"Noturnal Emissions"

[christcat69]

OK guys, I need to ask. My new story got 944 veiws so far and only two people have voted. So why is it you guys read the story ( or whatever) and don't vote on it? HELP I need more feedback cats. [url]http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=42038[/URL]

"There is no sense but nonsense" Charles Manson

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Lonesome Town

christcat69
OK guys, I need to ask. My new story got 944 veiws so far and only two people have voted. So why is it you guys read the story ( or whatever) and don't vote on it? HELP I need more feedback cats.
http://www.lit...ry.php?id=42038


CC69,

Your vote total sounds about par for the course around here, at least recently. My third and latest epic has been around for ten days, gotten about 4900 views and 15 votes.

I posted the URL (by the way, yours doesn't work) and a request for feedback on this board and watched the poor, lonely sucker slowly sink off the first page w/o the benefit of any input.

For the time being, I'm assuming a view w/o a vote is a sign the reader is either a lazy cretin, and/or doesn't like the story. Maybe some of the four digit "old heads" can bring some perspective to the situation. But for now, it's a lonesome town around here if you're looking for votes, much less critiques.

By the way, CC69, how many stories have you read and given some feedback?

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Fairytat]

I voted and replied

CC,

I voted and sent a response detailing why I voted the way I did. Keep up the good work!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?page=1000&id=42038 (link to the story)

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

CC69

Very imaginative work, but it suffers from a dull ending, no plot or character developemnt and numerous mechanical erros.

Please remember, this feedback (which took nearly an hour to beat into shape) is strictly my humble, subjective, biased, and quiet possibly invalid opinion. Good luck, and keep writing.

Rumple Foreskin

--

(This sentence from the first paragraph, switches tense from present, IS, to past "WAS.") "She IS running through an immense garden labyrinth, running hard and fast like someone or something WAS chasing her."

She can feel such a strong pull each way. She can feel (Having two straight sentences beginning with "She can feel..." isn't wrong, but most writers try to avoid such situations unless they're trying for a special effect.) herself wanting to give in but some force urges her on. Some divine force needs her to keep moving. She's thinking," I can't give in, I can't give in," and at that very moment she stumbles over her own feet. Snakes slither over HER and wrap around HER, binding HER to the ground where she lay. --(Style points: "GIVE IN" is used three times in the last paragraph. In the last sentence, the reader is told she stumbles but not that she falls and yet she winds up on the ground. That last sentence also uses HER three times.)

The divine force urging her on is now gone. As she falls submissive to the serpents, (I thought she was already on the ground) she can feel the divine force suffocating (Doesn't the previous sentence tell the reader the DF is gone?) until it was no more. Now she is beginning to be overcome by new feelings of extreme desire and passion. This passion BURNS deep and pure, so pure the fire WAS almost blinding. (Another tense shift BURNS to WAS, in the last sentence.)

Suddenly,(I just read Elmo Leonard's list of ten things for writers to avoid. One of them was starting sentences with "Suddenly". It's a rule i often violate.) floating mysteriously above her, appears an enchanting being, too beautiful TOO (to) be deemed either male or female. This being WAS (tense shift, should be, "is") pure ionic, androgynous energy and NOW it didn't seem so threatening. (When did it seem "so threatening"?) Its eyes SEEMED (seem) to tell the story of the world, and possibly beyond.

Raven had already given in (4th use of "given in") to the shadows, (what "shadows") which were (omit "which were") grabbing at (maybe "reaching for?") her. She hadn't even noticed that her temptress had taken the form of a ravishing woman and had (omit "had") silently ordered the snakes away. (If Raven hadn't noticed these events, how does she know any of it was done?)

Now only (omit "only" unless something else has been "cradling") this being(')s eyes were cradling Raven into comfortable submission. Its eyes were pure blue like tropical waters, but there was no solidity to them. They contained endless knowledge and wisdom. (within the same paragraph, the narrator switches from talking about the being's eyes to the being in general) The depth of this being was infinite and mortals have lost their lives trying to find its core.

Held in this moment with (by?) animalistic lust and pure desire, Raven gives in (a variation of "give in") to her subconscious. This (The) delectable form stands before her, gazing into her eyes, holding her there so tight, in that look. (maybe just, "...holding her with that look.")

This wonderful incubus runs her slender, alabaster hands over the nape of Ravens neck, imprisoning her to submission. (IMHO, "...imprisioning her to submission." makes no sense.) Raven can no longer control her deep-seeded emotions, grabbing at her, pulling at the crotch of her pants.

