the story ends.

Keep writing. If this first piece of yours is any indication, you will do well.

MJL

 

[GeorgieH]

A special thank you to MJL - thank you for taking the time to offer me such useful, well-thought out feedback. I can only agree with your sentiments!

I'll be posting again very soon and, hopefully, mt writing will have benefited from all of the feedback.

Thanks again

Georgie