Noob seeking thoughts, opinions, and anything else

[exploringwords]

Hello there folks,

I just got my first story approved...
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=373272

I decided to give writing erotica a go. I looked for a site that had submissions by random folks and found this site. Not really exploring the site first I slapped together what I thought might be an okay story. When I went back and looked at the overall content of this site I was throughly impressed, and also realized I made my story much to short (live and learn eh?). I was hoping I could get some peoples thoughts on my story.

Thanks

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi exploringwords and welcome

You have a great talent for storyline and, yes, this story is too short. You should have explored the scene outside a bit more. But to heck with that.

You have an imagination and a sniff for a story that is fantastic. Yes, you need both a proofreader and an editor to guide you through the rites of passage, but you have the talent.

I could nitpick here but that would be silly. A bit of confidence, a bit of practice, and you could be a favorite here. Just get a group of beta readers to help polish your stories.

Congrats

Elle

 

[exploringwords]

Hi exploringwords and welcome

You have a great talent for storyline and, yes, this story is too short. You should have explored the scene outside a bit more. But to heck with that.

You have an imagination and a sniff for a story that is fantastic. Yes, you need both a proofreader and an editor to guide you through the rites of passage, but you have the talent.

I could nitpick here but that would be silly. A bit of confidence, a bit of practice, and you could be a favorite here. Just get a group of beta readers to help polish your stories.

Congrats

Elle

Thank you very much for the kind words. I am not sure how to go about finding a proof reader, editor or beta readers (BTW- what's so bad about VHS readers?....anyone over 25 will get that joke). I also do not like troubling people. I have the continuation of the Duchess story already in mind, so I suppose any help offered would be both accepted and appreciated.

Again thanks.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

There's a volunteer editor group here who will freely help - just click the board.

 

[Intercontinental]

A promising start. You changed tense about a third of the way through which was disconcerting.Also you have to work hard to generate human sexuality out of an alien fiend.
Try breaking up your paragraphs a bit. And do add further installments to expand on what is fundamentally a solid start.

 

[ellynei]

Liked the story, but disliked reading it in present tense. (Especially with the tense change happening kind of accidentally.) I think at this time your writing style suits past tense better, I'm not pro but it felt that way.

Some things a beta-reader (or proof-reader) mighta caught:

#

Possible typo: "Getting out of bed she dresses while chastising her mate in her head." I think you mean maid here? (Her husband would be her 'mate'.)

#

Imagery confusion: " The Green Man shushes her and raises a single finger to her lips. With only the slightest touch of his finger what seems like hundreds of little pixies spring out from his fingertip. "

The moment his finger slightly touches her lip, they spring out of the fingertip of it? In my head I have a picture of him holding his finger to her lip, tip pointing upwards, so in my head there isnt room for two inch pixies to come out of his finger tip. They'd be jamming up her nose before they were out of his finger tip

#

"Her white skin glows in the moon light "

moon light -> moonlight

#

Imagery confusion:

"Even though the task of stripping her is all but complete both male and female tiny beings are still buzzing around her finding their way into all of her most intimate areas, little fingers pinching her nipple, tiny lips kissing her thighs."

When I read this, I'm assuming the tiny beings are still the 2 inch pixies ( 5 centimenter pixies). Because you haven't described the pixies I was imagining them as humanoid in proportions. But a 2 inch tall pixie with a human shape does not have fingers large enough to reach around a nipple to pinch it. ('Her nipples pinched between tiny hands, would work though.)

Regarding 'nipple' I'd sugges either 'nipples' or 'one of her nipples'.

Speaking of nipples, she is still holding her bodice tight to her breasts, so I'd also suggest you either rip the bodice from her, or describe pixies crawling under it to reach her nipples.

#

some words missing here: "The Duchess closes her eyes as his fingers find their way thighs and into her secret folds of womanhood."

#

Imagery confusion: "Looking up she sees a tiny winged couple making love in mid-flight, little male pixie taking the tiny female doggie style. At exactly the same time as she sees the pixies first thrust, she feels the Green Man enter her, "

After the first sentence I'm imagining a male pixie engaged in intercourse with a female pixie - doggie style. But in the second sentence the two pixies beging the intercourse.

