Not good at poetry.

[Lord DragonsWing]

Sorry, my poetry sucks basically. I've written two and have two more submitted. I'm not sure when they'll be approved. I write from the heart and am unsure.
This is the first of new submissions. I've been told it was very deep and some friends want copies. I'm just not sure. Could I have an honest opinion?

Mother’s Eyes

Sitting in the dark, Mother at my side.
Staring at my face, for the tears I try to hide.

“I know the symptoms quite well my son, I’ve watched the last few years.
I’ve seen you cry many times, I know all of your fears.”

I turn my face into the night avoiding my Mother’s eyes.
As I stare into the dark my soul begins to cry.

“Don’t hold it in, let it free. You’re a man out of your time.
Honor and chivalry are long gone, your beliefs are not a crime”.

I look into my Mother’s eyes as tears begin to flow.
Reaching out with a Mother’s love she looks into my soul.

“You believe in bygone days of love and trust, never to stray.
You make me proud the way you live and lucky is the girl you sway”.

Staring at the glistening stars I feel my body shudder.
Lost in the dark, drifting away like a ship without a rudder.

First her eyes and then her touch show the love of a Mothers devotion.
On her shoulders I begin to weep releasing years of built emotions.

 

[thenry]

Regardless of thematic merit, I see this poem as a good example of the easy traps of poetry. Such as

Rhyming.

Which isn't to imply that rhyming is wrong or even just bad, only that creating a rhyming poem is very difficult. If the rhymes force anything to sound unnatural then it has failed the poem. What do I mean by unnatural?

Forced Rhyme

This is when word order is changed force the rhyme. "Lucky is the girl you sway is a good example.

Meter

I think you have a good ear for meter and used it pretty consistently whether you meant to or not. I suspect you did and were into some odd corners. One wants to read the latter half of the fourth line as "I know all of your fears," however, in normal speech the sentence would be read "I know all of your fears." Say it to yourself outside of the poem.

Meter should reflect spoken emphasis and not what the poet voice inside of your head is saying. Also, meter in this form should be built upon syllabic constancy. Your first four lines are 10, 12, 15, and 13 syllables, respectively. The rhymes don't really work if they occur randomly throughout the poem no matter how you arrange them to show at the end of the lines. It's much more natural to have the rhymes and linebreaks at the same place and have the sentence or thought continue on the next line. (This property is known as enjambment and can be used to create artificial emphasis.)

Another is the last two lines: "built emotions." It's clear you mean built up emotions and have omitted a word for metric reasons. Then there are places (line 4 again) where a word has too many syllables and throws the meter off.

In general the poem reads as loose, like there are too many extra little words. Little words are wasted space.

General Grammar

Again, in order to be poetic or create some sort of parallel structure, grammar suffers. "Staring at my face, for the tears I try to hide. is not even a sentence. Further, if it had a subject, the comma is completely unnecessary.

Also, "mother" should only be capitalized when being used as a pronoun or stand in for a name. Line 1 is correct; line 5 is not. Also, on your second to last line, "Mothers" needs an apostrophe as well as a lower case letter.

Theme and Content

Which I imagine is what you actually want critiqued. I sense an idea with a lot of potential, but the poem itself doesn't make that much sense. It reads like you killed your image by forcing it into this poem. Conventions were added that just twisted the meaning away from you.

What I think you actually meant: Life is hard when you are a man out of your time. Mother knows this and, one night, convinces you it is okay to be different. In a nutshell.

The poem says something very different. I might be tempted to believe you are clever and using the actual words to subvert my expectations, however, what little I know of you convinces me otherwise.

For example, line 4: "I know all of your fears." If I were to believe the poem, the narrator fears that his beliefs are a crime, bygone days were not filled with love and trust, people strayed, and lucky is not the girl you sway. What would any of that mean, anyway?

Regardless of the fact that the narrator presumably does believe in love and trust and etc., yet is afraid to let his mother know. Why? Because he doesn't trust her?

Further, my biggest content problem, Lines 13 and 14. You feel your body shudder and feel like you are drifting like a ship without a rudder. While reading this poem, I thought the shudder was the "ship" losing its "rudder." Which is to say the narrator either decides to give up his beliefs, chivalry and honor, or loses them anyway and finds himself lost. However, even if lost, can finally release himself from years of built(-up) and apparently unpleasant emotion.

Contradictory? A little. What I believe you meant? Not at all.

Final Thoughts

Like I said, I think the idea is worthwhile. The poem may not be salvageable.

 

[minsue]

I knew there was a reason I waited before answering. Thenry, you're so very good at critiquing.

It was the forced rhymes that bothered me as well, LDW. Maybe if you tried simply letting the words spill out, without trying to make them fit a predetermined scheme, and edited from there?

(I'm even worse at giving advice on poetry than I am on love, so keep that in mind. )

 

[Lord DragonsWing]

Sorry ladies. It seems I messed up on this poem. You're corrections are correct. I should of posted here before submitting.

 

[jd4george]

LDW... don't be disheartened! The first step in writing poetry is to do it! That you chose to post it in public speaks volumes about your courage.

Thenry has offered amazingly wonderful advice, and should consider writing a column for some 'zine supported by us wannabes!

Having been in your shoes, LDW, I offer some simple considerations, (despite the fact that Thenry has covered them):

Most of us start writing poetry that rhymes. Some schoolmarm of our past introduced us to poetry as kids, and we quickly discovered the likes of Longfellow. The reason that so many of us now fail in rhyming, is because that SOB was so damn good at it!

Somewhere along the line, we decide it's okay to break out of those rules. So we try something like:

Rose are red,
violets are blue,
most poems rhyme,
but this one don't.

We all then go through a stage where we write what I like to call "poesy-woesy"... those silly little poems that talk about love and beauty and nature. We write them, because it seems safe. It seems profound. We soon discover that they're not. As a matter of fact, most feedback will be akin to "been there, done that... boring". We fall into the trap of cliche.

That's okay. We're supposed to go through that.

While you may not realize it yet, you have already discovered the next step. Read. Read everything. Read good stuff... read stuff that sucks. Watch what others do do words... and if you have to, steal concepts, (though always give credit where credit is due). And, ask questions.

Then sit in front of a blank piece of paper, and play.

Remember the meter that Thenry talked about? Everytime that I try to follow some roadmap about that, I realize that the only thing I know about meter is that "This is the forest primeval" is "iambic pentameter"... (thank you Miss Martin!).

But I also remember that meter has something to do with music, and it seems like the good stuff I read always has some music in the words.

As you begin to listen to the music of your words, I promise you, you'll begin to realize you have a voice. That discovery brings confidence.

In turn, that confidence gives you the courage to start truly critiquing the work of others, (as well as your own).

Don't be afraid of revisiting stuff, even if it has been published. I'm a big believer in the notion that no poem is ever really done. In my mind, it is about being a musician of words... you only get better if you practice. Once you're accomplished, you need to practice to keep your edge.

So, my friend... you have taken the first couple of steps. Those who have been around for a while, envy you, because we know the wonderful journey that you've undertaken.

Don't be bummed. The doubts you're feeling are a cool thing!