Non-erotic help please

[Daisy May]

xox

 

[Guest]

I like this Daisy May. It's real and reads as such too. I think it's fine the way it is, but if you're wanting to strip the emotion out of it then I suggest taking "me" and "my" out of it.

something like


yours:

Marijuana made me choke
Holding back the cough
Giving an innocent smile
Not letting him know
His comment made me feel
Uneasy.


neo-ized:

Choked on marijuana
Held back the cough
Gave an innocent smile
To not let him know
His comments felt
Uneasy.


Or something to that effect for that stanza then doing the same wherever "me" and "my" shows up... I'd leave "you" in there, I think that works without adding emotion, until the very end. That is quite a punch:

"Where have you been?
It's your 13th birthday."

It would be difficult to deliver the punch line without emotion — leave it, it's what your poem needs.


hth

- neo

 

[Daisy May]

crap

 

[flyguy69]

Okay! Thanks, neo. I hope others come in to give some extra advice on this too. I like what you had to say. Also, I'm trying to figure out a better title. Obviously, the parents didn't have much to say but "Where have you been? It's your birthday". That says something. Drilling my brain to find a better title. Think think...

There is a choppiness to this I don't like. Just my opinion, but it seems that too many lines are discreet thoughts of their own. That may be your attempt to remove emotion, but I picture the thoughts a traumatized young girl running together more, one almost indistinguishable from the next.

 

[robynwildchild]

i thought the title was aptly named it gives no true reference to what is goin on but that it ends with what the title referrs to ties it all together..

confusing at the end but i didn't really get what was goin on.. there's something missing.. but i felt that there was rape.... something amiss.. getting taken advantage of... the whole uneasy feeling was set off quite abruptly into chaos..

i feel like alice in wonderland.

 

[Daisy May]

llalala

 

[Daisy May]

xox

 

[average gina]

I thought maybe "Unwanted Gift" or something like that. It read fast to me and that is a good thing. "Forced Present" just came to me... I hope that helps.

 

[Daisy May]

Thanks, average gina. I already posted it. I don't know how others will think but I did my best. This was a hard one.

Thank you

 

[Daisy May]

<333<<

 

[HomerPindar]

Argh! I deleted it already.

No rush to posting, and can always do it again

While I agree with flyguy on the choppiness, I kind of like that, as the whole event would leave that sort of memory - vaguely nightmarish.

I'm not sure that the words out of a parents mouth given the sight of their daughter running up like that fit, but I'm also not sure how else to deliver that last punch.

 

[Daisy May]

,,,,333