I suggest:

little male pixie taking the tiny female doggie style.

->

little male pixie preparing to take the tiny female doggie style.

#


(That's nit-picking, hope you will find it useful. I hope my tone didn't sound too harsh. Do unto others what you want them to do to you n all that, I'd love for someone to nit-pick my stuff this way. If you feel the same: Was happy to oblige. If you do not: Sorry for the inconvenience, I didn't know better.)


WARNING###
beta-reader disclaimer:
(Remember I am not an editor I am an unprofessional beta-reader, hence my edit-suggestions must only be applied after you have yourself seen and thought; 'Ah yeah the nutcase is right about that one.' If any of my suggestions does not make complete sense to you, do NOT use them, because I might very well be wrong in those cases!)
###


If you switched to past tense for the whole story, I think it would read much smoother. Not only that, your story is really good, and in spite of the incidents of imagery-confusion the images you draw are really imaginative and wonderful.

Great story (under the fairly easily fixable flaws), good work, keep writing.

If you decide to switch to past tense all story, I'll offer my proof-reading aid for the tense switch - on this chapter. (In my experience making a tense change on one of ones own piece without proofreading can lead to quite a mess.) Could add some further nit-picking to that if you'd like.


Didn't vote on it, wanna give it a fiver, but the tense issue won't let me at this time.

 

[exploringwords]

Liked the story, but disliked reading it in present tense. (Especially with the tense change happening kind of accidentally.) I think at this time your writing style suits past tense better, I'm not pro but it felt that way.

Some things a beta-reader (or proof-reader) mighta caught:

Possible typo: "Getting out of bed she dresses while chastising her mate in her head." I think you mean maid here? (Her husband would be her 'mate'.)

Of course she is mad at her hubby. If she were mad at the maid that's the Jerry Springer syndrome, you know where the mistress and the wife/girlfriend come to blows over the cheating man. In few cases involving roofies or something nutty like that is it ever the mistress' fault.

Imagery confusion: " The Green Man shushes her and raises a single finger to her lips. With only the slightest touch of his finger what seems like hundreds of little pixies spring out from his fingertip. "

The moment his finger slightly touches her lip, they spring out of the fingertip of it? In my head I have a picture of him holding his finger to her lip, tip pointing upwards, so in my head there isnt room for two inch pixies to come out of his finger tip. They'd be jamming up her nose before they were out of his finger tip

Yeah, I had a tough time trying to put that image to words. At first the pixies were springing from his hand, but I thought that lessened the impact of the touch. I guess the finger tip does have 3 other sides from which the pixies can spring forth from that would not put them straight into a nostril?

"Her white skin glows in the moon light "

moon light -> moonlight

Oops.

Imagery confusion:

"Even though the task of stripping her is all but complete both male and female tiny beings are still buzzing around her finding their way into all of her most intimate areas, little fingers pinching her nipple, tiny lips kissing her thighs."

When I read this, I'm assuming the tiny beings are still the 2 inch pixies ( 5 centimenter pixies). Because you haven't described the pixies I was imagining them as humanoid in proportions. But a 2 inch tall pixie with a human shape does not have fingers large enough to reach around a nipple to pinch it. ('Her nipples pinched between tiny hands, would work though.)

Regarding 'nipple' I'd sugges either 'nipples' or 'one of her nipples'.

Speaking of nipples, she is still holding her bodice tight to her breasts, so I'd also suggest you either rip the bodice from her, or describe pixies crawling under it to reach her nipples.

Agree with the nipple/nipples phrasing.

The bodice was an omission I sort of decided to leave to the readers imagination, I did have a line about its removal but it kinda (in my mind) made it seem like I was nit-picking about her nudity.

I suppose the question needs to be asked, how much nipple needs to be grabbed to be pinched? I do like your suggestion, "her nipples pinched between tiny hands".

some words missing here: "The Duchess closes her eyes as his fingers find their way thighs and into her secret folds of womanhood."

Yup, I caught that after the fact.