At this moment, this nameless beauty grew its fangs, ripped the crotch out of HER (who? and with fangs?) pants, aggressively twisted HER (who?) body sideways and teased her with its fangs. (That last sentence contains at least two indefinite pronouns, in this case, "her". As the writer, you know precisely who "her" is, but the readers may not.) It (what?) felt so erotic and real that Raven moaned sweetly in the depths of her sleep. (

As HER (who?) back arched in euphoric bliss, her capture swirled her tongue gently over Ravens clit and abruptly spanked her. ("her x 4 in the last sentence, the first is kind of an indef. pronoun.) This made Raven even more wet and she began to quiver silently.

Her capture (captor) drew away from Raven and seductively wet its long, slender fingers. Raven's mind reeled as she straddled the first finger (isn't she on the ground?) and this gorgeous form resumed suckling and flicking her clit with its brilliant tongue. She penetrated her with a soft rocking motion at first, and then began slowly removing her finger, making Raven want it. (awkward sentence)

Just before (omit "just before") Raven thought she could take no more, (If you omit "just before," then add "but" at this point) her siren crammed two (more?) fingers inside her, hard and deep. Ravens thighs started to convulse and she could feel her heart stop.

This moment IS pure and simple; the most free Raven HAD felt in a long time. (tense shift, maybe, "...the freest Raven HAS felt...") She could no longer see anything. She could (if you want to stay in the present tense, "could" should be "can") only feel, these (those) fingers fucking her harder and deeper and this (that) tongue manipulating her so smoothly. Everything is black and suddenly she explodes, submitting to these hands and this tongue. She realizes she is in the blackness of her own bedroom. (IMHO, a flat, so-what, almost anti-climatic ending)

 

[sexyles69]

Enjoyed!

I enjoyed the story. Yes you have problems with past and present tense, but most people do. Just read over your stuff and you'll see where the problems are. Overall it was great how you portrayed the dream and reality states of your story!

 

[christcat69]

Thanks all!

I know I have a huge problem switching back and forth from past and present tense. I'm a gemini so I guess that explains it. I especially want to thank rumple foreskin for gutting it and putting the heart of it before me. This is the kind of input I need to fix these things.

SEXSYLES 69. YOU FLATTER ME TO MUCH BUT DON'T GET ME WRONG, I LOVE YOU FOR IT. HAVE A WONDERFUL AND SAFE HOLIDAY. THIS PIC IS FOR YOU DARLIN.
http://www.morticiasmorgue.com/hp/IngridCatTN.JPG

 

[sexyles69]

Thanks for the pic!

Hey I'm glad that I flatter you! That flatters me! When are you going to have another story written! I can hardly wait! Your stories are so imaginative. You feel as if you were in the story! I read your story to my girlfriend and let me just say THANK YOU! Hurry up and write another one! I'll be waiting.

 

[christcat69]

sexyles69

I need some inspiration for a new one man. That shouldn't be toooo hard though. I wrote one directly into the site when I first submitted and lost it completely. DUH, huh?
I'm having tempura tonight with my baby and watching "Devils Advocate" so I'm sure some twisted images will digress. I will have something ready hopefully by late next week. Thank you so much for the feedback.

 

[sexyles69]

Devil's Advocate is the greatest!

I love that movie! If you don't get some ideas flowing after watching that movie I don't know. I will be patiently waiting.

 

[amyfirst]

Same thing happens with poems: lots of reads, a few voters.
But it is exciting just to see my name here with my writings and know that people are getting pleasure in what I write, at least I hope they are, based on the feedback I get.

http://literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=39109

 

[sexyles69]

ORIGINAL SIN

You should watch Original Sin. That should get the juices flowing. That is a great movie! Angelina Jolie and Antonio Banderas in the same movie! Where all they do is fuck eachother. Or you know what your from Vegas, give us some of that strip club and hotel sex. Your in sin city that's gotta be the greatest.

 

[christcat69]

Lost Wages

Good movie!! Believe me Lost Wages sucks. It's a big fucking hole in the ground I just happened to get sucked into. I'll have one about sin city soon, ok?

 

[sexyles69]

Sounds good

Does it really suck that bad there! I would think it would be the greatest place in the US to live! Casinos, clubs, lights, strip clubs, and anything you want to do. I guess it's probably a good place to visit huh! Oh well