Non-masturbatory orgasms?

[AdjectiveNounVerb]

I have a problem: I only reliably orgasm from masturbation. I've never gotten one from a blow job and for the past few years I'd say it only happens between 10% and 20% of the time from intercourse. Either I just go soft inside her without ejaculating or I just get too tired to keep thrusting. I know it isn't a physical problem - for awhile I thought it was a side effect of some medication I'm on, but I can masturbate to orgasm in minutes so that doesn't make sense.

Any advice on identifying and solving the problem that's in my head? My girlfriend tells me it's ok - normal actually - and doesn't bother her, but it bothers the hell out of me. I feel like my body is insulting her every time we have sex and I don't orgasm, even though it's been this way for years and with other women before I met her. Plus, orgasms feel good and I want them. And what the hell sort of man is surprised when his used condom isn't empty?

 

[lazyhobo]

Realistically? I'd suggest visitng a doctor!

Silly advice? Fuck Fuck Fuck - Jack off and release after shes satisfied, possibly shooting it atop her!

 

[desertslave]

I agree about seeing a doctor. In particular, go to a urologist.

 

[Lord Pmann]

I'm going to ask how many times you masturbate a day. This could be a huge part of it. Your cock may be used to that death grip and it won't allow you to shoot it in her mouth while she's sucking you or in her vagina while she's screwing you. Penises can get used to certain things. I know if I were to masturbate a whole lot, it may be harder to ejaculate from sex.

I would suggest not masturbating for a little bit and then having a go. I know I should suggest something easier like not breathing for a day or not peeing for a week. I'd rather watch a sex tape of my grandparents, filmed by my parents with my sister as the commentator, than be told to stop masturbating. But if you want to cum inside your girl, I bet you can. Just retrain your dick.

 

[SweetErika]

If it's clearly psychological, a doctor will refer you to therapy, so that may be where you want to start. I'd suggest seeking a therapist who specializes in sexual issues. I believe there are accredodations or certifications for that, so do some research. It may not bother your gf in the least, but if it bugs you, it's worth working on.

Things to consider: Has this been happening since your first (few) encounters, or is it something that started down the line? Can you think back to a possible precipitating event? How about the messages you were raised with? Fears of consequences like pregnancy? Also, do you have a sense it has become a self-fulfilling prophecy? Can you try chamging things up quite a bit and not worrying about the result, and see if here is a change? I suspect any good therapist will ask questions like that, so you could save some time and money by doing some groundwork before your first appointment.

 

[Goey]

Before doing anything I'd stop masturbating so often (as in - never) and see how the sex is then.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Before doing anything I'd stop masturbating so often (as in - never) and see how the sex is then.

I think that's the issue. I don't think it's anything more than that.

 

[NorthernPole]

Yup have to reiterate what others have said, if you find you masturbate often, or even if you have in the past, could be a major factor.

Reason I agree is I have a very similar thing as you. Not near to the same degree, but it takes me what I'd term damn near forever to orgasm from sex or blowjobs. I generally stick it out and manage to get off, and thank god my GF is a fan of the longevity(previous ones have just got sore), but what really clued me in as the source of this issue is that a handjob works every time, and much much quicker. Really the only solution I've ever stumbled upon is just being ridiculously horned up before I start, but that's unreliable. Good luck not masturbating!!

Would be nice to be able to have a quicky and actually cum, I agree.

 

[Goey]

Like to add: as much as your girl says it doesn't bother her, it probably does. Just as men get upset from not being able to make a woman orgasm, women get upset with not being able to make a man orgasm - specially as it's a simpler task.

+ As much as long sessions can be great it's a great feeling knowing you can make it impossible for your man to hold back.

 

[amofiga]

I'm not a doctor or expert but the fact that you can orgasm via masturbation and not via intercourse or blowjob seems to be psychological. How about orgasiming from her masturbating you? If you can't, then I'd say it's some emotional block or psychological thing. If you're using birth control, it's probably not a fear of pregnancy but maybe something about "defiling" her? I've had women tell me that they've known men who just couldn't allow themselves to cum in a woman's mouth but they were fine otherwise. It wasn't physical.

