SweetSabiene
Virgin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2016
- Posts
- 1
Hey! Long time reader (like, years), first time poster. A warning beforehand 
:
This is basically... it's hard to explain. I guess short version would be I have a problem, a physical problem (as well as copious mental issues!) that essentially prevents me from having sex and I don't have anyone I feel comfortable talking about it to, so I was hoping I could basically unload almost 10 years of pain and frustration here. A few places I've tried to do this (non-sex forums) have all told me to get lost, get a life, etc, so this is basically my last resort. If you think I'm taking up valuable forum space with my personal shit, than do as the forum rules suggest and IGNORE ME. I'm not asking for help, I'm not asking for attention, I just need to tell someone. Don't you sometimes have things you just need to tell someone, anyone, strangers, because you can't keep it in and you have no one to confide in?
Ok, you've been warned. Disclaimer over. On with the convulted and long story that is my sad excuse for a life......
I was going to give you the whole saga, but you don't really wanna hear it or give a damn, so let's just cut to the chase, shall we?
I'm in my early 30's, been single almost 10 years, and oh, that's also how long it's been since I've had sex. Why? Well, leaving aside the various metal issues such as no self-esteem and depression, as well as the lack of physically attractive traits due to being fat and having no physically redeeming feature such as amazing eyes or beautiful smile or great hair, I have another major issue.
It hurts to have sex.
And I'm not just talking "haven't done it in a while and so everything's a bit tight." No, no. I went to a gynaecologist when this first started happening, 10 years ago, and she took a q-tip, pressed it gently against my vaginal muscles, and nearly had me screaming in agony. Basically, I have the complete opposite problem of most women, especially those who have given birth. Most women are too loose in their vag muscles. I'm way, way, WAY too tight. I can't even have someone push a finger into my cunt without it causing me intense pain.
And for many years, I could live with that. My deprsssion and no-self-esteem meant I thought "why worry? It's not like anyone will WANT to have sex with you. Not even the most desperate rapist would want to touch you. Hell, you'd be the best aversion therapy ever for a rapist. Anytime they get rapey thoughts, have them picture you, and bam! Problem solved." I know I'm saying this flippantly, but this is honest truth. This is what I firmly believe about myself.
But now, now it's been almost 10 years, I've travelled across America, gone back home to Canada, seen more of my current home country Australia, and recent,y did a huge 3 month tour of Europe, where I got to live a dream and finally get to some of the greatest heavy metal festivals in the world. All the while secretly hoping that maybe I'd meet someone special. I met lots of people, made a heap of new friends, but not one of the guys I thought "hmmmm...." about saw me as anything other than a metal fan and one of the boys. Story of my life. And at a time when, maybe it's the whole biological clock thing, but I really, really wanna have sex. I have a bucket list, and though it's not written on it in case family/friends see, there is a secret desire, "have enjoyable sex once more before I die." And the sad thing is, I don't think it's gonna happen.
I wanted a family, I wanted kids, I wanted a husband and love and all that crap. I wanted a life. I wanted consensual, enjoyable, orgasmic sex. And one more kick in the teeth from whatever higher power you may/not believe in. I've been going to physio for my fucked up back (backpacking around Europe for 3 months when you're already unfit and fat, not the best way to go about it!) and we've come to the tentative conclusion that all this vaginal pain and tight muscles is caused by the tension of the muslcles in my butt/lower back. Cause when the physio does the massage thing, I feel my cunt get warm and excited.
So, now, when I'm over 30, nearing the end of my child-bearing years (I am NOT gonna be one of those creepy, over 45 moms), fat as an elephant and unlikely to lose it, with no career prospects or other inducements for a guy to at least be with me for comfort sake and cheat on the side where I don't find out until too late as my previous and only partner did, now when I've finally found a possible cause and cure, now when I'm seriously damn horny, it's all too late. And it's a great representation of what my life has been. Something so simple as enjoying sex, something billions of women do and have all over the world every minute of every day, even while I'm writing this and you're reading it, something that simple and natural, is something I can't and may never have. Thanks universe.
So that's the short story of where I am today. How I got here is incredibly long. But if you've read this and are disgusted with mr, thinking I'm a whining bitch and at least I haven't suffered the trauma many other women do who wind up i. The same place, remember that I WARNED YOU this post was a personal need to vent/share/explain, so it's you're own damn fault if you're offended or angry or think I'm a pathetic fat ball of slime searching for attention. Like I said, I'm not asking for help, or attention or anything, I just needed to put it all into worlds, even typed words, because holding them inside for almost a decade.... well, I won't go into it. No doubt I've said more than enough.
And if anyone has read all this and is sympathetic, thank you for your patience, tolerance and understanding. If ily there were more people like you in the world, ready to listen without the need to judge or place blame. Thank you.
