Non-BDSM-related personal crisis

[marieR19]

This isn't at all bdsm-related, but since this is the only place on these forums that I know people and feel comfortable posting....

My mom and I got in a really, really huge fight last night, about a lot of stuff, and she said a lot of really horrible things (that I know she didn't really mean, but they still really hurt). We both cried a lot, and mom kind of went out of control.... She couldn't/wouldn't stop screaming and crying and yelling at me, and she ended up calling a cab and going to the hospital.

A sort of mental breakdown, I guess... she's been really stressed about a lot of things lately, and last night she just kept screaming that it was my fault and that I never care about her (totally not true, I love her soooo much), and I was so scared for her!

The doctor's said she may have had a heart attack... she spent the night in the hospital and came home this afternoon, they gave her some kind of heart medication, and she has to go back for a lot of tests. I should be glad that she's home, but she still doesn't seem so well and she's still mad at me, and I'm trying everything i can to make it better and to "be good" and do the things that she was yelling at me last night for not doing, but I don't know how else I can make her happy and make things better...

And I'm just still really scared about what happened and what might happen and I'm depressed and..... yeah.
*cries*


Heather

 

[tenedave]

Just be there for her.In time she will calm down and right now you need to be a calming influence.She WILL come through this,I know it is quite scary at the moment for you and i imagine it is for her also.So i would say try and put on a brave face for her until she is in the clear then sit down and talk to her about it.
I hope she gets well soon.
Dave

 

[Evil_Geoff]

marie, I am so sorry you are going through this. If your mom had an actual heart attack, where damage was done to the heart muscle, there is a test they do that detects the enzymes released when the heart muscle is damaged. This was how they determined I had had an actual heart attack because the ECG came back looking very normal. There was a _little_ bit of a blip that a cardiologist spotted but the regular docs missed.

If she was sent home from the hospital, I'm sure that the problem was not considered "life threatening", and I will keep your mom in my prayers.

Now, regarding her blaiming the ills in her life on YOU, that this is all YOUR fault...

Sorry, but I'm calling BULLSHIT on this. Your mother is using emotional blackmail to try to control you. She's manipulating you in a very unhealthy way. You might be an irritatant, you might bring her pain, but SHE is responsible for her feelings and for controlling her words and deeds. You are being used as a scapegoat and emotional punching bag and that is flat out wrong.

My children are a source of pride for me. They can be aggrevating, pig-headed, thoughtless, irritating, rude, selfish... But THEY are not responsible for how I feel, nor my life situation, nor anything else in my life. I am an adult, accept responsibility for myself and my situations. I love my kids, but I would never blame them for the problems in my life.

Your mom needs help to learn how to build a healthy relationship with you. She needs to stop blaming you for her problems, to accept responsibility for herself, her feelings, and her actions.

Love your mom, help her as you can, but refuse to buy into the guilt trip she's laying on you. It's tough, but it can be done.

Hang in there sweety... we're here for you.

 

[graceanne]

If she's anything like my mom, and it sounds like she is, this isn't about you. You could suddenly sprout wings and a halo, be the perfect daughter, and do everything right, and she'll still be mad. She's angry over circumstances, and you're the only person around to take it out on, so she's pulling in all her arcenal. Obviously you can't leave right now, with her health being so uncertain, but I'd suggest that you put some distance between you, for your sanity.

 

[FurryFury]

Aww, that's terrible.

*hugs and hugs*

I love my mom too but at a certain point she was leading me to the bottom (drinking, depression and suicide) and she had an iron grip on me. I had to create some distance so I could survive, not for myself but for my kids and husband. Guess what? Now with distance she loves me more than ever. Of course at first she was pissed as hell but it was better for us both.

Now your situation is somewhat different but you are so not the cause of her problems. You need to know that. When you care about someone who is ill, mentally and otherwise, you must learn how to take care of yourself in order to be able to help them or anyone around you.

When you see someone's presence brings you depression over and over, you need to set boundaries and reset the script for you both. It's simple but far from easy.

Fury

 

[myinnerslut]

i am sorry about your mother, and i agree, this is not your fault

 

[Shaq]

Hmm. You have a very interesting personal crisis. You are in severe emotional distress but your mother is in severe emotional and physical distress.


I won't say that it is not your fault. I don't think fault is really applicable in a heart attack. You didnt give her a heart attack pill so fault isn't an issue.


An argument does need two people to contribute, so she bears responsibility. Just chalk it up as a lesson.

You may have come close to losing your mom.

Did that minimize the importance of what the argument was about any?

 

[jasonlf]

Your mom is responsible for your mom.

You are responsible for you.

