non erotic poem feedback please

[Sissy Adele Howells]

Getting a lot of enjoyment on writing non erotic poetry for a change and have had had some good comments on my previous poems. Would like some feedback on one of my new poems."The Ballad of Tobias Finch"
http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=254459
Finding time to read many new poems and making comments ones that take my interest.Thanks for your time and will except criticism when needed.

 

[vampiredust]

done

 

[Sissy Adele Howells]

thanks for your comments

Thanks for your comments on my poem. Understand what you meant by calling it a ballad. Was the first thing I thought about after I had posted it.Never mind I will leave it there anyway.
ADELE

 

[wildsweetone]

Tobias died all alone
they found him hanging
at his crumbling ranch
He hadn't eaten for ten days
hair was matted and grey
eyes wide open
blue as the local lake
he had left this cruel world
nobody gave a damn
they say he was stinking rich
not a penny was found
Tobias was't stupid
buried it in a secret place
his ghost would return to collect
at his own convenience
not a soul went to the funeral
Tobias had no friends
alone in his grave
sleeping for eternity
farewell Tobias Finch
the richest man
in the spirit world.

Hi Adele

it's interesting watching your poetry change, thanks for sharing it.

there is one thing i'm attempting to train myself to do at the moment and that is to try to include an unusual way of saying something.

if i pick a line randomly from your latest poem...

'eyes wide open'

can you think of another way of saying the same thing? a unique way that will be something you've never seen written before, and something your readers will not have seen? you might end up using two lines to say the same thing.

it would be worth trying this with a few lines within the poem.

 

[Sissy Adele Howells]

Thanks for advice

Hi
Thanks for your remarks on my poem. I have also been thinking about this and will try to do this in future poems. I have been writing many poems recently and had another 4 posted today. I also feel I sometimes use obvious words. I also know that Im capable of using better words. This must be something I must work on.Thanks again for your advice.Good luck in your poems to and lets keep on writing.What a great site this is.
ADELE