:This is basically... it's hard to explain. I guess short version would be I have a problem, a physical problem (as well as copious mental issues!
) that essentially prevents me from having sex and I don't have anyone I feel comfortable talking about it to, so I was hoping I could basically unload almost 10 years of pain and frustration here. A few places I've tried to do this (non-sex forums) have all told me to get lost, get a life, etc, so this is basically my last resort. If you think I'm taking up valuable forum space with my personal shit, than do as the forum rules suggest and IGNORE ME. I'm not asking for help, I'm not asking for attention, I just need to tell someone. Don't you sometimes have things you just need to tell someone, anyone, strangers, because you can't keep it in and you have no one to confide in?Ok, you've been warned. Disclaimer over. On with the convulted and long story that is my sad excuse for a life......
I was going to give you the whole saga, but you don't really wanna hear it or give a damn, so let's just cut to the chase, shall we?
I'm in my early 30's, been single almost 10 years, and oh, that's also how long it's been since I've had sex. Why? Well, leaving aside the various metal issues such as no self-esteem and depression, as well as the lack of physically attractive traits due to being fat and having no physically redeeming feature such as amazing eyes or beautiful smile or great hair, I have another major issue.
It hurts to have sex.
And I'm not just talking "haven't done it in a while and so everything's a bit tight." No, no. I went to a gynaecologist when this first started happening, 10 years ago, and she took a q-tip, pressed it gently against my vaginal muscles, and nearly had me screaming in agony. Basically, I have the complete opposite problem of most women, especially those who have given birth. Most women are too loose in their vag muscles. I'm way, way, WAY too tight. I can't even have someone push a finger into my cunt without it causing me intense pain.
And for many years, I could live with that. My deprsssion and no-self-esteem meant I thought "why worry? It's not like anyone will WANT to have sex with you. Not even the most desperate rapist would want to touch you. Hell, you'd be the best aversion therapy ever for a rapist. Anytime they get rapey thoughts, have them picture you, and bam! Problem solved." I know I'm saying this flippantly, but this is honest truth. This is what I firmly believe about myself.
But now, now it's been almost 10 years, I've travelled across America, gone back home to Canada, seen more of my current home country Australia, and recent,y did a huge 3 month tour of Europe, where I got to live a dream and finally get to some of the greatest heavy metal festivals in the world. All the while secretly hoping that maybe I'd meet someone special. I met lots of people, made a heap of new friends, but not one of the guys I thought "hmmmm...." about saw me as anything other than a metal fan and one of the boys. Story of my life. And at a time when, maybe it's the whole biological clock thing, but I really, really wanna have sex. I have a bucket list, and though it's not written on it in case family/friends see, there is a secret desire, "have enjoyable sex once more before I die." And the sad thing is, I don't think it's gonna happen.
I wanted a family, I wanted kids, I wanted a husband and love and all that crap. I wanted a life. I wanted consensual, enjoyable, orgasmic sex. And one more kick in the teeth from whatever higher power you may/not believe in. I've been going to physio for my fucked up back (backpacking around Europe for 3 months when you're already unfit and fat, not the best way to go about it!) and we've come to the tentative conclusion that all this vaginal pain and tight muscles is caused by the tension of the muslcles in my butt/lower back. Cause when the physio does the massage thing, I feel my cunt get warm and excited.
So, now, when I'm over 30, nearing the end of my child-bearing years (I am NOT gonna be one of those creepy, over 45 moms), fat as an elephant and unlikely to lose it, with no career prospects or other inducements for a guy to at least be with me for comfort sake and cheat on the side where I don't find out until too late as my previous and only partner did, now when I've finally found a possible cause and cure, now when I'm seriously damn horny, it's all too late. And it's a great representation of what my life has been. Something so simple as enjoying sex, something billions of women do and have all over the world every minute of every day, even while I'm writing this and you're reading it, something that simple and natural, is something I can't and may never have. Thanks universe.
So that's the short story of where I am today. How I got here is incredibly long. But if you've read this and are disgusted with mr, thinking I'm a whining bitch and at least I haven't suffered the trauma many other women do who wind up i. The same place, remember that I WARNED YOU this post was a personal need to vent/share/explain, so it's you're own damn fault if you're offended or angry or think I'm a pathetic fat ball of slime searching for attention. Like I said, I'm not asking for help, or attention or anything, I just needed to put it all into worlds, even typed words, because holding them inside for almost a decade.... well, I won't go into it. No doubt I've said more than enough.
And if anyone has read all this and is sympathetic, thank you for your patience, tolerance and understanding. If ily there were more people like you in the world, ready to listen without the need to judge or place blame. Thank you.