(implied: You are not responsible for your mom)

I know that won't completely help you from feeling bad -- but it's the truth. You can only control your own actions, you can't control how other people are going to act and feel.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I will agree with all Evil Geoff said. You can only do so much and buying into emotional blackmail becomes an impossible cycle you will never win, and which ultimately will not help her avoid her own problems, health or emotional wise. You are not responsible for her health, her behaviour, or her feelings. You can be caring, supportive, responsible, but you cannot save her from herself nor should you have to try and be who she thinks she wants you to be at any given moment. Be firm and loving, but do not give into the tantrums. It was all that worked with my own mother and now she actually thanks me and doesn't pull the shit on me she used to because she learnt the hard way it was no longer going to work. It took awhile to reach that point, but now she says I am the only one in the family who doesn't act like a child, who she can have an honest discussion with without any lasting repercussions on either side, and on who she can rely and trust even when we differ in our opinions or views...is a nice change but took a long hard road to reach this point. She also had major heart issues and was told most of it was due to the way she stressed herself out and tried to control everyone by using these ways.

Catalina

 

[Etoile]

{{{hugs}}}

 

[marieR19]

Thank you all. *hugs!* I know deep down that it's not my fault, but it's hard to not think like that.

Today was okay, mom seems better, still on edge and stuff but a little better. The problem now, my problem right now, is that I'm freaking out about all of the changes that have to happen. I don't remember how much I've told you all about my life and stuff, but I am not an adult in any way that matters. I'm almost 20 yrs old but I feel like a child, the way I think, the way I respond to things, the way I cry and depend on people, I still feel like a child in soooo many ways. Maybe it's partially due to my depression and anxiety, maybe not, I don't know.

But I need to "grow up" now... I've been putting off getting a job for a long time, but even since I started looking for one, I can't find anything that doesn't require experiences that I don't have. And little things too, like doing chores, having a regular sleeping schedual (I sleep wayyy too much), it may seem like little things to some people but it's really, really scary for me, to think about changing it all.

There are sooooo many doubts and fears in my mind right now that I don't know how to get passed, and I'm scared I can't get passed.... And I'm just gonna keep rambling about it, so I'll stop now.


Heather

 

[Noor]

Some of your mom's flipping out on you may have to do with her medical condition. I have been on the receiving end of a few medically assisted melt downs and they are not pretty.

I understand how this is a frightening time for you with all the changes and your mom being unable to help you.

Part of getting older is realizing which battles are worth fighting and which aren't, that comes with experience. You really can't change other people, you can only change your reactions to them. Sometimes when you change, others are also moved change, sometimes not.

As for your changes, I would take them one step at a time. Maybe start with a daily schedule and build from there.

Good Luck!

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Prayers for you and your mom.

 

[FurryFury]

Thank you all. *hugs!* I know deep down that it's not my fault, but it's hard to not think like that.

Today was okay, mom seems better, still on edge and stuff but a little better. The problem now, my problem right now, is that I'm freaking out about all of the changes that have to happen. I don't remember how much I've told you all about my life and stuff, but I am not an adult in any way that matters. I'm almost 20 yrs old but I feel like a child, the way I think, the way I respond to things, the way I cry and depend on people, I still feel like a child in soooo many ways. Maybe it's partially due to my depression and anxiety, maybe not, I don't know.

But I need to "grow up" now... I've been putting off getting a job for a long time, but even since I started looking for one, I can't find anything that doesn't require experiences that I don't have. And little things too, like doing chores, having a regular sleeping schedual (I sleep wayyy too much), it may seem like little things to some people but it's really, really scary for me, to think about changing it all.

There are sooooo many doubts and fears in my mind right now that I don't know how to get passed, and I'm scared I can't get passed.... And I'm just gonna keep rambling about it, so I'll stop now.


Heather

If you are on medication now you might want to see about having it adjusted due to the sleep issue. Sleeping more or less than you need to are both signs of depression and anxiety but medication can help or exacerbate that as well.

You might want to start trying to set a clock and short term goals to find work. You may not be able to get the job you want starting out. Instead you might have to take a lesser job and work your way up.

Usually when people say they can't get a job, what they mean is they can't get the job they want. You can always get a job.

Keep in mind that letting people know you want to work can help you. Networking in general generates more jobs than a thousand resumes and cover letters sent out to ads in the paper.

To get started in the job market you might try taking a temporary or part time position that doesn't seem such an overwhelming change for you.

For instance, when working through a temp agency you can decide when they call you if you will do that job offered that day or not. Keep in mind the more times you turn them down the fewer times they will call.

A part time job might not seem like much but it can make you feel so good to be appreciated and paid for as little as twenty hours a week.