Imagery confusion: "Looking up she sees a tiny winged couple making love in mid-flight, little male pixie taking the tiny female doggie style. At exactly the same time as she sees the pixies first thrust, she feels the Green Man enter her, "

After the first sentence I'm imagining a male pixie engaged in intercourse with a female pixie - doggie style. But in the second sentence the two pixies beging the intercourse.

I suggest:

little male pixie taking the tiny female doggie style.

->

little male pixie preparing to take the tiny female doggie style.

Yes, but how about "little male pixie readies to take"

(That's nit-picking, hope you will find it useful. I hope my tone didn't sound too harsh. Do unto others what you want them to do to you n all that, I'd love for someone to nit-pick my stuff this way. If you feel the same: Was happy to oblige. If you do not: Sorry for the inconvenience, I didn't know better.)

WARNING###
beta-reader disclaimer:
(Remember I am not an editor I am an unprofessional beta-reader, hence my edit-suggestions must only be applied after you have yourself seen and thought; 'Ah yeah the nutcase is right about that one.' If any of my suggestions does not make complete sense to you, do NOT use them, because I might very well be wrong in those cases!)

I really appreciate your effort and thorough breaking down of my story.

To the ladder of your warning, remember the truest nutcase is the one who denies nutcaseiness, acceptance is the road to recovery. Also RIGHT and WRONG are usually a matter of style when it comes to writing critique.

If you switched to past tense for the whole story, I think it would read much smoother. Not only that, your story is really good, and in spite of the incidents of imagery-confusion the images you draw are really imaginative and wonderful.

Great story (under the fairly easily fixable flaws), good work, keep writing.

If you decide to switch to past tense all story, I'll offer my proof-reading aid for the tense switch - on this chapter. (In my experience making a tense change on one of ones own piece without proofreading can lead to quite a mess.) Could add some further nit-picking to that if you'd like.

Didn't vote on it, wanna give it a fiver, but the tense issue won't let me at this time.

I have been MULLING over the tense issue since Intercontinental brought it up. I really like the immediacy of present tense while also presenting the historical context of what brought her to that point in past tense. I imagine there is a trick that could make that transition not so disconcerting?

I think I will put my efforts into writing chap 2 of the story and then revisit the issues with the first chapter. Would you like to Beta read chapter 2 when I get it out of my head and onto the page?

 

[ellynei]

If you wish to retain present tense, a trick to it would be NOT to make the change mid paragraph:

This is what you had:

The setting would have been an idyllic place to live in marital bliss had their marriage been for romantic and not political reasons. The Duke was much more interested in the servants of the castle than his own wife. She would often hear the moans of maids, stable girls or even some of their high society guests come from whichever room the Duke retired to. At first this embarrassed her, but as it continued she became enraged as her own needs were never addressed. (General forestory in past tense).

(New paragraph with immediate story in past tense)It was late one evening when the moans in her own bed awoken her. Next to her was the Duke and their chamber maid in a passionate embrace. In the poor light of the evening she could scarcely make out the silhouetted form of the woman riding her husband. His large hands caressing the small waist and breasts of their servant.(Suddenly mid-paragraph switch to present tense.) Quietly, she watches careful to not make herself noticed as anything more than sleeping. The rhythm of the couples motions quickens and the faint smell of a woman's pleasure can be detected. She continues to watch as the couple completes their act, the maid scampers off and before long the snores of her husband fill the room. It is only then she decides to move.

If you wish to retain present tense for the immediate storyline, don't do the switch from past to present mid paragraph.

One option could be to make a section mark after fore-story, ( such as: * or #, or something more vivid. Personally I tend to use things like ----=(o)=---- . ) And then begin first paragraph of the immediate storyline in present tense. This gives the reader a better chance to adjust:

'Ah' , the Reader thought, 'I've read about the past, the fore-story. Now I get to find out what is happening 'Now'.' (<- would be the aim.)


At this time the first paragraph of your immediate storyline switches tense mid-paragraph. Won't work for it, even if you do place a section mark, the very first sentence needs to be present tense, if you want immediate story to be present tense. So you either need to rewrite:

"It was late one evening when the moans in her own bed awoken her. Next to her was the Duke and their chamber maid in a passionate embrace. In the poor light of the evening she could scarcely make out the silhouetted form of the woman riding her husband. His large hands caressing the small waist and breasts of their servant."