 

[Goey]

Previous boyfriend's wouldn't/couldn't cum on my face because of fear of "degrading" - damn sexist crap...

 

[Lord Pmann]

Previous boyfriend's wouldn't/couldn't cum on my face because of fear of "degrading" - damn sexist crap...

Stories like this make me cry tears of fire.

 

[AdjectiveNounVerb]

Thanks for all the input!

I'm going to ask how many times you masturbate a day. This could be a huge part of it. Your cock may be used to that death grip and it won't allow you to shoot it in her mouth while she's sucking you or in her vagina while she's screwing you. Penises can get used to certain things. I know if I were to masturbate a whole lot, it may be harder to ejaculate from sex.

I would suggest not masturbating for a little bit and then having a go. I know I should suggest something easier like not breathing for a day or not peeing for a week. I'd rather watch a sex tape of my grandparents, filmed by my parents with my sister as the commentator, than be told to stop masturbating. But if you want to cum inside your girl, I bet you can. Just retrain your dick.

Before doing anything I'd stop masturbating so often (as in - never) and see how the sex is then.

Yup have to reiterate what others have said, if you find you masturbate often, or even if you have in the past, could be a major factor.

Reason I agree is I have a very similar thing as you. Not near to the same degree, but it takes me what I'd term damn near forever to orgasm from sex or blowjobs. I generally stick it out and manage to get off, and thank god my GF is a fan of the longevity(previous ones have just got sore), but what really clued me in as the source of this issue is that a handjob works every time, and much much quicker. Really the only solution I've ever stumbled upon is just being ridiculously horned up before I start, but that's unreliable. Good luck not masturbating!!

Would be nice to be able to have a quicky and actually cum, I agree.

I'm not a doctor or expert but the fact that you can orgasm via masturbation and not via intercourse or blowjob seems to be psychological. How about orgasiming from her masturbating you? If you can't, then I'd say it's some emotional block or psychological thing. If you're using birth control, it's probably not a fear of pregnancy but maybe something about "defiling" her? I've had women tell me that they've known men who just couldn't allow themselves to cum in a woman's mouth but they were fine otherwise. It wasn't physical.

Appears everybody's down on masturbation... and ever since college, I've usually masturbated several times every day. So, yeah... Sometimes I masturbate and then go have sex with her, and that increases my odds of orgasming with her.

Amofiga, I've never tried her giving me manual stimulation beyond that of foreplay. And she's not on birth control any more, we switched back to condoms because she's had bad reactions to Depo and to dual-hormone pills. While she was on Depo, I'd orgasm inside her more often but I still don't think it was the majority of the time.

Oh, and I had that "degrading her" concern about getting a blow job in the past, but that was really before I'd gotten one. Then after I'd had one, I didn't see the point in getting them since it wasn't all that good, and since then I've dated women who all have had TMJ and/or wanted to skip the sucking and go straight to fucking. So that's not really an issue anymore.

If it's clearly psychological, a doctor will refer you to therapy, so that may be where you want to start. I'd suggest seeking a therapist who specializes in sexual issues. I believe there are accredodations or certifications for that, so do some research. It may not bother your gf in the least, but if it bugs you, it's worth working on.

Things to consider: Has this been happening since your first (few) encounters, or is it something that started down the line? Can you think back to a possible precipitating event? How about the messages you were raised with? Fears of consequences like pregnancy? Also, do you have a sense it has become a self-fulfilling prophecy? Can you try chamging things up quite a bit and not worrying about the result, and see if here is a change? I suspect any good therapist will ask questions like that, so you could save some time and money by doing some groundwork before your first appointment.

I'm already seeing a shrink for other reasons, I guess you're suggesting bringing this up there?

