non erotic story looking for feedback on the opening page

[Grim_Blade]

looking for feedback on a non erotic story this is just the opening to the story

this is a rough draft

this means temp name []

The kingdom of [germany] was once ruled by the old king David the just since his untimely demise of him, his sons and daughters during an assassination from the nobles. After the assassination the new king purged a lot of nobles after he took the throne, he was nicknamed the bloody butcher he killed about quarter of the noble family head’s in the following months and striping a bit of wealth from each of them as well. It is known as the night of a million tears among other names even the heavens cried for a week after his death but there were survivors of the slaughter at the castle but the nobles got to them before they could seek help from anyone.

known to the assassins they missed one boy in the midst of the slaughter a son of one of the kitchen maids but they did not realize he was the most important person in the castle for he was the 1000th generation of the royal blood line and the true heir chosen by the gods to rule, he was blessed with a strong magical gift that was quite rare to be this strong at a young age but could be achieved over decades of study but its not easy nor common for mages to reach this power, only a few know he is royal but he is not one of them nor is anyone in the kingdom aware of this fact till recently as a young Valkyrie meditated before her pilgrimage of wings she saw the goddess show her a boy and said a simple sentence “find the child…kill…. him” Her head hurt and her leg screamed in pain as a symbol burned her leg for a few seconds before fading and going back to normal she had her divine mission and told the heads of the Valkyries then she set out that day at the age of 13 to find the boy and end him…or so she thought.

 

[ElectricBlue]

You need to punctuate your text. You have many long sentences that get lost in their meaning because they're not punctuated.

It's also very passive writing - you're telling us everything in one long, introductory blurb. Even in this short distance into a story, you could be fleshing out characters, bringing them alive on the page, showing us something of their personality.

 

[SimonDoom]

The kingdom of [germany] was once ruled by the old king David the just since his untimely demise of him, his sons and daughters during an assassination from the nobles.

1. How did he rule after his demise? I don't understand. Do you mean "until" his demise?
2. You need to rewrite the last half of the sentence. You can't say "his untimely demise of him . . . " That's a double possessive. Say instead "after he and his children were assassinated by the nobles." You use way too many prepositions.



After the assassination the new king purged a lot of nobles after he took the throne, he was nicknamed the bloody butcher he killed about quarter of the noble family head’s in the following months and striping a bit of wealth from each of them as well.

1. This is a runon sentence. Your writing seems to be full of them, so before you submit a story you have to learn what a runon sentence is and where and how to split it into smaller, legitimate sentences.


It is known as the night of a million tears among other names even the heavens cried for a week after his death but there were survivors of the slaughter at the castle but the nobles got to them before they could seek help from anyone.

1. The pronoun "It" has an unclear antecedent. What does it refer to? There must be a noun that it refers to.
2. What does "nobles go to them" mean? Did they kill them? Say that, then. It's more precise.
2.

known to the assassins they missed one boy in the midst of the slaughter a son of one of the kitchen maids but they did not realize he was the most important person in the castle for he was the 1000th generation of the royal blood line and the true heir chosen by the gods to rule, he was blessed with a strong magical gift that was quite rare to be this strong at a young age but could be achieved over decades of study but its not easy nor common for mages to reach this power, only a few know he is royal but he is not one of them nor is anyone in the kingdom aware of this fact till recently as a young Valkyrie meditated before her pilgrimage of wings she saw the goddess show her a boy and said a simple sentence “find the child…kill…. him” Her head hurt and her leg screamed in pain as a symbol burned her leg for a few seconds before fading and going back to normal she had her divine mission and told the heads of the Valkyries then she set out that day at the age of 13 to find the boy and end him…or so she thought.

1. You must capitalize the beginning of a sentence.
2. You must punctuate. You should not submit a story unless you know at a certain level how to punctuate your sentence. Divide it into smaller sentences and separate them with periods. I can't read this.
3. I strongly recommend you go online or get a grammar guide or check out some of the how-to guides at this site and review them until you know what a run on sentence is and how to avoid it.

 

[yukonnights]

As Simon noted, the run-on sentences are a non-starter for sure. As one simple way to self-check this, try reading your work aloud. This may help you.

It's also important to always remember that what seems so clear to the author — he sees the story in his head and it's so obvious, etc — the readers are in the dark. Be sure to take it step by step, using the words of the story to make this imaginary world crystal clear to them. Failure to do this is a sure way to quickly assure a loss of their interest.

It appears that you have something interesting to tell. So don't give up.

 

[Grim_Blade]

I plan on elaborating on this. it's meant to be an opening paragraph or two to get the reader interested in the story, before the first chapter and as i said this is a rough version of it before the opening chapter.

 

[yukonnights]

I'm going to suggest that you try a re-write of just this you have here. See if you can make it tighter and clarify any inconsistencies. I tried to parse through it, but got tangled up and couldn't figure it out. Instead of a "rough version", give us the finished version and maybe we can offer better feedback?

 

[SimonDoom]

I plan on elaborating on this. it's meant to be an opening paragraph or two to get the reader interested in the story, before the first chapter and as i said this is a rough version of it before the opening chapter.

