Not Sure

[BookSmarts]

So, I've always been a little attracted to sexually confident men, but I'm not sure if I'm submissive, or in to BDSM at all. I mean, the idea does do "it" for me, but I've never been in a sort of situation where I've been dominated so I can't really know.

I guess what I'm really asking is: is it normal to want a man to take control, and stop asking things like, "are you okay?" Or, "am I hurting you?"

I'm honestly curious, so any ideas or pointers or whatever any of you could give me would be very much appreciated.

Thanks!
~ Kala

 

[unpredictablebijou]

So, I've always been a little attracted to sexually confident men, but I'm not sure if I'm submissive, or in to BDSM at all. I mean, the idea does do "it" for me, but I've never been in a sort of situation where I've been dominated so I can't really know.

I guess what I'm really asking is: is it normal to want a man to take control, and stop asking things like, "are you okay?" Or, "am I hurting you?"

I'm honestly curious, so any ideas or pointers or whatever any of you could give me would be very much appreciated.

Thanks!
~ Kala

I really don't think that an attraction to confident men means you're "submissive." What I hear you saying is really just that you'd like a skilled lover, one who already knows you're okay because he's paying attention to the way you're responding, or one who already knows he's not hurting you and doesn't have to check in constantly.

It's not a bad thing, really, to have a lover who is courteous and likes to check to see if you like what he's doing. My guess is that the more expressive YOU are within lovemaking, the less your lovers will feel the need to ask about your desires.

Like for example, some people sound pretty radical when they're making sex noises. If you're just moaning without actually making words like "yes" and "oh baby," he might think you're in pain. I know someone whose wife says that when he comes he sounds like you're slamming his hand in a car door. That can be confusing, if you don't know someone well enough yet...

By all means explore BDSM if you think there are things there you might like, but I wouldn't assume that an attraction to confidence and skill implies that you're submissive in any way.

good luck!

 

[reloaegarednu]

Not to hijack your thread or anything, but I figured I'd let you know (where you're sure to find it) that I can't respond to you because you don't have private messaging enabled for some reason. So, basically, I'm not ignoring you.

On-topic: the way I see it is that one has to be the former to be the latter, though not necessarily the other way around. There could be a sexually confident man who isn't a dom, but I have a hard time picturing a dom who can't stop asking "Am I hurting you?" etc.

 

[ultramarineblue]

There could be a sexually confident man who isn't a dom, but I have a hard time picturing a dom who can't stop asking "Am I hurting you?" etc.

Depends on if they want to hurt you. The similar question "Are you ok?" is important if you haven't really played with the person before though. I think a responsible PYL (Pick your label along the dominant end of the spectrum) is going to ask that since that person doesn't know how you show that. Tears equal good to some people but generally they would imply hurt in a bad way if you didn't verbally check.

To the OP: The only way to know something is to try it a little at a time. Find the things that turn you on and try them with someone you truly trust.

 

[neci]

To the OP: The only way to know something is to try it a little at a time. Find the things that turn you on and try them with someone you truly trust.

this.

in my opinion, sexuality evolves, as does the rest of life. it should not be stagnant. enjoy the exploration. if you find yourself drawn to the submissive side, find someone you can go there with, and see if it is truly for you. you never know for sure until you try.

 

[subwannabe]

Just because you're attracted to sexually confident men doesn't mean you're submissive. However, I do believe that most women are hardwired to be submissive. Some have overcome this through evolution but I would say the majority are either still hardwired or still have the genes, even though they're not active. It goes way back to the caveman days where the man would grab a woman by the hair, pull her into his cave, and fuck her brains out.

 

[~Haze~]

So, I've always been a little attracted to sexually confident men, but I'm not sure if I'm submissive, or in to BDSM at all. I mean, the idea does do "it" for me, but I've never been in a sort of situation where I've been dominated so I can't really know.

I guess what I'm really asking is: is it normal to want a man to take control, and stop asking things like, "are you okay?" Or, "am I hurting you?"

I'm honestly curious, so any ideas or pointers or whatever any of you could give me would be very much appreciated.

Thanks!
~ Kala

Hi Kala and welcome.