As to your questions... I got rid of my virginity when I was 22 back in 2006, and didn't have the problem that first double-handful of times I had sex. Actually, I felt like I was coming too soon. Next time I had sex was in 2008, and that's when the unreliable orgasms from vaginal intercourse started. It's been a problem ever since. I was an unplanned pregnancy - technically a teenage pregnancy (18 and 19) - and had very sex-negative parents: I'd probably have gotten in less trouble if my mom had found pot in my bedroom than if she'd found a Playboy, not that either was in there (besides, I knew how to clear browser history - and my parents didn't know how to check it). And I don't know about self-fulfilling prophecies, but when I do orgasm when we're having sex I feel a total loss of control over what I'm doing, what's happening, basically I have no control over anything, which is an unusual state of affairs for me. And I'm not sure what you mean by "changing things up".

 

[lazyhobo]

Appears everybody's down on masturbation... and ever since college, I've usually masturbated several times every day. So, yeah... Sometimes I masturbate and then go have sex with her, and that increases my odds of orgasming with her.

Amofiga, I've never tried her giving me manual stimulation beyond that of foreplay. And she's not on birth control any more, we switched back to condoms because she's had bad reactions to Depo and to dual-hormone pills. While she was on Depo, I'd orgasm inside her more often but I still don't think it was the majority of the time.

Oh, and I had that "degrading her" concern about getting a blow job in the past, but that was really before I'd gotten one. Then after I'd had one, I didn't see the point in getting them since it wasn't all that good, and since then I've dated women who all have had TMJ and/or wanted to skip the sucking and go straight to fucking. So that's not really an issue anymore.



I'm already seeing a shrink for other reasons, I guess you're suggesting bringing this up there?

As to your questions... I got rid of my virginity when I was 22 back in 2006, and didn't have the problem that first double-handful of times I had sex. Actually, I felt like I was coming too soon. Next time I had sex was in 2008, and that's when the unreliable orgasms from vaginal intercourse started. It's been a problem ever since. I was an unplanned pregnancy - technically a teenage pregnancy (18 and 19) - and had very sex-negative parents: I'd probably have gotten in less trouble if my mom had found pot in my bedroom than if she'd found a Playboy, not that either was in there (besides, I knew how to clear browser history - and my parents didn't know how to check it). And I don't know about self-fulfilling prophecies, but when I do orgasm when we're having sex I feel a total loss of control over what I'm doing, what's happening, basically I have no control over anything, which is an unusual state of affairs for me. And I'm not sure what you mean by "changing things up".

I'd assume by the phrase "changing things up" that they think / feel you may be too used to Sex / Blowjobs as a norm and something new might help.

I'd suggest to see if she could possibly get you off with a Hand Job.

I mean, if she cant get you off no matter what she does (other than over extended stimuli) then there may be an issue with how you personally view her as far as sexual things go.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Sometimes varying it up is what's needed. No wanking for a while. You're not going to be able to wank and then cum inside her.

Blow jobs aren't that great? Uhhhhhh. You need to have a good blow job (not offering, just saying). Blow jobs are what gives Angels their wings.

Good luck. But if you know you're going to get a bj or sex, don't masturbate.

 

[FloridaSmoothie]

"Blow jobs are what gives Angels their wings."

Learn something new every day.

 

[SubNebGuy]

Previous boyfriend's wouldn't/couldn't cum on my face because of fear of "degrading" - damn sexist crap...

That's when you tell him "but you're the one who gets to lick it off me afterwards".

to the OP thought, exactly HOW do you masturbate? Typical G.I. Joe kung-fu grip, or are you laying on your stomach and grinding into your hand?

Because I've read about the 2nd one just being a real 'rough n tough' method that leaves many guys feeling understimulated during any other kind of intercourse.

So I agree with 'stop jacking off' for a while, and see if that doesn't help. Then you'll know whether its worth a trip to a doctor (and you'll have additional info to tell him/her).

 

[AdjectiveNounVerb]

Sometimes varying it up is what's needed. No wanking for a while. You're not going to be able to wank and then cum inside her.

Blow jobs aren't that great? Uhhhhhh. You need to have a good blow job (not offering, just saying). Blow jobs are what gives Angels their wings.

Good luck. But if you know you're going to get a bj or sex, don't masturbate.

