Not sure what to do with a Jessica Nigri fic

[Msunderland]

I've had a Nigri fic going for sometime with the premise essentially being her in a forest filled with tentacles and other "hentai-ish" nonsense. The first three chapters are well below my current writing ability and I honestly don't know what to do with it. I have four chapters on here currently. Just looking for anyone to bounce ideas around with, I'm kinda just at a loss about this thing.

 

[LupusDei]

I have four chapters on here currently. Just looking for anyone to bounce ideas around with, I'm kinda just at a loss about this thing.

Link maybe? Feeling lazy.

 

[Msunderland]

Link maybe? Feeling lazy.

https://www.literotica.com/s/strange-woman-strange-vacation-01

Chapter 1. Again, 1-3 are not at all up to my current ability or standard and I'm wondering if I should rewrite it, continue on, etc. I'm also just not really sure what to do in general. I've been really struggling with writers block for the last few months.

Side note: most of my works are not on this site.

 

[Gamina]

Have you thought about taking her out of that setting and just do a one off about a cosplay convention, or a photoshoot or just a slice of life piece?

 

[SimonDoom]

I read your story and will give you my thoughts. I need to say that until I looked her up I had no idea who Jessica Nigri is and had never heard of her.

Your prose is easy to read. I didn't see spelling or grammar mistakes.

"Alllllmost never wanna go back." She thought with a smile.

should be rewritten with a comma before the second quotation mark, and "She" should not be capitalized.

A general piece of advice I have about your prose is that you should try to use more active voice. You use the verb "to be" too much. Take your first sentence. Get rid of "was laid out before her" and replace it with "lay before her." Find ways of turning adjectives into verbs.

You don't establish your character. I have no idea who this person is. Now that I know something about Jessica Nigri from Wikipedia, your story relates no details specific to this person as a person. She could be any blond Jessica. Why have you chosen this as fanfiction? Why is she on vacation? Where is this place? Why did she pick it? What's her plan? You need to say something right away that establishes she is THE Jessica Nigri, not just any hot blond Jessica.

A good story starts with a character with a need. The need drives the story. Your character has no need.

She falls asleep -- why? What is this forest? What's going on?

If you are going to write a story with a weird green snake thing with a fetish for hot blondes, you need some foreshadowing. What is this thing? Why would it be in this forest? Is this a magical forest? You need to say something early on to indicate that something magical/weird is going to happen. It would be better, for instance, if Jessica mused at the beginning of the story about the forest, and rumors about it, or if she went there despite people warning her about it.

I'm not sure why you broke it into four chapters (I didn't read the others). This chapter seems incomplete to me. I'd like to know more about what's happening by the end of the chapter. The end of chapter 1 needs to set the tone and lay the table for what is going to happen next.

 

[Msunderland]

Have you thought about taking her out of that setting and just do a one off about a cosplay convention, or a photoshoot or just a slice of life piece?

That's because any other fics of her I saw all did that. I wanted something different.

 

[Msunderland]

I read your story and will give you my thoughts. I need to say that until I looked her up I had no idea who Jessica Nigri is and had never heard of her.

Your prose is easy to read. I didn't see spelling or grammar mistakes.

"Alllllmost never wanna go back." She thought with a smile.

should be rewritten with a comma before the second quotation mark, and "She" should not be capitalized.

A general piece of advice I have about your prose is that you should try to use more active voice. You use the verb "to be" too much. Take your first sentence. Get rid of "was laid out before her" and replace it with "lay before her." Find ways of turning adjectives into verbs.

You don't establish your character. I have no idea who this person is. Now that I know something about Jessica Nigri from Wikipedia, your story relates no details specific to this person as a person. She could be any blond Jessica. Why have you chosen this as fanfiction? Why is she on vacation? Where is this place? Why did she pick it? What's her plan? You need to say something right away that establishes she is THE Jessica Nigri, not just any hot blond Jessica.

A good story starts with a character with a need. The need drives the story. Your character has no need.

She falls asleep -- why? What is this forest? What's going on?

If you are going to write a story with a weird green snake thing with a fetish for hot blondes, you need some foreshadowing. What is this thing? Why would it be in this forest? Is this a magical forest? You need to say something early on to indicate that something magical/weird is going to happen. It would be better, for instance, if Jessica mused at the beginning of the story about the forest, and rumors about it, or if she went there despite people warning her about it.

I'm not sure why you broke it into four chapters (I didn't read the others). This chapter seems incomplete to me. I'd like to know more about what's happening by the end of the chapter. The end of chapter 1 needs to set the tone and lay the table for what is going to happen next.

It's actually very refreshing to have some real feedback though I feel I should explain something about this one. I started it after a very long break from writing, long enough to be incredibly rusty and amateurish about what I was doing. I basically had no real planning other than "I like the big baps and tentacles and stuff". I also had no one to give any real feedback so that's what I meant by "beneath my current ability".

You have a very good point about active voice, though. That I do still struggle with that but now I try much harder to establish world, characters, etc.