Not a really new story but........

[Guest]

..........I started this story with no particular plan in mind. It - almost - wrote it's self. I'd appreciate some feed-back. The "Powers-that-be" asked me to edit the final chapter and I did. By the time I started on Ch 3 I was finding it harder and harder not to resort to soap opera. Does it show? BTW, I don't honestly expect readers to taake in the whole 3 chapters unless they choose to, but I'd really like comments about this chapter.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=64829

Thanks - in advance.
GP

 

[Guest]

Please.......

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I read the first page and it was very good.

It would really help the readibility of your story if you paragraphed more frequently. I would say that this is probably the biggest thing you could do to make your story more reader-friendly, as there's nothing quite as unpleasant on the eyes as seeing one big block of solid unrboken text on your screen. I think we all retain a memory of our early days of learning to read when the sight of a page without pictures would just make us shudder, and that's how non-paragraphed next affects me still. KilletMuffin recently posted a guide to paragraphing in the Author's Forum here that you should look at; it's quite helpful.

I dhould mention too some problems I had with the opening of your story. They checked into a hotel on "the" Friday, not "a" Friday. How come? Then you tell us how everyone reacted to her beauty, but you never give us the slightest clue as to what she looks like. Is she 18, is she 38? Were they staring becvause he was old enough to be her grandfather? Descirptions can be overdone, but as a reader I kind of rexent the fact that everyone else at the hotel got to stare at her and we don't get a chance to see what she looks like. Not fair.

Other than that, I think it's quite good.

---dr.M.

 

[Gabriel_Lee]

I agree with Dr.M's comments, especially about paragraphing. I found the first paragraph awkward and difficult to follow - in fact I didn't like it very much at all. Personally, I would be tempted to remove it entirely and start the story with the second paragraph, i.e. “I trust you, Thomas.” , etc. which would seem to me to lead into the story quite well, establishes a key statement and starts a dynamic for subsequent events.

The story continues well from this point with what is clearly an unspoken dialogue between the characters and I think it would make sense to use paragraphing to reflect and therefore strengthen the flow of this.

I found the image of the man's trousers concertinaing around his ankles rather difficult to handle - I think I would have just let them drop. Other than that, I found the story very good.

 

[Guest]

Dr. M and Gabriel_Lee, thank you both very much. I will concentrate on using paragraphs more effectively.
I often find discriptions of people awkward and stilted, Dr M. I wanted the reader to use their imagination with a little help here and there.
It is good to hear how othes see the writing, once again, thanks.
GP