Like I said before, I've found that masturbating almost until I orgasm, and then having sex within a half hour or an hour, increases the odds of orgasming from sex to maybe 20% or so.

My girlfriend gives good blow jobs (unlike any of her predecessors) but they only last a minute or two - as far as I can tell, she regards them just as foreplay. Plus she's got real bad TMJ, and she's not the only woman who's told me I was thick.

That's when you tell him "but you're the one who gets to lick it off me afterwards".

to the OP thought, exactly HOW do you masturbate? Typical G.I. Joe kung-fu grip, or are you laying on your stomach and grinding into your hand?

Because I've read about the 2nd one just being a real 'rough n tough' method that leaves many guys feeling understimulated during any other kind of intercourse.

So I agree with 'stop jacking off' for a while, and see if that doesn't help. Then you'll know whether its worth a trip to a doctor (and you'll have additional info to tell him/her).

Setting aside why anyone would want to lick that noxious substance... it's been over ten years since I used the "lay on your stomach and grind into your hand" method to masturbate. The last four years or so, it's been primarily with my left hand while lying on my right side, two-fingered grip (plus thumb) with the index finger on the frenulum. Before that was the same, only seated.


How long is "a while" in terms of not masturbating? Is it days, weeks, what?

 

[Lord Pmann]

I've never gone more than three or four days without an orgasm, so try three days to start. I don't think it's humanly possible to go for a week without orgasm. So start off about three or four days before sex... No wanking.

 

[KlaytonFrost]

It certainly seems to be something psychological. I don't think holding off on masturbating is the way to go. It seems to me that if anything that's just going to make any subconsious issues you have the worse. Do what comes naturally, but perhaps talk to your doc about it.

I don't always come during sex. Which is fine. I don't always want to, and I still have a great time whether I come or not. It's a pretty hard time explaining that to my partners though. Sigh.

 

[Addyson]

Too much thinking makes the dick go limp

I have actually run into this problem and found it was due to any number of reasons, the worst of which was thinking about things too much, aka performance anxiety. Anxiety leads to self-fulfilling prophecies. I had a stretch where I was just exhausted, from work, from life, whatever, and I hit the wall you described. One time of LDS (limp dick syndrome) created a cascading effect. Every time after that I ended up getting myself psyched out thinking, "Please don't let it happen again" which of course, led to it happening again. It was horrible and frustrating and embarrassing. I tried to calm myself but it was hard to not think about it. I wish I had a quick fix for you but it wasn't quick for me. Thankfully I had a fiance who was really understanding. I brought it up outside of the bedroom. I was honest and said something like, "Listen, I'm going through a rough patch right now where this happens. It sucks because I feel like I'm letting you down and I know I'm letting myself down. It's embarrassing even having to bring it up, but I want to get through this. All I ask is a little patience." I told her this even though she knew that there was something wrong. It helped me by actually putting it to words and admitted it sucked. After awhile, and a few more misses, we struck gold and haven't looked back.

As far as blow jobs go, that could be psychological as well. Get a read on if she is okay with it. I've had performance issues with this too when I felt like she was going down on me out of obligation. If she doesn't like it, don't force the issue. If she does, have her tell you how much she likes it and what about it she likes. Believe it and then enjoy it.

Masturbation...
Don't go overboard. I'm guessing that at some point you realized if you whacked off before being with a girl you'd last longer. What you didn't realize is that it could work almost too well. Personally, I think masturbation is fine, just not right before being with your girl. Try thinking about how good it feels to be inside her. Imagine you successfully getting over the hump, so to speak.

Adam

 

[AdjectiveNounVerb]

Well, as of last night I have a very nice data point supporting the Masturbation Bad hypothesis. Not a trend yet, but... thanks for the pretty-much unanimous advice.

 

[p4ssport86]

In the same boat

I'm going through a similar thing, and I'm going to do a little deprivation therapy as well, and see what happens. It had been a long, dry spell before a couple days ago, and while I still feel oddly sated after sex, I never orgasmed or ejaculated. If possible, it'd be nice to know how things unfold for you. Good luck!