Not enough foretelling? Feedback req.

[sirsemega]

My latest story
Poly-Dexterous Moments
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=383844

deals with the moments when a relationship changes. The story is short and emotional but one of the issues I'm having is that the end result is too sudden. The question is, do you think there needs to be a moment foretelling the ending?

I tried to make the situation more realistic instead of literary, here, not sure if it works.

Please have a read and let me know what you think!

Thanks
~S~

 

[Guest]

My latest story
Poly-Dexterous Moments
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=383844

deals with the moments when a relationship changes. The story is short and emotional but one of the issues I'm having is that the end result is too sudden. The question is, do you think there needs to be a moment foretelling the ending?

I tried to make the situation more realistic instead of literary, here, not sure if it works.

Please have a read and let me know what you think!

Thanks
~S~

I think you do need to foreshadow the ending a bit more; it comes out of left field. I think part of the reason for is that (unless I'm overlooking something) Dan and Sharon never have one-on-one interaction; she's just a part of the group. I'm not sure you even stipulate that she and Dan have slept together. I had absolutely no mental picture of her until the very end, where she's a bit player suddenly promoted to the starring role.

On a second read-through I detected some very subtle foreshadowing:

"I'm here because I want to be here. I want to be with you Dan."

Then you dilute the foreshadowing somewhat by having Sharon continue,

"The others are the same."

Sharon was not bi-sexual and so she did not become intimate with the other girls, she was more of their sisters than a lover...

Even as something as simple as a few lines of dialogue with Dan in which Sharon talks about being patient and able to wait might provide enough foreshadowing.

 

[sirsemega]

Thanks,

Yeah that's a good way to add a little more depth to Sharon, have a conversation or activity with Dan.