What you're feeling is not unusual at all. Women are attracted to confidence or certainly find it an appealing quality in a partner and lover and that is nothing new to anyone. Confidence is a world away from dominance and one doesn't necessarily mean the other.

It's always nice to have someone with knowledge and experience to show you around and shouldn't be surprised to learn that your experiences are more satisfying when your lover knows what he's doing. And as you start to understand what you like and become comfortable with sex/sexuality/your body/your fantasies your sexual "personality" will mature or evolve. That means new feelings, new discoveries, new fantasies and best of all... new experiences.

We all have varying degrees of interest in different things. Especially those of us here... on this board. From vanilla to every kink, interest, fantasy and fetish there is. Some might interest you. Some might not. Some would probably scar you for life (physically and emotionally). Some you've probably thought of or heard of (and might even like - or think you like), and some will be entirely new to you.

You don't have to be into all of them or any of them. You can simply like what you like, want what you want, and be aroused by what turns you on.

Forget about the label and what you think it means. If you want to label yourself "submissive", that doesn't mean that you have to want and like being bound to a cross and whipped (or whatever it is you associate with "being dominated"). It doesn't mean that you have to crave a relationship with a "Master" or "Sir" or "Daddy". You don't have to do things or want things that are associated with that label and role of "submissive".

Explore things that interest you, ignore things that don't. Remember.... you can stop at any time. Doing it once, doesn't mean that you have to do it all the time. You could find yourself aroused by a fantasy and find that reality doesn't turn you on and you can change your mind at will. I'd suggest that you just keep communicating with your partner so that he knows what's going on in your head.

You can be submissive and not be into anything other than your partner and making him happy. You can label yourself and consider yourself whatever you want. It doesn't have to be "all or nothing". Just do what feels natural. Communicate your thoughts, feelings, wants, and fantasies with your partner and it's as simple (and as complicated) as that.

 

[~Haze~]

Not to hijack your thread or anything, but I figured I'd let you know (where you're sure to find it) that I can't respond to you because you don't have private messaging enabled for some reason. So, basically, I'm not ignoring you.

And I was just wondering - "where is reloaegardenu and his brilliant and insightful contributions that we've grown used to over the last 6 posts?"

The perfect place to post a response to a topic, I've always found is... in the thread.

That way, we can all read, benefit and enjoy it.


:wink:
I'm just giving you a hard time, kid, but seriously... get it out there. That's what we're here for.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Just because you're attracted to sexually confident men doesn't mean you're submissive. However, I do believe that most women are hardwired to be submissive. Some have overcome this through evolution but I would say the majority are either still hardwired or still have the genes, even though they're not active. It goes way back to the caveman days where the man would grab a woman by the hair, pull her into his cave, and fuck her brains out.

Respectfully, and with the recognition that we're all just here to share our various opinions, I have to say that I totally, totally disagree with this.

 

[BookSmarts]

!!!

All I have to say is, "wow." I mean . . . Really. You all are all sorts of helpful. I mean, I was expecting maybe one or two replies and this kinda just made my day just a bit. So I'm just going to go about thanking and such this way. If it gets repetitive . . . stop reading.

unpredictablebijou: I'll be more vocal, definitely- thanks for the advice.

reloaegarednu: Really? Well, damn. I'll fix that. Once I figure out how.

ultramarineblue: I've done a bit of self-evaluation, and I'm pretty sure the reason I'm attracted to this whole shindig is because I have trust issues. It doesn't make too much sense without any explanation, but still- thank you so much for your feedback.

neci_please_me: I do enjoy trying new things . . . this is definitely on my list. Thanks!

subwannabe: You obviously aren't Italian. A submissive Italian woman is about as easy to find as a quiet one (I'm part Italian, fyi). Glad I go against the norm. Thank you!

~Haze~: Your response was, by far (no offense to the others), the most helpful. But I don't think it's just the confidence but (like I've said) I'm not sure. I think the label of what BDSM is creates a lot of expectations if not brow-raising when mentioned 'twixt the sheets, and reading an opinion that coincides with what I've wondered for quite a while really does help. I've seen a common idea throughout this whole thread, and that is thorough communication. I'll be sure to try it the next time around. Thank you so much for your reply!

Again- thank you all.