Sub work is also a good start. Again you can decide on a case by case basis if you want to accept the job and if you do not accept very often they will quit calling. Least you find out your state has requirements for elementary and higher education levels you can't meet, keep in mind day care and pre school programs are also in need of subs.

Remember as with all seemingly simple changes that are difficult, little steps are what makes it happen. Sometimes you have to fake it until it feels right to you also. New things often won't feel right at first until they are part of your routine. With every small goal you attain, you will feel an increase in confidence until one day you look around and see it's all coming together into a pretty good life.

*hugs*

The most important thing on most jobs is simply to show up on time and be there btw. Having an attitude that seems helpful is also good.

All of this is only based on my opinion and experiences. I've done most of these things at one time or another. I was also a corporate recruiter and headhunter for about ten years.

Fury

 

[satindesire]

I do understand what you're going through at this time, because I've been through one of those 'total life changing' overwhelming moments before, too.

When I moved in with my very first serious boyfriend, after moving out of my parents house for the very first time when I was just 18, I literally felt pressure from him to 'grow up' overnight.

I had never learned how to cook or clean (my mother was a TERRIBLE housekeeper) and he was a severely germaphobic neat-freak who had to have 'everything in it's place'. If everything wasn't perfectly spotless in the morning when he got home from work he would literally SHOUT at me that I 'wasn't taking the relationship seriously' or that I was lazy or spoiled. Of course, he was an arrogant asshat who wouldn't lift a finger to teach or help me, but I digress...

Truth is, I was still really young to be put in that situation without knowing what was expected of me and having no real previous experience. What you need to do it take it slowly and NOT let anyone pressure you about how fast or slow you are growing up.

You being 19 makes you close to a legal adulthood (in the US, of course) and in many peoples' eyes, that is a good time to start thinking about moving out, working full time, having a vehicle and paying your own bills. However, some of us are not prepared to do this.

Take it at your own pace. Make a to-do list and try to do something on it at least once every day. Make sure that your depression and anxiety medications are not depriving you of the precious time you have at this point in your life.

I am only 22, and I still have a loooong way to go in life, but I do know that these are the years in which we build the opinions and personality that will stick with us for a very long time. The experiences we have now, good and bad, will shape our world view for the rest of our lives. Take this time to appreciate the fact that you are no longer a child, but a person growing into an adult who can now be a productive and positive member of society!

I don't know if you're a religious person, but prayer and faith and the people I knew at Church really helped me get through this time. Friends you can trust to talk to and let you cry on their shoulders will help. Speak to someone you know will give you good advice!

More than anything, let me repeat...take it slow. These things take time and you cannot rush something that is so important.

Good luck to you, and many prayers!! ^_^

 

[Noor]

If you are on medication now you might want to see about having it adjusted due to the sleep issue. Sleeping more or less than you need to are both signs of depression and anxiety but medication can help or exacerbate that as well.

(snip)

All of this is only based on my opinion and experiences. I've done most of these things at one time or another. I was also a corporate recruiter and headhunter for about ten years.

Fury

I agree the sleep issue should be looked into, there are other things besides depression and anxiety that can cause sleep problems, but that's a good place to start.

I have been having sleep issues, I went to a sleep clinic now I have documented sleep issues, but no answers so we are trying things. So far in the last 2 days I am getting the same amount of sleep, ie very little, on the plus side the sleep I am getting is much better.

Getting better sleep can make the difference between having a screaming fit at someone who just pulled the same crap they promised to change a few days ago and having a rational discussion about it with them.

Hey, Fury, I was a headhunter too!!!

 

[Evil_Geoff]

*smiles softly*

You are in an "interesting time of life" marie... Gawd, what I wouldn't give to recycle through the time I was 17 - 21... For all the problems I had it was actually a great time for me. Lots of growing up going on then. My first job -bagboy/cashier/stocker in a grocery store... keeping up my car insurance, gas, money for dates, learning to budget my time for school, homework, social life and work... going to college, living on my own for the first time in my life.

WOW...

You'll do fine hon. You have a good heart and a good head. Use 'em wisely!

{{{{{HUG}}}}}

 

[FurryFury]

I agree the sleep issue should be looked into, there are other things besides depression and anxiety that can cause sleep problems, but that's a good place to start.

I have been having sleep issues, I went to a sleep clinic now I have documented sleep issues, but no answers so we are trying things. So far in the last 2 days I am getting the same amount of sleep, ie very little, on the plus side the sleep I am getting is much better.

Getting better sleep can make the difference between having a screaming fit at someone who just pulled the same crap they promised to change a few days ago and having a rational discussion about it with them.

Hey, Fury, I was a headhunter too!!!

Hey Noor!

*hug*

Ex Headhunters Unite!

*pumps fist*

That was a business I started for my Dad. It worked well for it's purpose.

Fury