To present tense.

Or: If you really really want present tense to come in at: "Quietly, she watches..." you can move that to the start of the paragraph, and then afterwards tell what had happened before this moment, (in past tense). This option is more complicated though, and you really gotta do it well to retain your readers' confidence in you.

#

Of course she is mad at her hubby. If she were mad at the maid that's the Jerry Springer syndrome, you know where the mistress and the wife/girlfriend come to blows over the cheating man. In few cases involving roofies or something nutty like that is it ever the mistress' fault.

The reason I wondered about 'mate' as synonym for her husband in this story, was not simply the 'Jerry Springer'-mentality of jumping the other woman -- although such a mentality would be quite imminent in a time and age where she would not have a choice to leave, nor chastise her husband. But might actually have good opportunity to chastise a maid.

The reason was rather related to my associations with the word 'mate' as a referral to a husband.

Mate as a word for a spouse has a deeper understanding to me, associates to words like soul-mate (i. e. deep emotional bonding), or 'mate' in the more bestial sense of mating, (i. e. associations to raw bestial passion.) Since this woman's relationship to her man is neither deeply emotional, nor sexually passionate, the word struck me personally as odd

It is, however, entirely correct, nothing grammatically wrong with it there. Your free artistic choice.

Just don't compare me to a Jerry Springer guest, please

#

Yeah, I had a tough time trying to put that image to words. At first the pixies were springing from his hand, but I thought that lessened the impact of the touch. I guess the finger tip does have 3 other sides from which the pixies can spring forth from that would not put them straight into a nostril?

Likes and dislikes for descriptions in stories are very individual, I myself am mostly being chastised for overdoing my descriptions. Reading my own stuff I can very well see why, and I try to control it. Some people prefer lots of description, some intermediate, and some prefers nearly none.

In my personal opinion, all three things can work.

Hmm.. ok I'm side tracking. Yes there are many sides to a finger, even to a fingertip. Without specifications my image when reading 'out of his fingertip' each time became one of pixies coming out of the tip of his fingertip.

If you want a reader to pause at this spot and try to figure out how to imagine an image that fits your description that's your artistic choice

With descriptions I'd say, either describe so little that your reader can imagine freely. Or describe enough that it is easy for them to form an image similar to what you had in mind -- Or simply: I recommend avoiding confusion

The pixies coming out of his finger tips confused me personally, it is a beta-readers duty to point out points of confusion to the author. It is then up to the author if they want to act on it or not, your free artistic choice

The bodice was an omission I sort of decided to leave to the readers imagination, I did have a line about its removal but it kinda (in my mind) made it seem like I was nit-picking about her nudity.

If you had not made a big deal out of her retaining the bodice, it might have worked

#

Present tense is harder to write than past, it requires a very immediate style.

Although I've seen some good present tense stories, I, myself, am not yet able to write anywhere near well in present tense and would not be equipped to advice you on how to do it.

My first story on lit was originally in present tense too. Yours is written far better than my first was, in its originally posted version.

Temporarily giving up present tense, when present tense is what you desire, can be a difficult decision.

Present tense writing is one of the big battles, in my opinion. Try asking yourself: Is learning the write in present tense the thing I want to focus on right now, or is there other stuff I want to master first?

If the answer is, "Present tense writing is very important to me right now." then keep fighting, and keep writing in present tense. You are the author, you choose your battles, you choose what you want to evolve and in what order to do it.

Don't take my dissing of your present tense style too serious however, it did not suit me well, but I was 'primed' to dislike it because of the strange switch to it. Take a piece of yours that does not have a strange switch, and show it to someone who knows present tense well.

I am not equipped to beta-read, nor proofread, a present tense story, I have not the 'present tense' knowledge or skill for that. So I must respectfully decline to proofread a chapter 2 in present tense.

#

Whatever you do, don't be discouraged. However harsh my words may be: You got something, and you must not forget that.