I have a general suggestion about this: don't ever submit rough drafts for people to comment on. It's a waste of time for you and for them. If the whole story isn't done, then polish the first few paragraphs to the very best of your ability. Give those you want to critique you the best you can do, and their criticism will be far more meaningful. This was so rough that it was hard to get through, and I'm not able to comment on the story at all.

 

[LWulf]

Yeah, that first sentence is a mind bender. I thought you were trying to say that his sons and daughters ruled after his assassination, but then I'm not too sure.

To add to SimonDoom, you can say "the old King" or "old King David." Your phraseology reminds me of "Old King Cole" Nothing wrong with that, as it's a rhyme from a dated period, and that is how they spoke (if you're going for an archaic "feel" to the story).

* * *​

Are you trying to go for a realistic or surreal world? I ask because you mention [Germany]. Germany in olden days was called Germania (until the 1800's. "German" used prior to the 1800's referred to the language spoken alone, and where each person was from was the region they lived in; eg: Bavarian). If I remember correctly, Ceasar referred to the peoples of Germania (indicating how long it has been called that, but only by reference does anybody know of it, because "Germans" didn't use maps at the time). In a surreal sense, you could use Midgard, or Mittilagart, if you want to go with Old High German. Other uses might use fonts/symbols Literotica doesn't use, so I won't bother mentioning them.

For reference, "midgard" might be translated as "middle earth." In many ways, Tolkien used a lot of real location names for his stories and based his stories on existing mythologies, only paraphrasing the location names to give his stories a genuine "feel."

I could suggest you go with "Hinterland" but that name is currently being used for some series. Opposed to that, you could use Umland, which is similar in meaning.

* * *​

"and striping a bit of wealth"
Wrong usage of tense for "striping"
Just a suggestion, but you might want to expand this part. Normally a kingdom that has been won through force, is a dictatorship, so any seated king wouldn't need to legitimize his actions, but it always looks better on the books if he does. My point is, that a usurper, might try to rationalize his actions by validating his seizing of their assets by referring to them as levy (there's a batter term for this but can't think of it) for actions or crimes against the crown.

By the way, if the nobles assassinated the previous king, presumably they put their own figurehead in place. So, why is their man, seizing their assets???

For reference, a dictatorship is when a ruling position is seized by force, a monarchy is when there is a history of descendancy in a Kingdom of rule passed father to son/mother to daughter/etc.

Aha, you're talking about "magical" and "gods" so either mythological, or legendary...

Okay, point of fact, legitimacy of an heir to the throne is quite commonplace in our history. You might want to use that concept (or throw it out the window). Legitimacy of an heir is valid only when the king has recognized an heir. Illegitimate heirs are quite commonplace, and aren't recognized by and large, Normally, illegitimate heirs are pushed into positions by former officers of the court (a chamberlain or general for instance). Standing officers of the court wouldn't chance sullying their hands with an illegitimate heir.

Um... unless this archaic land has futuristic DNA blood tests (or some equivalent to Excalibur, and even then...), mentioning "1000th generation" sounds too precise and too round a number. Seriously, if he is a legitimate heir, and it wasn't that recent (The king didn't shtupp his mother the maid) then wouldn't his mother be likewise legitimate to be heir to the crown, and thereby why is she a lowly maid???
I mean, a thousandth generation (I don't even know how to express that in genealogical terms), and he alone is the closest heir, would mean all the king's cousins, uncles, aunts, 2nd cousins, 3rd cousins, 6th, 8th, 50th, maybe all the way out to 100th or beyond; cousin, are all dead???
The nobles shouldn't be fined for assassination of that magnitude, they should be drawn and quartered, and have their entrails burnt!

Hmm...
Valkyries were another version of angels, and they might be said to have one wing dipped in blood, but normally they were exhaulted for their bravery, and purity of motives... Being directed to murder a child... even if by a goddess... it seems a bit thin.
Now if there was a prediction of a child who would challenge the balance of the very heavens itself, then it might flesh out your premise a little more validly...

 

[Grim_Blade]

Thanks for the help, due to how my mind is, i have issues weaving threw my own thoughts. so at times i need outside perspectives to better see the road ahead.

I think i am going to do two opening short tales before i get into the meat of the story, to explain and try to set out some lore of the world.

Thanks, i have a better idea of the road this should take i'll post it in here when ready for now signing out.

 

[LWulf]

I plan on elaborating on this. it's meant to be an opening paragraph or two to get the reader interested in the story, before the first chapter and as i said this is a rough version of it before the opening chapter.

Realistically, we're not talking about a flyleaf description of a book, but the body of your story itself. You should expand or truncate your story as appropriate to keep your readership reading. If you feel it's worth mentioning, then mention it, and get as verbose as necessary for the reader to understand. However, you might allude to something with a snippet you intend to expand on later, in full or piecemeal (one version of foreshadowing).

Just my 2￠

 

[SimonDoom]

I think i am going to do two opening short tales before i get into the meat of the story, to explain and try to set out some lore of the world.

.

This is an excellent idea. Start small -- take a little chunk out of the world you want to create a write a short story just about that chunk. Do the best you can. Publish it. Get comments. Then you'll have meaningful feedback, you'll have a better idea how you are doing, and you'll be more ready to move on to the bigger story.