Noob looking for feedback

[Rstephens32301]

My first story was posted! Yay! I have gotten some pretty good responses already, which surprises me. I am also very grateful and it is encouraging. Would love to hear thoughts and constructive criticisms:

https://literotica.com/s/the-museum-visit

I have several more at the ready, but have only submitted this one....too chicken I guess.

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

Nice to see some good stuff from a fellow noob.

I really liked how the story started. You did a nice job framing those awkward moments when we first start flirting with someone.

I would have liked to see Randall described more in detail. Just a personal preference, but I like an elaborate picture painted of character's physical appearance. Even the clothes. For this story, leaving Janes appearance out makes sense as it allows a female reader to insert herself.

You did a great job referencing the art. I know fuckall about art, so I'll take your word for it, but it did paint a picture (heh). I think you could use that throughout to great effect - was thinking her marble reference was going to lead there.

A couple of times, a few little things kinda took me out of it. Nothing major, but when you wrote about him 'feeling her up', it just seemed off from the elegance of the other phrasing. That's nit-picky stuff and may just be me personally.

If I've learned anything reading stories, comments, and feedback here on the forum, it's don't get too nutty about critiques... everybody likes different stuff. Take it, leave it, if you hear it a bunch you prolly wanna take it... if you see one dickhead in the comments talking about how you need to change everything... leave it.

Bottom line, post more.

 

[ElectricBlue]

That was a quick little crowd pleaser, full of enthusiasm, and cudos for the gallery and the art.

Setting aside my usual objection to second person narratives - no, I didn't do any of those things, so don't tell me I did; and besides, I'm male and therefore definitely not Jane - the energy and excitement of your first story was palpable.

A couple of technical things - watch your dialogue punctuation, you're not consistent. Sometimes it's right, sometimes it's wrong. And give the reader more white space, with shorter paragraphs - that would make it easier to read. And lose all of those explanation marks! Over the top, there.

But these are quibbles. Your excitement at writing is evident - keep going. Slow down a bit, take your time, find your pace. And keep bumping into dapper gents in galleries. I agree with ChuckandAndrea - he'd have had far more class than to feel her up for a quick shag!

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

Meant to say something about the paragraphs too.

 

[RichardWark]

I am a big fan of the intensity of the thing, and the second person tends to make it more intense and involving. I withdraw, usually, from second person stories because it is hard to maintain the intensity required and if it's really done well I often have to step back and take a breath. ,(Although I'm poking around with a second person idea now. It started as a letter to a woman and had begun to take flight). Anyway, it's a really good initial effort!




Richard Wark
Wark2002
https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=5430653&page=submissions

 

[Rstephens32301]

Thanks for the feedback everyone! Good notes

 

[suestevenson143]

Very good read